04/12/24.................black hole sun
i saw the eclipse! indiana was luccky enough to have complete totality on april 8th and it was so outrageously beautiful. i sat on the grass in my yard and stared up at the sky in awe, and i keep thinking how sad it is i cant see it again immediately. maybe in the future i could travel to see another one...i dont know. but it truly is a wonderfully beautiful experience and unlike anything i was expecting. and yes obviously i had glasses. but did you know, once totality has hit you can stare right at it with no problem? because the moon is completely covering the sun! during the days leading up to it there was a lot of misinformation going around that was really upsetting me. but bottom line, it was BEAUTIFUL! my whole neighborhood got dark and every single light on cars and on streetlights that had sensors immediately turned on due to the change. it was just...amazing. it was 8pm at 3pm! and the sight of the moon with that bright white ring around it in the sky was outrageous, its impossible to describe...
aside from that nothing very climactic has been going on but i have been watching a LOT of voyager the past two days with my best friend view. its been great to rewatch it, despite what many will say about it i really really love voyager and ive been excited to see it again. as you might know already im a huge fan of the doctor from voyager...i have a shrine of him here on my site if you'd like to hear more about how much i like him! it only needs two more pages made for it, depending on how i feel i might make those pages.
ive also been watching a lot of movies as per usual. i still want to make a fight club shrine, but its really hard telling if ill make it in time before i get apathetic about it like i do with everything else...the only reason i dont have more shrines is because i get apathetic too quick to focus all that time on one thing. im lazy. and have adhd. i dont know. website making is not for the weak. i also plan on rewatching fight club sometime during the week, after monday preferably because my beloved friend view is going to show our other two friends one of its favorite movies, memento, and its a pretty big occassion. im really looking forward to it! my friend group, but particularly view and i, take movies very seriously. when i like a movie it kind of becomes an extension of myself, just like everything else i like. im so dramatic about my interests but its only a product of the life ive lived up until now. womp womp.
ive been struggling with my art lately as well. i just...dont know anymore man. i just want to make good art. grrrr. grrrr. its just so hard to put into words. it looks so bad but everyones like oh well artists always think their art is bad well then how am i supposed to know if its good or not. "you only need to have fun doing it it doesnt matter if it looks good" i wont have a lot of fun if im not creating all of the images that plague my head, and i cant create those images if i suck balls and cocks at drawing. uugghhh i dont know. i dont know. i cant do hardly anything right, even my foremost passions like art or...hell, web design. bye. im slated to have buffalo wild wings this weekend on saturday, pray that i can!!!
aside from that nothing very climactic has been going on but i have been watching a LOT of voyager the past two days with my best friend view. its been great to rewatch it, despite what many will say about it i really really love voyager and ive been excited to see it again. as you might know already im a huge fan of the doctor from voyager...i have a shrine of him here on my site if you'd like to hear more about how much i like him! it only needs two more pages made for it, depending on how i feel i might make those pages.
ive also been watching a lot of movies as per usual. i still want to make a fight club shrine, but its really hard telling if ill make it in time before i get apathetic about it like i do with everything else...the only reason i dont have more shrines is because i get apathetic too quick to focus all that time on one thing. im lazy. and have adhd. i dont know. website making is not for the weak. i also plan on rewatching fight club sometime during the week, after monday preferably because my beloved friend view is going to show our other two friends one of its favorite movies, memento, and its a pretty big occassion. im really looking forward to it! my friend group, but particularly view and i, take movies very seriously. when i like a movie it kind of becomes an extension of myself, just like everything else i like. im so dramatic about my interests but its only a product of the life ive lived up until now. womp womp.
ive been struggling with my art lately as well. i just...dont know anymore man. i just want to make good art. grrrr. grrrr. its just so hard to put into words. it looks so bad but everyones like oh well artists always think their art is bad well then how am i supposed to know if its good or not. "you only need to have fun doing it it doesnt matter if it looks good" i wont have a lot of fun if im not creating all of the images that plague my head, and i cant create those images if i suck balls and cocks at drawing. uugghhh i dont know. i dont know. i cant do hardly anything right, even my foremost passions like art or...hell, web design. bye. im slated to have buffalo wild wings this weekend on saturday, pray that i can!!!
03/31/24..........i am jacks ocd
listening to: closer by nin
happy easter. what have i been doing lately? not much. i just finished watching fight club for the 4th time, and its quickly become one of my favorite movies. i love it a whole lot. like im seriously obsessed with it. autism is one hell of a drug. i love edward norton and by extension the narrator, i kind of um...am definitely self shipping with him. hes all i think about before i go to bed. as far as im concerned, thats who my body pillow is. touch starved and pathetic...bleh..
i beat the splatoon 3 dlc, which was outrageously awesome. a perfectly balanced difficulty. it was just so fucking fun. i loved playing it and seeing pearl and marina in that capacity was so awesome, i LOVE pearl. shes my favorite splatoon character. frye is my second favorite. i was obsessed with the singleplayer that came with the game and literally played it for three days straight. like seriously i couldnt put it down. nintendo is COOKING with these singleplayers, im only a little sad thinking this will probably be the last one. frown. im glad i could play it, though. especially because i dont have money like ever. i preordered this dlc a year ago, i think. worth the wait, id say. the new formatting was also interesting. still managed to stay familiar to the other singeplayer campaigns but was extremely new and fresh...just, so spectacular. i dont surround myself in the gaming community so i dont know the general consensus of anything unless i watch a vinesauce stream or something...but if people dont like this dlc i will literally blow this whole building up. ITS FUCKING AMAZING! if you like splatoon and havent played side order yet, PLEASE do. its stupendous. truly stupendous.
last saturday i got my dad to take me to buffalo wild wings, my FAVORITE restaurant. has been since i was a kid. i hadnt had it in probably like 3 or 4 years, so i was completely jumping for joy. im big on food. i dont know if ive made that clear, but eating food is by far one of my favorite things. as soon as that food went on that table i ate it like some sort of beast. i ate 8 mozzarella sticks in one go and got full off just those. they have really good mozzarella sticks, by the way. i like wingstop but buffalo wild wings still reigns supreme. the combination of their barbecue sauce with the ranch is INSANE. ITS LIKE. UGH!!! im only sad im not going again any time soon.
ive been rewatching mlp fim with a friend of mine the past few days. i hyperfixated on mlp at the age of 10 and again at the age of 13. coming back to it has been a lot of fun, its such a fun show and i just. love nearly everything about it, i always have. the music, the character design, the voices?? art direction?!?!! JUSTTT....im looking forward to watching more and so i can see discord again, hes my favorite mlp character EVER!!!! I LOVE HIMMM WAHHHGGHHHG
umm ummm what else...i got candy today since its easter. i am 19 so you might be thinking arewnt you fucking grown dude? well yeah but my mom loves me and i love her. i gotta get a job so i can start giving back, man. a few days ago she was stranded at work without a ride after my brother fell asleep (he was her ride) so i felt. really sad and powerless. cant drive a fucking car or else i wouldve just done it myself. she ended up getting home thank god, but its still infuriating to look back on. i know ill barely be able to handle it and it will be hard but goddammit i just want to be helpful and worth a shit. my big sister came here today for easter with her nephew and her little sister (we're half blood siblings so her little sister isnt my little sister. its complicated) it was kind of sad seeing how much older shes gotten. shes in her mid 20s. and then i realized jesus fucking christ, im 19. i started crying and had to cover my face. i would not have been able to handle that conversation, so i ran upstairs. my family are all strangers to me. im close to my parents in that we talk often, but they dont truly know me beyond the music i play in the car. they dont even see the art i draw. they'd never understand. i feel as though a lot of this is my fault.
have a good easter. thanks for reading if you did.
happy easter. what have i been doing lately? not much. i just finished watching fight club for the 4th time, and its quickly become one of my favorite movies. i love it a whole lot. like im seriously obsessed with it. autism is one hell of a drug. i love edward norton and by extension the narrator, i kind of um...am definitely self shipping with him. hes all i think about before i go to bed. as far as im concerned, thats who my body pillow is. touch starved and pathetic...bleh..
i beat the splatoon 3 dlc, which was outrageously awesome. a perfectly balanced difficulty. it was just so fucking fun. i loved playing it and seeing pearl and marina in that capacity was so awesome, i LOVE pearl. shes my favorite splatoon character. frye is my second favorite. i was obsessed with the singleplayer that came with the game and literally played it for three days straight. like seriously i couldnt put it down. nintendo is COOKING with these singleplayers, im only a little sad thinking this will probably be the last one. frown. im glad i could play it, though. especially because i dont have money like ever. i preordered this dlc a year ago, i think. worth the wait, id say. the new formatting was also interesting. still managed to stay familiar to the other singeplayer campaigns but was extremely new and fresh...just, so spectacular. i dont surround myself in the gaming community so i dont know the general consensus of anything unless i watch a vinesauce stream or something...but if people dont like this dlc i will literally blow this whole building up. ITS FUCKING AMAZING! if you like splatoon and havent played side order yet, PLEASE do. its stupendous. truly stupendous.
last saturday i got my dad to take me to buffalo wild wings, my FAVORITE restaurant. has been since i was a kid. i hadnt had it in probably like 3 or 4 years, so i was completely jumping for joy. im big on food. i dont know if ive made that clear, but eating food is by far one of my favorite things. as soon as that food went on that table i ate it like some sort of beast. i ate 8 mozzarella sticks in one go and got full off just those. they have really good mozzarella sticks, by the way. i like wingstop but buffalo wild wings still reigns supreme. the combination of their barbecue sauce with the ranch is INSANE. ITS LIKE. UGH!!! im only sad im not going again any time soon.
ive been rewatching mlp fim with a friend of mine the past few days. i hyperfixated on mlp at the age of 10 and again at the age of 13. coming back to it has been a lot of fun, its such a fun show and i just. love nearly everything about it, i always have. the music, the character design, the voices?? art direction?!?!! JUSTTT....im looking forward to watching more and so i can see discord again, hes my favorite mlp character EVER!!!! I LOVE HIMMM WAHHHGGHHHG
umm ummm what else...i got candy today since its easter. i am 19 so you might be thinking arewnt you fucking grown dude? well yeah but my mom loves me and i love her. i gotta get a job so i can start giving back, man. a few days ago she was stranded at work without a ride after my brother fell asleep (he was her ride) so i felt. really sad and powerless. cant drive a fucking car or else i wouldve just done it myself. she ended up getting home thank god, but its still infuriating to look back on. i know ill barely be able to handle it and it will be hard but goddammit i just want to be helpful and worth a shit. my big sister came here today for easter with her nephew and her little sister (we're half blood siblings so her little sister isnt my little sister. its complicated) it was kind of sad seeing how much older shes gotten. shes in her mid 20s. and then i realized jesus fucking christ, im 19. i started crying and had to cover my face. i would not have been able to handle that conversation, so i ran upstairs. my family are all strangers to me. im close to my parents in that we talk often, but they dont truly know me beyond the music i play in the car. they dont even see the art i draw. they'd never understand. i feel as though a lot of this is my fault.
have a good easter. thanks for reading if you did.
03/20/24..........what do i title this melodramatic garbage
one of my least favorite things to be told is "me too" or anything similar. theres nothing wrong with saying that. theres nothing wrong with expressing similarity and familiarity with someone. its my specific brand of brain diseases that make me so aggressive when people do it to me. my brain reads it as dismissing me. it reads it as ignoring me and making it about themselves. thats not true. obviously thats not fucking true, its stupid...its genuinely idiotic and egotistical for me to think that. i cant shake it. in the moment im not telling myself "this is an irrational thought" im telling myself "this person is disrespecting me and has no acknowledgement of me whatsoever" i always get told "its good that you recognize your flaws, thats the first step" i guess im glad i recognize them. i guess it makes me a little bit less of a horrible person that i recognize my horrid flaws than letting them run rampant. but if im to be honest, me being able to recognize them almost make them even harder to manage. people always say once you figure out the flaw youre on your way to improving. but i hate the idea of me improving, because it implies who i am right now is worthless. it implies that what i am needs to be thrown out for a new improved less annoying version. i cant read it as anything else. the idea of me "improving" just makes me hate myself even more. well if i need to improve then. i dont know. i cant finish the thought, theres nothing there.
i want people to stay away from me. i want people to maintain a safe distance from my bubble of hubris and misery and self obsession and identity issues and let me wallow in it without them getting in and going "hey me too". this isnt fair of me to want because nobody has no way of knowing what is a safe distance from it. i dont even know what a safe distance is from it. i just want my things to be my things. i want what i like to be my little thing. go away. imn sorry im like this. im sorry im doing this to you. just stay away from my little thing. or at least say "this is your little thing" i dont care if i cant understand your relationship towards it bcs mine is far more dramatic and intense. so fucking stupid. i wish i were dead.
i want people to stay away from me. i want people to maintain a safe distance from my bubble of hubris and misery and self obsession and identity issues and let me wallow in it without them getting in and going "hey me too". this isnt fair of me to want because nobody has no way of knowing what is a safe distance from it. i dont even know what a safe distance is from it. i just want my things to be my things. i want what i like to be my little thing. go away. imn sorry im like this. im sorry im doing this to you. just stay away from my little thing. or at least say "this is your little thing" i dont care if i cant understand your relationship towards it bcs mine is far more dramatic and intense. so fucking stupid. i wish i were dead.
03/02/24....................strange elation
listening to: better off dead soundtrack
i am doing much better than i have been the past few days. i decided to go with my dad to the grocery store and because he knew ive been having a rough go of it being stuck inside, he got me steak and shake as well (which is my childhood favorite!) i got a burger, onion rings, chili, and a banana shake (the latter of which i just finished) i had a decently good time. perhaps i wouldve had a better time with my mom, but im grateful i got to do it regardless. im looking forward to the rest of the day and hoping it ends as good as it started.
tonight, im watching twin peaks with my friends. we'll be finishing it and moving onto fire walk with me later this week. im looking forward to seeing the climax! though, i read on tumblr that two books were "required" to understand the full story, which kind of upset me. idk. im not much of a reader and reading is a big hoop for me to jump through. it makes me feel like an illiterate idiot. but that wasnt really why i was upset about the books, i was moreso upset that i need to read TWO ENTIRE BOOKS just to get the full story on something... -_- idk it just felt like too much effort for me as a casual fan of the show. if i was a huge fan i would probably jump right to it but i really dont care about it enough to read two entire books.
im hoping to get some drawing done today and i also want to play some roblox. side order came out a week or so ago and im really looking forward to playing that. but the only problem is the hdmi connection from my switch to my tv has stopped working (...again.) and i really havent had the energy to trouble shoot it or mess with it. but i dont want to play side order on an itty bitty screen >:( just the thought is pissing me off. ill figure it out. im thinking of asking my dad for an extra hdmi cord to see if my cord is whats the problem. that will get me a long way in figuring out the issue i think.
im looking forward to the week!!! heres to a really great one!!! hugs and kisses.
i am doing much better than i have been the past few days. i decided to go with my dad to the grocery store and because he knew ive been having a rough go of it being stuck inside, he got me steak and shake as well (which is my childhood favorite!) i got a burger, onion rings, chili, and a banana shake (the latter of which i just finished) i had a decently good time. perhaps i wouldve had a better time with my mom, but im grateful i got to do it regardless. im looking forward to the rest of the day and hoping it ends as good as it started.
tonight, im watching twin peaks with my friends. we'll be finishing it and moving onto fire walk with me later this week. im looking forward to seeing the climax! though, i read on tumblr that two books were "required" to understand the full story, which kind of upset me. idk. im not much of a reader and reading is a big hoop for me to jump through. it makes me feel like an illiterate idiot. but that wasnt really why i was upset about the books, i was moreso upset that i need to read TWO ENTIRE BOOKS just to get the full story on something... -_- idk it just felt like too much effort for me as a casual fan of the show. if i was a huge fan i would probably jump right to it but i really dont care about it enough to read two entire books.
im hoping to get some drawing done today and i also want to play some roblox. side order came out a week or so ago and im really looking forward to playing that. but the only problem is the hdmi connection from my switch to my tv has stopped working (...again.) and i really havent had the energy to trouble shoot it or mess with it. but i dont want to play side order on an itty bitty screen >:( just the thought is pissing me off. ill figure it out. im thinking of asking my dad for an extra hdmi cord to see if my cord is whats the problem. that will get me a long way in figuring out the issue i think.
im looking forward to the week!!! heres to a really great one!!! hugs and kisses.
02/29/24....................'cause it keeps me sane
listening to: apple venus vol 1 by xtc
at last! a new blog entry! a lot has been going on for me, internally. mentally and stuff. i cant really say the edibles have responded well and i cant really see myself taking anymore in the future. i had a lot of fun when they went well, but when they go bad things can get pretty scary. basically i had two good times and two bad ones. ill think on it more. ive been going through a big mental transition i guess if you will. coping with things. ive been notorious for running away from my own mind my whole life, and i know now that its been doing me more harm than good. i feel as though it might be catching up to me. so im trying to commit to my mental health without just running away from it and getting scared. its so hard to face all of the problems i have because its like, your mind feeds off the very fear it instills off you. i feel as though my paranoia is just this endlessly hungry beast that grabs at all of my thoughts and eats them, never being satiated. it'll feed off anything and convince me of anything just to satisfy itself...i cant let it keep doing that. last night before going to bed i had this brief but intense horrifying feeling of anxiety. like it was some sort of anxiety or panic attack. my entire body started to buzz and i felt like i was gonna get cold sweats. it was horrifying. i know what caused it. and thats good, i think knowing what caused that really helps me feel better about it. but i still wish it never happened at all.
in this period of learning more about my mind and learning to be more comfortable and calm, and coping, im reminding myself of all of the wonderful things life has granted me and all of the untruths that my mind insists upon me everyday. im remembering that its been worse, and im living the better times right now. and that even from here, they can get even better. im remembering that despite everything my parents love me and i still love them. that my friends love me. that i still have two working arms and to working hands, two working legs and two working feet. that i can smell and hear and see. that i can breathe and sing. its been healing. enriching. to remember that no one has hurt me, and i wont be hurt because im lucky enough to be protected by those i love. i have nothing to truly be genuinely upset about, and its all just things my mind wants me to suffer for. i have to remember that my mind will try to hurt me. i need to stop focuses on possible traumas and focus on the real ones that i know happened. i need to remember that im happy and im okay and safe.
today is a leap day. i never quite realized how strange leap days and leap years are until this year. yes obviously there are real reasons why it happens. still crazy to think about, though. one extra day...and every other year its just not there. so bizarre. perhaps instead of viewing it as something scary or bizarre or perplexing i should view it as an extra opportunity to live. an extra day to exist. something we're lucky enough to be granted with every few years. i feel like im sounding a bit too "hippy dippy", i dont like coming off as that...im just trying to be positive. im probably just worried about how im coming off bcs im so paranoid of coming off wrong. or "incorrect"
im hoping this weekend i watch great movies, eat great food, laugh lots, and experience endless joy. i hope to notice the little things about sounds, smells, tastes. i hope to embrace all im lucky to have. i hope to remind myself that as long as the sun shines, change will persist and bless me. i hope all of this for you, as well!
at last! a new blog entry! a lot has been going on for me, internally. mentally and stuff. i cant really say the edibles have responded well and i cant really see myself taking anymore in the future. i had a lot of fun when they went well, but when they go bad things can get pretty scary. basically i had two good times and two bad ones. ill think on it more. ive been going through a big mental transition i guess if you will. coping with things. ive been notorious for running away from my own mind my whole life, and i know now that its been doing me more harm than good. i feel as though it might be catching up to me. so im trying to commit to my mental health without just running away from it and getting scared. its so hard to face all of the problems i have because its like, your mind feeds off the very fear it instills off you. i feel as though my paranoia is just this endlessly hungry beast that grabs at all of my thoughts and eats them, never being satiated. it'll feed off anything and convince me of anything just to satisfy itself...i cant let it keep doing that. last night before going to bed i had this brief but intense horrifying feeling of anxiety. like it was some sort of anxiety or panic attack. my entire body started to buzz and i felt like i was gonna get cold sweats. it was horrifying. i know what caused it. and thats good, i think knowing what caused that really helps me feel better about it. but i still wish it never happened at all.
in this period of learning more about my mind and learning to be more comfortable and calm, and coping, im reminding myself of all of the wonderful things life has granted me and all of the untruths that my mind insists upon me everyday. im remembering that its been worse, and im living the better times right now. and that even from here, they can get even better. im remembering that despite everything my parents love me and i still love them. that my friends love me. that i still have two working arms and to working hands, two working legs and two working feet. that i can smell and hear and see. that i can breathe and sing. its been healing. enriching. to remember that no one has hurt me, and i wont be hurt because im lucky enough to be protected by those i love. i have nothing to truly be genuinely upset about, and its all just things my mind wants me to suffer for. i have to remember that my mind will try to hurt me. i need to stop focuses on possible traumas and focus on the real ones that i know happened. i need to remember that im happy and im okay and safe.
today is a leap day. i never quite realized how strange leap days and leap years are until this year. yes obviously there are real reasons why it happens. still crazy to think about, though. one extra day...and every other year its just not there. so bizarre. perhaps instead of viewing it as something scary or bizarre or perplexing i should view it as an extra opportunity to live. an extra day to exist. something we're lucky enough to be granted with every few years. i feel like im sounding a bit too "hippy dippy", i dont like coming off as that...im just trying to be positive. im probably just worried about how im coming off bcs im so paranoid of coming off wrong. or "incorrect"
im hoping this weekend i watch great movies, eat great food, laugh lots, and experience endless joy. i hope to notice the little things about sounds, smells, tastes. i hope to embrace all im lucky to have. i hope to remind myself that as long as the sun shines, change will persist and bless me. i hope all of this for you, as well!
02/11/24....................we'll drive you crazayyy
listening to: dazed and confused soundtrack
hows it going. i took my first edible this week. heres what i wrote about that, while high, before giving up and getting distracted. dont write while high lol
bhiii im writing this while high off an edible. my first one ive never don e any thc or marjiuana aor anything else like that in my life this is my first. little thing. im ahving a really good time and im really. well now im really tired. but im just so happy i get to do this.n its so grea. t. i can barely focus but i wanted to write an entry bcs i felt it was a kind of lzdnmark moment in my life for sure. even if i never take an edible again it will still be such an important mment n my life. sooo yeah. ill write more later i m just so tired lol
anyways now that im sober i will comment that edibles are great. i really enjoyed my time taking them. i have a few more left. im planning to take 3 instead of the usual two on peter torks birthday. i know he was sober for years, decades even, but ill take it for the 60s tork. and also respect 80s-2010s tork while doing so. im so excited for his birthday! peter tork is one of my favorite people ever and i love him to pieces. his birthdays on the 13th. im hoping to draw something for him in time. but ive had like 3 wips sitting in csp for the past week. im great at starting drawings and horrible at finishing them!!! actually i just now remembered its 2 wips, i finished one bcs it was just meant to be a sketch. the 2 wips are of the blues brothers and my oc epsilon. pray i finish them!!!
i gotta pee so bad but someones in the bathroom so im going stir crazy trying to type this. but anyways the edible. i wanted to describe that experience. it was so great. first thing you feel is usually your body like, vibrating. like a wave completely over comes you and you can feel it underneath your skin. and then a sense of euphoria fills your body unlike anything you wouldve felt before. and then after that everything feels far away. your brain feels like its far away. stuff in front of you feels like its so far from you. music and audio in general is just so close and in your head. its great. its so great. i watched dazed and confused when i took the first edible. yesterday i took my third and watched twin peaks with my friends. twin peaks is great high. i recommend it.
aside from the edible partaking nothing else has really been happening. this week was hell. mostly. but i did try wingstop for the first time!!! which ive been dying to do for ages. my opinion on that was that it is very great and if you like wings you should try them out. but they are extremely rich and savory and salty. and also it gave me diahrrea...lol........so watch out for that..........id eat it again though. i think the ranch is just as good as everyone hyped it up to be. now that ive tried wingstop all i have to do is try canes and in n out and ill finally be a mukbang tiktoker. LOLLL also todahys the superbowl! which i dont fucking care about. even remotely. see i love the superbowl every year, but NOT for the program itself. FOR THE FOOOODDDD!!!! i never watch the program. ive not laid eyes on a superbowl in 5 years. but my dad cooks the best finger foods that day. today we got candied meatballs and cocktail wienies. and a cheese ball and taco dip. and some other stuff but those things im most excited for. i personally believe sports, all of it, is up there with the most evil sinister things the world has invented. i hate sports. especially in its current state.i promise you that stuff is not based on skill anymore...and its all about money. the nfl is not being shy about how clear it is theyre using taylor swift as a way to make more money and get more ratings. mattel made an nfl barbie for pete's sake!!! ughh!!! if you watch that garbage to see taylor swift you're disgusting. if you like taylor swift youre disgusting too. ugghh i HATE that woman. she truly makes me nauseous.
OHHH ive also been so into steve martin lately. ive watched like 4 movies of his this past week. he is such a treat!!! i cant describe why i like him so much i just dooo and i look forward to seeing more of his movies. i also want to get more into john candy's filmography too though bcs i love him in planes trains <33 hes so cute and so so sweet looking i just love him so much. planes trains really got me into both him and steve and i want to watch their other stuff now cause theyre just such a delight on screen. tonight im watching a movie with my friends, and its johnnys turn to pick one. i thinkkkkkk we're watching exorcist iii! which we saw already but we're rewatching it.
hmmm what else what else... i believe that should be it. im planning on making an nsfw page for the site so i can separate all my musings about sex. looking forward to that!!! im also gonna pick my room up a little bit. not crazy but just getting the piles of plates out of here -_- wish me luck on that and pray i actually do it. AND PRAY I PEE SOON OHH MY GODDD ok byeee!
hows it going. i took my first edible this week. heres what i wrote about that, while high, before giving up and getting distracted. dont write while high lol
bhiii im writing this while high off an edible. my first one ive never don e any thc or marjiuana aor anything else like that in my life this is my first. little thing. im ahving a really good time and im really. well now im really tired. but im just so happy i get to do this.n its so grea. t. i can barely focus but i wanted to write an entry bcs i felt it was a kind of lzdnmark moment in my life for sure. even if i never take an edible again it will still be such an important mment n my life. sooo yeah. ill write more later i m just so tired lol
anyways now that im sober i will comment that edibles are great. i really enjoyed my time taking them. i have a few more left. im planning to take 3 instead of the usual two on peter torks birthday. i know he was sober for years, decades even, but ill take it for the 60s tork. and also respect 80s-2010s tork while doing so. im so excited for his birthday! peter tork is one of my favorite people ever and i love him to pieces. his birthdays on the 13th. im hoping to draw something for him in time. but ive had like 3 wips sitting in csp for the past week. im great at starting drawings and horrible at finishing them!!! actually i just now remembered its 2 wips, i finished one bcs it was just meant to be a sketch. the 2 wips are of the blues brothers and my oc epsilon. pray i finish them!!!
i gotta pee so bad but someones in the bathroom so im going stir crazy trying to type this. but anyways the edible. i wanted to describe that experience. it was so great. first thing you feel is usually your body like, vibrating. like a wave completely over comes you and you can feel it underneath your skin. and then a sense of euphoria fills your body unlike anything you wouldve felt before. and then after that everything feels far away. your brain feels like its far away. stuff in front of you feels like its so far from you. music and audio in general is just so close and in your head. its great. its so great. i watched dazed and confused when i took the first edible. yesterday i took my third and watched twin peaks with my friends. twin peaks is great high. i recommend it.
aside from the edible partaking nothing else has really been happening. this week was hell. mostly. but i did try wingstop for the first time!!! which ive been dying to do for ages. my opinion on that was that it is very great and if you like wings you should try them out. but they are extremely rich and savory and salty. and also it gave me diahrrea...lol........so watch out for that..........id eat it again though. i think the ranch is just as good as everyone hyped it up to be. now that ive tried wingstop all i have to do is try canes and in n out and ill finally be a mukbang tiktoker. LOLLL also todahys the superbowl! which i dont fucking care about. even remotely. see i love the superbowl every year, but NOT for the program itself. FOR THE FOOOODDDD!!!! i never watch the program. ive not laid eyes on a superbowl in 5 years. but my dad cooks the best finger foods that day. today we got candied meatballs and cocktail wienies. and a cheese ball and taco dip. and some other stuff but those things im most excited for. i personally believe sports, all of it, is up there with the most evil sinister things the world has invented. i hate sports. especially in its current state.i promise you that stuff is not based on skill anymore...and its all about money. the nfl is not being shy about how clear it is theyre using taylor swift as a way to make more money and get more ratings. mattel made an nfl barbie for pete's sake!!! ughh!!! if you watch that garbage to see taylor swift you're disgusting. if you like taylor swift youre disgusting too. ugghh i HATE that woman. she truly makes me nauseous.
OHHH ive also been so into steve martin lately. ive watched like 4 movies of his this past week. he is such a treat!!! i cant describe why i like him so much i just dooo and i look forward to seeing more of his movies. i also want to get more into john candy's filmography too though bcs i love him in planes trains <33 hes so cute and so so sweet looking i just love him so much. planes trains really got me into both him and steve and i want to watch their other stuff now cause theyre just such a delight on screen. tonight im watching a movie with my friends, and its johnnys turn to pick one. i thinkkkkkk we're watching exorcist iii! which we saw already but we're rewatching it.
hmmm what else what else... i believe that should be it. im planning on making an nsfw page for the site so i can separate all my musings about sex. looking forward to that!!! im also gonna pick my room up a little bit. not crazy but just getting the piles of plates out of here -_- wish me luck on that and pray i actually do it. AND PRAY I PEE SOON OHH MY GODDD ok byeee!
02/06/24....................you dont like me
im such a "you think youre better than me?" person. its a disease. i misread almost everything people say to me as them telling me they think theyre better than me and know it. this is bcs I fully believe everyone is better than me. even people i dont like and i wont ADMIT are better than me i will still believe theyre better than me. obviously this is because im horribly insecure. i hate everything about myself. well, if you didnt somehow know already, hating yourself just makes you ten times worse as a person. i dont like facing that. because it makes me hate myself more. its literally like ouroburos. its a self inflicted cycle. its so hard to stop. you hate yourself, someone says something you misinterpret, and then you react in an uncalled for way because you fucking hate yourself, you then loathe how you reacted, and it just repeats. its miserable. its truly miserable. some days i wish my friends just told me how much they hated me to my face. i want them to hate me. i feel almost as if im not satisfied if they dont confirm it. because its like, being stuck in suspicion is so hard. its scary and its irritating and it just makes me angrier. to someone with a mindset like me im convinced that theyre all hiding their hatred for me. it feels like they all know how horrible i am and just arent telling me. and its like, well i know now. you can tell me now because i know. its okay. a lot of people say this line of thinking is painful for your friends because it tells them that you view them as hateful people. thats not how it is in my head though. i view my friends as smart, calm, emotionally mature, nice people who dont want their lives being ridden by someone like me. THATS the way i see it. im burdening them. im troubling their already troubled lives with my horrid actions. "do better" "better yourself" "look inside yourself for the better you" ect ect and anyting that sounds like that. i have. i have been doing that. oh my god ive been doing it for the past 6 years. when i was 12 my entire friends list on facebook started making posts about how irritating i was. they all knew i could see it. they just said it anyways. i was completely gutted. if i didnt hate myself before i hated myself even more. after that ive been trying to "do better" all this time. i think people dont understand how hard it is to do better. last night i watched a movie with my friends and i got so fucking upset and stressed out i couldnt look at what they were saying about the movie i had to tab out. i was so fucking frustrated the entire run time of the movie i just wanted to fucking kill myself. all i wanted was to dig a deep hole in the mud and fucking die there. is tabbing out and not saying anything during a movie "doing better?" yes i didnt hurt them. i didnt do anything to hurt them. but then waht about me? im still in pain. im still seething. im still mentally unstable behind the screen. whats wrong with me?
02/03/24....................shake a tail feather
happy february! january as a whole felt really long, and it seems many agree. it was a very run of the mill month. i wouldnt say theres much to note of it though i did watch a lot of movies. ive also been watching quite a bit of twin peaks as well, with my friends! ive seen it before but i never got to finish it. so i decided to rewatch it and then finish past when i stopped, but with my friends. since all of them wanted to see it anyways!!!
as is the usual case in my house, money is really bad right now. my dad only had 100 dollars for groceries so this week is gonna be pretty balls and sacks. ill try and make the best of it. wish me luck! because of this my mom had to give what money she had back for my birthday money to rent -_- she never gave me it bcs her car had been broke down and she couldnt get a card for the money to be put on. it seems almost as though this was fate, prolonging my mother from giving me my money so she could inevitably throw it towards rent so we could fucking. survive. i guess. she told me ill get it finally soon though. i fucking HOPE!!!!!!!! god theres so much shit i want im clamoring. christmas sucked. birthday sucked. i just want shit i actually like oh my god please. im not spoiled. just poor and tired of it. and doomed with parents who dont understand me.
speaking of birthday and christmas, i did get really great gifts from my good friend alex. two mike nesmith records, the sleeve to the potp record, some cds, just to name a few highlights. that was probably the best part about january! my room has fallen in disarray btw. i cant stand looking at my surroundings. im praying for it to finally be clean one day. sighhhh
my hopes for february go as follows..
order chinese takeout at least 2 times (ouughh)
watch at least 3 great movies
get room clean once and for fucking all
get the sherlock outfit on splatoon
finish the mikey and fletcher story, or at least get lots of progress in
watch a john candy movie
finish twin peaks
draw something i actually like
order my fucking vibrator.
get stickers for my phone and laptop
and thats it. hopefully its not too much to ask of lady luck! i know she hates me but maybe she'll cut me some slack. alright, im done. peace!
as is the usual case in my house, money is really bad right now. my dad only had 100 dollars for groceries so this week is gonna be pretty balls and sacks. ill try and make the best of it. wish me luck! because of this my mom had to give what money she had back for my birthday money to rent -_- she never gave me it bcs her car had been broke down and she couldnt get a card for the money to be put on. it seems almost as though this was fate, prolonging my mother from giving me my money so she could inevitably throw it towards rent so we could fucking. survive. i guess. she told me ill get it finally soon though. i fucking HOPE!!!!!!!! god theres so much shit i want im clamoring. christmas sucked. birthday sucked. i just want shit i actually like oh my god please. im not spoiled. just poor and tired of it. and doomed with parents who dont understand me.
speaking of birthday and christmas, i did get really great gifts from my good friend alex. two mike nesmith records, the sleeve to the potp record, some cds, just to name a few highlights. that was probably the best part about january! my room has fallen in disarray btw. i cant stand looking at my surroundings. im praying for it to finally be clean one day. sighhhh
my hopes for february go as follows..
order chinese takeout at least 2 times (ouughh)
watch at least 3 great movies
get room clean once and for fucking all
get the sherlock outfit on splatoon
finish the mikey and fletcher story, or at least get lots of progress in
watch a john candy movie
finish twin peaks
draw something i actually like
order my fucking vibrator.
get stickers for my phone and laptop
and thats it. hopefully its not too much to ask of lady luck! i know she hates me but maybe she'll cut me some slack. alright, im done. peace!
01/25/24....................imagine me and you
i watched two movies in a row last night. mars attacks, and adaptation. both were alright in their own ways. ive also been slowly chipping away an oc story, specifically about my ocs mikey and fletcher. my ocs actually mean a great deal to me, and i draw them often and think about them often. they just arent present on this site bcs my art has been traced in the past and i still really dont feel comfortable posting it anywhere. im not very good at writing, pretty much at all. i wrote a decent story about a year ago but i still think it could be improved. i want to be able to write, and i even like doing it. but i feel as though its similar to art in that it will take me ages to write anything that doesnt feel like a stream of consciousness and more like an actual uniform story. i dont read books. ive read a lot of fanfiction, but even that i have little reason to read these days. so im really working with nothing. you might wonder why i want to write and why i try writing if i dont read books. its mostly because i want to adapt things i cant within my own illustrations. my oc lore is really big, so much so that i could spend days talking about it. so naturally i want to adapt them into readable stories, mostly for my own enjoyment but there is a part of me thats motivated to do it for my 3 friends as well so they understand my ocs better.
back on the topic of movies, which ive been watching a lot of lately, if you want to read my reviews and thoughts and see what ive been watching lately please feel free to take a look at my letterboxd. its linked on the main page! im also completely fine with recommendations, and i encourage them. throw any movie my way. i would especially love it if your recommendations coincided with movies i already liked. that would be nice of you. i think maybe in the future i may post movie reviews on my site, but its not top of my to-do list. right now i want to work more on my xtc shrine and a page for my record collection.
ok stop reading here i will discuss 18+ topics
im still working very hard on getting my first vibrator. working veyr hard as in asking my mom over and over again when she'll give me my birthday money. which is what im buying it with. no my mom doesnt know. no i didnt tell her. im not crazy. im not independant. i dont make money. its pathetic. anyways ive been more sexually open with my close friend johnny lately, and its been a huge weight off my shoulders. it never occurred to me how healthy it would be to have another person to discuss the nature of sexuality with. completely platonically. my whole life, and especially after becoming an adult, ive been completely ashamed of my sexual desire. feeling totally repulsive and shameful every time i feel aroused. but after starting to be more open with my friends, ive felt more empowered by it than i ever have.
nonetheless its still pretty upsetting to remember i dont Have anyone to actually Do anything with. most of my day is spent fantasizing about a gentle, caring, beautiful man that will satisfy me and do everything ive ever wanted done to me. all i can do is dream. i wish i could just run into a beautiful man miraculously. i know a beautiful man. but hes taken. and too old for me. thats the only one i know. so. thats too bad. though i think if i knew an available beautiful man he still wouldnt want me. who would? i find it hard to believe anybody would see me and think sexual desire. what else is there to write here?
ive also been chipping away at a piece for my friend. this ive had rotting in my file libraries since september. its for mews birthday. im really looking forward to finishing it, because its really close. but every time i try to work on it i get extremely fatigued and tired and i cant think straight. it seems like all i do is sleep anymore. i dont really know how to stop doing that. i actually would be sleeping right now, i only woke up bcs i was starving and my limbs were aching. so i woke up ate breakfast and decided to do this...downstairs in my front room instead of in my bed like usual. many people say its mentally beneficial to get out of bed, and even get out of your room, to help motivate you. i think this is true! nonetheless i will probably go back to sleep after i put this on the site. bye!
back on the topic of movies, which ive been watching a lot of lately, if you want to read my reviews and thoughts and see what ive been watching lately please feel free to take a look at my letterboxd. its linked on the main page! im also completely fine with recommendations, and i encourage them. throw any movie my way. i would especially love it if your recommendations coincided with movies i already liked. that would be nice of you. i think maybe in the future i may post movie reviews on my site, but its not top of my to-do list. right now i want to work more on my xtc shrine and a page for my record collection.
ok stop reading here i will discuss 18+ topics
im still working very hard on getting my first vibrator. working veyr hard as in asking my mom over and over again when she'll give me my birthday money. which is what im buying it with. no my mom doesnt know. no i didnt tell her. im not crazy. im not independant. i dont make money. its pathetic. anyways ive been more sexually open with my close friend johnny lately, and its been a huge weight off my shoulders. it never occurred to me how healthy it would be to have another person to discuss the nature of sexuality with. completely platonically. my whole life, and especially after becoming an adult, ive been completely ashamed of my sexual desire. feeling totally repulsive and shameful every time i feel aroused. but after starting to be more open with my friends, ive felt more empowered by it than i ever have.
nonetheless its still pretty upsetting to remember i dont Have anyone to actually Do anything with. most of my day is spent fantasizing about a gentle, caring, beautiful man that will satisfy me and do everything ive ever wanted done to me. all i can do is dream. i wish i could just run into a beautiful man miraculously. i know a beautiful man. but hes taken. and too old for me. thats the only one i know. so. thats too bad. though i think if i knew an available beautiful man he still wouldnt want me. who would? i find it hard to believe anybody would see me and think sexual desire. what else is there to write here?
01/13/24.........in a world so coooolddd
watching: vinesauce
devastating temperatures and a windchill ravaged my town for another year and a row and bitch it was fucking cold in the house!!! all day!!!!! my house is a piece of garbage shit thats horribly insulated, has holes in the ceiling, a badly working furnace and heat that turns off and on, and raccoons living in the roof!!! YAY!!!! I LIVE IN A HEALTH HAZARD!!! so yeah it was definitely fucking coldburger all day and it was made all the more worse bcs i got three vaccines yesterday, one of them my meningitis shot, and if you know anything you know that bitch packs a PUNCH!!!! so i was all dizzy and sickly and way colder than usual ect ect. but i watched some seinfeld downstairs and took a nap and all that stuff while spending time with my mom and i got better. yayyy
i cant be too miserable, im trying to be more positive and loving. i will try to let out my worst thoughts here mahybe? things are going well. i think some form of seasonal affective disorder hit me today, bcs it was so cold out and looked so bad..and it was so cold in the house. and still kinda sorta is. idk, im actually finding myself in a less than perfect mood right now. but im still off my prozac, and on that topic i saw the doctor yesterday (hence the three vaccines) and hopefully i think i can finally get my prozac and other meds! yay! hopefully once i get back on my prozac i wont feel as dreadful and in a funk i would really like to have her back in my life. today was just a bad day in general though, i handled it well, theres been worse. but yeah..
in other news i should finally be getting my birthday and christmas money next friday, or that weekend. im sooo ecstatic for obvious reasons but also stop reading if you are under 18 or hate sex talk
im HOPEFULLY getting a vibrator with the money. YAAAAAAAY YOU DONT UNDERSTAND HOW BADLY I WANT ONE. if youve seen my recent entries about my sexual frustration i think you can understand why i want one so bad. ohhh my god itd be a blessing. sexual freedom and joy for everyone INCLUDING PATHETIC TOUCH STARVED JACKIEEE!!
also im working on another story about my ocs, mikey and fletcher. its going to cover the story of their meeting and their first time gettin' it on. theyre sex life is very important to their characters and has been a big aspect of their story for ages so im really dying to get the whole thing down and cleared up. i want to write more about my ocs in general. both smut and just normal stuff. i want to develop my ocs to the best of my ability for no one but me. yay! heres to a shame free experience of writing my freaks
okay im outta here. seeya
devastating temperatures and a windchill ravaged my town for another year and a row and bitch it was fucking cold in the house!!! all day!!!!! my house is a piece of garbage shit thats horribly insulated, has holes in the ceiling, a badly working furnace and heat that turns off and on, and raccoons living in the roof!!! YAY!!!! I LIVE IN A HEALTH HAZARD!!! so yeah it was definitely fucking coldburger all day and it was made all the more worse bcs i got three vaccines yesterday, one of them my meningitis shot, and if you know anything you know that bitch packs a PUNCH!!!! so i was all dizzy and sickly and way colder than usual ect ect. but i watched some seinfeld downstairs and took a nap and all that stuff while spending time with my mom and i got better. yayyy
i cant be too miserable, im trying to be more positive and loving. i will try to let out my worst thoughts here mahybe? things are going well. i think some form of seasonal affective disorder hit me today, bcs it was so cold out and looked so bad..and it was so cold in the house. and still kinda sorta is. idk, im actually finding myself in a less than perfect mood right now. but im still off my prozac, and on that topic i saw the doctor yesterday (hence the three vaccines) and hopefully i think i can finally get my prozac and other meds! yay! hopefully once i get back on my prozac i wont feel as dreadful and in a funk i would really like to have her back in my life. today was just a bad day in general though, i handled it well, theres been worse. but yeah..
in other news i should finally be getting my birthday and christmas money next friday, or that weekend. im sooo ecstatic for obvious reasons but also stop reading if you are under 18 or hate sex talk
im HOPEFULLY getting a vibrator with the money. YAAAAAAAY YOU DONT UNDERSTAND HOW BADLY I WANT ONE. if youve seen my recent entries about my sexual frustration i think you can understand why i want one so bad. ohhh my god itd be a blessing. sexual freedom and joy for everyone INCLUDING PATHETIC TOUCH STARVED JACKIEEE!!
also im working on another story about my ocs, mikey and fletcher. its going to cover the story of their meeting and their first time gettin' it on. theyre sex life is very important to their characters and has been a big aspect of their story for ages so im really dying to get the whole thing down and cleared up. i want to write more about my ocs in general. both smut and just normal stuff. i want to develop my ocs to the best of my ability for no one but me. yay! heres to a shame free experience of writing my freaks
okay im outta here. seeya
01/11/24.........whistling in the dark
listening to: flood by tmbg
watching: lost media found in 2023 from blameitonjorge
drinking: coffee
eating: pickle potato chips
yeah ive not been doing good as my past entry has made obvious. i ran out of my prozac probably 2 weeks ago and have been in a constant back and forth with the pharmacy and insurance to get it back. along with my asthma medication which you know, lets me function. lol. my rescue inhaler is completely empty but dont tell my mom. i have a doctors appointment tomorrow that im fucking dreading only bcs i always dread them i hate doctors appointments. covid cases spiking lately has also made me incredibly fucking paranoid bcs my parents dont care and i dont have reliable masks. such is FUCKING life. nonetheless ive been in a good mood today after having a full blown meltdown yesterday.
i made four pieces of french toast for breakfast this morning, which were good but not as good as my dads. i had an awful cup of coffee though but thankfully i made a new pot and it tasted good (whcih is what im drinking now). i also started my morning listening to they might be giants which i havent been listening to regularly much at all, due to me playing them out for years now...but ive really been digging it again today, its like im rediscovering them. on that topic of tmbg btw, i really do hate it when other people like them. if youve kept up with my blog posts you know im incredibly sensitive to people liking my interests and tmbg i take especially to heart bcs when i got into them the fanbase was mostly not autistic and neurotic 12 year olds (which was what i was at the time) but these days, its simply OVERRUN with that type. you might think i should be glad, but im not. i agree with you though, I SHOULD be glad. but imjust not. i cant muster it. its because of my insane need to be the only one to like something. i have this genuine, unironic, "before it was cool" "real fan" attitude with things and it just makes liking things so much more insufferable for me. if you're thinking "haha, this idiot must be miserable." thanks, i am! you dont have to worry about that.
im taking a general social Break. im isolating myself from others. this is not good! but i need to! im becoming terrible to be around. even if my freinds claim im not i just know i am...im a corrosive person... im like..septic...ugh...im a hypocritical self obsessed freak of nature. and i hate that. whatever. i dont think i have much more to add. bye
watching: lost media found in 2023 from blameitonjorge
drinking: coffee
eating: pickle potato chips
yeah ive not been doing good as my past entry has made obvious. i ran out of my prozac probably 2 weeks ago and have been in a constant back and forth with the pharmacy and insurance to get it back. along with my asthma medication which you know, lets me function. lol. my rescue inhaler is completely empty but dont tell my mom. i have a doctors appointment tomorrow that im fucking dreading only bcs i always dread them i hate doctors appointments. covid cases spiking lately has also made me incredibly fucking paranoid bcs my parents dont care and i dont have reliable masks. such is FUCKING life. nonetheless ive been in a good mood today after having a full blown meltdown yesterday.
i made four pieces of french toast for breakfast this morning, which were good but not as good as my dads. i had an awful cup of coffee though but thankfully i made a new pot and it tasted good (whcih is what im drinking now). i also started my morning listening to they might be giants which i havent been listening to regularly much at all, due to me playing them out for years now...but ive really been digging it again today, its like im rediscovering them. on that topic of tmbg btw, i really do hate it when other people like them. if youve kept up with my blog posts you know im incredibly sensitive to people liking my interests and tmbg i take especially to heart bcs when i got into them the fanbase was mostly not autistic and neurotic 12 year olds (which was what i was at the time) but these days, its simply OVERRUN with that type. you might think i should be glad, but im not. i agree with you though, I SHOULD be glad. but imjust not. i cant muster it. its because of my insane need to be the only one to like something. i have this genuine, unironic, "before it was cool" "real fan" attitude with things and it just makes liking things so much more insufferable for me. if you're thinking "haha, this idiot must be miserable." thanks, i am! you dont have to worry about that.
im taking a general social Break. im isolating myself from others. this is not good! but i need to! im becoming terrible to be around. even if my freinds claim im not i just know i am...im a corrosive person... im like..septic...ugh...im a hypocritical self obsessed freak of nature. and i hate that. whatever. i dont think i have much more to add. bye
01/07/24.........im not going to do it dont freak out
listening to: xtc
ive been off my prozac for like 3 days and i alreayd want to fucking kill myself i dont have it bcs of the idiotic pharmacy not being able to fill it fo rme im so fucking mad i hate that i had to switch insurance for no reason i hate that they put me ina d ifferent pharmacy that didnt already have prozac stocked so now i have to sit and wail uncontrollably at my desk and resist the urge to start beating myself senseless until i stgart bleeding i want tof ucking die so fucking bad im so fucking miserable i cant do anything right now i just want to die someone please fucking kill me oh my god im so fucking mad im so fucking upset im so fucking depressed i feel like biting my own fucking figners off oh my god i cant fucking stand it
im being wrongfullymena to my fucking friends who did not deserve the brunt of my idiocy im saying stupid useless shit and being even more annoying than i usually am i just wanna die im so fucking stupid i cant function without a dumb fucking chemical in my body bcs im a failuire of a huma ni cant fucking take it anmyorte oh my god i just wana fucking go away i wanna be asleep forever. uuuggghhhh someone fucking kill me FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCKK IM TRYING SOO HARD NOT TO START THROWING SHIT AND BREAKING SHIT AROUND MY ALREADY DISGUSTING ROOM i wanna take a shower but the mere idea of doing so is making me so fucking angry id rather kill myself than shower id rather die than do anything i dont even like the feeling of existing right now i feel like tearing my skin off. FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ive been off my prozac for like 3 days and i alreayd want to fucking kill myself i dont have it bcs of the idiotic pharmacy not being able to fill it fo rme im so fucking mad i hate that i had to switch insurance for no reason i hate that they put me ina d ifferent pharmacy that didnt already have prozac stocked so now i have to sit and wail uncontrollably at my desk and resist the urge to start beating myself senseless until i stgart bleeding i want tof ucking die so fucking bad im so fucking miserable i cant do anything right now i just want to die someone please fucking kill me oh my god im so fucking mad im so fucking upset im so fucking depressed i feel like biting my own fucking figners off oh my god i cant fucking stand it
im being wrongfullymena to my fucking friends who did not deserve the brunt of my idiocy im saying stupid useless shit and being even more annoying than i usually am i just wanna die im so fucking stupid i cant function without a dumb fucking chemical in my body bcs im a failuire of a huma ni cant fucking take it anmyorte oh my god i just wana fucking go away i wanna be asleep forever. uuuggghhhh someone fucking kill me FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCKK IM TRYING SOO HARD NOT TO START THROWING SHIT AND BREAKING SHIT AROUND MY ALREADY DISGUSTING ROOM i wanna take a shower but the mere idea of doing so is making me so fucking angry id rather kill myself than shower id rather die than do anything i dont even like the feeling of existing right now i feel like tearing my skin off. FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
12/27/23.................jump for joy, jump for joy!
listening to: xtc
this morning i woke up to possibly the best thing that the universe could grace me. an article from swindon advertiser interviewing all four of the mainstay xtc members (andy, colin, david, terry). ohh i was over the moon, completely jumping for joy. what a wonderful gift to wake up to!!! what a lucky note to end the year on!!!
if you werent already aware, xtc is my favorite band of all time. period. i love their music than anybody elses and i think no one could ever hope to top them. no one!! no one ever ever ever. their music has touched my soul in a way i cant explain and they are a bigger deal to me than anything else i can describe. their lyrics have helped me find identity and have given me creative inspiration time and time again for the past 3, nearly 4, years. i know about their history inside and out, so you can imagine my reaction when a band whos entirely went their separate ways for the past 16 years...all agree to do an interview. of course, this interview wasnt done with all four of them around eachother. but its all four of them, being asked the same questions and put together in the same article!!! which is huge by itself because of the status of xtc for the past decade and a half.
the article focused mainly on the band's relationship to their home town of swindon, opinions on it and theyre place in the towns history. which warmed my heart, and made me smile. id love to visit swindon one day...but the main attraction of this article was of course them discussing the possibility of a reunion. which is slim. oh, extremely slim! i knew it was slim before i even read it. andy is easy to predict in terms of questions like this. david, colin, and terry saw potential- but all ultimately agreed that it depended on andy. because xtc isnt xtc without that lovable, high maintenence lad. andy's response to the hypothetical was expected, but nonetheless something i want to talk about.
andy essentially says the idea horrifies him, and that theres few things sadder than a bunch of, in his words, "fat balding old farts waddling on stage in the name of nostalgia", which i completely see where hes coming from and understand...but, i disagree! especially as a now huge monkees fan. the monkees are numero uno for fat old farts that waddle on stage, lol. but the way i see it, at least in the monkees sake, is that its not from a place of nostalgia. i think for a lot of old bands, reunions arent done for nostalgia. i think it represents a greater passion and desire for creating and performing with those youve spent your career with, and your very own fans. but another thing i think thats worth bringing up is that andy immediately assumed touring, but the way i see it is that they shouldnt do a reunion tour! they toured for not even half of xtc's lifespan as a band. they stopped in 1982 for petes sake!!! while id truly give anything to see my favorite band of all time live after thinking there'd be no chance, i dont believe a reunion tour is whats best for xtc in its current state nor is it needed. see, what i firmly believe, is that we need a new xtc album.
id love to hear new music from all of them, to hear all four of them together on something again for the first time in what would be nearly 40 years...just the idea makes me wanna click my heels. with andy releasing my failed songwriting career, colin recording stuff, and terry doing stuff as extc, plus with the past tc&i project...i can see a big possibility of a great new xtc album. however, andy does suffer from tinnitus and has expressed in a similarly recent interview that he has lost a lot of his former passion for music. which i sympathize with and feel so terrible for him...i feel as though, thats the only thing that makes a new xtc release so unlikely. and really, i wouldnt care if we got one or not either way. because to me xtc will always be great and they dont NEED a new album. they dont NEED a new ANYTHING. because xtc in its current state is so flawless and strong even today.
but yeah thats my general opinion of the topic of anything "new" coming out of xtc, my favorite band of all time. they mean the world to me and anything coming from them would be a miracle. but i would never demand them or beg them...any outcome would make me happy all the same.
this morning i woke up to possibly the best thing that the universe could grace me. an article from swindon advertiser interviewing all four of the mainstay xtc members (andy, colin, david, terry). ohh i was over the moon, completely jumping for joy. what a wonderful gift to wake up to!!! what a lucky note to end the year on!!!
if you werent already aware, xtc is my favorite band of all time. period. i love their music than anybody elses and i think no one could ever hope to top them. no one!! no one ever ever ever. their music has touched my soul in a way i cant explain and they are a bigger deal to me than anything else i can describe. their lyrics have helped me find identity and have given me creative inspiration time and time again for the past 3, nearly 4, years. i know about their history inside and out, so you can imagine my reaction when a band whos entirely went their separate ways for the past 16 years...all agree to do an interview. of course, this interview wasnt done with all four of them around eachother. but its all four of them, being asked the same questions and put together in the same article!!! which is huge by itself because of the status of xtc for the past decade and a half.
the article focused mainly on the band's relationship to their home town of swindon, opinions on it and theyre place in the towns history. which warmed my heart, and made me smile. id love to visit swindon one day...but the main attraction of this article was of course them discussing the possibility of a reunion. which is slim. oh, extremely slim! i knew it was slim before i even read it. andy is easy to predict in terms of questions like this. david, colin, and terry saw potential- but all ultimately agreed that it depended on andy. because xtc isnt xtc without that lovable, high maintenence lad. andy's response to the hypothetical was expected, but nonetheless something i want to talk about.
andy essentially says the idea horrifies him, and that theres few things sadder than a bunch of, in his words, "fat balding old farts waddling on stage in the name of nostalgia", which i completely see where hes coming from and understand...but, i disagree! especially as a now huge monkees fan. the monkees are numero uno for fat old farts that waddle on stage, lol. but the way i see it, at least in the monkees sake, is that its not from a place of nostalgia. i think for a lot of old bands, reunions arent done for nostalgia. i think it represents a greater passion and desire for creating and performing with those youve spent your career with, and your very own fans. but another thing i think thats worth bringing up is that andy immediately assumed touring, but the way i see it is that they shouldnt do a reunion tour! they toured for not even half of xtc's lifespan as a band. they stopped in 1982 for petes sake!!! while id truly give anything to see my favorite band of all time live after thinking there'd be no chance, i dont believe a reunion tour is whats best for xtc in its current state nor is it needed. see, what i firmly believe, is that we need a new xtc album.
id love to hear new music from all of them, to hear all four of them together on something again for the first time in what would be nearly 40 years...just the idea makes me wanna click my heels. with andy releasing my failed songwriting career, colin recording stuff, and terry doing stuff as extc, plus with the past tc&i project...i can see a big possibility of a great new xtc album. however, andy does suffer from tinnitus and has expressed in a similarly recent interview that he has lost a lot of his former passion for music. which i sympathize with and feel so terrible for him...i feel as though, thats the only thing that makes a new xtc release so unlikely. and really, i wouldnt care if we got one or not either way. because to me xtc will always be great and they dont NEED a new album. they dont NEED a new ANYTHING. because xtc in its current state is so flawless and strong even today.
but yeah thats my general opinion of the topic of anything "new" coming out of xtc, my favorite band of all time. they mean the world to me and anything coming from them would be a miracle. but i would never demand them or beg them...any outcome would make me happy all the same.
12/24/23.................im breathing in, im breathing out
songs listened to while typing this:
margaret freeman - the residents
take me to the river live - talking heads
i will never love you - bondage fairies
like humans do - david byrne
well, im 19 and what have i got to say for it. nothing!!!!!!! what have i been doing the past couple of days. listening to more monkees. enjoying more monkees. watching more seinfeld occassionally. eating like a pig. this is just my everyday to be honest. getting depressed and miserable and embarrassed and scared and anxious. ect ect!!
past 4 days ive been having asthma flare ups which has been scary and odd bcs ive not had any of such significance since i was really little. but im managing it and i know if something happens ill get taken care of. probably. ummm...what else...
ive been drawing? listening to music incessantly? i dont know what ive been doing. i dont do anything. i watched planes, trains, and automobiles the other day and im so so in love with it. i also watched the king of comedy the same night with my friend charlie, and we both really enjoyed it.
oh right on my birthday i got candy, a shirt which i love, two projecting lights, and um. a phonecase that didnt fit my phone. my mom has to return it. LOL. i also got a peace sign necklace which reminds me so much of peter tork :)) one of my favorite people ever if you didnt know. i also got stickers. oh and i had this DELICIOUS MASSIVE cheesecake and it was the most delicious confectionary i had ever tasted...and i made cupcakes, and decorated them. they were very yummy. i also had chinese that night for dinner and it was so delicious, even if the power went out as soon as i started eating -_- completely ruined my mood. i was watching wrath of khan that night with my friends alex, charlie, and earthy.
im looking forward to christmas tomorrow, and hoping for some good stuff that wont rot away in my room like most gifts i tend to get. im still grateful. i love my mom. maybe im just hard to get gifts for... or maybe its because i dont have a life. i plan on watching the grinch while i eat christmas dinner.
oh also i managed to get the floor of my room cleared off, i need to do some more picking up at some point. if this breathing issue persists though idk when that will be. we'll see. today i danced around to monkees songs in my room and tried to fight an asthma attack bcs i weigh dancing over my life. naturally. i keep falling asleep while playing candy crush...
i hope you have a good christmas. hugs and kisses
margaret freeman - the residents
take me to the river live - talking heads
i will never love you - bondage fairies
like humans do - david byrne
well, im 19 and what have i got to say for it. nothing!!!!!!! what have i been doing the past couple of days. listening to more monkees. enjoying more monkees. watching more seinfeld occassionally. eating like a pig. this is just my everyday to be honest. getting depressed and miserable and embarrassed and scared and anxious. ect ect!!
past 4 days ive been having asthma flare ups which has been scary and odd bcs ive not had any of such significance since i was really little. but im managing it and i know if something happens ill get taken care of. probably. ummm...what else...
ive been drawing? listening to music incessantly? i dont know what ive been doing. i dont do anything. i watched planes, trains, and automobiles the other day and im so so in love with it. i also watched the king of comedy the same night with my friend charlie, and we both really enjoyed it.
oh right on my birthday i got candy, a shirt which i love, two projecting lights, and um. a phonecase that didnt fit my phone. my mom has to return it. LOL. i also got a peace sign necklace which reminds me so much of peter tork :)) one of my favorite people ever if you didnt know. i also got stickers. oh and i had this DELICIOUS MASSIVE cheesecake and it was the most delicious confectionary i had ever tasted...and i made cupcakes, and decorated them. they were very yummy. i also had chinese that night for dinner and it was so delicious, even if the power went out as soon as i started eating -_- completely ruined my mood. i was watching wrath of khan that night with my friends alex, charlie, and earthy.
im looking forward to christmas tomorrow, and hoping for some good stuff that wont rot away in my room like most gifts i tend to get. im still grateful. i love my mom. maybe im just hard to get gifts for... or maybe its because i dont have a life. i plan on watching the grinch while i eat christmas dinner.
oh also i managed to get the floor of my room cleared off, i need to do some more picking up at some point. if this breathing issue persists though idk when that will be. we'll see. today i danced around to monkees songs in my room and tried to fight an asthma attack bcs i weigh dancing over my life. naturally. i keep falling asleep while playing candy crush...
i hope you have a good christmas. hugs and kisses
12/04/23.......................between you and me
i better pray he doesnt look at my site. anyways ive been smitten lately for one of my friends, and as all crushes go its torture...i cant stop thinking about him. im scared to describe his appearance as it will give it away and id literally rather die than have him read this, but his appearance is one of the most wonderful things about him. theres something about guys like him that i cant get enough of. gentle, not even remotely masculine at all. kooky, weird, funny. i cant take it, i just want a boyfriend that IS him or is LIKE him and i hate that i dont have one. i think about it constantly. ESPECIALLY in bed, because it almost feels as though thats when im the loneliest....i have no one to keep me warm or be by my side and all i can think about is a tender, sweet, unbelievably mind numbingly beautiful wonderful man to be there with me. thinking about his touch, the way he breathes, the way he smells. i hate being touch starved, i hate that im an unlovable weird looking fat freak, and that the mere idea of someone being attracted to me weirds me out because i hate how i look. i cant wrap my mind around someone finding me attractive because if i dont find me attractive how can anyone else...? its inconcievable to me and i always assume they'd be lying. im rambling at this point. i just want him. i want the guy im thinking about right now. i want him everyday. its not fair. cant i just stop feeling this way about him so it doesnt hurt as much when i see him?
12/04/23.......................epic fail
im such a selfish self obsessed idiot im full of envy and jealousy and im so fucking insecure and all i care about is me how people think of me how people will respond to me all i want is attention all i crave is attention all the time and i dont want this to be me i never want this to be me i HATE that this is me. this has been me for as long as i can remember and my social life has been a sisyphean task of getting over this idiotic child like obsession with myself and with people giving me attention. all i want is the center of attention and when ppl are talking in front of me and im not apart of the conversation i just get mad and i shouldnt i dont fucking want to be mad i want to be normal about it. can i stop being mad??? can i stop convincing myself that people hate me and like others more than me?? i just want it to stop i want to be a normal stable person i hate that friendship is an uphill battle for me and constantly has been i just want to be normla i want to be likable i hate it i hate all of it just make it stop UGGHHH FUCK MEEEE I FUCKING HATE IT I HATE IT SO FUCKING MUCHHH MAKE IT STOP JUST MAKE IT STOP
12/04/23.......................plagiarism and me!
hbomberguy made a great 3 and a half hour long video about plagiarism, specifically plagiarism comitted on youtube, but he discusses the general topic as a whole as well. at the end he ties the video together by discussing what he feels inspires the act of plagiarism in so many people, and this resonated with me as someone who was also plagiarized. in one way or another. so i guess this is the moment i tell this story, and what hbomberguy's description represented for me as a whole.
in july of 2021, i was sent a follow request on my private twitter account. when i had went to see who it was, it was gone. i typed in the username i saw in the initial notification and had found that they had blocked my private account, and my main account. they had accidentally sent me a follow request when trying to block me. when i tried to get to the bottom of this, on a separate account, i saw my own artworks on the account they blocked me on- badly, and terribly traced and recolored. many of these tracings of my own art works getting far more engagement than my original uploads of them. it was heart breaking. i had these terrible tremors off and on for the rest of the day, it had bothered me that badly.
if you havent learned by now, im a deeply insecure person. i hate myself. i dont have a lot of confidence in what i do, what i say, how i feel. im possessive of what i like and what i make, and what ive made myself as its all i have. its all people let me have. i think no one likes it so i have to like it for myself. its complicated. im a very complicated person. im both self obsessed and self loathing. so im sure you can imagine how someone with such a broken insecure mind would react to someone doing this, tracing my own works. it was mentally destructive and its still something i experience the effects of to this day. i locked all of my accounts where my art was publically accessible and deleted what i needed to just so i couldnt be seen by them, or any other possible offenders. because even after dealing with that person and doing the ring around with them, i knew they would try to come back and do more.
tracing my art wasnt the only thing they did, though. they didnt just "plagiarize" my art, they "plagiarized" my entire fucking personality. my interests, the music i liked, the fucking carrd i had linked on my profile i used to introduce myself to new followers. they had used one of my own names for themselves, had begun speaking like me. they made spotify playlists that were directly ripped off from exact ones i made. it was horrifying. they were literally trying to be me. so imagine how someone who cant fucking stand being in their own skin would react to a stranger trying to be THEM. not just tracing their art work but literally trying to be THEM.
and this is where what hbomberguy's words come into play. obviously this is going to be half remembered because this is a personal mused blog post and im having violent acid reflux right now, but to boil it down, he says humanity as a whole is constantly finding themselves, and often look to others to complete themselves and to figure out who they really are. and sometimes in this process, will commit acts like the one i just told you about. it made me realize a lot more about the person who did this to me. it made me understand their motives more, understand why'd they do something like this to someone they never spoke to. and in a way i relate, i dont know who i am. and whenever i think i do i hate who i am, if im ever in a split moment of clarity where i briefly realize just who i am...i hate what i see. so i get it. as most of us do, really. none of us know who the hell we are...and some of us might take more extreme irrational measures to "figure" it out. but in the end, when you try to claim someone else's identity as your own to feel complete, you and the person you stole from ultimately just feel a hell of a lot worse than you both did before.
i dont know. i will never forgive that person for what they did to me. it was horrifying. i still hate them for doing it, and i dont care that hate is a strong word. there are still days where i cant see myself, or my art, the same way because of them. but at least now i can say i understand why'd they do such a horrible thing to me.
in july of 2021, i was sent a follow request on my private twitter account. when i had went to see who it was, it was gone. i typed in the username i saw in the initial notification and had found that they had blocked my private account, and my main account. they had accidentally sent me a follow request when trying to block me. when i tried to get to the bottom of this, on a separate account, i saw my own artworks on the account they blocked me on- badly, and terribly traced and recolored. many of these tracings of my own art works getting far more engagement than my original uploads of them. it was heart breaking. i had these terrible tremors off and on for the rest of the day, it had bothered me that badly.
if you havent learned by now, im a deeply insecure person. i hate myself. i dont have a lot of confidence in what i do, what i say, how i feel. im possessive of what i like and what i make, and what ive made myself as its all i have. its all people let me have. i think no one likes it so i have to like it for myself. its complicated. im a very complicated person. im both self obsessed and self loathing. so im sure you can imagine how someone with such a broken insecure mind would react to someone doing this, tracing my own works. it was mentally destructive and its still something i experience the effects of to this day. i locked all of my accounts where my art was publically accessible and deleted what i needed to just so i couldnt be seen by them, or any other possible offenders. because even after dealing with that person and doing the ring around with them, i knew they would try to come back and do more.
tracing my art wasnt the only thing they did, though. they didnt just "plagiarize" my art, they "plagiarized" my entire fucking personality. my interests, the music i liked, the fucking carrd i had linked on my profile i used to introduce myself to new followers. they had used one of my own names for themselves, had begun speaking like me. they made spotify playlists that were directly ripped off from exact ones i made. it was horrifying. they were literally trying to be me. so imagine how someone who cant fucking stand being in their own skin would react to a stranger trying to be THEM. not just tracing their art work but literally trying to be THEM.
and this is where what hbomberguy's words come into play. obviously this is going to be half remembered because this is a personal mused blog post and im having violent acid reflux right now, but to boil it down, he says humanity as a whole is constantly finding themselves, and often look to others to complete themselves and to figure out who they really are. and sometimes in this process, will commit acts like the one i just told you about. it made me realize a lot more about the person who did this to me. it made me understand their motives more, understand why'd they do something like this to someone they never spoke to. and in a way i relate, i dont know who i am. and whenever i think i do i hate who i am, if im ever in a split moment of clarity where i briefly realize just who i am...i hate what i see. so i get it. as most of us do, really. none of us know who the hell we are...and some of us might take more extreme irrational measures to "figure" it out. but in the end, when you try to claim someone else's identity as your own to feel complete, you and the person you stole from ultimately just feel a hell of a lot worse than you both did before.
i dont know. i will never forgive that person for what they did to me. it was horrifying. i still hate them for doing it, and i dont care that hate is a strong word. there are still days where i cant see myself, or my art, the same way because of them. but at least now i can say i understand why'd they do such a horrible thing to me.
12/03/23...........................come on in
listening to: mgb-gt by peter tork
drinking: lipton citrus green tea
it only occurred to me recently that i couldve been writing blog entries this whole time, and just waited until my blog was recoded to upload them. im very stupid. i was a ghostbuster on halloween and i ate a lot of candy and ate candied meatballs and i watched a garbo horror movie with my parents and then i watched phantom of the paradise and slept. it was a great halloween. thanksgiving was as it usually is, but my dad totally fucked up the cheesy potatoes which is like the entire point of thanksgiving in this house =_= i watched jacobs ladder on thanskgiving, a cerebral psychological horror. i liked it, its really sad. the lead kept reminding me of andy partridge
i surrounded myself with too many monkees fans and it drained me, and i felt myself getting apathetic about them/pessimistic about them. i saw and read way too many things that upset me and i had to distance myself from the fans so i could be normal. i wouldnt have to do this if i wasnt a totally neurotic FREAK. but whatever i guess. i was obsessed with the monkees all throughout october and then through november i was just soooo weird about them but by the end of nov i got better about them again. ive also been watching a lot of movies lately. enjoying my time with them...mostly.
my room is an unmanagable nightmarish horrible disaster that makes me embarrassed and upset just to think about it. my mom has offered to help me out with it (because it is no longer a one man job) but because she has adhd just the same as me she is similarly having a hard time actually coming up here to my room to help like shes been insisting for three days. what a drag. ive listened to a few new albums. new songs. ect. as i tend to! im trying to redevelop an old oc of mine, vesta. not really liking how its coming but ill keep trying.
ive been struggling with insecurity, self hatred, ect. the works. as it alwasy tends to be!!! im so mean to other people because of my own issues, its terrible. i want it to go away. im trying so hard...
i turn 19 on the 14th of this month. im less pessimistic about it than i was about turning 18. i know what to expect now. 2023 genuinely felt like only 6 months, i cant believe its been 12. kisses and hugs
drinking: lipton citrus green tea
it only occurred to me recently that i couldve been writing blog entries this whole time, and just waited until my blog was recoded to upload them. im very stupid. i was a ghostbuster on halloween and i ate a lot of candy and ate candied meatballs and i watched a garbo horror movie with my parents and then i watched phantom of the paradise and slept. it was a great halloween. thanksgiving was as it usually is, but my dad totally fucked up the cheesy potatoes which is like the entire point of thanksgiving in this house =_= i watched jacobs ladder on thanskgiving, a cerebral psychological horror. i liked it, its really sad. the lead kept reminding me of andy partridge
i surrounded myself with too many monkees fans and it drained me, and i felt myself getting apathetic about them/pessimistic about them. i saw and read way too many things that upset me and i had to distance myself from the fans so i could be normal. i wouldnt have to do this if i wasnt a totally neurotic FREAK. but whatever i guess. i was obsessed with the monkees all throughout october and then through november i was just soooo weird about them but by the end of nov i got better about them again. ive also been watching a lot of movies lately. enjoying my time with them...mostly.
my room is an unmanagable nightmarish horrible disaster that makes me embarrassed and upset just to think about it. my mom has offered to help me out with it (because it is no longer a one man job) but because she has adhd just the same as me she is similarly having a hard time actually coming up here to my room to help like shes been insisting for three days. what a drag. ive listened to a few new albums. new songs. ect. as i tend to! im trying to redevelop an old oc of mine, vesta. not really liking how its coming but ill keep trying.
ive been struggling with insecurity, self hatred, ect. the works. as it alwasy tends to be!!! im so mean to other people because of my own issues, its terrible. i want it to go away. im trying so hard...
i turn 19 on the 14th of this month. im less pessimistic about it than i was about turning 18. i know what to expect now. 2023 genuinely felt like only 6 months, i cant believe its been 12. kisses and hugs
11/26/23........................i desire
warning: i talk about sex and romance and my lame relationship with it. dont read if you dont want that
in the modern american society i reside in, its expected and encouraged that you lose your virginity around the age of 18. at least, this is how i see society. if youve read my site already you know ive been isolated since the age of 7. no social life, no real life friends. everyone ive ever known, closely or even briefly romantically, has been across a computer screen. and even during this experience, namely 16-18 (the ideal years to experience something romantic and sexual) i was never even sent one provocative text. no ones ever complimented my body or told me what they'd like to do to me. im sure a lot of people around my age range and older can relate. and truly, most would tell me i have no reason to feel grief because im still so young. but my situation is too specific for all of these. ive been isolated for so long with no light at the end of the tunnel. an endless dark tunnel of loneliness. never being touched, held. carressed, kissed. none of that. i get squeemish when i watch kissing and sex scenes. i close my eyes and curl my toes, and i dont really know from what emotion. maybe its bashfulness, disgust, jealousy...? i know a lot of the time, it is jealousy. i have a huge sexual and romantic crush on the emh from star trek: voyager, and during one of his first kissing scenes i felt such anguish. i HATED that he was kissing someone other than me. but other kissing scenes in other shows or movies, with people im not quite interested in so strongly, i still react strongly like that. in this case i really dont know what it is, especially because i want to be touched so bad. to be kissed so bad. maybe im just embarrassed by the funny faces kissing and sex makes people do. i dont know...i literlaly dont know...its stupid. im a child.
going to the doctors office as ive gotten older has been weird because every time my doctor goes to touch me, i tense up and get scared it will turn me on. i think this is an ocd induced paranoia, or something. but its weird. i hate it. i think its also from touch starvation. the only touch i recieve from anyone in areas like my neck, or my stomach, is from a doctor. thats not meant to imply anything between me and my doctor. i say it to mostly represent just how untouched i feel. unloved i feel. i feel like even if magically i had a social life, no one would ever dream of looking at me and wanting to touch me. to kiss me, to feel me. i bring up the doctor bcs of the emh which i also brought up earlier. idk, i know it seems silly to be so sexually attracted to a bald hologram from a scifi drama from the 90s, but he was literally like...my second sexual awakening. i first saw voyager when i was 18 and i realized the emh was the first anything i felt genuine sexual desire towards. like real sexual desire. my utter desire for him was what sprung me into actually browsing for sex toys, because i thought i couldnt take not being touched anymore. and i hated that the one man i wanted to be touched by literally wasnt even real...let alone not even a corporeal being. imagine im using the sob emoji here. anyways back to the doctor thing. watching through voyager for the first time theres a scene where the emh checks captain janeways lymph nodes, the parts of your sinuses that are below your ears on your upper neck. i believe...maybe theyre not apart of the sinuses, but they swell when youre sick. anyways, a gesture that was obviously intended to be casual and caring i completely interpreted as erotic. after that scene i would think about him touching me there, and all of the other places a doctor would, multiple times a day. id go to bed thinking about it. see the point of me bringing this up is that touch starvation will make you sexualize even the simplest things, like a doctor checking their patient. is this morally incorrect? im not turend on by my real doctor, but i was worried i was bcs of a holographic bald dude from a scifi show. hes not real. but if i was on voyager i would probably make sexual advances towards him. i dont know...it doesnt really matter. maybe janeway would get mad at me (insert another sob emoji) im typing this in such a serious tone but im mostly being funny here.
amongst me browsing for sex toys this year amongst turning 18 i also started actually watching porn. i hate confessing this. i feel weird. watching porn feels weird. it doesnt turn me on the same way my thoughts do. my intimate fantasies with my weird looking unconventional men never truly match up to porn. maybe thats just how it is for everyone...sometimes i just watch porn cause im curious. but when i first started it got to the point where like i got sick of jerking off. it was like i was doing it too much. so i dont do it as much. fully exploring sexuality now is kind of weird...and shameful, and lame. cause i dont even have anybody to do it with. i just have my lame hands and my dumb phone. watching porn and jerking off just makes me even More miserable that im a sexually frustrated buffoon. i mean. its just embarrassing...sometimes i wonder if im hyping it up too much and that if i ever even have sex its gonna be super lame, and ill have spent hours of my late teenage life and early adult life thinking about this thing that isnt even really that good. but when i see beautiful men i just get sick to my stomach. it doesnt even always have to be sex or penetration or whatever. just cuddling and kissing is erotic enough for me. i could get off of that alone. that would be enough for me even. but ill never meet anyone. i feel like i will never meet a guy who will please me sexually. who will want to please me sexually. who will actually get aroused by my body and my existence. and even if magically a man will feel these things towards me, what the hell do i do if i dont feel them towards him? i hate sex. i hate romance. but i also love all of it and i want to experience it but its not fair. they wont fucking let me experience it man
in the modern american society i reside in, its expected and encouraged that you lose your virginity around the age of 18. at least, this is how i see society. if youve read my site already you know ive been isolated since the age of 7. no social life, no real life friends. everyone ive ever known, closely or even briefly romantically, has been across a computer screen. and even during this experience, namely 16-18 (the ideal years to experience something romantic and sexual) i was never even sent one provocative text. no ones ever complimented my body or told me what they'd like to do to me. im sure a lot of people around my age range and older can relate. and truly, most would tell me i have no reason to feel grief because im still so young. but my situation is too specific for all of these. ive been isolated for so long with no light at the end of the tunnel. an endless dark tunnel of loneliness. never being touched, held. carressed, kissed. none of that. i get squeemish when i watch kissing and sex scenes. i close my eyes and curl my toes, and i dont really know from what emotion. maybe its bashfulness, disgust, jealousy...? i know a lot of the time, it is jealousy. i have a huge sexual and romantic crush on the emh from star trek: voyager, and during one of his first kissing scenes i felt such anguish. i HATED that he was kissing someone other than me. but other kissing scenes in other shows or movies, with people im not quite interested in so strongly, i still react strongly like that. in this case i really dont know what it is, especially because i want to be touched so bad. to be kissed so bad. maybe im just embarrassed by the funny faces kissing and sex makes people do. i dont know...i literlaly dont know...its stupid. im a child.
going to the doctors office as ive gotten older has been weird because every time my doctor goes to touch me, i tense up and get scared it will turn me on. i think this is an ocd induced paranoia, or something. but its weird. i hate it. i think its also from touch starvation. the only touch i recieve from anyone in areas like my neck, or my stomach, is from a doctor. thats not meant to imply anything between me and my doctor. i say it to mostly represent just how untouched i feel. unloved i feel. i feel like even if magically i had a social life, no one would ever dream of looking at me and wanting to touch me. to kiss me, to feel me. i bring up the doctor bcs of the emh which i also brought up earlier. idk, i know it seems silly to be so sexually attracted to a bald hologram from a scifi drama from the 90s, but he was literally like...my second sexual awakening. i first saw voyager when i was 18 and i realized the emh was the first anything i felt genuine sexual desire towards. like real sexual desire. my utter desire for him was what sprung me into actually browsing for sex toys, because i thought i couldnt take not being touched anymore. and i hated that the one man i wanted to be touched by literally wasnt even real...let alone not even a corporeal being. imagine im using the sob emoji here. anyways back to the doctor thing. watching through voyager for the first time theres a scene where the emh checks captain janeways lymph nodes, the parts of your sinuses that are below your ears on your upper neck. i believe...maybe theyre not apart of the sinuses, but they swell when youre sick. anyways, a gesture that was obviously intended to be casual and caring i completely interpreted as erotic. after that scene i would think about him touching me there, and all of the other places a doctor would, multiple times a day. id go to bed thinking about it. see the point of me bringing this up is that touch starvation will make you sexualize even the simplest things, like a doctor checking their patient. is this morally incorrect? im not turend on by my real doctor, but i was worried i was bcs of a holographic bald dude from a scifi show. hes not real. but if i was on voyager i would probably make sexual advances towards him. i dont know...it doesnt really matter. maybe janeway would get mad at me (insert another sob emoji) im typing this in such a serious tone but im mostly being funny here.
amongst me browsing for sex toys this year amongst turning 18 i also started actually watching porn. i hate confessing this. i feel weird. watching porn feels weird. it doesnt turn me on the same way my thoughts do. my intimate fantasies with my weird looking unconventional men never truly match up to porn. maybe thats just how it is for everyone...sometimes i just watch porn cause im curious. but when i first started it got to the point where like i got sick of jerking off. it was like i was doing it too much. so i dont do it as much. fully exploring sexuality now is kind of weird...and shameful, and lame. cause i dont even have anybody to do it with. i just have my lame hands and my dumb phone. watching porn and jerking off just makes me even More miserable that im a sexually frustrated buffoon. i mean. its just embarrassing...sometimes i wonder if im hyping it up too much and that if i ever even have sex its gonna be super lame, and ill have spent hours of my late teenage life and early adult life thinking about this thing that isnt even really that good. but when i see beautiful men i just get sick to my stomach. it doesnt even always have to be sex or penetration or whatever. just cuddling and kissing is erotic enough for me. i could get off of that alone. that would be enough for me even. but ill never meet anyone. i feel like i will never meet a guy who will please me sexually. who will want to please me sexually. who will actually get aroused by my body and my existence. and even if magically a man will feel these things towards me, what the hell do i do if i dont feel them towards him? i hate sex. i hate romance. but i also love all of it and i want to experience it but its not fair. they wont fucking let me experience it man
10/08/23........................Zilch.
listening to: headquarters by the monkees
happy october! im hyperfixated on the monkees and they are genuinely all i can think about. ive been listening to their music and watching their show for a week now, and im completely hooked. i like ogling pictures of them on pinterest. by the way, theres a fansite that has a lot of content of theirs meticulously catalogued and photographed. including a massive catalog of every outfit and piece of clothing theyve ever been seen wearing, separated by accessory, top, bottom, ect. the site is here if you'd like to see it, lol.
because of my intense newfound interest in the monkees, i found out a book about their touring career was available at the library just a few blocks away from me. because of this, i was trying to convince my mom to take me. but as i shouldve known better, she kept making up reasons she couldnt. i.e. they'll make me pay for overdue books from when you were a kid, i dont feel good, i wanna do it on a day i have money (which is never), ect ect. and i was also trying to get their debut album on original pressing from discogs, which is really cheap btw. that she also could not get. idk if im spoiled but things just feel impossible. it sucks. see my last entry.
on a lighter note, umm...actually i dont have anything else light to talk about except for my love for the monkees. im looking forward to fattening up on candy this month. also i think im artblocked again. which is annoying, cause i wanna draw monkees stuff!!!! grrr!!!
Never mind the furthmore, the plea is self defense!
happy october! im hyperfixated on the monkees and they are genuinely all i can think about. ive been listening to their music and watching their show for a week now, and im completely hooked. i like ogling pictures of them on pinterest. by the way, theres a fansite that has a lot of content of theirs meticulously catalogued and photographed. including a massive catalog of every outfit and piece of clothing theyve ever been seen wearing, separated by accessory, top, bottom, ect. the site is here if you'd like to see it, lol.
because of my intense newfound interest in the monkees, i found out a book about their touring career was available at the library just a few blocks away from me. because of this, i was trying to convince my mom to take me. but as i shouldve known better, she kept making up reasons she couldnt. i.e. they'll make me pay for overdue books from when you were a kid, i dont feel good, i wanna do it on a day i have money (which is never), ect ect. and i was also trying to get their debut album on original pressing from discogs, which is really cheap btw. that she also could not get. idk if im spoiled but things just feel impossible. it sucks. see my last entry.
on a lighter note, umm...actually i dont have anything else light to talk about except for my love for the monkees. im looking forward to fattening up on candy this month. also i think im artblocked again. which is annoying, cause i wanna draw monkees stuff!!!! grrr!!!
Never mind the furthmore, the plea is self defense!
09/30/23...........all you can do is laugh
i wanna run away with someone i love. in a queer way. im tired of being house bound and unable to live my life. unable to live anything that gives me joy. im tired of being poor and im tired of seeing people experience the things ive been wanting to for years. it feels to me like everyone around me is doing things and being happy and im just rotting away in a house...every week my parents checks are only enough for food and bills...only enough for living. when i get a job will i also be stuck in that endless cycle? the cycle of living to work? working to live? id rather die. id genuinely rather die. i dont know how people do it. i dont know what keeps people going.
i wanted to see stop making sense in theaters with my mom sometime this weekend because it was cheaper than usual and i knew she got paid this weekend so i thought we'd be able to and she said we might but then i heard my dad telling her that all he could cover this week was groceries and that he needed her check for the rest of bills and rent. its depressing. i cant live none of us can live. i cant do anything. every time i ask my mom if its possible we could go out and so much as get a fucking coffee and drive around its always maybe but my check has to go towards rent and gas. gas to work. work to live. money for gas that gets you to work for the money for the gas. its fucking sickening. its a disgusting cycle. watching my loved ones live through it makes me want to fucking cull myself. i dont wanna be in that cycle. i dont want to live a life where i cant be happy. why is everyone happier than me. why are people seeing my favorite bands live why are people dancing alone in theaters to my favorite talking heads songs why are people going out with people they love. when will i get that. im 18 surely i will get it soon right. surely i will be allowed joy one day right. i hate waking up starving with my stomach hurting because theres never anything to eat. i hate having to eat just to get rid of pain. i hate that my parents can barely cover dinner on the weekends when the groceries are gone. i hate that my parents always tell me the price of something and it makes me feel guilty because i feel like i shouldnt even be living because im just mkaing it harder for them. im tired of being poor im tired of poverty im tired of my parents telling me we're not poor even though we are. if all we spend money on is living then we are poor. if there are weeks where the only thing to eat are crackers and granola bars then we are poor. im fucking sick of this
i wanted to see stop making sense in theaters with my mom sometime this weekend because it was cheaper than usual and i knew she got paid this weekend so i thought we'd be able to and she said we might but then i heard my dad telling her that all he could cover this week was groceries and that he needed her check for the rest of bills and rent. its depressing. i cant live none of us can live. i cant do anything. every time i ask my mom if its possible we could go out and so much as get a fucking coffee and drive around its always maybe but my check has to go towards rent and gas. gas to work. work to live. money for gas that gets you to work for the money for the gas. its fucking sickening. its a disgusting cycle. watching my loved ones live through it makes me want to fucking cull myself. i dont wanna be in that cycle. i dont want to live a life where i cant be happy. why is everyone happier than me. why are people seeing my favorite bands live why are people dancing alone in theaters to my favorite talking heads songs why are people going out with people they love. when will i get that. im 18 surely i will get it soon right. surely i will be allowed joy one day right. i hate waking up starving with my stomach hurting because theres never anything to eat. i hate having to eat just to get rid of pain. i hate that my parents can barely cover dinner on the weekends when the groceries are gone. i hate that my parents always tell me the price of something and it makes me feel guilty because i feel like i shouldnt even be living because im just mkaing it harder for them. im tired of being poor im tired of poverty im tired of my parents telling me we're not poor even though we are. if all we spend money on is living then we are poor. if there are weeks where the only thing to eat are crackers and granola bars then we are poor. im fucking sick of this
09/20/23........................Crowded Room
watching: seinfeld
eating: papa johns
drinking: brisk lemon tea
listening to: xtc
for the past 18 hours my own mind has been torturing me. most days i can keep my ocd under control at least in the realm of intrusive thoughts, but sometimes i have days of weakness that render me horrified, paranoid, depressed. its hard. even if im on medication i guess theres still bound to be some bad days. im trying my hardest to cope with it, and its a lot less bad than it has been prior. i just hope it doesnt last too long.
i recently reached level 1000 on candy crush, which makes me feel a bit satisfied. unfortunately my phones been getting worse and worse, i can barely use it anymore >_> its so slow and freezes all the time. my mom told me i shouldve gotten a new one the last time they offered a free upgrade, but, >:T i didnt want a new one!!!! but i guess its time to finally get a new one...i just hope its soon rather than later.
ive also been rewatching one piece, my favorite anime of all time. ive been watching it with my best friend in the entire world, its mews first time! and i think its really enjoying it. i know i am!!!!! i first watched one piece when i was 11 in 2016 and its meant the world to me and made a lasting impact on me and my creative ventures ever since... it has its flaws, for sure, but i still find a lot of good in it. usopp is my favorite fictional character literally of all time... ive also been thinking of writing an essay or article about him and putting it on the site. we'll see!
ive also had a new index coded up for like, weeks, a month and a half at least. ive just had no motivation or willingness to finish it... but soon...hopefully soon!!!
im also really looking forward to halloween, cause who isnt? im hoping my halloween is spent eating candy at my computer desk in my halloween costume while watching a vargskelethor stream. i think im going to be a ghostbuster! specifically my favorite, egon:) but we'll see... last year i was my oc, epsilon.
ive also been playing a crapton of everskies. its a dress up game similar to stardoll or gaia, but i think its a lot better than most others similar to it...its completely community made and the economy isnt psychological torture. i really recommend it if you like dress up games, for sure.
i think thats about it from me this time...see ya soon. wish me good tidings!
eating: papa johns
drinking: brisk lemon tea
listening to: xtc
for the past 18 hours my own mind has been torturing me. most days i can keep my ocd under control at least in the realm of intrusive thoughts, but sometimes i have days of weakness that render me horrified, paranoid, depressed. its hard. even if im on medication i guess theres still bound to be some bad days. im trying my hardest to cope with it, and its a lot less bad than it has been prior. i just hope it doesnt last too long.
i recently reached level 1000 on candy crush, which makes me feel a bit satisfied. unfortunately my phones been getting worse and worse, i can barely use it anymore >_> its so slow and freezes all the time. my mom told me i shouldve gotten a new one the last time they offered a free upgrade, but, >:T i didnt want a new one!!!! but i guess its time to finally get a new one...i just hope its soon rather than later.
ive also been rewatching one piece, my favorite anime of all time. ive been watching it with my best friend in the entire world, its mews first time! and i think its really enjoying it. i know i am!!!!! i first watched one piece when i was 11 in 2016 and its meant the world to me and made a lasting impact on me and my creative ventures ever since... it has its flaws, for sure, but i still find a lot of good in it. usopp is my favorite fictional character literally of all time... ive also been thinking of writing an essay or article about him and putting it on the site. we'll see!
ive also had a new index coded up for like, weeks, a month and a half at least. ive just had no motivation or willingness to finish it... but soon...hopefully soon!!!
im also really looking forward to halloween, cause who isnt? im hoping my halloween is spent eating candy at my computer desk in my halloween costume while watching a vargskelethor stream. i think im going to be a ghostbuster! specifically my favorite, egon:) but we'll see... last year i was my oc, epsilon.
ive also been playing a crapton of everskies. its a dress up game similar to stardoll or gaia, but i think its a lot better than most others similar to it...its completely community made and the economy isnt psychological torture. i really recommend it if you like dress up games, for sure.
i think thats about it from me this time...see ya soon. wish me good tidings!
08/22/23.......................Leave it!
listening to: cold island from my singing monsters
its another blog post from me, jackie....august has been quite the month so far. well not particularly but i spoke to some friends i cut off a few years ago and was able to clear the air, which helped a lot i think... other than that ive spent the month rewatching sherlock bbc and playing everskies. and drawing but i always do that. ive also been listening to a lot of music from my childhood which has made me feel really good...understand a lot of things about myself and come to appreciate who i am more, i guess.
in general i actually do think ive come to feel self love more often these past few weeks. i attribute a lot of that to my best friend, or, significant, thing, person, (we're not sure what we are we just love eachother a lot), charlie. it means so much to me and has helped me realize a lot about myself and appreciate it. mew has shown me love beyond any ive experienced before. i feel very fortunate to know someone like it. being its friend has been the best thing i couldve asked for.
i still struggle with self loathing, its a kind of thing that seems to come and go for me. id say the status of my mental health is generally normal for now. well as normal as i can be.
im honestly not sure what else to add...other than that my period has been really weird and i think it is probably the fault of prozac. its kind of making me nervous though and i hope its nothing to worry about 0_0 also i had a REALLY REALLY good taco bell burrito on saturday that changed my whole fucking life. heres the specs if you wanna try it yourself:
beefy crunch burrito
NO rice
grilled
creamy jalapeno sauce
try it... tell em jackie sent ya... (dont do that that would be weird)
its another blog post from me, jackie....august has been quite the month so far. well not particularly but i spoke to some friends i cut off a few years ago and was able to clear the air, which helped a lot i think... other than that ive spent the month rewatching sherlock bbc and playing everskies. and drawing but i always do that. ive also been listening to a lot of music from my childhood which has made me feel really good...understand a lot of things about myself and come to appreciate who i am more, i guess.
in general i actually do think ive come to feel self love more often these past few weeks. i attribute a lot of that to my best friend, or, significant, thing, person, (we're not sure what we are we just love eachother a lot), charlie. it means so much to me and has helped me realize a lot about myself and appreciate it. mew has shown me love beyond any ive experienced before. i feel very fortunate to know someone like it. being its friend has been the best thing i couldve asked for.
i still struggle with self loathing, its a kind of thing that seems to come and go for me. id say the status of my mental health is generally normal for now. well as normal as i can be.
im honestly not sure what else to add...other than that my period has been really weird and i think it is probably the fault of prozac. its kind of making me nervous though and i hope its nothing to worry about 0_0 also i had a REALLY REALLY good taco bell burrito on saturday that changed my whole fucking life. heres the specs if you wanna try it yourself:
beefy crunch burrito
NO rice
grilled
creamy jalapeno sauce
try it... tell em jackie sent ya... (dont do that that would be weird)
06/29/23....Fixing a Hole (Where the rain gets in)
listening to: sgt pepper's lonely hearts club band - the beatles
hows it going? this past month has been pretty tolerable, pretty eventful, overall fun. got into a new artists, watched some stuff. drew a lot of stuff. i mean, thats how it always goes with me but the more things i experience the more "productive" it was. i may be rotting away in a house but i better entertain myself with it or im wasting precious time...
i think the most eventful things to comment on for this month is that i listened to my first beatles album ever (said by no one in the world until this moment), started watching seinfeld, and been really addicted to...candy crush. im turning into my fucking dad! what am i 45? jesus... ive been having a fun time with it all though. the beatles album i listened to was sgt pepper's, and god, i LOVE it! a lot more than i anticipated! last month i listened to another very iconic 60s album, pet sounds. i hated the damn thing. so much. so it made me think i wouldnt really like sgt pepper's either, but boy was i mistaken! shouldve never compared the two. sgt pepper's is the most popular album ever made for a reason. im really really obsessed with it. my favorite track is fixing a hole, god i LOVE it! i have like 50 scrobbles of the damn thing. im so so obsessed with that song, it speaks to me sincerely. it sounds like something andy partridge wouldve written, too, which makes it even more appealing to me as im one of andy's biggest fans. i also really like getting better, the title track and reprise, and little help from my friends. boy, ill tell ya, i LOVE ringos voice! its like a comfy warm blanket, his voice emulates how it feels to fall asleep after a long, exhausting day, on your cold sheets with your warm blanket. wish the guy got more songs, geez... honestly, for awhile i got really scared to attempt even sitting and listening to the beatles because it felt like it was cringy. over the past decade the beatles have been made into this "well actually they were bad and liking them is dumb and cringe" thing. and i kind of get it because like yeah they are literally the biggest fucking band in the entire world, and they all were weirdos at some point, especially john lennon. but the music is good. ive always enjoyed beatles tunes since i was a kid. and not just the music, im really intrigued by the phenomenon of their existence as a whole. the stories associated with this band are fascinating. even the gross and weird ones. like these guys werent just human, they were fucking crazy. and the mere insanity surrounding their fame, like how do you even reach something like that? its just so amazing to me.
but im not gonna keep going on about the beables. like i said, i also started watching seinfeld. id been meaning to do it for a year or so now, and an acquaintance of me really wanted me to. i finally did! i dont regret it. its funny as hell. it has some questionable 90s moments, which is a little disappointing. but it has a lot of really great moments nonetheless. i love george A LOT. hes really cute and i relate with him so so much. im like george costanza if he was a queer 18 year old with hair. i dont care how cringe this is, im going full into this. he just like me fr. im probably gonna put him on my kinlist at some point!
and then theres the candy crush....its like a disease. it gets really really hard at times but honestly i think its really user friendly. ads are rare and when they happen are completely optional. and you dont have to pay to win. its pretty addicting. i dig it! its a fun way to pass the time or tire my brain out before bed. ive fallen asleep playing candy crush so many times since i started playing it, lol. really i am turning into a fucking 45 year old. i turn 18 and suddenly i act like i got a wife and kids. another game ive been playing is goatlings, again. i first got into goatlings last march in 2022, and i took a long break cause the economy was pissing me the HELL OFF!!! it still is. but i went back cuz i missed it and my best friend in the entire world plays it quite often so i wanna get in on that with it, bcs i love mew more than life itself. its been pretty fun, ive been drawing stuff for people in exchange for the games virtual currency. im not a gamer, clearly.
i also got into this insanely obscure and niche artist Wazmo Nariz. a new wave zolo artist from chicago who was only active from '79 to '81. theres only two recordings of him live, and only one music video. you cant even find lyrics to the damn songs! (which is hell considering he sings like someones strangling him). funnily enough i was actually able to get into contact with one of the members via an old facebook page they made for the band, asking him for lyrics. and what do you know, the lyrics are in another goddamn state. just my luck. and he hasnt gotten back to me since. but i hope one day ill get those bizarro lyrics and ill finally know the secrets to wazmo... i loved his debut album on first listen so much that i literally bought it second hand off discogs the NEXT DAY. for 10 bucks! its on my shelf RIGHT now. one day i hope i can get things arent right, his last album, as well. but money is hard to come by for me and i got real lucky that i could make up that 10 bucks.
okay thats it im done here. my fuckin arm hurts
hows it going? this past month has been pretty tolerable, pretty eventful, overall fun. got into a new artists, watched some stuff. drew a lot of stuff. i mean, thats how it always goes with me but the more things i experience the more "productive" it was. i may be rotting away in a house but i better entertain myself with it or im wasting precious time...
i think the most eventful things to comment on for this month is that i listened to my first beatles album ever (said by no one in the world until this moment), started watching seinfeld, and been really addicted to...candy crush. im turning into my fucking dad! what am i 45? jesus... ive been having a fun time with it all though. the beatles album i listened to was sgt pepper's, and god, i LOVE it! a lot more than i anticipated! last month i listened to another very iconic 60s album, pet sounds. i hated the damn thing. so much. so it made me think i wouldnt really like sgt pepper's either, but boy was i mistaken! shouldve never compared the two. sgt pepper's is the most popular album ever made for a reason. im really really obsessed with it. my favorite track is fixing a hole, god i LOVE it! i have like 50 scrobbles of the damn thing. im so so obsessed with that song, it speaks to me sincerely. it sounds like something andy partridge wouldve written, too, which makes it even more appealing to me as im one of andy's biggest fans. i also really like getting better, the title track and reprise, and little help from my friends. boy, ill tell ya, i LOVE ringos voice! its like a comfy warm blanket, his voice emulates how it feels to fall asleep after a long, exhausting day, on your cold sheets with your warm blanket. wish the guy got more songs, geez... honestly, for awhile i got really scared to attempt even sitting and listening to the beatles because it felt like it was cringy. over the past decade the beatles have been made into this "well actually they were bad and liking them is dumb and cringe" thing. and i kind of get it because like yeah they are literally the biggest fucking band in the entire world, and they all were weirdos at some point, especially john lennon. but the music is good. ive always enjoyed beatles tunes since i was a kid. and not just the music, im really intrigued by the phenomenon of their existence as a whole. the stories associated with this band are fascinating. even the gross and weird ones. like these guys werent just human, they were fucking crazy. and the mere insanity surrounding their fame, like how do you even reach something like that? its just so amazing to me.
but im not gonna keep going on about the beables. like i said, i also started watching seinfeld. id been meaning to do it for a year or so now, and an acquaintance of me really wanted me to. i finally did! i dont regret it. its funny as hell. it has some questionable 90s moments, which is a little disappointing. but it has a lot of really great moments nonetheless. i love george A LOT. hes really cute and i relate with him so so much. im like george costanza if he was a queer 18 year old with hair. i dont care how cringe this is, im going full into this. he just like me fr. im probably gonna put him on my kinlist at some point!
and then theres the candy crush....its like a disease. it gets really really hard at times but honestly i think its really user friendly. ads are rare and when they happen are completely optional. and you dont have to pay to win. its pretty addicting. i dig it! its a fun way to pass the time or tire my brain out before bed. ive fallen asleep playing candy crush so many times since i started playing it, lol. really i am turning into a fucking 45 year old. i turn 18 and suddenly i act like i got a wife and kids. another game ive been playing is goatlings, again. i first got into goatlings last march in 2022, and i took a long break cause the economy was pissing me the HELL OFF!!! it still is. but i went back cuz i missed it and my best friend in the entire world plays it quite often so i wanna get in on that with it, bcs i love mew more than life itself. its been pretty fun, ive been drawing stuff for people in exchange for the games virtual currency. im not a gamer, clearly.
i also got into this insanely obscure and niche artist Wazmo Nariz. a new wave zolo artist from chicago who was only active from '79 to '81. theres only two recordings of him live, and only one music video. you cant even find lyrics to the damn songs! (which is hell considering he sings like someones strangling him). funnily enough i was actually able to get into contact with one of the members via an old facebook page they made for the band, asking him for lyrics. and what do you know, the lyrics are in another goddamn state. just my luck. and he hasnt gotten back to me since. but i hope one day ill get those bizarro lyrics and ill finally know the secrets to wazmo... i loved his debut album on first listen so much that i literally bought it second hand off discogs the NEXT DAY. for 10 bucks! its on my shelf RIGHT now. one day i hope i can get things arent right, his last album, as well. but money is hard to come by for me and i got real lucky that i could make up that 10 bucks.
okay thats it im done here. my fuckin arm hurts
06/18/23...................Fancy Pants Manifesto
listening to: hip to the javabean - lemon demon
my brain is constantly conspiring against me. a lot of people can relate with that, and its a very vague statement so it can cover a lot of situations. for me, i dont know what the hells wrong with me. i do so many weird things. weird negative things. i think so many weird negative things. i assume a lot of its ocd especially bcs my mom has ocd and shes like yeah you have ocd. but its like, some of this stuff, including the main thing im here to talk about, i dont think is ocd.
basically, i have this annoying and irritating problem where i get competitive, pedantic, jealous, insecure, and defensive, when other people like what i like. specifically big interests, like things i like MOST. both strangers and friends will irritate me if they like what i like. but this is such a specific feeling. its only people who are in my age range who i think are "like me" or "similar" to me. or sometimes, if i already view you as above me i wont really be as bothered or care. (because in my mind you're already the biggest fan of that thing and i cant just replace you.)
this is something i like to call "real fan syndrome" where i convince myself im the better and best fan of everything i like and when people do things that make me insecure of that title i get horribly upset and have the urge to defend my title. i dont actually take it out on people, not really anymore. i think i mightve done it a lot more when i was younger without realizing what was happening. but even if i dont actually do it, i still get irrationally upset. and i obviously dont fucking want to be upset over something so trivial and so stupid that literally cannot be helped or fixed. its literally all in my head. ive had some very nice friends of mine compensate, saying they'll post about the things i like less or tag things for me. im very fortunate that theres people in my life who are considerate of my childish and absurd feelings and ideas about myself.
this problem gets especially debilitating when things i like and consider "my things" get big. ESPECIALLY especially when i got into them before they got big or recognizable at all. (literally, i first heard lemon demon before everyone Now did. im serious. i heard spirit phone a few months after release.) dont even fucking get me started on my insanity towards tally hall, which is an entire journal entry in of itself. (in my head, im still the number one tally hall fan and i know better than everyone about it. yes even you. someone please help me)
thankfully im not as weird about things that were always popular, like fucking star trek xd this weird brain thing at least is able to differ from things that have like billions of fans. but if anything is even slightly obscure or niche and it suddenly gets big ill flip out. if youre reading this thinking "oh no, i like something this person likes, did they get mad at me by reading my site/talking to me?" i probably did! to tell you the complete truth, i probably did! no its not your fault. obviously not...theres something gravely wrong with me. i would never take it out on you and im sorry if i hurt you, the reader, in the past because of my weirdo behaviors.
anyways i just want it to go away. i dont know how long ive been dealing with this. i wanna say it started in 2019, but it couldve been 2018 too (the year my best friend saw they might be giants twice, and i didnt get to at all. it scarred me. genuinely.) i dont know. this would all be a hell of a lot easier if i had a goddamn therapist. but you know...im not allowed earthly conveniences.
my brain is constantly conspiring against me. a lot of people can relate with that, and its a very vague statement so it can cover a lot of situations. for me, i dont know what the hells wrong with me. i do so many weird things. weird negative things. i think so many weird negative things. i assume a lot of its ocd especially bcs my mom has ocd and shes like yeah you have ocd. but its like, some of this stuff, including the main thing im here to talk about, i dont think is ocd.
basically, i have this annoying and irritating problem where i get competitive, pedantic, jealous, insecure, and defensive, when other people like what i like. specifically big interests, like things i like MOST. both strangers and friends will irritate me if they like what i like. but this is such a specific feeling. its only people who are in my age range who i think are "like me" or "similar" to me. or sometimes, if i already view you as above me i wont really be as bothered or care. (because in my mind you're already the biggest fan of that thing and i cant just replace you.)
this is something i like to call "real fan syndrome" where i convince myself im the better and best fan of everything i like and when people do things that make me insecure of that title i get horribly upset and have the urge to defend my title. i dont actually take it out on people, not really anymore. i think i mightve done it a lot more when i was younger without realizing what was happening. but even if i dont actually do it, i still get irrationally upset. and i obviously dont fucking want to be upset over something so trivial and so stupid that literally cannot be helped or fixed. its literally all in my head. ive had some very nice friends of mine compensate, saying they'll post about the things i like less or tag things for me. im very fortunate that theres people in my life who are considerate of my childish and absurd feelings and ideas about myself.
this problem gets especially debilitating when things i like and consider "my things" get big. ESPECIALLY especially when i got into them before they got big or recognizable at all. (literally, i first heard lemon demon before everyone Now did. im serious. i heard spirit phone a few months after release.) dont even fucking get me started on my insanity towards tally hall, which is an entire journal entry in of itself. (in my head, im still the number one tally hall fan and i know better than everyone about it. yes even you. someone please help me)
thankfully im not as weird about things that were always popular, like fucking star trek xd this weird brain thing at least is able to differ from things that have like billions of fans. but if anything is even slightly obscure or niche and it suddenly gets big ill flip out. if youre reading this thinking "oh no, i like something this person likes, did they get mad at me by reading my site/talking to me?" i probably did! to tell you the complete truth, i probably did! no its not your fault. obviously not...theres something gravely wrong with me. i would never take it out on you and im sorry if i hurt you, the reader, in the past because of my weirdo behaviors.
anyways i just want it to go away. i dont know how long ive been dealing with this. i wanna say it started in 2019, but it couldve been 2018 too (the year my best friend saw they might be giants twice, and i didnt get to at all. it scarred me. genuinely.) i dont know. this would all be a hell of a lot easier if i had a goddamn therapist. but you know...im not allowed earthly conveniences.
06/01/23.................Bleeds For You and Me
listening to: xtc
its pride month! i thought id come on here and write some sort of prideful plea. about me and my degrees of lgbtq ness and my relationship with not being cishet! so much fun! isnt that exciting!
my earliest examples of being lgbtq goes as far back as like, 9 years old. there were girls i met online back when i still thought i was a girl that i had crushes on. but i didnt really care about sexuality nor did i think about it, i didnt take love or dating in general seriously because i was...9....so i kind of shrugged it off. by the time i was 10-11, i considered myself straight. but at some point, id say late october 2016 early 2017, i identified as....a guy. but i didnt call this trans. i knew who trans people were! but i didnt call myself trans, i was just a guy. i didnt really think much about it, looking back on it i think thats because i was too scared to realize why i was doing that. (i had been doing it because a guy i met online traumatized me so much to the point where i was disgusted by femininity. thats why.) another guy, who i had known since i was 9, became my closest friend in about early 2017. i was so utterly in love with him that i stopped being a guy (not trans, apparently) because i wanted him to love me. (he was straight) we never got together like i wanted to, we shouldnt have anyways i was far too young. but for awhile, i stopped the "im a guy" thing. it only lasted for a few months. i spent the rest of 2017, and the majority of 2018 as a girl. telling everyone i was a straight girl who loved men, and i was pretty comfortable with it. i had no problem with being cishet.
until, one fateful day in late 2018, i had taken a selfie. and i looked at it and the first thing i thought was, "i look like a boy here." and "i wonder if other people could look at this and think, thats a boy." and i realized i liked that hypothetical. a great deal! the idea of someone seeing me as a boy, mistaking me for one. it filled me with a rush of euphoria, excitement. at this time, my best friend in the whole world was identifying as a trans man at the time (theyre now agender, hi alex!) so i guess i was pretty lucky, i immediately sought his advice. alex helped me realize this was probably what i wanted. i had learned much more about trans people since i was 11, i was 13 now and only a few months from 14 and i was ready to actually face this. my new identity. i came out as trans, first declaring myself as kennedy, or, ken. this was a shorthand of my deadname. i later ditched it in mid 2019 for jimmy, which i still go by today alongside other names!
for awhile, it was simple. i was jimmy, i was a he. i was gay, i loved boys. it was pretty cool for awhile. and then, in early 2021, everything started to shift. for the first time in 2 years, i was beginning to feel different about sexuality and gender. it was weird, and almost scary. i had developed a crush on a girl i had met, joann, and after pining for her i asked her out. she was my first girlfriend. im still friends with her today! i was completely in love with joann, but inevitably we broke up due to me not being fit for relationships in general. but xe helped me realize something that i thought wouldve never came true, i was bisexual. throughout this time in my life, i had been having dreams about women. thinking about women. it was bizarre as i had never thought about women like this before. i became bisexual, i guess...honestly, im still not sure about it. but ive learned so much more about bisexual identity and the experience of it since then, and i feel decently comfortable with the label.
around the same time i met joann, i realized i was most likely nonbinary. this was a lot less nerve wracking because i had a feeling it would inevitably encroach upon me. for awhile i avoided it mostly because i hated they/them pronouns for me, i never liked how they felt for me. and i knew people would try to use them for me if i had came out as nonbinary. but i finally bit the bullet, i realized i still liked she/her pronouns after all this time and used them along he/him shortly after i came out as nonbinary. in early 2021, suddenly i wasnt just a gay guy anymore. i was something far more complicated to me. but it felt good, being so complicated. before i was just simple, so straight to the point. i hadnt realized how unhappy i was with that until i came out as nonbinary. now i have a delightfully and comfortably complex relationship with gender, and with sexuality. and im happy as hell about it. im whatever the hell i want to be, whatever i need to be, and its nobody elses business. im a dude with tits. im a lady with facial hair. im a really sexy guy with a fat ass for some reason and it fucking rules.
somewhere in early 2021 i first heard the song "have you seen jackie?" by the dukes of stratosphear, the alias and side project of my favorite band of all time, xtc. heres an excerpt of the lyrics to "have you seen jackie?"
Hey, leave Jackie alone
Hey, his mind is all blown
Hey, she's not on the phone at all these days
Leave Jackie alone
Jackie couldn't decide if he was a girl
Or if she was a boy
Have you seen Jackie?
it was when i heard this song, written so eloquently by andy partridge, that i realized who i was. this song captured exactly how i had felt about my gender this whole time. this was when i became jackie. its why im jackie now. im jackie. this song is who i am, inside and out! im trying not to cry over how happy this song makes me, even now. when i hear it come on shuffle, i smile. when i hear it come on in the shower, or in the car, i smile. its me, im jackie. i could write an entire thing solely on my intimate relationship with this song. it means so much to me, its who i am.
being lgbt has been one of the best things to have happened to me, the thing about me that i was the happiest to do. to fundamentally change. it was the first time i really felt sure about something i wanted to do for myself. when i came out to my mom in early 2019, i bawled my eyes out to her. i was so scared. but i knew that this was going to be who i was forever, and my mom had to know and accept it or i would be lost. she accepted me, and so did the rest of my family. none of them really care, but im still very grateful i didnt get kicked out.
with the current climate of the us right now, and the current consensus on lgbt identities, its really scary to be lgbt right now. to be trans. i got my hair cut recently, and im scared to go out in public with boobs and short hair. thats how bad it is. but im so proud of who i am, so happy with who i am, so euphoric at who ive become. i cant stop. i cant let go. i love being queer. i love being bisexual. i love being nonbinary. i love being who i am. no one will take that from me. not ever.
its pride month! i thought id come on here and write some sort of prideful plea. about me and my degrees of lgbtq ness and my relationship with not being cishet! so much fun! isnt that exciting!
my earliest examples of being lgbtq goes as far back as like, 9 years old. there were girls i met online back when i still thought i was a girl that i had crushes on. but i didnt really care about sexuality nor did i think about it, i didnt take love or dating in general seriously because i was...9....so i kind of shrugged it off. by the time i was 10-11, i considered myself straight. but at some point, id say late october 2016 early 2017, i identified as....a guy. but i didnt call this trans. i knew who trans people were! but i didnt call myself trans, i was just a guy. i didnt really think much about it, looking back on it i think thats because i was too scared to realize why i was doing that. (i had been doing it because a guy i met online traumatized me so much to the point where i was disgusted by femininity. thats why.) another guy, who i had known since i was 9, became my closest friend in about early 2017. i was so utterly in love with him that i stopped being a guy (not trans, apparently) because i wanted him to love me. (he was straight) we never got together like i wanted to, we shouldnt have anyways i was far too young. but for awhile, i stopped the "im a guy" thing. it only lasted for a few months. i spent the rest of 2017, and the majority of 2018 as a girl. telling everyone i was a straight girl who loved men, and i was pretty comfortable with it. i had no problem with being cishet.
until, one fateful day in late 2018, i had taken a selfie. and i looked at it and the first thing i thought was, "i look like a boy here." and "i wonder if other people could look at this and think, thats a boy." and i realized i liked that hypothetical. a great deal! the idea of someone seeing me as a boy, mistaking me for one. it filled me with a rush of euphoria, excitement. at this time, my best friend in the whole world was identifying as a trans man at the time (theyre now agender, hi alex!) so i guess i was pretty lucky, i immediately sought his advice. alex helped me realize this was probably what i wanted. i had learned much more about trans people since i was 11, i was 13 now and only a few months from 14 and i was ready to actually face this. my new identity. i came out as trans, first declaring myself as kennedy, or, ken. this was a shorthand of my deadname. i later ditched it in mid 2019 for jimmy, which i still go by today alongside other names!
for awhile, it was simple. i was jimmy, i was a he. i was gay, i loved boys. it was pretty cool for awhile. and then, in early 2021, everything started to shift. for the first time in 2 years, i was beginning to feel different about sexuality and gender. it was weird, and almost scary. i had developed a crush on a girl i had met, joann, and after pining for her i asked her out. she was my first girlfriend. im still friends with her today! i was completely in love with joann, but inevitably we broke up due to me not being fit for relationships in general. but xe helped me realize something that i thought wouldve never came true, i was bisexual. throughout this time in my life, i had been having dreams about women. thinking about women. it was bizarre as i had never thought about women like this before. i became bisexual, i guess...honestly, im still not sure about it. but ive learned so much more about bisexual identity and the experience of it since then, and i feel decently comfortable with the label.
around the same time i met joann, i realized i was most likely nonbinary. this was a lot less nerve wracking because i had a feeling it would inevitably encroach upon me. for awhile i avoided it mostly because i hated they/them pronouns for me, i never liked how they felt for me. and i knew people would try to use them for me if i had came out as nonbinary. but i finally bit the bullet, i realized i still liked she/her pronouns after all this time and used them along he/him shortly after i came out as nonbinary. in early 2021, suddenly i wasnt just a gay guy anymore. i was something far more complicated to me. but it felt good, being so complicated. before i was just simple, so straight to the point. i hadnt realized how unhappy i was with that until i came out as nonbinary. now i have a delightfully and comfortably complex relationship with gender, and with sexuality. and im happy as hell about it. im whatever the hell i want to be, whatever i need to be, and its nobody elses business. im a dude with tits. im a lady with facial hair. im a really sexy guy with a fat ass for some reason and it fucking rules.
somewhere in early 2021 i first heard the song "have you seen jackie?" by the dukes of stratosphear, the alias and side project of my favorite band of all time, xtc. heres an excerpt of the lyrics to "have you seen jackie?"
Hey, leave Jackie alone
Hey, his mind is all blown
Hey, she's not on the phone at all these days
Leave Jackie alone
Jackie couldn't decide if he was a girl
Or if she was a boy
Have you seen Jackie?
it was when i heard this song, written so eloquently by andy partridge, that i realized who i was. this song captured exactly how i had felt about my gender this whole time. this was when i became jackie. its why im jackie now. im jackie. this song is who i am, inside and out! im trying not to cry over how happy this song makes me, even now. when i hear it come on shuffle, i smile. when i hear it come on in the shower, or in the car, i smile. its me, im jackie. i could write an entire thing solely on my intimate relationship with this song. it means so much to me, its who i am.
being lgbt has been one of the best things to have happened to me, the thing about me that i was the happiest to do. to fundamentally change. it was the first time i really felt sure about something i wanted to do for myself. when i came out to my mom in early 2019, i bawled my eyes out to her. i was so scared. but i knew that this was going to be who i was forever, and my mom had to know and accept it or i would be lost. she accepted me, and so did the rest of my family. none of them really care, but im still very grateful i didnt get kicked out.
with the current climate of the us right now, and the current consensus on lgbt identities, its really scary to be lgbt right now. to be trans. i got my hair cut recently, and im scared to go out in public with boobs and short hair. thats how bad it is. but im so proud of who i am, so happy with who i am, so euphoric at who ive become. i cant stop. i cant let go. i love being queer. i love being bisexual. i love being nonbinary. i love being who i am. no one will take that from me. not ever.
05/23/23...................Shoehorn with Teeth
drinking: coffee
a new blog post. from me! im going to be complaining and im gonna be #controversial (not about anything bad. im a chill person. actually im gonna be complaining BECAUSE im such a chill person) anyways. i dont give a shit about ppl who use neocities as a carrd! i literally dont care. i dont know why some people take such great offense to it! big deal! theres not explicit rules entailing what you have to use neocities for, are there? maybe i missed something. anyways, you gotta understand not everyone is in the interest of keeping an active fully fledged website. hell, i love this hobby but i only pick it back up every now and then when i feel like it! my site is still in its extreme infancy! if someone just wants to use neocities to introduce themselves in a cool fashion with cool looking designs so be it. i mean yeah, if theyre outright stealing their page content from artists or hot linking or something, that can be troublesome. but the inherent action of using neocities to introduce yourself on other platforms is not evil or annoying to me like i dont. care. there are so many things people seem to care just Too much about in general. and it kind of ....i dont know its not like it bothers me i just wish people would chill out sometimes. ask themselves how much they truly care about this and if theyre just being angry for the sake of being angry. i had several carrds before i made my neocities. i loved making my carrd! its a fun activity, its a lot easier than coding and a lot more accessible to those who dont want to learn it. and thats another thing, people who treat knowing html+css like some sort of cool kids club upset me!!! like damn man not everyone has the willingness or the patience to learn that shit! a lot of my friends have gone on record to say they want a site but no matter how many times they try to learn html+css they just cant. hell i barely know the half about it, i just know basic enough stuff to make cool colorful boxes. basically bottom line is if someone is doing something completely innocent and not harmful why do you care...i guess you can be annoyed yeah but dont be so venomous about it geezz!!! and also dont make fun of others for not knowing a skill you know. thats mean! i suck shit balls at math, if someone made fun of me bcs they know math and i dont, i would try to kill them or something. okay, love you hugs and kisses bye.
a new blog post. from me! im going to be complaining and im gonna be #controversial (not about anything bad. im a chill person. actually im gonna be complaining BECAUSE im such a chill person) anyways. i dont give a shit about ppl who use neocities as a carrd! i literally dont care. i dont know why some people take such great offense to it! big deal! theres not explicit rules entailing what you have to use neocities for, are there? maybe i missed something. anyways, you gotta understand not everyone is in the interest of keeping an active fully fledged website. hell, i love this hobby but i only pick it back up every now and then when i feel like it! my site is still in its extreme infancy! if someone just wants to use neocities to introduce themselves in a cool fashion with cool looking designs so be it. i mean yeah, if theyre outright stealing their page content from artists or hot linking or something, that can be troublesome. but the inherent action of using neocities to introduce yourself on other platforms is not evil or annoying to me like i dont. care. there are so many things people seem to care just Too much about in general. and it kind of ....i dont know its not like it bothers me i just wish people would chill out sometimes. ask themselves how much they truly care about this and if theyre just being angry for the sake of being angry. i had several carrds before i made my neocities. i loved making my carrd! its a fun activity, its a lot easier than coding and a lot more accessible to those who dont want to learn it. and thats another thing, people who treat knowing html+css like some sort of cool kids club upset me!!! like damn man not everyone has the willingness or the patience to learn that shit! a lot of my friends have gone on record to say they want a site but no matter how many times they try to learn html+css they just cant. hell i barely know the half about it, i just know basic enough stuff to make cool colorful boxes. basically bottom line is if someone is doing something completely innocent and not harmful why do you care...i guess you can be annoyed yeah but dont be so venomous about it geezz!!! and also dont make fun of others for not knowing a skill you know. thats mean! i suck shit balls at math, if someone made fun of me bcs they know math and i dont, i would try to kill them or something. okay, love you hugs and kisses bye.
02/27/23.......................The Bloodmobile
songs listened to while writing this:
margaret freeman - the residents
katherine hepburn - sparks
gone daddy gone - violent femmes
well, its been awhile. we're 2 months into 2023 and it has been a rough one. ive gotten sick twice this year already, and had my fair share of depressive episodes. which ive been put on medication for recently. yes, im medicated now! mostly for anxiety and depression. still no adhd meds or anything, im waiting to get scheduled with a therapist hopefully at some point. i finally got my first round of covid shot, which was so relieving. my family have been arguing with me about it since they became available and for awhile i thought id never get one, until i finally got to see a doctor which i was trying to do for 2 years now. unfortunately my follow up appointment, which was meant for today, had to be rescheduled. which is very frustrating. i am hoping i get to go again very soon.
hopefully i havent put too much of my info on blast just now, getting that covid shot and getting medicated was just very important to me and im very happy about it. though, im feeling significant depression today, which is unexpected considering ive been taking my medication for a week now. but i guess it cant fix all of my problems.
i just got over a gnarly sinus infection, which i still have some leftover mucus lingering from. i had something that felt like the flu last month, which was torturous. i had post nasal drip in november last year as well. im not sure why i keep experiencing this, i can only hope it stops here. this was another reason why i was hoping to see my doctor, because anybody in their right mind would see a doctor after getting sick 3 times in a row.
anyways, aside from my health issues ive also been rewatching star trek, my favorite thing in the whole world (aside from xtc, of course.) i finished tos and its movies earlier this month and now im going through tng. my love for tos was aggressively rekindled and i was reminded of how much i adore leonard mccoy. hes my favorite star trek character ever aside from q and he means so so much to me...i relate with him a lot and im kin with him (you can find him on my about section!) i also watched two of the last tos movies which i didnt watch before cause a friend told me to skip them. i can see why they told me to now but i still had a good time with them, even if they were a little stupid.
ive also been trying to keep myself a stricter sleeping schedule, sleeping at 10:30-11pm every night to be sure that i take my meds at the right times every morning instead of forgetting like i always do. i also take medication for my asthma, and when i forget i can get pretty bad in condition. ive still not gotten better at brushing my teeth, though. little steps i guess...
hopefully i get to have some mcdonalds at the end of this week.....ttyl
margaret freeman - the residents
katherine hepburn - sparks
gone daddy gone - violent femmes
well, its been awhile. we're 2 months into 2023 and it has been a rough one. ive gotten sick twice this year already, and had my fair share of depressive episodes. which ive been put on medication for recently. yes, im medicated now! mostly for anxiety and depression. still no adhd meds or anything, im waiting to get scheduled with a therapist hopefully at some point. i finally got my first round of covid shot, which was so relieving. my family have been arguing with me about it since they became available and for awhile i thought id never get one, until i finally got to see a doctor which i was trying to do for 2 years now. unfortunately my follow up appointment, which was meant for today, had to be rescheduled. which is very frustrating. i am hoping i get to go again very soon.
hopefully i havent put too much of my info on blast just now, getting that covid shot and getting medicated was just very important to me and im very happy about it. though, im feeling significant depression today, which is unexpected considering ive been taking my medication for a week now. but i guess it cant fix all of my problems.
i just got over a gnarly sinus infection, which i still have some leftover mucus lingering from. i had something that felt like the flu last month, which was torturous. i had post nasal drip in november last year as well. im not sure why i keep experiencing this, i can only hope it stops here. this was another reason why i was hoping to see my doctor, because anybody in their right mind would see a doctor after getting sick 3 times in a row.
anyways, aside from my health issues ive also been rewatching star trek, my favorite thing in the whole world (aside from xtc, of course.) i finished tos and its movies earlier this month and now im going through tng. my love for tos was aggressively rekindled and i was reminded of how much i adore leonard mccoy. hes my favorite star trek character ever aside from q and he means so so much to me...i relate with him a lot and im kin with him (you can find him on my about section!) i also watched two of the last tos movies which i didnt watch before cause a friend told me to skip them. i can see why they told me to now but i still had a good time with them, even if they were a little stupid.
ive also been trying to keep myself a stricter sleeping schedule, sleeping at 10:30-11pm every night to be sure that i take my meds at the right times every morning instead of forgetting like i always do. i also take medication for my asthma, and when i forget i can get pretty bad in condition. ive still not gotten better at brushing my teeth, though. little steps i guess...
hopefully i get to have some mcdonalds at the end of this week.....ttyl
01/09/23.....................I Am The Audience!
listening to: XTC
a new blog post! to distract me and also because im bored and sitting up and drawing hurts. i found out i had a belly button infection earlier today, its freaking me out a little bit only because im afraid its a cyst and im too scared to google if thats true. also, i recently finished a short story about my ocs. im proud of it only because i rarely ever finish stories i write or put much effort into them. hopefully moving forward, i can start improving on my literature skills :). the curse of being a visual artist that makes ocs is that if you want those ocs to be developed, you gotta learn to be a good writer, lol. im not sure if ill upload the story here. we'll see.
EVERYTHING in my house is broken right now. oven has issues, still useable thankfully. coffee pot broke completely, which is terrible because i have a caffiene addiction. the washer's door sensor has been broken and none of my family members have had time to fix it. oh, and the shower head broke. AND the bathroom light keeps flickering. we also have a hole in the ceiling but thats been there for like a year or two now. this place needs condemned, but we're poor AND in a housing crisis right now. so we cant do much, lol. now you know why christmas SUCKED!
nonetheless, im still hoping me and my mom can find the time to go out and get starbucks at the VERY LEAST sometime at the end of the month, when she next gets paid. im longing to add a new xtc record to my collection, thankfully my very generous friend bought me a single ive been wanting for awhile. but i really want to add something that will get me closer to finishing my studio collection of theirs. all i need is white music, drums and wires, mummer, and the 2 lp of english settlement. i have the 1lp bcs i bought it on accident without paying attention to its release. yes, i pay extra attention now.
i AM thankful to say that my recent general record collection additions have been very satisfactory. one of my friends gifted me in 3-d and another gifted me boi-ngo. two of some of my fave albums! im fortunate that as a poor person, i have generous friends with good incomes. hopefully once tax season rolls around, i can buy MYSELF some records (with my moms money lol)
okay, thats all for now. pray my belly button infection goes away quickly and that it WONT be painful like im paranoid of. byeeeeeeee
a new blog post! to distract me and also because im bored and sitting up and drawing hurts. i found out i had a belly button infection earlier today, its freaking me out a little bit only because im afraid its a cyst and im too scared to google if thats true. also, i recently finished a short story about my ocs. im proud of it only because i rarely ever finish stories i write or put much effort into them. hopefully moving forward, i can start improving on my literature skills :). the curse of being a visual artist that makes ocs is that if you want those ocs to be developed, you gotta learn to be a good writer, lol. im not sure if ill upload the story here. we'll see.
EVERYTHING in my house is broken right now. oven has issues, still useable thankfully. coffee pot broke completely, which is terrible because i have a caffiene addiction. the washer's door sensor has been broken and none of my family members have had time to fix it. oh, and the shower head broke. AND the bathroom light keeps flickering. we also have a hole in the ceiling but thats been there for like a year or two now. this place needs condemned, but we're poor AND in a housing crisis right now. so we cant do much, lol. now you know why christmas SUCKED!
nonetheless, im still hoping me and my mom can find the time to go out and get starbucks at the VERY LEAST sometime at the end of the month, when she next gets paid. im longing to add a new xtc record to my collection, thankfully my very generous friend bought me a single ive been wanting for awhile. but i really want to add something that will get me closer to finishing my studio collection of theirs. all i need is white music, drums and wires, mummer, and the 2 lp of english settlement. i have the 1lp bcs i bought it on accident without paying attention to its release. yes, i pay extra attention now.
i AM thankful to say that my recent general record collection additions have been very satisfactory. one of my friends gifted me in 3-d and another gifted me boi-ngo. two of some of my fave albums! im fortunate that as a poor person, i have generous friends with good incomes. hopefully once tax season rolls around, i can buy MYSELF some records (with my moms money lol)
okay, thats all for now. pray my belly button infection goes away quickly and that it WONT be painful like im paranoid of. byeeeeeeee
12/31/22..................Smells Like Nirvana
listening to: weird al
its new years eve! tomorrow is 2023 and i hope and pray it gets easier (it probably wont.)
earlier this month was my birthday, i mentioned it a few times in past entries. i turned 18, which is kind of horrifying but im dealing with it i guess. im just scared 2023 is going to be the most stressful year of my life. or maybe it'll be the most depressing. maybe both! oh boy!
i got a brand new laptop for my birthday, so ive been having "laptop" days and "desktop" days. right now im typing this on desktop. its convenient having a laptop now as someone who gets fatigued easily and sometimes sitting at my desk is an uphill battle. now i can lay in bed and watch weird al videos until i get tired! oh boy!
other than those things ive just been depressed again. depressed and angry. honestly, what else is new...christmas was disappointing but i guess i should get used to it.
honestly, the majority of my time has been focused on weird al. since the start of this month hes really all ive been paying any attention to because im hyperfixating on him. hes the only thing that makes me feel literally any positive emotion. im listening to his albums in chronological order and when im not doing anything else im probably watching a playlist of videos hes in lol. in fact, im listening to him as i type this!
on a brief sidenote, you know, i hate using the word hyperfixation now. not because of the neurodivergent community itself but the way ppl within it like, seem to have stigmatized the usage of the word. i feel like im LYING when i use it now, like im being dramatic or something. as if hypefixations havent been a very real experience that has influenced my life for as long as i can remember??? i fall into unbelievably deep depressive episodes when i dont have one, which is why this year has been so hellish, because i havent had many or many that lasted very long. but whatever i just need to keep using the words i know describe my real experiences and ignore anybody being annoying online.
well, i hope you all have a good new years eve, a good new years day, and a great 2023. good luck everyone.
its new years eve! tomorrow is 2023 and i hope and pray it gets easier (it probably wont.)
earlier this month was my birthday, i mentioned it a few times in past entries. i turned 18, which is kind of horrifying but im dealing with it i guess. im just scared 2023 is going to be the most stressful year of my life. or maybe it'll be the most depressing. maybe both! oh boy!
i got a brand new laptop for my birthday, so ive been having "laptop" days and "desktop" days. right now im typing this on desktop. its convenient having a laptop now as someone who gets fatigued easily and sometimes sitting at my desk is an uphill battle. now i can lay in bed and watch weird al videos until i get tired! oh boy!
other than those things ive just been depressed again. depressed and angry. honestly, what else is new...christmas was disappointing but i guess i should get used to it.
honestly, the majority of my time has been focused on weird al. since the start of this month hes really all ive been paying any attention to because im hyperfixating on him. hes the only thing that makes me feel literally any positive emotion. im listening to his albums in chronological order and when im not doing anything else im probably watching a playlist of videos hes in lol. in fact, im listening to him as i type this!
on a brief sidenote, you know, i hate using the word hyperfixation now. not because of the neurodivergent community itself but the way ppl within it like, seem to have stigmatized the usage of the word. i feel like im LYING when i use it now, like im being dramatic or something. as if hypefixations havent been a very real experience that has influenced my life for as long as i can remember??? i fall into unbelievably deep depressive episodes when i dont have one, which is why this year has been so hellish, because i havent had many or many that lasted very long. but whatever i just need to keep using the words i know describe my real experiences and ignore anybody being annoying online.
well, i hope you all have a good new years eve, a good new years day, and a great 2023. good luck everyone.
12/08/22.................All About a Feeling
listening to: in 3-d by weird al
november is over, and it was a good month. nothing significant changed, but it was still good. i watched a lot of movies that month, a lot of which changed my life! i watched one of my now favorite movies of all time, barton fink.
i knew from the start i was watching all of these movies as a form of escapism, and it helped a lot. it kept my mind off things, distracted me and made me feel less lonely. but it kind of wore off recently and now i feel like im back at square one. im not done watching movies, far from it, but i am taking a break right now.
my birthday is a week from now, and im having a difficult time looking forward to it. last year, i cried on my birthday. i talked about it in a previous blog post, but im also turning 18. which of course, is a very scary age...for most. im just stressed. im lonely, scared, apathetic. im depressed. its sad, because i love december. i dont usually get seasonal depression, or holiday depression, things are just bad because my life just gets worse.
i dont have anything going on, i broke up with my boyfriend recently. im unbelievably lonely, i dont talk to anyone anymore and nothing feels good. i dont go outside, i dont have a job, i dont have anything to do all day. im art blocked now too, and when im art blocked i remember very quickly that i have nothing to do all day. im essentially worthless without art. all i have is this fucking computer and myself. its frustrating. all i can do is just wait and hope for a miracle all the time.
i havent had a real hyperfixation in a really long time and everythings felt so boring and exhausting, my enthusiasm for things doesnt last long and apathy sets in really quickly now.
they might be giants, one of my favorite bands of all time, announced a show in my city. i wont go into it, but i have a nightmarish history of trying to see bands live, especially tmbg. so seeing them come to my city was like a miracle. it felt like i was getting my miracle. and then, so suddenly, the tickets sold out before my mom could buy them. honestly, i was going to try to find resellers for them but i just have no energy to. i dont care anymore. i dont want to do anything. i have no hope. i just dont think its worth trying for these things anymore.
i hope my birthday goes well. i hope those reading this have a good holiday season.
november is over, and it was a good month. nothing significant changed, but it was still good. i watched a lot of movies that month, a lot of which changed my life! i watched one of my now favorite movies of all time, barton fink.
i knew from the start i was watching all of these movies as a form of escapism, and it helped a lot. it kept my mind off things, distracted me and made me feel less lonely. but it kind of wore off recently and now i feel like im back at square one. im not done watching movies, far from it, but i am taking a break right now.
my birthday is a week from now, and im having a difficult time looking forward to it. last year, i cried on my birthday. i talked about it in a previous blog post, but im also turning 18. which of course, is a very scary age...for most. im just stressed. im lonely, scared, apathetic. im depressed. its sad, because i love december. i dont usually get seasonal depression, or holiday depression, things are just bad because my life just gets worse.
i dont have anything going on, i broke up with my boyfriend recently. im unbelievably lonely, i dont talk to anyone anymore and nothing feels good. i dont go outside, i dont have a job, i dont have anything to do all day. im art blocked now too, and when im art blocked i remember very quickly that i have nothing to do all day. im essentially worthless without art. all i have is this fucking computer and myself. its frustrating. all i can do is just wait and hope for a miracle all the time.
i havent had a real hyperfixation in a really long time and everythings felt so boring and exhausting, my enthusiasm for things doesnt last long and apathy sets in really quickly now.
they might be giants, one of my favorite bands of all time, announced a show in my city. i wont go into it, but i have a nightmarish history of trying to see bands live, especially tmbg. so seeing them come to my city was like a miracle. it felt like i was getting my miracle. and then, so suddenly, the tickets sold out before my mom could buy them. honestly, i was going to try to find resellers for them but i just have no energy to. i dont care anymore. i dont want to do anything. i have no hope. i just dont think its worth trying for these things anymore.
i hope my birthday goes well. i hope those reading this have a good holiday season.
11/03/22........................Web Heritage
listening to: sat in your lap by kate bush
in the midst of everything happening on corporate social media right now, and people finding alternatives, i think its worth typing this up
it was talked about a few months ago, and its probably gonna get talked about again. crediting graphics on neocities.
now im going to preface this with saying im not going to outright say you never have to credit, because im a visual artist myself and literally had my art stolen a few months ago.
i feel like crediting on neocities is more about internet history and archiving. it goes without saying that anything you find that you know for a fact where it came from or appears to be made by one person, or looks to be someones genuine actual art, its your responsibility to credit and link back. the big thing for me here is sourcing graphics from neocities predecessor, geocities. i think people forget that all geocities users almost all of them hot linked, ripped, and stole graphics from their fellow geocitizens sites All the time. graphics were shared around very often. which is why, i think at least in the sense of getting stuff off gifcities or using graphics that are probably as old as 1999, its fine to not know who to credit. most of the time i will just link back to the first geocities i saw it on and call it a day.
despite how often neocities users want to equate web making to the process of visual art, its a lot different than that. web making is an art, but to hound ppl for not crediting a rotating star gif because they found it on a website from 2004...?
forgive the sappiness for a second, but, web history is neocitizen heritage. geocitizens were our ancestors, they saved these graphics and shared them around with eachother and now we are extremely fortunate to do the same thing. these were made for us to use. to share and to customize.
and i should express, i absolutely am against downloading ppls neocities html and using it as your own. thats terrible and not what im talking about here.
essentially, i think when it comes to using graphics that you pulled off gifcities and neocities deep dives and not knowing who made them because you dont have the time and energy to find who did it, is fine. maybe i misunderstood the discourse so if all of this seems obvious im sorry LOL.
id also like to add that a good example of what im talking about is the frame of my blog! i made it myself from a screenshot i found off a website archival blog. all it did was post old screenshots, and i took the empty window and made something out of it. they didnt make the window, and there could be a billion different desktop screenshots with the same exact window. just as there are a billion different neocities with that same rotating clown gif. simply put, i think neocities crediting is as simple as linking back to the place you got it and taking things down or crediting when asked.
i feel like the vibe of the internet has gotten more and more aggressive, and now we just want to find things to pick at and find a problem with. despite neocities essentially being the opposite of that (at least to me)
in the midst of everything happening on corporate social media right now, and people finding alternatives, i think its worth typing this up
it was talked about a few months ago, and its probably gonna get talked about again. crediting graphics on neocities.
now im going to preface this with saying im not going to outright say you never have to credit, because im a visual artist myself and literally had my art stolen a few months ago.
i feel like crediting on neocities is more about internet history and archiving. it goes without saying that anything you find that you know for a fact where it came from or appears to be made by one person, or looks to be someones genuine actual art, its your responsibility to credit and link back. the big thing for me here is sourcing graphics from neocities predecessor, geocities. i think people forget that all geocities users almost all of them hot linked, ripped, and stole graphics from their fellow geocitizens sites All the time. graphics were shared around very often. which is why, i think at least in the sense of getting stuff off gifcities or using graphics that are probably as old as 1999, its fine to not know who to credit. most of the time i will just link back to the first geocities i saw it on and call it a day.
despite how often neocities users want to equate web making to the process of visual art, its a lot different than that. web making is an art, but to hound ppl for not crediting a rotating star gif because they found it on a website from 2004...?
forgive the sappiness for a second, but, web history is neocitizen heritage. geocitizens were our ancestors, they saved these graphics and shared them around with eachother and now we are extremely fortunate to do the same thing. these were made for us to use. to share and to customize.
and i should express, i absolutely am against downloading ppls neocities html and using it as your own. thats terrible and not what im talking about here.
essentially, i think when it comes to using graphics that you pulled off gifcities and neocities deep dives and not knowing who made them because you dont have the time and energy to find who did it, is fine. maybe i misunderstood the discourse so if all of this seems obvious im sorry LOL.
id also like to add that a good example of what im talking about is the frame of my blog! i made it myself from a screenshot i found off a website archival blog. all it did was post old screenshots, and i took the empty window and made something out of it. they didnt make the window, and there could be a billion different desktop screenshots with the same exact window. just as there are a billion different neocities with that same rotating clown gif. simply put, i think neocities crediting is as simple as linking back to the place you got it and taking things down or crediting when asked.
i feel like the vibe of the internet has gotten more and more aggressive, and now we just want to find things to pick at and find a problem with. despite neocities essentially being the opposite of that (at least to me)
11/01/22........................Lord is it Mine
listening to: kepler 22-b by king gizzard
eating: egg and bacon sandwich
drinking: coffee
its november, halloween is over and with it, october as well. october was a pretty excruciating month, i feel like every month leading up to it was just preparation for it. i hope, feeling the way i do now, november is better. because i was pretty happy on halloween, and i feel pretty decent now. maybe im getting used to the current things bothering me, though.
the month after november is december, my birth month. my birthday's the 14th, and im turning 18. thats the main reason im writing this now, i want to talk about turning 18 and what it means for me, and how it feels being so close. really, i feel dread. very very all consuming dread. ive not graduated, i dont have any schooling beyond elementary school. no job, no id, no liscense. its stressful, obviously its stressful.
i know 18 is stressful for everyone, but i feel like its especially worse for me. i keep telling myself it wont seem so bad once it actually comes. a big reason why it seems so scary is because i dont even feel 17, let alone 18, i still feel 12. and while my friends or family might deny that i seem 12, i feel it.
i just want out of here, i want a new life and i want to move past this chapter. imagine, you never left the part of your life where you were 12. and then, imagine in that same part of your life, you werent even going to school. thats essentially what my life is like. its nothing. ive sat alone in a house with no friends for years, since i was 8. and now im almost an adult, and im still this way. i mean sure i possess common sense but i dont have any of the life experience any actual 18 year olds should have.
and as if this sole experience couldnt get any worse i struggle with undiagnosed mental illnesses and family members who just do not fucking get it. i cant even bring up my mental health issues to my mom unless were the only ones in the room because my dad and brother are so judgemental. honestly, just saying that is making me feel worse. i hate bringing them up or talking about them, THATS how bad they make me feel.
maybe a miracle will happen and ill get a therapist, and ill see a doctor, and ill get a job and a car and my life will suddenly be on track. but considering everything, its hard to hope for that. im at the point where i just want to be thrown into my new life instead of waiting for it, because i feel like waiting for it is way more stressful than actually living it.
eating: egg and bacon sandwich
drinking: coffee
its november, halloween is over and with it, october as well. october was a pretty excruciating month, i feel like every month leading up to it was just preparation for it. i hope, feeling the way i do now, november is better. because i was pretty happy on halloween, and i feel pretty decent now. maybe im getting used to the current things bothering me, though.
the month after november is december, my birth month. my birthday's the 14th, and im turning 18. thats the main reason im writing this now, i want to talk about turning 18 and what it means for me, and how it feels being so close. really, i feel dread. very very all consuming dread. ive not graduated, i dont have any schooling beyond elementary school. no job, no id, no liscense. its stressful, obviously its stressful.
i know 18 is stressful for everyone, but i feel like its especially worse for me. i keep telling myself it wont seem so bad once it actually comes. a big reason why it seems so scary is because i dont even feel 17, let alone 18, i still feel 12. and while my friends or family might deny that i seem 12, i feel it.
i just want out of here, i want a new life and i want to move past this chapter. imagine, you never left the part of your life where you were 12. and then, imagine in that same part of your life, you werent even going to school. thats essentially what my life is like. its nothing. ive sat alone in a house with no friends for years, since i was 8. and now im almost an adult, and im still this way. i mean sure i possess common sense but i dont have any of the life experience any actual 18 year olds should have.
and as if this sole experience couldnt get any worse i struggle with undiagnosed mental illnesses and family members who just do not fucking get it. i cant even bring up my mental health issues to my mom unless were the only ones in the room because my dad and brother are so judgemental. honestly, just saying that is making me feel worse. i hate bringing them up or talking about them, THATS how bad they make me feel.
maybe a miracle will happen and ill get a therapist, and ill see a doctor, and ill get a job and a car and my life will suddenly be on track. but considering everything, its hard to hope for that. im at the point where i just want to be thrown into my new life instead of waiting for it, because i feel like waiting for it is way more stressful than actually living it.
08/30/22........................Three of a Kind
listening to: mothership connection by parliament
eating: toast
drinking: mean bean java monster
heyyyyy i hope you've had a good past 10 days! for me not a lot happened, except for the splatoon 3 splatfest (i was team paper !!), and LOTS of x files watching. ive been really really obsessed with the lone gunmen specifically and they are essentially the only thing thats been on my mind for the past 7 days at least. i drew something of byers and langley that i was really happy with! click here to view it! its a redraw of the two gentlemen on the cover of heaven 17's "how men are" album. that album reminds me a lot of the gunmen, but mostly for autism reasons LMFAO
other than that ive been listening to albums with my best friend and watching it draw. mew is a lot better at listening to new music than i am LOL
also! im pre ordering splatoon 3 on the 2nd HOPEFULLY! i wanted to get drums and wires finally when my mom got paid but i realized its better to get splatoon 3 first. its gonna be the first splatoon game ive played at launch so im SOOO excited!
i watched two movies this week too, peewee's big adventure which i LOVED! who wouldnt! and rem lazar which i didnt pay a lot of attention to bcs it was honestly a bit boring lol. but im glad i got to watch it since its been such a prolific part of vinesauce lore for years haha
i think thats all from me for now, seeya next time !
eating: toast
drinking: mean bean java monster
heyyyyy i hope you've had a good past 10 days! for me not a lot happened, except for the splatoon 3 splatfest (i was team paper !!), and LOTS of x files watching. ive been really really obsessed with the lone gunmen specifically and they are essentially the only thing thats been on my mind for the past 7 days at least. i drew something of byers and langley that i was really happy with! click here to view it! its a redraw of the two gentlemen on the cover of heaven 17's "how men are" album. that album reminds me a lot of the gunmen, but mostly for autism reasons LMFAO
other than that ive been listening to albums with my best friend and watching it draw. mew is a lot better at listening to new music than i am LOL
also! im pre ordering splatoon 3 on the 2nd HOPEFULLY! i wanted to get drums and wires finally when my mom got paid but i realized its better to get splatoon 3 first. its gonna be the first splatoon game ive played at launch so im SOOO excited!
i watched two movies this week too, peewee's big adventure which i LOVED! who wouldnt! and rem lazar which i didnt pay a lot of attention to bcs it was honestly a bit boring lol. but im glad i got to watch it since its been such a prolific part of vinesauce lore for years haha
i think thats all from me for now, seeya next time !
08/20/22........................Movies of Old
listening to: fuzzy warbles vol 5 by andy partridge
eating: onion rings and bbq wings
drinking: arizona green tea
its a new week! happy saturday! i hope all of you are having a good day today :) i woke up at 2pm today bcs i COULD NOT sleep last night. i just stayed up on my phone while watching vinny vinesauce's splatoon 2 streams. speaking of, ive been playing a LOT of splatoon 2 lately. mostly salmon run, bcs its SOOOO fun. and im VERYY excited for splat 3!!!!
also me and my bff started watching tng but like two episodes only. the first season is really lame LOL i hope we can get to the good episodes though.
we also watched ghoulies 3 and grease this week, with my other bffs johnny and earthy. both were um. questionable at times but i had a good time watching both, even though ghoulies 3 was the BAD MOVIE for the week lol. we're supposed to watch the next bad movie on monday, hopefully. then we'll watch peewee's big adventure which im SO EXCITED for, thats the good movie that earthy picked.
aside from that there were some low moments this week. lots of looking around not knowing what to do and having bad blood with my mom. unrelated to the bad blood im trying to get her to let me preorder splatoon 3 bcs i want it AS SOON AS POSSIBLE!!!!!!!
okay i think thats all i got to say today. see y'all next saturday...
eating: onion rings and bbq wings
drinking: arizona green tea
its a new week! happy saturday! i hope all of you are having a good day today :) i woke up at 2pm today bcs i COULD NOT sleep last night. i just stayed up on my phone while watching vinny vinesauce's splatoon 2 streams. speaking of, ive been playing a LOT of splatoon 2 lately. mostly salmon run, bcs its SOOOO fun. and im VERYY excited for splat 3!!!!
also me and my bff started watching tng but like two episodes only. the first season is really lame LOL i hope we can get to the good episodes though.
we also watched ghoulies 3 and grease this week, with my other bffs johnny and earthy. both were um. questionable at times but i had a good time watching both, even though ghoulies 3 was the BAD MOVIE for the week lol. we're supposed to watch the next bad movie on monday, hopefully. then we'll watch peewee's big adventure which im SO EXCITED for, thats the good movie that earthy picked.
aside from that there were some low moments this week. lots of looking around not knowing what to do and having bad blood with my mom. unrelated to the bad blood im trying to get her to let me preorder splatoon 3 bcs i want it AS SOON AS POSSIBLE!!!!!!!
okay i think thats all i got to say today. see y'all next saturday...
08/13/22........................Bad Saturday
listening to: fuzzy warbles vol 4 by andy partridge
eating: mcdonalds
AHH! its been a week already! i hope you had a good saturday! mine SUCKED!!!!! i cried like twice today over inconveniences. i woke up and breakfast kept being thwarted by Issues and then dinner was thwarted by Issues. but then my best friend ordered me some mcdonalds after i asked...it answered my pleas and i love mew so much. anyways that and this java monster im drinking saved my day just in the nic of time. aside from today though, the past week has been...more or less the same. i finished ds9 with my best friend and sound LOVED IT!!!!!! we plan on starting tng at some point!!! im beginning to forget all of the other things that happened this week.
oh, i didnt get to order that record my mom promised LOL but she said next weekend will work. we'll see... OH WE ALSO got steak and shake yesterday whcih was AWESOME!!! bcs i havent had steak and shaek in forever. and its my favorite restaurant next to buffalo wild wings. i also rewatched some of Q's tng episodes (encounter at farpoint, hide and q, q who, deja q to be exact) and i also read some qcard and jiles fanfiction :) also a lot of drawing none of it GOING ANYWHERE THOUGH i think im art blocked.
anyways! thats all i got. ill see you next saturday...for another blog post....
eating: mcdonalds
AHH! its been a week already! i hope you had a good saturday! mine SUCKED!!!!! i cried like twice today over inconveniences. i woke up and breakfast kept being thwarted by Issues and then dinner was thwarted by Issues. but then my best friend ordered me some mcdonalds after i asked...it answered my pleas and i love mew so much. anyways that and this java monster im drinking saved my day just in the nic of time. aside from today though, the past week has been...more or less the same. i finished ds9 with my best friend and sound LOVED IT!!!!!! we plan on starting tng at some point!!! im beginning to forget all of the other things that happened this week.
oh, i didnt get to order that record my mom promised LOL but she said next weekend will work. we'll see... OH WE ALSO got steak and shake yesterday whcih was AWESOME!!! bcs i havent had steak and shaek in forever. and its my favorite restaurant next to buffalo wild wings. i also rewatched some of Q's tng episodes (encounter at farpoint, hide and q, q who, deja q to be exact) and i also read some qcard and jiles fanfiction :) also a lot of drawing none of it GOING ANYWHERE THOUGH i think im art blocked.
anyways! thats all i got. ill see you next saturday...for another blog post....
08/06/22........................New Blog
listening to: mothership connection - parliament
eating: twizzlers nibs
my first blog entry! oh boy! i already wrote one but i accidentally erased all of it. :(
anyways. i decided ill update the blog every week or so, since im not a very active person LOL. but ill recount some interesting things about the past two weeks
first, ive been rewatching star trek deep space nine with my best friend alex. its mews first time but my second. i Love star trek ds9 and its probably my favorite ST series... im noticing though that i love it even more this second time around. unfortunately me and alex are already almost done with it, and we only have 9 more episodes left! but maybe i can make it watch tng next.
due to this im hyperfixating on ds9 again, which means drawing a LOT of it. ive been mostly drawing jiles (julian and miles) because lately ive become super obsessed with them. when i first watched ds9 my favorites were odo and quark, but it seems this time around ive gained a bias towards miles and julian. but im not complaining, as someone who falls under apathy spells too often its really nice finding new things to LOVE about a previous fixation.
on a new note, my mom said she could buy me a new record this monday. im not going to get my hopes up since we're living paycheck to paycheck rn and thats a REALLY dicey promise, but its a nice thought regardless. i might get either mummer or drums and wires. most likely drums, since its harder to get and more expensive. id rather jump at the chance now than wait.
well, thats all i got. thanks for reading! and for visiting my site..! im hoping to get my record collection page up and spiffy tomorrow...or, maybe at least sometime next week. bye!!!
eating: twizzlers nibs
my first blog entry! oh boy! i already wrote one but i accidentally erased all of it. :(
anyways. i decided ill update the blog every week or so, since im not a very active person LOL. but ill recount some interesting things about the past two weeks
first, ive been rewatching star trek deep space nine with my best friend alex. its mews first time but my second. i Love star trek ds9 and its probably my favorite ST series... im noticing though that i love it even more this second time around. unfortunately me and alex are already almost done with it, and we only have 9 more episodes left! but maybe i can make it watch tng next.
due to this im hyperfixating on ds9 again, which means drawing a LOT of it. ive been mostly drawing jiles (julian and miles) because lately ive become super obsessed with them. when i first watched ds9 my favorites were odo and quark, but it seems this time around ive gained a bias towards miles and julian. but im not complaining, as someone who falls under apathy spells too often its really nice finding new things to LOVE about a previous fixation.
on a new note, my mom said she could buy me a new record this monday. im not going to get my hopes up since we're living paycheck to paycheck rn and thats a REALLY dicey promise, but its a nice thought regardless. i might get either mummer or drums and wires. most likely drums, since its harder to get and more expensive. id rather jump at the chance now than wait.
well, thats all i got. thanks for reading! and for visiting my site..! im hoping to get my record collection page up and spiffy tomorrow...or, maybe at least sometime next week. bye!!!
select an entry...
april '2404/12/24
march '24
03/31/24
03/20/24
03/02/24
february '24
02/29/24
02/11/24
02/06/24
02/03/24
january '24
01/25/24
01/13/24
01/11/24
01/07/24
december '23
12/27/23
12/24/23
12/07/23
12/04/23
12/04/23
12/03/23
november '23
11/26/23
october '23
10/08/23
september '23
09/30/23
09/20/23
august '23
08/22/23
june '23
06/29/23
06/18/23
06/01/23
may '23
05/23/23
february '23
02/27/23
january '23
01/09/23
december '22
12/31/22
12/08/22
november '22
11/03/22
11/01/22
august '22
08/30/22
08/20/22
08/13/22
08/06/22
status feed...
powered by Surfing Waves
