04/29/25.........junebug
listening to: lithium by nirvana
eating: nachos
drinking: java monster
loong time no see. i havent been doing much. ive drawn a ton of stuff this april, and also have watched a lot of x files with my boyfriend. ive seen it all through once already, but he hasnt. its been really exciting bcs i forgot a lot about it, so its almost like im watching for the first time. and ive found new things about it that i love that i hadnt previously. namely cigarette smoking man!!!!!!!! okay i have always liked him, but not to the degree i do right now. its actually kind of ridiculous, my mind will not let me stop thinking about him. i truly adore him more than i ever did and its driving me nuts. hes also not a very popular character (for reasons that are pretty obvious if youre an x files fan) i seem to go the craziest for characters with no fans. its ridiculous. anyways hes all thats on my mind right now so bare with me while i try to write something thats not about him
i went to the mall with my brother a few weeks ago and lost my inhaler. which at the time was already very empty, but it was still dispensing medicine if i was lucky. so after i lost it i was completely shit out of luck for an inhaler and constantly suffocating and short of breath. it was like a months long back and forth with doctors and pharmacies trying to get an inhaler. i didnt get one until my dads coworker gave me a spare. thank god. so now im breathing again, but im still out of my daily inhaler and my prozac. which is.....troubling. i dont seem to operate very well long term without my prozac so im hoping my mom figures something out. she had teeth pulled last weekend so shes not been doing much at all but sleep, and shes who i depend on to do most things like get meds so its been. like. irritating. anyways on a positive note, the mall. i got some stuff. like candy and an usagi chiikawa plush. which is on my desk rn. right next to my action figure of the doctor. my boyfriend says hes supposed to stick onto your phone, which i want to do but hes massive. way too big for my measly phone. i also got some blind boxes at box lunch and the girl working basically bullied me into buying more than i wanted, and i was so embarrassed because it was my brothers money! he didnt seem all that bothered though. i also tried wetzels pretzels for the first time and i got the cinnamon pretzels. they were okay! but i feel like the pretzel taste comes through too much. ive been wanting to go to the mall again, but my parents are hilariously inept at taking me anywhere. i did go to buffalo wild wings this last weekend, which is my favorite restaurant!!!!! that day just happened to be the play offs for my states basketball team, so the place was chock full. very loud. but the food was really good........like always.......ive never had a bad experience at buffalo wild wings
easter was honestly abysmal but ive had worse easters, maybe. like, at least i still do stuff on easter. i dont live in a religious family, mind you, never have. we just like being festive. and eating. and candy. my dad made what he makes every year, but he fucked it allll up this time. the ham was 80 percent fat, he ruined the devilled eggs, he got a nasty brand of dinner rolls, and the crowning jewel of all of our holiday dinners, cheesy potato casserole, HE RUINED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! he had the fucking audacity to put french onion dip into it. my mom and i thought it was so gross but never told him bcs hes a sensitive idiot who cant take criticism. who the hell says to themselves "yeah im gonna cook this dip at 400 degrees for 45 minutes im sure it will taste good" fucking absurd. it was very infuriating as i look forward to that specific casserole with every holiday. it seems like hes getting worse at making it. it used to be so good when i was a kid.
whaaaaat else. oh yeah ive been chipping away at a new index, but coding is so tedious for me and i often want to do other things that ive made little progress on it. i have hope for it though.
also my keyboard was acting up for fucking like a week and a half and thats a big reason why i wasnt able to write a new blog entry. i finally said fuck it and took my moms spare keyboard. i was dreading it bcs my room is a cluttered mess and its impossible to get to my computer's wires without breaking my spine or some shit but i managed. the keyboard is actually really nice to use and im glad.....it turned out very well.
also my new safe food is stouffers mac and cheese and its all i ever want to eat, which sucks because each box is like 4 bucks and i am very poor. of course i get cursed with an expensive safe food. i ate two bowls yesterday and now i have to wait until tomorrow to eat my last one. and it will only be wednesday. devastating.
thats all for now. watch musings of a cigarette smoking man x files its the sound of the summer
eating: nachos
drinking: java monster
loong time no see. i havent been doing much. ive drawn a ton of stuff this april, and also have watched a lot of x files with my boyfriend. ive seen it all through once already, but he hasnt. its been really exciting bcs i forgot a lot about it, so its almost like im watching for the first time. and ive found new things about it that i love that i hadnt previously. namely cigarette smoking man!!!!!!!! okay i have always liked him, but not to the degree i do right now. its actually kind of ridiculous, my mind will not let me stop thinking about him. i truly adore him more than i ever did and its driving me nuts. hes also not a very popular character (for reasons that are pretty obvious if youre an x files fan) i seem to go the craziest for characters with no fans. its ridiculous. anyways hes all thats on my mind right now so bare with me while i try to write something thats not about him
i went to the mall with my brother a few weeks ago and lost my inhaler. which at the time was already very empty, but it was still dispensing medicine if i was lucky. so after i lost it i was completely shit out of luck for an inhaler and constantly suffocating and short of breath. it was like a months long back and forth with doctors and pharmacies trying to get an inhaler. i didnt get one until my dads coworker gave me a spare. thank god. so now im breathing again, but im still out of my daily inhaler and my prozac. which is.....troubling. i dont seem to operate very well long term without my prozac so im hoping my mom figures something out. she had teeth pulled last weekend so shes not been doing much at all but sleep, and shes who i depend on to do most things like get meds so its been. like. irritating. anyways on a positive note, the mall. i got some stuff. like candy and an usagi chiikawa plush. which is on my desk rn. right next to my action figure of the doctor. my boyfriend says hes supposed to stick onto your phone, which i want to do but hes massive. way too big for my measly phone. i also got some blind boxes at box lunch and the girl working basically bullied me into buying more than i wanted, and i was so embarrassed because it was my brothers money! he didnt seem all that bothered though. i also tried wetzels pretzels for the first time and i got the cinnamon pretzels. they were okay! but i feel like the pretzel taste comes through too much. ive been wanting to go to the mall again, but my parents are hilariously inept at taking me anywhere. i did go to buffalo wild wings this last weekend, which is my favorite restaurant!!!!! that day just happened to be the play offs for my states basketball team, so the place was chock full. very loud. but the food was really good........like always.......ive never had a bad experience at buffalo wild wings
easter was honestly abysmal but ive had worse easters, maybe. like, at least i still do stuff on easter. i dont live in a religious family, mind you, never have. we just like being festive. and eating. and candy. my dad made what he makes every year, but he fucked it allll up this time. the ham was 80 percent fat, he ruined the devilled eggs, he got a nasty brand of dinner rolls, and the crowning jewel of all of our holiday dinners, cheesy potato casserole, HE RUINED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! he had the fucking audacity to put french onion dip into it. my mom and i thought it was so gross but never told him bcs hes a sensitive idiot who cant take criticism. who the hell says to themselves "yeah im gonna cook this dip at 400 degrees for 45 minutes im sure it will taste good" fucking absurd. it was very infuriating as i look forward to that specific casserole with every holiday. it seems like hes getting worse at making it. it used to be so good when i was a kid.
whaaaaat else. oh yeah ive been chipping away at a new index, but coding is so tedious for me and i often want to do other things that ive made little progress on it. i have hope for it though.
also my keyboard was acting up for fucking like a week and a half and thats a big reason why i wasnt able to write a new blog entry. i finally said fuck it and took my moms spare keyboard. i was dreading it bcs my room is a cluttered mess and its impossible to get to my computer's wires without breaking my spine or some shit but i managed. the keyboard is actually really nice to use and im glad.....it turned out very well.
also my new safe food is stouffers mac and cheese and its all i ever want to eat, which sucks because each box is like 4 bucks and i am very poor. of course i get cursed with an expensive safe food. i ate two bowls yesterday and now i have to wait until tomorrow to eat my last one. and it will only be wednesday. devastating.
thats all for now. watch musings of a cigarette smoking man x files its the sound of the summer
03/19/25..........this is what we find
listening to: do it yourself - ian dury & the blockheads
well. um long time no see i guess? nothings really been going on. oh my god wait, i did go to a comic convention last sunday. it was insane! my first ever time going to one. since i was a little kid obsessed with homestuck one of my biggest dreams was to go to a comic convention. to cosplay, and go to meetups, and all that comes with comic conventions. as i got older, i kind of grew out of the desire. a lot of this was because cons started to die out in fan spaces, and plus the possibility of going for me personally felt farther and farther away. there just came a point where i realized there was no way, and to kind of abandon that. ive had to do that with so many things because of the way ive been forced to live. but on saturday, my brother messaged me and asked me if i wanted to go to a convention. it was a resounding yes. i scrambled to look up the convention, and found out brent spiner would be there. the actor for data in star trek. obviously you can imagine i was extremely excited. i literally screamed and howled into my pillow...sadly, brent had left early by the time i got there. which was really disappointing, but i kind of shrugged it off because his signings were 6O BUCKS. and photo ops were 70. it was absurd! so i thought to myself even if he was there, i wouldnt be able to do much.
regardless the con was still a lot of fun. it was the last day and i really only got to see artists alley, but it was amazing being able to experience it for the first time and i even bought a few things! such as:
a minecraft witch plush (i love all minecraft villagers and illagers)
a water keychain with a little plastic bear inside
search for spock on vhs
a bert and ernie keychain
an earthbound keychain
a jeff from earthbound sticker
my hands were so full and there were somethings i passed up just bcs i had no room, lol. my dad handed me a wad of 16 bucks, and my brother paid for some as well. i was very grateful. this june theres another con id really like to go to, but whos to say ill end up going. it was really nice to see all the cosplays and try guessing who they were, though i wish there were more. i personally cosplayed as the narrator from fight club, but no one recognized me or said anything...it would be nice to try to put together a more cohesive cosplay for the next con, but i really do not have any money. ever. for that kind of thing. walking to and from the con, and in the middle of the giant artists alley, killed my legs. theyve been sore since! theyre getting better though. id do it again and again, the soreness was worth it for sure.
aside from that, i really havent been doing much. ive been in a bit of an art block lately, which has been brutal. but i think im bouncing back. i also watched all of severance the past few weeks, and im now awaiting the s2 finale (i hope its good, im worried it will suck lol) theres talks of me getting my first job soon working with my mom, but its a complicated procedure and its been torture waiting for something to pan out. im greatly anticipating my first cheque and im really ready to start my life already. ive been dependant, poor, miserable, alone, and stuck in this house for years. doing nothing. no friends. its hellish. thats why the con was so huge to go to, thats why the idea of getting a job is so fucking massive to me. i need to start working, i need to start fucking doing something with this life. it feels like it will never happen. i feel eternally stuck. but going to the con gave me a weird kind of serenity, it felt like a sign of some sort that things are starting to open up for me. that someday i might finally be free.
and today, i got drums and wires in the mail! ive got all of xtc's records on original pressing save for nonsvch and mummer now! ive been trying to get drums and wires since 2021, and its great to finally have it. but right now my record collection is in a state of disarray as i dont have a very reliable place to store them, and my record player isnt ideal either. my room is a clusterfuck hell of clutter and trash, and its all in a horrible state. we're trying to move, and i want to so fucking bad, but that feels like another impossible thing. i feel like i genuinely cant fucking do anything with myself until i can leave this hellhole and start over. this house is weighing me down. i just want a nifty setup with a turntable that wont destroy my records and a shelf that keeps them clean and safe. but in my world, thats impossible and far too much to ask for. its depressing. i just need to start working. and i need to move. please. its so simple, but its genuinely too much to ask for and this stupid fucking life wont give it to me.
ive run out of writing juices. hope you had fun reading this. bye.
well. um long time no see i guess? nothings really been going on. oh my god wait, i did go to a comic convention last sunday. it was insane! my first ever time going to one. since i was a little kid obsessed with homestuck one of my biggest dreams was to go to a comic convention. to cosplay, and go to meetups, and all that comes with comic conventions. as i got older, i kind of grew out of the desire. a lot of this was because cons started to die out in fan spaces, and plus the possibility of going for me personally felt farther and farther away. there just came a point where i realized there was no way, and to kind of abandon that. ive had to do that with so many things because of the way ive been forced to live. but on saturday, my brother messaged me and asked me if i wanted to go to a convention. it was a resounding yes. i scrambled to look up the convention, and found out brent spiner would be there. the actor for data in star trek. obviously you can imagine i was extremely excited. i literally screamed and howled into my pillow...sadly, brent had left early by the time i got there. which was really disappointing, but i kind of shrugged it off because his signings were 6O BUCKS. and photo ops were 70. it was absurd! so i thought to myself even if he was there, i wouldnt be able to do much.
regardless the con was still a lot of fun. it was the last day and i really only got to see artists alley, but it was amazing being able to experience it for the first time and i even bought a few things! such as:
a minecraft witch plush (i love all minecraft villagers and illagers)
a water keychain with a little plastic bear inside
search for spock on vhs
a bert and ernie keychain
an earthbound keychain
a jeff from earthbound sticker
my hands were so full and there were somethings i passed up just bcs i had no room, lol. my dad handed me a wad of 16 bucks, and my brother paid for some as well. i was very grateful. this june theres another con id really like to go to, but whos to say ill end up going. it was really nice to see all the cosplays and try guessing who they were, though i wish there were more. i personally cosplayed as the narrator from fight club, but no one recognized me or said anything...it would be nice to try to put together a more cohesive cosplay for the next con, but i really do not have any money. ever. for that kind of thing. walking to and from the con, and in the middle of the giant artists alley, killed my legs. theyve been sore since! theyre getting better though. id do it again and again, the soreness was worth it for sure.
aside from that, i really havent been doing much. ive been in a bit of an art block lately, which has been brutal. but i think im bouncing back. i also watched all of severance the past few weeks, and im now awaiting the s2 finale (i hope its good, im worried it will suck lol) theres talks of me getting my first job soon working with my mom, but its a complicated procedure and its been torture waiting for something to pan out. im greatly anticipating my first cheque and im really ready to start my life already. ive been dependant, poor, miserable, alone, and stuck in this house for years. doing nothing. no friends. its hellish. thats why the con was so huge to go to, thats why the idea of getting a job is so fucking massive to me. i need to start working, i need to start fucking doing something with this life. it feels like it will never happen. i feel eternally stuck. but going to the con gave me a weird kind of serenity, it felt like a sign of some sort that things are starting to open up for me. that someday i might finally be free.
and today, i got drums and wires in the mail! ive got all of xtc's records on original pressing save for nonsvch and mummer now! ive been trying to get drums and wires since 2021, and its great to finally have it. but right now my record collection is in a state of disarray as i dont have a very reliable place to store them, and my record player isnt ideal either. my room is a clusterfuck hell of clutter and trash, and its all in a horrible state. we're trying to move, and i want to so fucking bad, but that feels like another impossible thing. i feel like i genuinely cant fucking do anything with myself until i can leave this hellhole and start over. this house is weighing me down. i just want a nifty setup with a turntable that wont destroy my records and a shelf that keeps them clean and safe. but in my world, thats impossible and far too much to ask for. its depressing. i just need to start working. and i need to move. please. its so simple, but its genuinely too much to ask for and this stupid fucking life wont give it to me.
ive run out of writing juices. hope you had fun reading this. bye.
02/22/25........king of comedy
listening to: the seeds of love by tears for fears
drinking: mean bean java monster
this morning i woke up and opened tiktok. because i love immediately dipping my brain into the deepfryer the moment i open my eyes (tiktok is an addiction that should be taken seriously atp)
i scrolled and after about 30 minutes of it i found a video detailing things grown men had said in passing about a young winona ryder. they were very unnerving, upsetting, and horrifying. one of the lead members of the monkees, mike nesmith, was name dropped in the video and was quoted saying something genuinely unnerving about a 15 year old winona. the post had no sources. before jumping to misery, i googled it. the quote came directly from a book he wrote, and in one of the articles i came across the monkees almanac quoted him directly. (the monkees almanac is, as far as im concerned, a very reputable source about the monkees.) i wanted sooo badly to make room for doubt, to explain it away, but now im just left feeling devastated and empty. it wouldnt hurt so badly if i hadnt developed an emotional connection to mike nesmith. yes, i know. its my fault, hes a dead old guy, you didnt know him, ect. i get it, man. now im here. now im here stuck feeling this feeling of grossed out dread, knowing someone ive put hours into and someone ive shed tears over is this way. and now i gotta work through it.
this post isnt about mike's actions so much as it is about this behavior as a whole and how it seems to be endless. grown men in the entertainment industry, some who are widely loved and greatly influential, actually going on record to prey on young women. its like running into a brick wall every time i read about it. the pain it makes me feel, the fear and the dread it fills me with, is indescribable. and as someone with ocd, and crippling intrusive thoughts, it hurts all the more. for some its probably so simple to just enjoy something without going directly to the source, without becoming enthralled with a real person and developing a strange adoration for them. but sadly, i admit, its not simple for me. its enough to have some sort of uncontrollable drive and appreciation for someone i'll never meet, someone much older than me. but its far worse when i find out about things theyve done that i consider unforgivable. (things most people should consider unforgivable, but people are stupid)
i dont want to come off like im excusing these peoples mistakes and behaviors with my own unhealthy attachments to them. typically, like a semi-normal person, i criticize and recognize the mistakes people i have put so high on the pedestal make. and often times, i will discard them completely and separate myself. my point is, when you develop this kind of thing for an artist of any kind, youre setting yourself up for failure. and ive done it so much, that i know that very well at this point. but this specific incident with mike has given me a wake up call. in general, i feel like ive grown out of this kind of real person fan-dom as ive gotten older. im 20, and i turn 21 this december. i cant be chasing the wiles and charms of men who dont know me forever. i cant do it well into my 30s unless i want to end up...well...if youve been in any real person fanbase, you know what type of person im talking about.
this kind of fan behavior towards real people, especially real men, doesnt just come for no reason. it doenst just culminate because you happen to be that way. getting no attention in your childhood, having no friends as a teenager/young adult, being under socialized, not knowing what it feels like to be touched or to be kissed. all of these painful experiences and misfortunes culminate, sometimes, in stuff like this. liking older men, developing unhealthy emotional attachments to them. igot put in homeschool at a very young age, and due to that i know no one in real life. i dont have a car, and ive never had a job. my distant family does not interact with my close family, and i seldom interact with my own siblings. the only people i know are my parents and my siblings. i do not know anyone in real life. i cant remember the last time ive had a hug, and ive never held hands or kissed someone romantically. i dont know what it is to be loved. and shit like this really fucks with your head. when youre robbed of a basic human need, like love, you start to get really dependant on strange emotional connections like these. when a musician makes a song you like, or an actor plays a character you like, or an author makes a book you like, a laundry list of things artists could grace your life with, sometimes you want to go straight to that source and learn more. find more. and yes, sexual/romantic attraction has a big part in this. when you dont get touched, when you dont meet people youre attracted to in real life, you start to see beautiful men in the music you like, or the movies you like, ect, and get attached to them. and it feels so safe, and gratuitous, and easy, because not only are they beautiful and talented, but they will never know you. they will never come face to face with YOUR misgivings. insecurity is another big part of this. ive often thought that the men ive been such a big fan of would find me appalling personally if they had met me. because i hate myself. but if theyre far away, and its one sided, and im the only one there, with only pictures and videos to satisfy, i wont have to face their made up hatred of me that i seem to think is there.
and all of this heartache, emotional attachment, yearning, loneliness, quickly flips into fear, shame, dread, frustration and outrage once that man you have deposited so much of your wanting and adoring into turns out to be something you truly loathe, something you truly fear. when things like this happen theres always someone who says "its your fault for becoming obsessed with them in the first place" and "i saw this coming" and just general cynical, condescending, holier than thou responses. i dont want to come off like im a victim and im suffering woe is me because i was brought up lonely and i decided to become attached to a real person. i recognize that its unhealthy. i recognize that it can cause harm. i recognize that it can even be dehumanizing, and insulting. i like to think ive been as respectful as possible all this time. i just want to express, from my own perspective as someone who does this kind of thing, why it happens, how it feels, and what it all can turn into. love is always painful, no matter what form it comes in. but this one is often not worth it.
theres obviously so much more to say on this topic, and if i said it all it would end up a jumbled mess. to sum it up, i need to start consciously separating myself from the people who make the things i love so much. i need to recognize them for what they are, and break down the idealized versions of them ive souped up in my head.
drinking: mean bean java monster
this morning i woke up and opened tiktok. because i love immediately dipping my brain into the deepfryer the moment i open my eyes (tiktok is an addiction that should be taken seriously atp)
i scrolled and after about 30 minutes of it i found a video detailing things grown men had said in passing about a young winona ryder. they were very unnerving, upsetting, and horrifying. one of the lead members of the monkees, mike nesmith, was name dropped in the video and was quoted saying something genuinely unnerving about a 15 year old winona. the post had no sources. before jumping to misery, i googled it. the quote came directly from a book he wrote, and in one of the articles i came across the monkees almanac quoted him directly. (the monkees almanac is, as far as im concerned, a very reputable source about the monkees.) i wanted sooo badly to make room for doubt, to explain it away, but now im just left feeling devastated and empty. it wouldnt hurt so badly if i hadnt developed an emotional connection to mike nesmith. yes, i know. its my fault, hes a dead old guy, you didnt know him, ect. i get it, man. now im here. now im here stuck feeling this feeling of grossed out dread, knowing someone ive put hours into and someone ive shed tears over is this way. and now i gotta work through it.
this post isnt about mike's actions so much as it is about this behavior as a whole and how it seems to be endless. grown men in the entertainment industry, some who are widely loved and greatly influential, actually going on record to prey on young women. its like running into a brick wall every time i read about it. the pain it makes me feel, the fear and the dread it fills me with, is indescribable. and as someone with ocd, and crippling intrusive thoughts, it hurts all the more. for some its probably so simple to just enjoy something without going directly to the source, without becoming enthralled with a real person and developing a strange adoration for them. but sadly, i admit, its not simple for me. its enough to have some sort of uncontrollable drive and appreciation for someone i'll never meet, someone much older than me. but its far worse when i find out about things theyve done that i consider unforgivable. (things most people should consider unforgivable, but people are stupid)
i dont want to come off like im excusing these peoples mistakes and behaviors with my own unhealthy attachments to them. typically, like a semi-normal person, i criticize and recognize the mistakes people i have put so high on the pedestal make. and often times, i will discard them completely and separate myself. my point is, when you develop this kind of thing for an artist of any kind, youre setting yourself up for failure. and ive done it so much, that i know that very well at this point. but this specific incident with mike has given me a wake up call. in general, i feel like ive grown out of this kind of real person fan-dom as ive gotten older. im 20, and i turn 21 this december. i cant be chasing the wiles and charms of men who dont know me forever. i cant do it well into my 30s unless i want to end up...well...if youve been in any real person fanbase, you know what type of person im talking about.
this kind of fan behavior towards real people, especially real men, doesnt just come for no reason. it doenst just culminate because you happen to be that way. getting no attention in your childhood, having no friends as a teenager/young adult, being under socialized, not knowing what it feels like to be touched or to be kissed. all of these painful experiences and misfortunes culminate, sometimes, in stuff like this. liking older men, developing unhealthy emotional attachments to them. igot put in homeschool at a very young age, and due to that i know no one in real life. i dont have a car, and ive never had a job. my distant family does not interact with my close family, and i seldom interact with my own siblings. the only people i know are my parents and my siblings. i do not know anyone in real life. i cant remember the last time ive had a hug, and ive never held hands or kissed someone romantically. i dont know what it is to be loved. and shit like this really fucks with your head. when youre robbed of a basic human need, like love, you start to get really dependant on strange emotional connections like these. when a musician makes a song you like, or an actor plays a character you like, or an author makes a book you like, a laundry list of things artists could grace your life with, sometimes you want to go straight to that source and learn more. find more. and yes, sexual/romantic attraction has a big part in this. when you dont get touched, when you dont meet people youre attracted to in real life, you start to see beautiful men in the music you like, or the movies you like, ect, and get attached to them. and it feels so safe, and gratuitous, and easy, because not only are they beautiful and talented, but they will never know you. they will never come face to face with YOUR misgivings. insecurity is another big part of this. ive often thought that the men ive been such a big fan of would find me appalling personally if they had met me. because i hate myself. but if theyre far away, and its one sided, and im the only one there, with only pictures and videos to satisfy, i wont have to face their made up hatred of me that i seem to think is there.
and all of this heartache, emotional attachment, yearning, loneliness, quickly flips into fear, shame, dread, frustration and outrage once that man you have deposited so much of your wanting and adoring into turns out to be something you truly loathe, something you truly fear. when things like this happen theres always someone who says "its your fault for becoming obsessed with them in the first place" and "i saw this coming" and just general cynical, condescending, holier than thou responses. i dont want to come off like im a victim and im suffering woe is me because i was brought up lonely and i decided to become attached to a real person. i recognize that its unhealthy. i recognize that it can cause harm. i recognize that it can even be dehumanizing, and insulting. i like to think ive been as respectful as possible all this time. i just want to express, from my own perspective as someone who does this kind of thing, why it happens, how it feels, and what it all can turn into. love is always painful, no matter what form it comes in. but this one is often not worth it.
theres obviously so much more to say on this topic, and if i said it all it would end up a jumbled mess. to sum it up, i need to start consciously separating myself from the people who make the things i love so much. i need to recognize them for what they are, and break down the idealized versions of them ive souped up in my head.
02/13/25........pack your bags and call the morgue
watching: vargskelethor
i tried drawing today. ive been drawing fine the past few days but suddenly today when i enthusiastically tried finishing some stuff, it just turned out horribly and made me feel like shit. it takes so little to make me spiral, and its really embarrassing for me. i feel like a toddler when this happens. like a pathetic emotionally immature basket case. honestly, it was more embarrassing because i was with my boyfriend on vc at the time. im so much more self aware about my breakdown when im doing it in front of someone. thoughts racing through my head wondering what they could be thinking, assuming theyre judging me, assuming im letting them down and upsetting them. its happened so much to me. its painful every single time.
i know its not realistic to expect your art to be good and turn out well every single day, but considering even my Best sucks ass, its so draining and upsetting. i hate hearing "well its okay cause drawing that thing is hard" i dont fucking care!!! it shouldn't be hard for me! its upsetting me that its fucking hard for me! its not hard for droves of 14 year old "amateur artists" out there. only for me!!! only for me because i have no will and im pathetic and talentless. i should be fucking farther by now! i should be giving out more by now! i should be stronger, talented, successful, and skilled by now! but im fucking not and it breaks me down every time i remember it. its pathetic. im fucking pathetic. i have no excuse. im worthless.
so THAT ruined my fucking night. i hopped off vc and closed clip studio paint and retreated like i always do. after the fact i had a run in with my mom and told her to stop bringing up difficult topics about my siblings because its all she fucking does every time we talk and i want her to stop, ive told her for years that i dont like these topics and i have nothing to do with them and dont want to hear about it and it means nothing to her. and the one time i confront her and outright tell her to stop she pulls the victim card and snaps like i hurt her and im the mean one. im tired of dealing with shit like this. my roommate isn't giving my parents her cut of the rent and my mom thinks shes lying about it and keeping money from us and we are barely scraping by as is WITH her cut of money. im just so sick of this. im so drained of this hellish garbage. i cant comment on anything or offer my own opinion or my frustrations without being yelled at and looked at sideways because im the stupid ungrateful young brat that should not have a say in the grown up convos. i get let out of convos all the time and ignored and talked over. i have my whole life. i feel worthless. my family makes me feel so small, so invisible. typing this now i feel like im making it up and being dramatic. im tired of the pain. im tired of the mental damage, im tired of the confusion and feeling like a victim. im tired of living the way i have my whole life. im 20 years old and i only recently got an id. i dont know how to drive and ive never been behind a wheel. ive never had a job and i haven't had a real life friend since the age of 8. i dont meet people and i dont go anywhere. i know very little about the real world and have a strenuous grasp on it. so much of my scope on "real life" comes from the internet. its deeply skewed and my life is aimless. im going to be 35 and still be mentally rotting in this house, being treated like im 16 by 70 year olds. hopefully by then ill have killed myself.
i tried drawing today. ive been drawing fine the past few days but suddenly today when i enthusiastically tried finishing some stuff, it just turned out horribly and made me feel like shit. it takes so little to make me spiral, and its really embarrassing for me. i feel like a toddler when this happens. like a pathetic emotionally immature basket case. honestly, it was more embarrassing because i was with my boyfriend on vc at the time. im so much more self aware about my breakdown when im doing it in front of someone. thoughts racing through my head wondering what they could be thinking, assuming theyre judging me, assuming im letting them down and upsetting them. its happened so much to me. its painful every single time.
i know its not realistic to expect your art to be good and turn out well every single day, but considering even my Best sucks ass, its so draining and upsetting. i hate hearing "well its okay cause drawing that thing is hard" i dont fucking care!!! it shouldn't be hard for me! its upsetting me that its fucking hard for me! its not hard for droves of 14 year old "amateur artists" out there. only for me!!! only for me because i have no will and im pathetic and talentless. i should be fucking farther by now! i should be giving out more by now! i should be stronger, talented, successful, and skilled by now! but im fucking not and it breaks me down every time i remember it. its pathetic. im fucking pathetic. i have no excuse. im worthless.
so THAT ruined my fucking night. i hopped off vc and closed clip studio paint and retreated like i always do. after the fact i had a run in with my mom and told her to stop bringing up difficult topics about my siblings because its all she fucking does every time we talk and i want her to stop, ive told her for years that i dont like these topics and i have nothing to do with them and dont want to hear about it and it means nothing to her. and the one time i confront her and outright tell her to stop she pulls the victim card and snaps like i hurt her and im the mean one. im tired of dealing with shit like this. my roommate isn't giving my parents her cut of the rent and my mom thinks shes lying about it and keeping money from us and we are barely scraping by as is WITH her cut of money. im just so sick of this. im so drained of this hellish garbage. i cant comment on anything or offer my own opinion or my frustrations without being yelled at and looked at sideways because im the stupid ungrateful young brat that should not have a say in the grown up convos. i get let out of convos all the time and ignored and talked over. i have my whole life. i feel worthless. my family makes me feel so small, so invisible. typing this now i feel like im making it up and being dramatic. im tired of the pain. im tired of the mental damage, im tired of the confusion and feeling like a victim. im tired of living the way i have my whole life. im 20 years old and i only recently got an id. i dont know how to drive and ive never been behind a wheel. ive never had a job and i haven't had a real life friend since the age of 8. i dont meet people and i dont go anywhere. i know very little about the real world and have a strenuous grasp on it. so much of my scope on "real life" comes from the internet. its deeply skewed and my life is aimless. im going to be 35 and still be mentally rotting in this house, being treated like im 16 by 70 year olds. hopefully by then ill have killed myself.
01/29/25..............insert title ehre
watching: vinesauce
eating: mini reeses cup
i wont lie, i am once again nearing my wits end. at this point, i have to wonder if my wits have an end. my mom forces me to live with a woman i dont know with her 2 cats for nearly a year (will be this July) and said woman ditches the house for days on end leaving her cats neglected and assuming i, some kid she doesn't fucking know, whos allergic to cats, will take care of them. just blatantly taking advantage of how much i care for animals. it makes me sick. and she doesn't fucking close her door so the cats get out, and every time they get out its my responsibility to corrale them back into the room. they wont let me pick them up and they like scratching so i have to be crafty. what am i fucking doing with my life? yes i fucking like cats, ok. im overjoyed to be living with cats for the first time. but some 60 year old starnge woman i dont know neglecting them in front of me, driving me to take care of them, ISNT FUCKING FUN!!!!!! we have three fucking dogs in this house and while theyre kind to cats the cats dont fucking like them so not only do the cats need kept away from me and my mom, but they need kept away from the dogs as well. my mom is even more allergic to cats than i am, which is why im the only one who takes any care of them when my roommate is away. and yes, this lady moving in was my MOMS winning idea!!! wow!!!! shes making everything so much harder for us and i cant express my concerns without risk of being screamed at and humiliated. just now i was trying to get ready for bed and i hear our fucking beagle yelp and my roommate yell and i have to get up out of fucking bed to deal with it bcs i cant trust her to do anything and my moms at work. im tired of this im so fucking tired of it all. im being forced to deal with all of this against my will.
i didn't want to put anything about this specific situation here, but ill make it brief. aside from the problems im having within my own home, i fear my own friendships are wearing thin and are nearing an endgame. i feel like im getting flashbacks to my previous friend group. im a lousy friend. a lousy anything. i suck at being a boyfriend, i suck at being a friend, im truly horrible at being anything. ive spent so much of my time alone, and i know its where im better off. i crave human affection, but i never get it the way i want it. and that makes me a picky, selfish idiotic cunt. im emotionally immature, aggressive, rude. its times like these i wish i could just end it all, go back to who i was. go back to hellish loneliness, emptiness. at least when i was alone i didn't have to fear constant judgement. i didn't have to fear hurting others. i could just wallow in my idiocy alone, and choke on it and die.
TW: self harm
i never understood what drove people to self harm. it was always something i felt like id never end up in, and i probably still wont....if im strong enough. but this year was the first time i genuinely understood why people self harm, and i wanted to. this is the only time ive opened up about it, and i hope i dont have to talk about it again. but i fear how easy it'd be for me if i found a razor. im scared of pain, and i would do a lot to avoid it. but ive been in a special kind of self hating hell for the past year and a half, and i feel like it could be getting worse. i know for a lot of people, self harm is unthinkably bad, and its not something you should even think about. but now i know why people do it. and i hope im strong enough not to start doing it myself. i just want my hell to be over.
eating: mini reeses cup
i wont lie, i am once again nearing my wits end. at this point, i have to wonder if my wits have an end. my mom forces me to live with a woman i dont know with her 2 cats for nearly a year (will be this July) and said woman ditches the house for days on end leaving her cats neglected and assuming i, some kid she doesn't fucking know, whos allergic to cats, will take care of them. just blatantly taking advantage of how much i care for animals. it makes me sick. and she doesn't fucking close her door so the cats get out, and every time they get out its my responsibility to corrale them back into the room. they wont let me pick them up and they like scratching so i have to be crafty. what am i fucking doing with my life? yes i fucking like cats, ok. im overjoyed to be living with cats for the first time. but some 60 year old starnge woman i dont know neglecting them in front of me, driving me to take care of them, ISNT FUCKING FUN!!!!!! we have three fucking dogs in this house and while theyre kind to cats the cats dont fucking like them so not only do the cats need kept away from me and my mom, but they need kept away from the dogs as well. my mom is even more allergic to cats than i am, which is why im the only one who takes any care of them when my roommate is away. and yes, this lady moving in was my MOMS winning idea!!! wow!!!! shes making everything so much harder for us and i cant express my concerns without risk of being screamed at and humiliated. just now i was trying to get ready for bed and i hear our fucking beagle yelp and my roommate yell and i have to get up out of fucking bed to deal with it bcs i cant trust her to do anything and my moms at work. im tired of this im so fucking tired of it all. im being forced to deal with all of this against my will.
i didn't want to put anything about this specific situation here, but ill make it brief. aside from the problems im having within my own home, i fear my own friendships are wearing thin and are nearing an endgame. i feel like im getting flashbacks to my previous friend group. im a lousy friend. a lousy anything. i suck at being a boyfriend, i suck at being a friend, im truly horrible at being anything. ive spent so much of my time alone, and i know its where im better off. i crave human affection, but i never get it the way i want it. and that makes me a picky, selfish idiotic cunt. im emotionally immature, aggressive, rude. its times like these i wish i could just end it all, go back to who i was. go back to hellish loneliness, emptiness. at least when i was alone i didn't have to fear constant judgement. i didn't have to fear hurting others. i could just wallow in my idiocy alone, and choke on it and die.
TW: self harm
i never understood what drove people to self harm. it was always something i felt like id never end up in, and i probably still wont....if im strong enough. but this year was the first time i genuinely understood why people self harm, and i wanted to. this is the only time ive opened up about it, and i hope i dont have to talk about it again. but i fear how easy it'd be for me if i found a razor. im scared of pain, and i would do a lot to avoid it. but ive been in a special kind of self hating hell for the past year and a half, and i feel like it could be getting worse. i know for a lot of people, self harm is unthinkably bad, and its not something you should even think about. but now i know why people do it. and i hope im strong enough not to start doing it myself. i just want my hell to be over.
01/17/25..............dont mean maybe
i will never understand the overwhelming, really common and incessant hatred of polyamorous people. its disgusting to me the way people hate them. its something ive never been able to understand, something ive never been able to truly agree with. bigots and queer people alike all dogpile polyamorous people constantly, shunning them and ostracizing them. it makes me so sick. since i entered queer and progressive spaces online so many years ago, it was always an unspoken rule to hate polyamorous people and judge them. i will truly never understand it.
recently on TikTok theres been a meme going around that basically is just making fun of poly people, and one poly person specifically. some fuckhead made a TikTok saying "why do all poly people look like that" and it was stitched by a poly person with an unconventional appearance asking "what do you mean by that?" and everyone jumped to make fun of them and turn it into a joke, because to everyone THEY looked like the poly people in question. THEY looked like the made up stereotype. the bottom line is, when you think to yourself "why do poly people look like that?" when you see others asking that question, youre all asking the same thing. even if you deny it, you are asking the same question. "why are poly people so ugly?" thats what youre asking yourself. why be quiet about it? why ignore how you truly feel? youre only avoiding true responsibility. just say it out loud, you find ALL poly people ugly. we all know you do. come out and say it.
for years polyamorous people have been punch lines and memes because they look "weird" and all look "that same way". typically theyre referring to fat people, people with acne, disabled people, or just people who look "weird", thats all theyre talking about. its not like theres some abstract thing they cant put their finger on, they all know deep down theyre describing unconventional people. ugly people. and everyone always laughs, shrugs it off, agrees, spews the joke to everyone else over and over like a dead fucking horse. its disgustingly cruel how casual people are about it, how no one bats an eye. queer people and alleged allies alike will spit all kinds of activism and support and heartfelt pleas until it comes time to make fun of those goddamn ugly polys again. apparently they dont count. theyre just a little too ugly! a little too weird! eewwww!
i made a TikTok complaining about this myself, purposefully not showing my face because im fat and have acne and generally look weird, and i got several comments on it within just a few hours. i didn't even read any of them. im a pathetic wimp, i cant take confrontation or arguments. and i always get this voice in my head that tells me everyones right, and im fighting for the wrong cause. i ended up deleting it. part of me kept telling me to stand my ground, stand up for what i believed in and what was right. but its hard to when you remember people with so much hate in their hearts will never listen. i have a hard time feeling confident writing this now, knowing that some of the readers will probably be taunting me and making fun of me in their heads as they read.
why is being ugly such a crime? why is being unconventional and unsightly such a crime? why is it so widely accepted, so casually shared, to torture those we dont like merely looking at? i hate this world, i hate this society. i hate that i live in it as an ugly unsightly unconventional person, just like all the others they torture. i hate that i refuse to show my face anywhere openly because i know ill become a target of this kind of hatred. what really makes the whole thing feel so ironic is that so many of the people who are dogpiling polyamorous people for being "ugly", fit the stereotype they themselves created. our parents were right when they said those mean to us were just insecure. "why do poly people all look like that?" what, like you? why do they all look like you? do you feel ashamed when you look in the mirror? are you afraid of what you see? has someone hurt you?
recently on TikTok theres been a meme going around that basically is just making fun of poly people, and one poly person specifically. some fuckhead made a TikTok saying "why do all poly people look like that" and it was stitched by a poly person with an unconventional appearance asking "what do you mean by that?" and everyone jumped to make fun of them and turn it into a joke, because to everyone THEY looked like the poly people in question. THEY looked like the made up stereotype. the bottom line is, when you think to yourself "why do poly people look like that?" when you see others asking that question, youre all asking the same thing. even if you deny it, you are asking the same question. "why are poly people so ugly?" thats what youre asking yourself. why be quiet about it? why ignore how you truly feel? youre only avoiding true responsibility. just say it out loud, you find ALL poly people ugly. we all know you do. come out and say it.
for years polyamorous people have been punch lines and memes because they look "weird" and all look "that same way". typically theyre referring to fat people, people with acne, disabled people, or just people who look "weird", thats all theyre talking about. its not like theres some abstract thing they cant put their finger on, they all know deep down theyre describing unconventional people. ugly people. and everyone always laughs, shrugs it off, agrees, spews the joke to everyone else over and over like a dead fucking horse. its disgustingly cruel how casual people are about it, how no one bats an eye. queer people and alleged allies alike will spit all kinds of activism and support and heartfelt pleas until it comes time to make fun of those goddamn ugly polys again. apparently they dont count. theyre just a little too ugly! a little too weird! eewwww!
i made a TikTok complaining about this myself, purposefully not showing my face because im fat and have acne and generally look weird, and i got several comments on it within just a few hours. i didn't even read any of them. im a pathetic wimp, i cant take confrontation or arguments. and i always get this voice in my head that tells me everyones right, and im fighting for the wrong cause. i ended up deleting it. part of me kept telling me to stand my ground, stand up for what i believed in and what was right. but its hard to when you remember people with so much hate in their hearts will never listen. i have a hard time feeling confident writing this now, knowing that some of the readers will probably be taunting me and making fun of me in their heads as they read.
why is being ugly such a crime? why is being unconventional and unsightly such a crime? why is it so widely accepted, so casually shared, to torture those we dont like merely looking at? i hate this world, i hate this society. i hate that i live in it as an ugly unsightly unconventional person, just like all the others they torture. i hate that i refuse to show my face anywhere openly because i know ill become a target of this kind of hatred. what really makes the whole thing feel so ironic is that so many of the people who are dogpiling polyamorous people for being "ugly", fit the stereotype they themselves created. our parents were right when they said those mean to us were just insecure. "why do poly people all look like that?" what, like you? why do they all look like you? do you feel ashamed when you look in the mirror? are you afraid of what you see? has someone hurt you?
12/30/24.................the night santa went crazy
listening to: bad hair day - weird al
they dont lie about the days btwn christmas and new years being torture. literally december 26th hit and i immediately felt suicidal and weirdly enough shit kept happening to me after to just make me more and more suicidal. frankly im miserable! i cant take it i dont even know what to put here just that i wish i were dead. ugh...this is so embarrassing but i have to stress i do not want to actually do it...im not going to end my own life....no matter how much i wish i could. its less an ending of life and more wanting it to not be like this.
these past few days ive been miserably self loathing and embarrassed to even fucking exist, crying alone in bed and forcing myself to fall asleep because i had nothing else to do. i dont have anything else to do right now either! im about to play roblox after i post this. and then hopefully ill get tired and have a good nights sleep. dad made dinner and i hated it but this time it wasnt inherently his fault bcs it was all frozen garbage. you could argue its his fault for choosing to cook frozen garbage in the first place, but we're VERY POOR (in case you forgot) so we cant really help that. i felt really guilty walking upstairs with no plate and saying "i didnt like it", i wasnt lying, i really didnt. he has guilt tripped me about not eating food i dont like for my whole life, and now im 20 and i cant fucking stand the guilt i feel when i dont eat something.
my rooms getting messy again and its just like. jesus christ dude you spent 3 hours cleaning it only to let it get worse again youre sooo fucking incompetent and uncaring and lazy. i. god i feel like a broken record, dont you understand now why i keep saying i want to die? like nothing else has enouhg punch. nothing else represents truly how bad all this idiotic shit makes me feel truly. i just want it to end. i want to be happy i want to only know mild inconvenience. my suffering comes in layers and it snowballs and every time i break down its because one more layer was added and its reminded me just how bad its gotten and how its going to continue to be. its hard to feel optimistic for 2025 for a laundry list of reasons, but nonetheless i hope it turns out well. i hope im happy next year. even if i dont believe i will, even if it seems like i wont. my new years resolution is to survive. not for anyone elses benefit but mine...
hes not gonna like this when he reads this but my boyfriends been busy all weekend and it has really fucking upset me and made me really pissed off. not at him...and its not fair for me to be pissed off about it in the first place because he had no real say in being busy, but it has really fucking hurt me nonetheless and im trying not to cry about it while i type this. i dont think the week after christmas wouldve been as bad if he wasnt busy and i dont want to tell him directly because i know it would kill him and make him feel guilty, and youre probably thinking like if you know he reads this why are you even saying it BECAUSE IF I KEEP MY EMOTIONS BOTTLED UP ILL JUST KEEP CRYING IN SILENCE AND FORCING MYSELF TO SLEEP!!!! UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! who am i even defending myself from? i cant take this anymore. bye.
they dont lie about the days btwn christmas and new years being torture. literally december 26th hit and i immediately felt suicidal and weirdly enough shit kept happening to me after to just make me more and more suicidal. frankly im miserable! i cant take it i dont even know what to put here just that i wish i were dead. ugh...this is so embarrassing but i have to stress i do not want to actually do it...im not going to end my own life....no matter how much i wish i could. its less an ending of life and more wanting it to not be like this.
these past few days ive been miserably self loathing and embarrassed to even fucking exist, crying alone in bed and forcing myself to fall asleep because i had nothing else to do. i dont have anything else to do right now either! im about to play roblox after i post this. and then hopefully ill get tired and have a good nights sleep. dad made dinner and i hated it but this time it wasnt inherently his fault bcs it was all frozen garbage. you could argue its his fault for choosing to cook frozen garbage in the first place, but we're VERY POOR (in case you forgot) so we cant really help that. i felt really guilty walking upstairs with no plate and saying "i didnt like it", i wasnt lying, i really didnt. he has guilt tripped me about not eating food i dont like for my whole life, and now im 20 and i cant fucking stand the guilt i feel when i dont eat something.
my rooms getting messy again and its just like. jesus christ dude you spent 3 hours cleaning it only to let it get worse again youre sooo fucking incompetent and uncaring and lazy. i. god i feel like a broken record, dont you understand now why i keep saying i want to die? like nothing else has enouhg punch. nothing else represents truly how bad all this idiotic shit makes me feel truly. i just want it to end. i want to be happy i want to only know mild inconvenience. my suffering comes in layers and it snowballs and every time i break down its because one more layer was added and its reminded me just how bad its gotten and how its going to continue to be. its hard to feel optimistic for 2025 for a laundry list of reasons, but nonetheless i hope it turns out well. i hope im happy next year. even if i dont believe i will, even if it seems like i wont. my new years resolution is to survive. not for anyone elses benefit but mine...
hes not gonna like this when he reads this but my boyfriends been busy all weekend and it has really fucking upset me and made me really pissed off. not at him...and its not fair for me to be pissed off about it in the first place because he had no real say in being busy, but it has really fucking hurt me nonetheless and im trying not to cry about it while i type this. i dont think the week after christmas wouldve been as bad if he wasnt busy and i dont want to tell him directly because i know it would kill him and make him feel guilty, and youre probably thinking like if you know he reads this why are you even saying it BECAUSE IF I KEEP MY EMOTIONS BOTTLED UP ILL JUST KEEP CRYING IN SILENCE AND FORCING MYSELF TO SLEEP!!!! UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! who am i even defending myself from? i cant take this anymore. bye.
12/18/24.................gadabout
im writing this downstairs freezing cold waiting to get into the bathroom to pee (an ordeal i experience at a daily basis at this point) i didn't bring my phone with me as i thought i wouldn't have to. how wrong i was ! i brought my laptop with me bcs i had plans to eat and watch family guy down here on the coffee table after i had peed. and then eventually id go back upstairs. obviously thats not working out so im writing this to pass the time. i like typing on a laptop keyboard, it scratches my little autistic brain and is really satisfying. frankly i dont know hat to write about. which is funny bcs earlier there were all kinds of things i felt like putting here but of course i naturally forgot.
i really would like to continue work on the site sometime after the new year, or before. its overwhelming looking at all the different neocities sites there are and realizing i could never compare to how good all of them are. its like ohhh maybe i could do this, and this, and all of this. but could i really? even if i did it would just look bad, like a cheap copy. i can never settle on what i want for anything. my online presence has been truly withered down to the stem due to circumstances ive detailed here in the past. its hard to create an image im satisfied with anymore. i want this site to be everyhthing ive hoped it could be, but i dont believe in my ability to bring that into fruition.
im really nervous about January. i think everyones ignoring it because no one wants to face it, but Januarys going to be really scary. obviously, im referring to the election. everything is really scary right now and i dont really have a support system to comfort me or make me feel safe in these circumstances. my parents dont take anything seriously. and now that im 20 i have a feeling im going to be hearing a lot of "you're too old for this." i haven't even been behind the wheel. holy shit im 20 without an id! i just realized that. jesus fucking christ thats insanely depressing. 20 without a fucking id. my dog is drinking water really fucking loudly while i type this nad its making me want to break my laptop. goddammit.
so while im nervous about January, i still want the holidays to be over. im tired of constant wondering and anticipation as if i dont know for a fact everything will be underwhelming and awful like it always is. i wish i could let go of this "but what if its good this time...?" mentality. it wont fucking be good this time!!!! ever!!!! give it up!!! especially not this year of all years i mean use your fucking head!!! not like i ever actually do that
im thinking of starting an art project where i illustrate every star trek man as classic 50s pinup illustrations. i think its a really interesting display of my own interests and what i find Good and i think its also just Different in a fun way. i did the first piece, which was obviously of the doctor, but idk if ill expand and actually do every series. ill admit, its unlikely. but there are tons of things farther and more impossible than me drawing 15 different men in sexual poses. ive already drawn plenty of men in sexual poses!
im still writing and im still not in this bathroom. im going to fucking lose it. jesus christ.
i really would like to continue work on the site sometime after the new year, or before. its overwhelming looking at all the different neocities sites there are and realizing i could never compare to how good all of them are. its like ohhh maybe i could do this, and this, and all of this. but could i really? even if i did it would just look bad, like a cheap copy. i can never settle on what i want for anything. my online presence has been truly withered down to the stem due to circumstances ive detailed here in the past. its hard to create an image im satisfied with anymore. i want this site to be everyhthing ive hoped it could be, but i dont believe in my ability to bring that into fruition.
im really nervous about January. i think everyones ignoring it because no one wants to face it, but Januarys going to be really scary. obviously, im referring to the election. everything is really scary right now and i dont really have a support system to comfort me or make me feel safe in these circumstances. my parents dont take anything seriously. and now that im 20 i have a feeling im going to be hearing a lot of "you're too old for this." i haven't even been behind the wheel. holy shit im 20 without an id! i just realized that. jesus fucking christ thats insanely depressing. 20 without a fucking id. my dog is drinking water really fucking loudly while i type this nad its making me want to break my laptop. goddammit.
so while im nervous about January, i still want the holidays to be over. im tired of constant wondering and anticipation as if i dont know for a fact everything will be underwhelming and awful like it always is. i wish i could let go of this "but what if its good this time...?" mentality. it wont fucking be good this time!!!! ever!!!! give it up!!! especially not this year of all years i mean use your fucking head!!! not like i ever actually do that
im thinking of starting an art project where i illustrate every star trek man as classic 50s pinup illustrations. i think its a really interesting display of my own interests and what i find Good and i think its also just Different in a fun way. i did the first piece, which was obviously of the doctor, but idk if ill expand and actually do every series. ill admit, its unlikely. but there are tons of things farther and more impossible than me drawing 15 different men in sexual poses. ive already drawn plenty of men in sexual poses!
im still writing and im still not in this bathroom. im going to fucking lose it. jesus christ.
12/17/24.................dick around
listening to: squeeze
drinking: mean bean java monster
my birthday was 3 days ago, on the 14th. it was fine. i had c hinese takeout, my (second) favorite, and watched a few movies with my friends. we watched the Darjeeling limited, the man with two brains, and my bf and i watched stargate (the movie) alone. it was pretty good. my cake was fine. it had too much icing on it but it was better than the last few years. i didn't get many birthday presents. i got a cardigan, a pair of shoes, nail care stuff, candy (most of which i dont really like) and um. a few other useless things. i dont mean to sound ungrateful, im getting old (20!) and shouldn't ask for so much now. my dad also gave me 100 dollars to spend online which only got me FOUR THINGS if that tells you anything. i got the tim wright marble hornets plush for 40, a pair of earrings for i think like 15 a slime for 15 and an xtc tshirt for like 29. those would've meant more if they were surprises from my parents, but they never know what i actually want and what i like. next year i guess ill be buying all my own gifts. i dont think ill ever stop doing that. im a very self absorbed person and i love my birthday bcs it gives me an excuse to act exactly how i feel 99 percent of the time but cant bcs thats selfish and mean. my roommate also got me stuff but it wasn't anything to write home about, not that im expecting anything from her bcs i barely know her and she holds no obligation towards me. well maybe she does a little, i take care of her cats.
ive been dealing with ongoing back pain while sitting down at my desk. its gotten better than it was before, but its still there. im hoping it goes away eventually, but its been awhile now. like 2 weeks, at the most. and i know why its happening...i dont DO anything. i dont walk, i dont go outside, im not active in the slightest. the most physical movement i have is going up the stairs. you could say this is my fault, and maybe it is, but a lot of it is my mom doesn't like me going outside alone to walk and she wont take me to any gyms either nor will she come with me outside. so im like triple fucked. i can only hope someday ill actually get out there and not be a withering bag of dust
Christmas is coming up of course. i love Christmas. i love the lights, the decorations, the music, the movies, the feel. i always have and i always will, even when the past few Christmases were lame. except for 2020, that was a really good Christmas...which is ironic, considering. im praying for a Christmas just like it this year. i need to make sure my parents dont give me any fucking mint on Christmas. im so tired of mint candy i used to love it but ive had so much of it these past few years i just cant do it anymore!!!!!!!!!!! i have a bag of andes mints, a bag of puff peppermints, and a bag of thin mints sitting in my room relatively untouched bcs WHO IS GONNA EAT ALL THAT MINT???? OHHH MY GODD!!!! parents are a class act in getting you loads of something you only sort of liked in the first damn place. ugghhh!!!!
that large sum of money i mentioned in a previous blog post sitll has not befell me. by the way. with the way my stupid fucking life plays out, i probably wont ever get it. such is the way of Jackie.
okay bye. what day is it today? im tired of eating my dads cooking. i want the weekend here already.
drinking: mean bean java monster
my birthday was 3 days ago, on the 14th. it was fine. i had c hinese takeout, my (second) favorite, and watched a few movies with my friends. we watched the Darjeeling limited, the man with two brains, and my bf and i watched stargate (the movie) alone. it was pretty good. my cake was fine. it had too much icing on it but it was better than the last few years. i didn't get many birthday presents. i got a cardigan, a pair of shoes, nail care stuff, candy (most of which i dont really like) and um. a few other useless things. i dont mean to sound ungrateful, im getting old (20!) and shouldn't ask for so much now. my dad also gave me 100 dollars to spend online which only got me FOUR THINGS if that tells you anything. i got the tim wright marble hornets plush for 40, a pair of earrings for i think like 15 a slime for 15 and an xtc tshirt for like 29. those would've meant more if they were surprises from my parents, but they never know what i actually want and what i like. next year i guess ill be buying all my own gifts. i dont think ill ever stop doing that. im a very self absorbed person and i love my birthday bcs it gives me an excuse to act exactly how i feel 99 percent of the time but cant bcs thats selfish and mean. my roommate also got me stuff but it wasn't anything to write home about, not that im expecting anything from her bcs i barely know her and she holds no obligation towards me. well maybe she does a little, i take care of her cats.
ive been dealing with ongoing back pain while sitting down at my desk. its gotten better than it was before, but its still there. im hoping it goes away eventually, but its been awhile now. like 2 weeks, at the most. and i know why its happening...i dont DO anything. i dont walk, i dont go outside, im not active in the slightest. the most physical movement i have is going up the stairs. you could say this is my fault, and maybe it is, but a lot of it is my mom doesn't like me going outside alone to walk and she wont take me to any gyms either nor will she come with me outside. so im like triple fucked. i can only hope someday ill actually get out there and not be a withering bag of dust
Christmas is coming up of course. i love Christmas. i love the lights, the decorations, the music, the movies, the feel. i always have and i always will, even when the past few Christmases were lame. except for 2020, that was a really good Christmas...which is ironic, considering. im praying for a Christmas just like it this year. i need to make sure my parents dont give me any fucking mint on Christmas. im so tired of mint candy i used to love it but ive had so much of it these past few years i just cant do it anymore!!!!!!!!!!! i have a bag of andes mints, a bag of puff peppermints, and a bag of thin mints sitting in my room relatively untouched bcs WHO IS GONNA EAT ALL THAT MINT???? OHHH MY GODD!!!! parents are a class act in getting you loads of something you only sort of liked in the first damn place. ugghhh!!!!
that large sum of money i mentioned in a previous blog post sitll has not befell me. by the way. with the way my stupid fucking life plays out, i probably wont ever get it. such is the way of Jackie.
okay bye. what day is it today? im tired of eating my dads cooking. i want the weekend here already.
11/24/24.................art for arts sake
watching: vargskelethor
hello! my birthday is less than a week away and thanksgiving is soon. my family has recently come into a large sum of money that will basically make me no longer constitute as poor. which has been very very exciting and a little scary. fingers crossed for a great holiday season. we should be moving out of this hell house early next year. im really looking forward to that. ive been eating out like ALL WEEKEND. its ridiculous. we had my favorite place, buffalo wild wings, on...Monday or Tuesday idk i cant remember. i purchased a toy of my favorite star trek character and the character i selfship with, the doctor!! im so excited to get him!!! now that im closer to getting disposable income, i really want to start a shrine to him and maybe even get an itabag...he means the world to me. it would be cute to make an itabag just of trading cards and postcards of him. thats like the only merch he got aside from 4 toys of some kind (a plastic diorama, a Christmas ornament, an action figure, and the doll i have in the mail.) i also really want a signature (or two) from his actor, Robert picardo. i actually love Robert picardo SO much ive watched other stuff hes in just to see him. hes a very handsome guy. and very charismatic too i think.
my room has been a depressing misery inducing mess for more than 6 months and ive been trying to get my mom to help me this entire time. and its literally like pulling teeth. i know its my fault the rooms like this and i feel like a disgusting piece of shit for even letting it get like that in the first place but damn you agree to help me clean it for 6 months and you still haven't fucking done it? and now my birthday is in less than a week and Christmas is soon and i barely can even walk in my room nor can i see the floor. honestly, thinking about it now is making me want to scream and cry but im choking it back bcs crying hurts. if my room is still like this before my birthday, i will be so fucking miserable. more than i already am. god. im so upset. breathe in breathe out. i dont want to cryyyy i fucking hate crying. crying hurts its embarrassing and taxing and exhausting. and i have to stare at this room and realize that it probably wont get clean until i just do it all myself even though my mom has admitted several times i cant do it alone. just typing this is making me feel worse. and i thought itd make me feel better. i want to scream bloody murder and tear my skin off. lol!
im working on a star trek fanfic i really want to get finished and polished and uploaded somewhere. it would be my first uploaded writing. its between tom paris and the doctor, and im actually really proud of how its coming but...god is writing such a fucking hassle. more than drawing. im kind of embarrassed of the pairing bcs it is not remotely popular or recognized or even enjoyed in the fandom and its definitely gross and cringe to everyone else. its not like a creepy problematic ship or anything. they are just not compatible to anyone. but me. i see the vision in my heart. maybe theyre not actually gross and cringe and i just have ocd. i dont fucking know...but i really want to get that damn thing out im tired of it sitting open on my laptop rotting away. ok im done writing. when will i ever be in a good fucking mood. i want this damn money!
hello! my birthday is less than a week away and thanksgiving is soon. my family has recently come into a large sum of money that will basically make me no longer constitute as poor. which has been very very exciting and a little scary. fingers crossed for a great holiday season. we should be moving out of this hell house early next year. im really looking forward to that. ive been eating out like ALL WEEKEND. its ridiculous. we had my favorite place, buffalo wild wings, on...Monday or Tuesday idk i cant remember. i purchased a toy of my favorite star trek character and the character i selfship with, the doctor!! im so excited to get him!!! now that im closer to getting disposable income, i really want to start a shrine to him and maybe even get an itabag...he means the world to me. it would be cute to make an itabag just of trading cards and postcards of him. thats like the only merch he got aside from 4 toys of some kind (a plastic diorama, a Christmas ornament, an action figure, and the doll i have in the mail.) i also really want a signature (or two) from his actor, Robert picardo. i actually love Robert picardo SO much ive watched other stuff hes in just to see him. hes a very handsome guy. and very charismatic too i think.
my room has been a depressing misery inducing mess for more than 6 months and ive been trying to get my mom to help me this entire time. and its literally like pulling teeth. i know its my fault the rooms like this and i feel like a disgusting piece of shit for even letting it get like that in the first place but damn you agree to help me clean it for 6 months and you still haven't fucking done it? and now my birthday is in less than a week and Christmas is soon and i barely can even walk in my room nor can i see the floor. honestly, thinking about it now is making me want to scream and cry but im choking it back bcs crying hurts. if my room is still like this before my birthday, i will be so fucking miserable. more than i already am. god. im so upset. breathe in breathe out. i dont want to cryyyy i fucking hate crying. crying hurts its embarrassing and taxing and exhausting. and i have to stare at this room and realize that it probably wont get clean until i just do it all myself even though my mom has admitted several times i cant do it alone. just typing this is making me feel worse. and i thought itd make me feel better. i want to scream bloody murder and tear my skin off. lol!
im working on a star trek fanfic i really want to get finished and polished and uploaded somewhere. it would be my first uploaded writing. its between tom paris and the doctor, and im actually really proud of how its coming but...god is writing such a fucking hassle. more than drawing. im kind of embarrassed of the pairing bcs it is not remotely popular or recognized or even enjoyed in the fandom and its definitely gross and cringe to everyone else. its not like a creepy problematic ship or anything. they are just not compatible to anyone. but me. i see the vision in my heart. maybe theyre not actually gross and cringe and i just have ocd. i dont fucking know...but i really want to get that damn thing out im tired of it sitting open on my laptop rotting away. ok im done writing. when will i ever be in a good fucking mood. i want this damn money!
11/02/24.....this ones bad
watching: vinesauce
i had a horrible halloween. i slept in the entire day without meaning to. and that morning both of my legs, my head, and my teeth hurt like hell in the most synchronized manner possible. it was truly living hell in the most literal way. i didn't celebrate halloween until 10pm. im glad all of my friends were there to make it a little better, but it still hurts even now how badly i ruined my halloween. i bawled my eyes out the moment i woke up. i put on my stupid fucking costume that i looked fucking stupid in. and i just felt like a failure. felt useless. felt futile. none of the candy was any good, either. i found myself less willing to eat any candy at all because it made me sick or made my mouth feel gross. my dad didn't even get me a pumpkin to carve. i told him weeks in advance to get a pumpkin. the moment he FINALLY remembered to get one (THE DAY OF HALLOWEEN) there weren't any. who would've thought, lol!!!!!!
but then halloween ended. and i spent my night and the first of November seeing how much fun everybody else had, and how i didn't because im a fucking idiot who ruins everything even for myself. i slept all day on the first. i tried to stay up but i got sick to my stomach and in trying to rest i accidentally slept the entire day. lol!! again!!!!!!!!
did i sleep all day today, too? yes! i dont know whats wrong with me. every now and then i go through some sort of phase where i literally sleep nonstop. and i sleep more than im awake. its fucking irritating when i try to stay up and enjoy myself and do things i like doing only to get exhausted and fatigued, ultimately ruining everything i wanted to do. ive wanted to draw so many things the past few days and i just couldn't because i was too tired.
today was almost fine. it was almost just Okay. but then dinner came. i cant tell you how many times in my idiotic life that my dads cooking has ruined my day. this is just another one of those countless times where that complete useless incompetent idiot ruined my day once again. i make a plate. it starts with the pasta salad. no croutons. this asshole practically begged me to make him a grocery list he refused to go to the store until i made him a list bcs i was asleep all day. so i, having just woke up, make this idiot a list. i say, get pasta salad, DONT FORGET CROUTONS. on the list explicitly. too bad hes blind and he'll never listen to me even on my death bed, so my pasta salad has no croutons. this was a minor setback. i roll my eyes and get along with it. i put some pasta salad on my plate anyways. and then...i get a fork...you know, to eat the pasta salad with. but wait! the sick is full! and the dish drainer and drawer are empty! no forks are clean! no forks are even visible in the sink. i sit for a minute, in stewing anger. i grab my plate and walk off to my room. no fork. apparently my demeanor was clear enough so my dad asks as im walking past, "are you mad at me?" i say, in a very frustrated voice, "there are no forks." he says "what, so you cant wash a fork?" oh i cant tell you how many times hes said this to me when i told him there were no clean silverware. i cannot fucking tell you. how many times. hes said this. im not digging my hand into a full sink of slimy, dirty, unwashed dishes covered in food to get a fork. im not doing that. what so i can clean the fork and wash my hands, and then my foods cold? oh my god it makes me so mad, it makes me want to cry with anger, it makes me see red, i want to strangle him it makes me so fucking mad. i genuinely cannot fucking put into accurate words how much it makes me mad. i dont reply. i dont say anything to him. i go upstairs. i overhear him saying "jesus fucking christ" as i leave. just thinking about it, just recounting it, is making me angry. im trying not to scream and bawl my eyes out in anger over it. i hate him. i hate him so fucking much. i hate him. i hate him so much i hate him more than i could ever hate. i put my plate dpown on my desk and take a bite of the frozen chicken tenders he cooked. they were fucking disgusting. i barely got the first bite down. realizing i just brought a plate of inedible food to my bedroom, i delegate. do i leave this to rot like all of the other rotting food i already have in here, or do i take it downstairs? i took it downstairs. i was not willing to have more food rot in my room this time. i put the tenders back on the stove and throw the plate away. i go back upstairs and cry a little. trying to choke it back. its not the food. its not the croutons. its not the fork. hell, its not even the way my deadbeat piece of shit incompetent idiotic dad treated me. its the life. its the snowballing. its the continuing. its the patterns. its the unending. its the spiraling. its that it keeps going. i dont want to cry. i hate crying because it hurts. it takes so much out of me to cry. it never makes me feel better. it just hurts. it hurts to cry. but im so fucking angry. im filled with so much unmitigated anger, i cant manage it, i cant face it, i cant come to terms with it. the only thing i want to do is hurt someone. i wish i was shot with a tranquilizer. i wish i was put in a jacket and locked away. i want out. i want it to end. i want it to be over. all of it. please. please make it end.
i had a horrible halloween. i slept in the entire day without meaning to. and that morning both of my legs, my head, and my teeth hurt like hell in the most synchronized manner possible. it was truly living hell in the most literal way. i didn't celebrate halloween until 10pm. im glad all of my friends were there to make it a little better, but it still hurts even now how badly i ruined my halloween. i bawled my eyes out the moment i woke up. i put on my stupid fucking costume that i looked fucking stupid in. and i just felt like a failure. felt useless. felt futile. none of the candy was any good, either. i found myself less willing to eat any candy at all because it made me sick or made my mouth feel gross. my dad didn't even get me a pumpkin to carve. i told him weeks in advance to get a pumpkin. the moment he FINALLY remembered to get one (THE DAY OF HALLOWEEN) there weren't any. who would've thought, lol!!!!!!
but then halloween ended. and i spent my night and the first of November seeing how much fun everybody else had, and how i didn't because im a fucking idiot who ruins everything even for myself. i slept all day on the first. i tried to stay up but i got sick to my stomach and in trying to rest i accidentally slept the entire day. lol!! again!!!!!!!!
did i sleep all day today, too? yes! i dont know whats wrong with me. every now and then i go through some sort of phase where i literally sleep nonstop. and i sleep more than im awake. its fucking irritating when i try to stay up and enjoy myself and do things i like doing only to get exhausted and fatigued, ultimately ruining everything i wanted to do. ive wanted to draw so many things the past few days and i just couldn't because i was too tired.
today was almost fine. it was almost just Okay. but then dinner came. i cant tell you how many times in my idiotic life that my dads cooking has ruined my day. this is just another one of those countless times where that complete useless incompetent idiot ruined my day once again. i make a plate. it starts with the pasta salad. no croutons. this asshole practically begged me to make him a grocery list he refused to go to the store until i made him a list bcs i was asleep all day. so i, having just woke up, make this idiot a list. i say, get pasta salad, DONT FORGET CROUTONS. on the list explicitly. too bad hes blind and he'll never listen to me even on my death bed, so my pasta salad has no croutons. this was a minor setback. i roll my eyes and get along with it. i put some pasta salad on my plate anyways. and then...i get a fork...you know, to eat the pasta salad with. but wait! the sick is full! and the dish drainer and drawer are empty! no forks are clean! no forks are even visible in the sink. i sit for a minute, in stewing anger. i grab my plate and walk off to my room. no fork. apparently my demeanor was clear enough so my dad asks as im walking past, "are you mad at me?" i say, in a very frustrated voice, "there are no forks." he says "what, so you cant wash a fork?" oh i cant tell you how many times hes said this to me when i told him there were no clean silverware. i cannot fucking tell you. how many times. hes said this. im not digging my hand into a full sink of slimy, dirty, unwashed dishes covered in food to get a fork. im not doing that. what so i can clean the fork and wash my hands, and then my foods cold? oh my god it makes me so mad, it makes me want to cry with anger, it makes me see red, i want to strangle him it makes me so fucking mad. i genuinely cannot fucking put into accurate words how much it makes me mad. i dont reply. i dont say anything to him. i go upstairs. i overhear him saying "jesus fucking christ" as i leave. just thinking about it, just recounting it, is making me angry. im trying not to scream and bawl my eyes out in anger over it. i hate him. i hate him so fucking much. i hate him. i hate him so much i hate him more than i could ever hate. i put my plate dpown on my desk and take a bite of the frozen chicken tenders he cooked. they were fucking disgusting. i barely got the first bite down. realizing i just brought a plate of inedible food to my bedroom, i delegate. do i leave this to rot like all of the other rotting food i already have in here, or do i take it downstairs? i took it downstairs. i was not willing to have more food rot in my room this time. i put the tenders back on the stove and throw the plate away. i go back upstairs and cry a little. trying to choke it back. its not the food. its not the croutons. its not the fork. hell, its not even the way my deadbeat piece of shit incompetent idiotic dad treated me. its the life. its the snowballing. its the continuing. its the patterns. its the unending. its the spiraling. its that it keeps going. i dont want to cry. i hate crying because it hurts. it takes so much out of me to cry. it never makes me feel better. it just hurts. it hurts to cry. but im so fucking angry. im filled with so much unmitigated anger, i cant manage it, i cant face it, i cant come to terms with it. the only thing i want to do is hurt someone. i wish i was shot with a tranquilizer. i wish i was put in a jacket and locked away. i want out. i want it to end. i want it to be over. all of it. please. please make it end.
10/22/24.....i watched you change....
listening to: an oc playlist
its nearly halloween! my plans are pretty simple. im dressing up as the narrator from fight club, and my boyfriend is gonna be tyler durden. we're long distance but it still counts. then me, him, and our two friends are gonna watch killer klowns from outerspace. its a tradition! and i will hopefully eat plenty of candy. i wanna make cakepops with my mom too, but who knows if that will come to fruition. eyeroll. i got my haircut for my narrator costume but the haircut has really killed my confidence and made me feel so ugly. its not a bad haircut, its just not meant for my fat face. it makes the costume work though.
im waiting for my dad to cook dinner and im praying its actually good. most of the time his food sucks but sometimes on a rare occassion its good. i really wanna try the chicken big mac. hopefully sometime tomorrow or this weekend.
this past week ive gotten really into family guy. dont laugh. dont cringe. please. its mostly ironic. i really like it though the early seasons are genuinely really funny IM SORRY!!!!!!!!!!!!! i love stewie HES JUST LIKE ME!!!!!!!!!! IM SORRY!!!!!!! ive been making some fanart i wont lie some of them are so fun to draw esp brian and stewie. but i could be biased they are my favorites. i grew up watching a LOT of family guy both on tv and on dvd, the early seasons are like a big cozy nostalgia blanket for me...so many times i fell asleep with it on...family guy is greatly flawed and it has infuriated me on several occassions (i have genuinely pondered writing an entire essay about how meg represents society's hatred of teenage girls) but it has its moments. when its good its really good. sorry.
right now im typing this while on call with my boyfriend. but hes on mute. im working on a dress up doll collaboration of my oc epsilon with sugarforbrains!!!! which is really exciting and im really looking forward to getting it finished!!!!
ummm what else what else....i had culvers a few days ago and it was delicious. try it if where you live has it. I LOVE FRIED CHEESE!!!
its nearly halloween! my plans are pretty simple. im dressing up as the narrator from fight club, and my boyfriend is gonna be tyler durden. we're long distance but it still counts. then me, him, and our two friends are gonna watch killer klowns from outerspace. its a tradition! and i will hopefully eat plenty of candy. i wanna make cakepops with my mom too, but who knows if that will come to fruition. eyeroll. i got my haircut for my narrator costume but the haircut has really killed my confidence and made me feel so ugly. its not a bad haircut, its just not meant for my fat face. it makes the costume work though.
im waiting for my dad to cook dinner and im praying its actually good. most of the time his food sucks but sometimes on a rare occassion its good. i really wanna try the chicken big mac. hopefully sometime tomorrow or this weekend.
this past week ive gotten really into family guy. dont laugh. dont cringe. please. its mostly ironic. i really like it though the early seasons are genuinely really funny IM SORRY!!!!!!!!!!!!! i love stewie HES JUST LIKE ME!!!!!!!!!! IM SORRY!!!!!!! ive been making some fanart i wont lie some of them are so fun to draw esp brian and stewie. but i could be biased they are my favorites. i grew up watching a LOT of family guy both on tv and on dvd, the early seasons are like a big cozy nostalgia blanket for me...so many times i fell asleep with it on...family guy is greatly flawed and it has infuriated me on several occassions (i have genuinely pondered writing an entire essay about how meg represents society's hatred of teenage girls) but it has its moments. when its good its really good. sorry.
right now im typing this while on call with my boyfriend. but hes on mute. im working on a dress up doll collaboration of my oc epsilon with sugarforbrains!!!! which is really exciting and im really looking forward to getting it finished!!!!
ummm what else what else....i had culvers a few days ago and it was delicious. try it if where you live has it. I LOVE FRIED CHEESE!!!
09/27/24.....ILL BE MELLOW WHEN IM DEAD!
listening to: bad hair day - weird al
IM FUCKING SEEING WEIRD AL IN CONCERT!!! IM SEEING THE BIGGER AND WEIRDER CONCERT NEXT FUCKING YEAR IN JULY!!! IM SO EXCITED!!!!!! IM SO HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!! ive had a neverending history of never being able to see concerts ive planned on going to and even bought tickets to, and im FINALLY GOING!!! IM FINALLY FUCKING GOING!!!!!!! FINALLY!!!!!!!! IM SEEING WEIRD AL!!!!! everything MUST go right for me between now and july and i must see weird al with my mom and i must be happy and have a good time. im so excited im so excited im so happy, after so long of things going bad for me after the past 9 months being miserable i finally feel like things will go well for me. ill be counting down the days until july. im so excited. im so happy. nothing else matters. nothing else will ever matter. im seeing weird al.
i could write a long several paragraph sob story about my miserable history with seeing my hyperfixation artists live but ill put it lightly, ive been tortured and suffered with this since 2018. but next year in july i will be 20 and ill see weird al. one of my favorite artists ever. ill know every lyric, and ill be so happy. i deserve this. i dont care i deserve this this was intended i was intended to see this show. i cried over this three times since the tour was announced and im actually going. im not toppled over in fetal position crying, im not depressed, i dont feel doomed, im actually seeing weird al. because i was meant to. and im so happy. im going to be okay forever. im seeing someone i love in concert. oh my god.
IM FUCKING SEEING WEIRD AL IN CONCERT!!! IM SEEING THE BIGGER AND WEIRDER CONCERT NEXT FUCKING YEAR IN JULY!!! IM SO EXCITED!!!!!! IM SO HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!! ive had a neverending history of never being able to see concerts ive planned on going to and even bought tickets to, and im FINALLY GOING!!! IM FINALLY FUCKING GOING!!!!!!! FINALLY!!!!!!!! IM SEEING WEIRD AL!!!!! everything MUST go right for me between now and july and i must see weird al with my mom and i must be happy and have a good time. im so excited im so excited im so happy, after so long of things going bad for me after the past 9 months being miserable i finally feel like things will go well for me. ill be counting down the days until july. im so excited. im so happy. nothing else matters. nothing else will ever matter. im seeing weird al.
i could write a long several paragraph sob story about my miserable history with seeing my hyperfixation artists live but ill put it lightly, ive been tortured and suffered with this since 2018. but next year in july i will be 20 and ill see weird al. one of my favorite artists ever. ill know every lyric, and ill be so happy. i deserve this. i dont care i deserve this this was intended i was intended to see this show. i cried over this three times since the tour was announced and im actually going. im not toppled over in fetal position crying, im not depressed, i dont feel doomed, im actually seeing weird al. because i was meant to. and im so happy. im going to be okay forever. im seeing someone i love in concert. oh my god.
09/11/24..
its hard to go on here and know what to vent about when everythings wrong. everything is always fucking wrong. i hate when i lose my composure, and the cork comes off the bottle, and i start to cry and my mom asks whats wrong. and i cant tell her. its everything. its always everything. and she always thinks its from something small, something miniscule and im being ridiculous, unfair, unruly. when in reality its snowballing. and she of all people should know this. and she does. but she never acknowledges it within me. she'll never recognize it within me. i bursted into tears after realizing i cant find anything to eat in the house and we have no money to get anything. in desperation, fear of it being my problem, i ask if this is my fault- my problem. that i cant find anything to eat bcs im being unfair, picky, dramatic. and in this monotone, woe is me, guilt trippy voice, my mom says, "no, its my fault" i cant help but laugh. your child is in tears, hungry, and youre deflecting to make it about yourself. its insanity. i love my mom so much. i try so hard to love her and everyday i feel like i would be nothing without her. but sometimes she reminds me that i cant rely on her. and everything will always be about her, and not me. im tired of starving. im tired of being poor. im tired of typing long winded paragraphs that are barely intelligible with tears in my eyes. im tired of stifling cries so no one gets mad at me for being upset. no matter how hard i want to scream, flip out, and break things like my brother did, i cant, because i know all the things my brother got away with i wont. people always say eventually bottling up will just lead to the worst possible thing. but i dont think ill ever get to that point. i wont off myself, i wont hurt others, i wont break things, for the mere fact that i know ill get punished. i know the only people in my life period, will disown me for it. i cant even have an outburst. not one outburst. no screaming, no crying. i have to stifle it, let it go, get over it. it hurts. it hurts. my life hurts so much. and no matter how much i try to cope with it, no matter how much i try to tell myself it will be okay, it just hurts more and more. its like my arms been severed, and im trying to tell myself its still there. all of it. is bad. all of it. so much of it. i cant cover it all. i cant go into it all. its all bad. i will go to bed hungry. i cant tell if im being dramatic, if im being crazy, if im attention seeking, if im being unfair. maybe im making this all up. maybe im not eating bcs im being dramatic. because im being picky. because i wont just feed myself. because i insist on crying and having a tantrum instead of eating what i have like a normal person. maybe i shouldnt be here
08/31/24..........jus do wash u wana...
reading: spider-man/deadpool
august felt like it breezed away, but july feels like it was months ago. its jarring. however, im glad to see august gone because that means we're closer to october, and december. my boyfriends birthday is in october. mine is in december. im also a huge fan of halloween, and even moreso christmas. despite the last 12 years of my life being poor and less fortunate, i still find the drive to love holidays. im probably going to be the narrator from fight club for halloween. unless the brain worms get really bad, and i miraculously decide to be deadpool .(if i do, shoot me.)
my dad went to the store today! and got banana nut muffins! theyre sitting up here in my room so no one eats them. i had steak and shake yesterday and it made me want to rip my hair out bcs they totally skipped out on half of my damn food. but ill live...i also watched xmen origins AND deadpool with my boyfriend. both movies WERE BAD. and NOT GOOD. i saw deadpool the year it came out in 2016. i was obsessed with deadpool as a 10 year old in 2015, a year before the movie came out. go figure. i havent cared about deadpool at all since 2016, so imagine how i feel suddenly giving so much of a shit about him that im reading his comics. me, the guy who swore to never bother with anything superhero or comic related. geez...i said to myself today that for someone who really enjoys pretty pictures, it only makes sense i should read comics. im not much of a reader unless its fanfiction. (anti intellectual much? last time i read a novel my eyes started to hurt and i kept skipping over the lines. and im not making excuses!) i started reading joe kelly deadpool, i think im about. 7 issues in. and now im reading spider-man/deadpool. joe kelly deadpool is Kind Of mid but id read it over watching deadpool 2016 any fucking day. its way funnier and less whole body flinch at the screen cringe. and im planning on watching the deadpool sequels....what a shame. i didnt like ryan reynolds as dp when i was 10 and i dont like him as dp now, but ill live. its likely they couldnt do any better. i also watched the first three xmen movies, which were actually good. maybe not last stand though. i really like nightcrawler and ive been considering reading some comics with him as well >_> comics are so difficult to get into and so tedious though. god, i cant believe im getting into superheroes. someone shoot me now.
ive been playing a LOT of roblox. like a lot. thats another thing ive liked since i was a kid! my roblox account is from 2013. ive been playing a lot of regretevator. i get hit with some sort of nostalgic pain every time im on roblox though, because im reminded how far its strayed from its origins. the thought of og roblox really comforts me...i wish i could have it back. these NEWGENS dont GET IT..... (/j i hate the term newgen). i played roblox with no money and no builders club and every week waited to get 100 tix so i could buy some garbage jpeg outfit. and i loved it. now tix dont even exist and nor does builders club. i wonder how many current roblox players even know what builders club is...geez.....i made my dad buy me robux this past friday...finally living out my cool avatar dreams. it deeply infuriated me and saddened me to see my mom gladly buy my nephew robux when 10 or something years ago she would never give me builders club. and we were monetarily better off then, too...thinking about it makes me feel horrible. how pathetic.
idk what else to put here. nothing happens to me! i went to buffalo wild wings two weeks ago. it was great. my dad is making chicken and dumplings EWWW ITS GONNA BE SO GROSS. shoot me. im hungry. idk waht im gonna do cuz im not eating that garbage....oh. my mom and i had the same dream the other day. we both dreamt that the lights the store across the street form us turned red. and then after we woke up from our dreams....the lights there were OFF. those lights like, never turn off. theyre these LED blinding flood lights. and you know they havent turned on since. very odd indeed. unnerving. especially for me as im a cynical skeptic who literally doesnt believe in anything and wont hear anybody out about anything. and even now i will deny that dreaming the same thing as my mom means anything. IT DOESNT!!!!! (looks around scared)
im gonna lay down....and read more comics....my back hurts ouugghh
august felt like it breezed away, but july feels like it was months ago. its jarring. however, im glad to see august gone because that means we're closer to october, and december. my boyfriends birthday is in october. mine is in december. im also a huge fan of halloween, and even moreso christmas. despite the last 12 years of my life being poor and less fortunate, i still find the drive to love holidays. im probably going to be the narrator from fight club for halloween. unless the brain worms get really bad, and i miraculously decide to be deadpool .(if i do, shoot me.)
my dad went to the store today! and got banana nut muffins! theyre sitting up here in my room so no one eats them. i had steak and shake yesterday and it made me want to rip my hair out bcs they totally skipped out on half of my damn food. but ill live...i also watched xmen origins AND deadpool with my boyfriend. both movies WERE BAD. and NOT GOOD. i saw deadpool the year it came out in 2016. i was obsessed with deadpool as a 10 year old in 2015, a year before the movie came out. go figure. i havent cared about deadpool at all since 2016, so imagine how i feel suddenly giving so much of a shit about him that im reading his comics. me, the guy who swore to never bother with anything superhero or comic related. geez...i said to myself today that for someone who really enjoys pretty pictures, it only makes sense i should read comics. im not much of a reader unless its fanfiction. (anti intellectual much? last time i read a novel my eyes started to hurt and i kept skipping over the lines. and im not making excuses!) i started reading joe kelly deadpool, i think im about. 7 issues in. and now im reading spider-man/deadpool. joe kelly deadpool is Kind Of mid but id read it over watching deadpool 2016 any fucking day. its way funnier and less whole body flinch at the screen cringe. and im planning on watching the deadpool sequels....what a shame. i didnt like ryan reynolds as dp when i was 10 and i dont like him as dp now, but ill live. its likely they couldnt do any better. i also watched the first three xmen movies, which were actually good. maybe not last stand though. i really like nightcrawler and ive been considering reading some comics with him as well >_> comics are so difficult to get into and so tedious though. god, i cant believe im getting into superheroes. someone shoot me now.
ive been playing a LOT of roblox. like a lot. thats another thing ive liked since i was a kid! my roblox account is from 2013. ive been playing a lot of regretevator. i get hit with some sort of nostalgic pain every time im on roblox though, because im reminded how far its strayed from its origins. the thought of og roblox really comforts me...i wish i could have it back. these NEWGENS dont GET IT..... (/j i hate the term newgen). i played roblox with no money and no builders club and every week waited to get 100 tix so i could buy some garbage jpeg outfit. and i loved it. now tix dont even exist and nor does builders club. i wonder how many current roblox players even know what builders club is...geez.....i made my dad buy me robux this past friday...finally living out my cool avatar dreams. it deeply infuriated me and saddened me to see my mom gladly buy my nephew robux when 10 or something years ago she would never give me builders club. and we were monetarily better off then, too...thinking about it makes me feel horrible. how pathetic.
idk what else to put here. nothing happens to me! i went to buffalo wild wings two weeks ago. it was great. my dad is making chicken and dumplings EWWW ITS GONNA BE SO GROSS. shoot me. im hungry. idk waht im gonna do cuz im not eating that garbage....oh. my mom and i had the same dream the other day. we both dreamt that the lights the store across the street form us turned red. and then after we woke up from our dreams....the lights there were OFF. those lights like, never turn off. theyre these LED blinding flood lights. and you know they havent turned on since. very odd indeed. unnerving. especially for me as im a cynical skeptic who literally doesnt believe in anything and wont hear anybody out about anything. and even now i will deny that dreaming the same thing as my mom means anything. IT DOESNT!!!!! (looks around scared)
im gonna lay down....and read more comics....my back hurts ouugghh
08/12/24..........you think thats what
listening to: tmbg
drinking: mean bean java monster
ok, im doing better now. every time i leave a woeful post about things anywhere i feel dramatic when i feel better. even though i had every right to feel that way. i suppose right now im comfortable with the idea that the feeling may come back. and then it will go away again. and be different and feel different every time. ...or whatever.
this sunday my dad was supposed to go to the theater to watch deadpool and wolverine. unfortunately, in his extremely old man hubris, he got scammed out of the money for the tickets somehow because he bought them online. my theory is that he did not go to the correct website and just pressed "BUY NOW" on fucking anything. how upsetting. he says he'll never do that again. thank fucking god! there are still things you can buy in person, that includes movie tickets. sadly though, i probably wont see deadpool and wolverine. see, i didnt want to in the first place, because i dont really care and i imagine it wasnt very good anywyas. but i agreed to see it because im trying to get out of this stupid house any chance i get, plus i love movie popcorn. the last time i went to a theater was in 2021 to see the sparks brothers, which arguably was one of my favorite days in my life. unfortunately i didnt put ANY BUTTER on my popcorn bcs i was too anxious i would miss the movie. only to sit through 20 minutes of ads and embarrass myself with nasty plain popcorn. ive been dying to rectify that horrific mistake. i love popcorn. i love movie popcorn even more. unfortunately every good thing that is promised to me immediately back fires. its hard not to just give up. my mom says speaking negativity out loud just brings negativity to you. its hard, am i supposed to just say oh well its okay bcs it will happen eventually. im 19 im nearly 20 and im rotting away in this house instead of living a life. basically 12 years of my life have been stolen from me. i didnt get to live any of it. in the past 12 years, very little has happened to me other than getting older.
i have been watching star trek non stop. and i have no problem with it. ive been rewatching voyager with my boyfriend, who hasnt seen it until now. and hes really enjoying it. ive also been going on pluto on our downstairs tv and turning it on every now and then. until my asshole dad insists on playing his damn call of duty. jesus. be a man and play minecraft or something. LOL
idk what else to say here. i woke up at 4pm the past two days. i wish i had some eggrolls.
drinking: mean bean java monster
ok, im doing better now. every time i leave a woeful post about things anywhere i feel dramatic when i feel better. even though i had every right to feel that way. i suppose right now im comfortable with the idea that the feeling may come back. and then it will go away again. and be different and feel different every time. ...or whatever.
this sunday my dad was supposed to go to the theater to watch deadpool and wolverine. unfortunately, in his extremely old man hubris, he got scammed out of the money for the tickets somehow because he bought them online. my theory is that he did not go to the correct website and just pressed "BUY NOW" on fucking anything. how upsetting. he says he'll never do that again. thank fucking god! there are still things you can buy in person, that includes movie tickets. sadly though, i probably wont see deadpool and wolverine. see, i didnt want to in the first place, because i dont really care and i imagine it wasnt very good anywyas. but i agreed to see it because im trying to get out of this stupid house any chance i get, plus i love movie popcorn. the last time i went to a theater was in 2021 to see the sparks brothers, which arguably was one of my favorite days in my life. unfortunately i didnt put ANY BUTTER on my popcorn bcs i was too anxious i would miss the movie. only to sit through 20 minutes of ads and embarrass myself with nasty plain popcorn. ive been dying to rectify that horrific mistake. i love popcorn. i love movie popcorn even more. unfortunately every good thing that is promised to me immediately back fires. its hard not to just give up. my mom says speaking negativity out loud just brings negativity to you. its hard, am i supposed to just say oh well its okay bcs it will happen eventually. im 19 im nearly 20 and im rotting away in this house instead of living a life. basically 12 years of my life have been stolen from me. i didnt get to live any of it. in the past 12 years, very little has happened to me other than getting older.
i have been watching star trek non stop. and i have no problem with it. ive been rewatching voyager with my boyfriend, who hasnt seen it until now. and hes really enjoying it. ive also been going on pluto on our downstairs tv and turning it on every now and then. until my asshole dad insists on playing his damn call of duty. jesus. be a man and play minecraft or something. LOL
idk what else to say here. i woke up at 4pm the past two days. i wish i had some eggrolls.
08/05/24..........
listening to: parklife by blur
well its certainly not going good. im writing this at 1am, i woke up a few hours ago at 9pm after a very brief nap that i had wished lasted all night. i watched star trek and then got sick, and i went back upstairs and moped. and scrolled. and now im here, typing this blog post, to no one, in an attempt to get some semblage of emotions out in a constructive way. im also waiting for my phone to charge so i can rot in bed, as i literally have nothing else better to do. at all. i cant bring myself to draw and i dont want to play any games. i dont want to code for my dumb website and i dont want to write anything. i dont even want to sleep, but thats the only other thing i can do.
the other day i recorded a video of me ranting for my priv tiwtter which is something i do often. but i noticed i looked especially fat and big while recording it and watching it back. i could hardly see my neck. and after i recorded it i just kept touching my face, realizing how big it is. obviously my weight and my appearance eats away at me daily, and has my whole life. i go in and out of especially severe episodes about my body. here recently its been one of the worst. ive been crying. watching fitness videos with a pit in my stomach. looking at myself in the mirror, feeling the foul pouch of extra skin below my chin and how badly i wish it was gone. looking at the rolls that form when i sit down. "all people get rolls when they sit" yeah but not ones that make you look like the michelin man, lol. im 19 and im 200lbs. theres people trying to lose weight at smaller sizes. and im 200lbs and doing nothing. i dont have the resources to eat well. i dont choose what i eat. my parents dont care enough to help me reinforce it, and i dont have a lot of money. i can hardly brush my teeth everyday let alone exercise everyday. i cant go outside. my mom doesnt let me leave the yard. so im fat, and im ugly, and i feel powerless. even if theres things to do, i dont want to do them because ive already been beaten down and battered to hell that i cant find the motivation to do it. i feel as though my only choice is to just sit and watch myself stay fat, or worse get bigger. i feel myself wanting to cry just thinking about it. i dont think anybody wants me. who would want me? my personality, the way i behave, its bad enough, but with it you have this disgusting body. and if i were to hypothetically move on from my boyfriend who else would want me. genuinely. no one. why would anyone want me. i dont wanna cry again. i cried in front of my mom today and it was fucking embarrassing. i hate crying. i dont want to cry.
dad went to the store on friday and he had no money so he didnt get anything. he gets money on monday and says he will get food then. im not confident. i havent felt physically comfortable since thursday night. nauseous, headaches, too cold, too hot. my pharmacy wont fill my asthma medication.
artfight went well. i was really happy with my output and what i recieved. but i feel like thats the only somewhat positive thing thats happened since the start of this year. ive been rewatching star trek episodes off and on for the past month. the doctor is the only thing that makes me feel happy anymore. i know its stupid. but im genuine. i have not felt good in a very long time. i dont like hanging out with my friends anymore. i feel empty. i dont think anyone likes me anymore. everyday is so lonely. nobody talks to me. im so lonely.
well its certainly not going good. im writing this at 1am, i woke up a few hours ago at 9pm after a very brief nap that i had wished lasted all night. i watched star trek and then got sick, and i went back upstairs and moped. and scrolled. and now im here, typing this blog post, to no one, in an attempt to get some semblage of emotions out in a constructive way. im also waiting for my phone to charge so i can rot in bed, as i literally have nothing else better to do. at all. i cant bring myself to draw and i dont want to play any games. i dont want to code for my dumb website and i dont want to write anything. i dont even want to sleep, but thats the only other thing i can do.
the other day i recorded a video of me ranting for my priv tiwtter which is something i do often. but i noticed i looked especially fat and big while recording it and watching it back. i could hardly see my neck. and after i recorded it i just kept touching my face, realizing how big it is. obviously my weight and my appearance eats away at me daily, and has my whole life. i go in and out of especially severe episodes about my body. here recently its been one of the worst. ive been crying. watching fitness videos with a pit in my stomach. looking at myself in the mirror, feeling the foul pouch of extra skin below my chin and how badly i wish it was gone. looking at the rolls that form when i sit down. "all people get rolls when they sit" yeah but not ones that make you look like the michelin man, lol. im 19 and im 200lbs. theres people trying to lose weight at smaller sizes. and im 200lbs and doing nothing. i dont have the resources to eat well. i dont choose what i eat. my parents dont care enough to help me reinforce it, and i dont have a lot of money. i can hardly brush my teeth everyday let alone exercise everyday. i cant go outside. my mom doesnt let me leave the yard. so im fat, and im ugly, and i feel powerless. even if theres things to do, i dont want to do them because ive already been beaten down and battered to hell that i cant find the motivation to do it. i feel as though my only choice is to just sit and watch myself stay fat, or worse get bigger. i feel myself wanting to cry just thinking about it. i dont think anybody wants me. who would want me? my personality, the way i behave, its bad enough, but with it you have this disgusting body. and if i were to hypothetically move on from my boyfriend who else would want me. genuinely. no one. why would anyone want me. i dont wanna cry again. i cried in front of my mom today and it was fucking embarrassing. i hate crying. i dont want to cry.
dad went to the store on friday and he had no money so he didnt get anything. he gets money on monday and says he will get food then. im not confident. i havent felt physically comfortable since thursday night. nauseous, headaches, too cold, too hot. my pharmacy wont fill my asthma medication.
artfight went well. i was really happy with my output and what i recieved. but i feel like thats the only somewhat positive thing thats happened since the start of this year. ive been rewatching star trek episodes off and on for the past month. the doctor is the only thing that makes me feel happy anymore. i know its stupid. but im genuine. i have not felt good in a very long time. i dont like hanging out with my friends anymore. i feel empty. i dont think anyone likes me anymore. everyday is so lonely. nobody talks to me. im so lonely.
07/19/24......anything you can do...
i dont know how many times im gonna complain about this, or if it will ever help, but i really wish i could behave normally. im so possessive and selfish about things. if i show a friend a movie, or a song, or an album, im like, thats me. you have me to thank for that. give me credit for this. like i deserve a fucking award or something. its absurd, who fucking acts like that? why do i have this compulsive drive to claim ownership of literally everything. i mean, i literally flip out when i see other xtc fans. this isnt a joke. i have to block out other xtc fans online as much as i can. blocking tumblr tags, muting ppl, going so far as blocking some if they really upset me. its so stupid why do i do it? why cant i stop? why cant i stop the horrible feeling in my gut i get every time i see fans who like what i like. it upsets me even more when theyre like me. around my age range, progressive, lgbt, neurodivergent, so on. i get so angry when someone is similar to me. i dont know why. i cant remember when this started, what made it happen, why its happening. when someone i know likes something, i cant like it anymore. it could be someone as distant as an acquaintance or someone as close as a boyfriend, and i still would not be able to bring myself to like it because they "liked it first". my boyfriend loves the kill the past series and has played a few of the games for me. im so fortunate that he wanted to show me it, and share it with me. and i like the series from afar because mew likes it, but i cant like it like he can. i cant. he likes it. i cant. he did it first. and a friend of ours in our friend group, they got into ktp. and it made me livid. how dare you get into that? that was his thing. not yours. what are you doing? why the hell would i project my own feelings of this on others. why is it compulsory, why cant i fucking stop? the cycle is so terrible, i even get mad when people tell me they RELATE to this feeling. i hate that i cant see a therapist. its not fair, why am i not in a therapist already. i feel like im going stir crazy. whats wrong with me?
06/30/24.........and they wants it all the time
i have had one hectic june. ive been through a lot. felt a lot of things. a lot of stuff happened. my brother moved out, after a very dramatic event. and soon after my moms coworker moved in. whom i dont know. its pretty awkward having some random woman living in your house, especially right next to your bedroom, when you have crippling social anxiety and want to claw at your skin after every social interaction. my mom felt as though letting her live here would make things easier, financially. that she could split her checks with my parents and eventually it would help us get into a new house which we've been trying to pull off for 7 years. im a little suspicious of it, im not confident of this plan and i had a bit of a meltdown over it the other day. despite being 19, i know nothing and if i were to try to know anything or to presume to know anything, id eventually be shut down. i dont get to have thoughts or a say in anything beyond groceries and sometimes i dont even get a say in that. so simply put i have to grin and bear it about every choice made about my life, including people i dont know living with me. this isnt the first time i was forced to live with someone i didnt know. it was countless times, since i was a child. at first my mom reassured me she'd never let people live with us again. but the moment my brother moves out, suddenly things are different. riiiight. i dont feel justified in any of the complaints i make about anything. even writing this now, i feel as though im wrong. that im complaining about nothing. that im just being a dramatic spoiled brat. im not sure how i could be spoiled especially considering i am poor, but nonetheless i feel like one. the best thing about my new roommate though is that she has two cats. this is both good and bad, actually. because my mom and i are extremely allergic to cats, my mom nearly deathly so. listen, she decided to let these cats live here...not me! but despite being allergic, im pretty glad about it. i can spend time with cats in moderation without getting too bad, and ive been really enjoying my time visiting them every now and then when my roommate is at work. ive been referring to her as my roommate bcs i dont know what else to call her. im surely not telling everyone her name. that feels weird. anyways, i really like her cats. they are very nice and seem to like me somewhat. being allergic, im never around cats very often at all and seeing them is kinda like seeing an exotic animal. its like being at the zoo. its a whole new animal to me, they arent ordinary to me like to everyone else. im a huge Dog guy. ive had dogs my whole life. and i love dogs obviously. cats are just so new and special to me every time i see them, so you can imagine how living with them has been.
related to the cats, i learned very quickly that cats love hiding. this stressed me out a lot the first few days they were here, looking for them and hoping they were okay. the first day they were here one crawled into the wall, thanks to my brother knocking holes in the wall. im sure you can peace together the story there, brother moves out, holes in the wall, ect. anyways, we kept having to recover her from the wall and eventually we covered the entire hole with cardboard, and plaster pieces, and shelves and desks. but thankfully she and her sister wont get lost in the bad spots of this house. my house is very old and very badly built, literally put together with duct tape and toothpaste. the last thing we'd want is a couple of cats getting stuck in the walls. both for their sake and the houses.
regarding anything other than my new roommate, ive been drawing a lot this month. some of it admittedly really upsetting me. i have very little confidence in my art and as an outrageously insecure person, sometimes i tend to really lose it when a drawing isnt going my way. and i just spiral from there. its a sad but true plight of an insecure artist. this month i also started to wonder if i had borderline personality disorder. people are so absurd about self diagnosing these days so im not even gonna bother saying i have it at risk of making me look stupid to others. why should i care what others think? i dont know. anyways i exhibit a lot of the signs. after what happened with my brother my mom was like, wow we really need therapy like now. ive been begging her for a therapist since i was 12 years old. this is ridiculous. regardless of what i do have, i know something is wrong with me. everyday im reminded of that. there are some days when i hate my friends more than i can describe and then there are some days where i love them unspeakably. and its hard, because with friends often you want to be honest about whats going on with you, and you want to be able to express your pain. but they dont want to hear how your chemical imbalance is making you hate them. and youre not sure why. my hate isnt real. its some evil thing my mind is making up.
i dont really know what else to write here :1 im gonna lay in bed and play mobile games now. i had a good dinner, taco bake. its kinda like lasagna but...with taco meat and tortillas. taco casserole. i know, EXTREMELY WHITE FOOD. but it tasted so good and i liked it. sorry mexico. i also ate some oreos those were just okay. and an ice cream bar. i watched vinny's new hawaiian snack video while eating. i fell asleep TWICE today. i think i first woke up at like one and then felt outrageously tired, so i got back in bed and woke up at 7 and here i am now at 9pm going back to bed. i probably wont sleep though. or maybe i will. we'll see.
related to the cats, i learned very quickly that cats love hiding. this stressed me out a lot the first few days they were here, looking for them and hoping they were okay. the first day they were here one crawled into the wall, thanks to my brother knocking holes in the wall. im sure you can peace together the story there, brother moves out, holes in the wall, ect. anyways, we kept having to recover her from the wall and eventually we covered the entire hole with cardboard, and plaster pieces, and shelves and desks. but thankfully she and her sister wont get lost in the bad spots of this house. my house is very old and very badly built, literally put together with duct tape and toothpaste. the last thing we'd want is a couple of cats getting stuck in the walls. both for their sake and the houses.
regarding anything other than my new roommate, ive been drawing a lot this month. some of it admittedly really upsetting me. i have very little confidence in my art and as an outrageously insecure person, sometimes i tend to really lose it when a drawing isnt going my way. and i just spiral from there. its a sad but true plight of an insecure artist. this month i also started to wonder if i had borderline personality disorder. people are so absurd about self diagnosing these days so im not even gonna bother saying i have it at risk of making me look stupid to others. why should i care what others think? i dont know. anyways i exhibit a lot of the signs. after what happened with my brother my mom was like, wow we really need therapy like now. ive been begging her for a therapist since i was 12 years old. this is ridiculous. regardless of what i do have, i know something is wrong with me. everyday im reminded of that. there are some days when i hate my friends more than i can describe and then there are some days where i love them unspeakably. and its hard, because with friends often you want to be honest about whats going on with you, and you want to be able to express your pain. but they dont want to hear how your chemical imbalance is making you hate them. and youre not sure why. my hate isnt real. its some evil thing my mind is making up.
i dont really know what else to write here :1 im gonna lay in bed and play mobile games now. i had a good dinner, taco bake. its kinda like lasagna but...with taco meat and tortillas. taco casserole. i know, EXTREMELY WHITE FOOD. but it tasted so good and i liked it. sorry mexico. i also ate some oreos those were just okay. and an ice cream bar. i watched vinny's new hawaiian snack video while eating. i fell asleep TWICE today. i think i first woke up at like one and then felt outrageously tired, so i got back in bed and woke up at 7 and here i am now at 9pm going back to bed. i probably wont sleep though. or maybe i will. we'll see.
06/10/24 what do i title this garbage
i wish i were dead i wish i was fucking dead im such an emotionally immature piece of shit i make everyone around me even those who love me most want nothing to do with me because everything that has to do with me ends up becoming a dramatic awkwardly emotional situation because of how much i hate ymself its a never ending cycle i cannot end no matter how hard i try i hate existing i hate my stupid fucking art and my stupid fucking website and my stupid fucking face and my voice and the way i dress and the way i talk i want it to be over i want out so bad i just wanna be a new person a cooler person i hate this stupid shit its not enough to just work towards being a better person its bad enough i ever was this person in the first place its not fucking fair i have to live this miserable joke of a life in a miserable house with no money in a miserable disgusting room and i have to be one of the most insufferable people on earth so not only do i not get to live a happy life physically i hate who i am and who ive grown to be because i cant stand not getting attention and i cant stand it when ppl dont validate me and i cant stand feeling lesser than because it confirms what ive known to be true all along that im a idiotic disgusting piece of shit that cant do anything right and no matter what i try doing or what i attempt to do be it making a website drawing or even doing something as simple as putting on clothes it will always turn out badly and if i dont like it whats the fucking point of it anyways i wish i was dead i dont want to be here anymore theres something so humilitating about going into my websites code and putting this onto my blog but i want it out so bad i need it to be out because i want to be pitied i want people to feel bad for me please god someone help me
05/31/24....i need someone to love me the whole day through
chewing: tropical trident gum
listening to: soad
my dad left for florida about a week or so ago. leaving my mom and i basically to our own devices for awhile. my mom is very sick and just in general immunocompromised, so getting around is really difficult for her sometimes. it frustrated the both of us that my dad thought to leave us for some work trip. and on top of that he gave us literally no money, and all we had to live on for the week was my moms measly 600 dollar paycheck. if you think that sounds like a lot, all it did was feed us. thats it! i am very thankful it did so...but considering my dad insisted we could "do stuff" this week while he was gone (doing stuff namely being clothes shopping as both my mom and i are severely deficient on clothes, and getting our hair cut bcs i get mine done every 6 months.) but of course we couldnt do either of those despite his confidence we could. because he is a presumptuous self absorbed over confident idiot. despite all this, i actually had a very good week. last three days ive been watching house. the rest of the week i just kinda sat around and slept, ate, ect. ive not been able to stop eating this specific chicken wrap i make at home now its the most perfect concoction made by man. it starts with a tortilla and then boneless fried chicken i put in the air fryer and then i put cajun ranch and plain ranch in it with shredded cheese and lettuce and also someitmes fiesta strips. and its like, the most perfect thing in the world. nothing seems even remotely good compared to it. also we found a bag of potato smiles at the store last weekend and i was OVER THE MOOOONNN cuz thats one of my favorite foods and they neverrrr ever have it. that made my whole week TBH. i had some pretty bad caffiene withdrawal yesterday only for both my mom and brother to buy me TWO coffees each of them so i had four coffees by the end of the day. by that time the withdrawal was over! but i dont mind bcs i love having my daily monster coffee. no i am not dependant on it. looks around
i watched red dragon AND silence of the lambs a few nights ago with my boyfriend they were both really good and i heavily enjoyed them. ive not been watching movies much at all lately but i want to get back on that soon. unfortunately the same thing goes to music...ive just been listening to my childhood playlist on repeat every fuckin day its all i listen to anymore. eye roll. i really need to find some new shit. ummm oh ive been playing LOTS of cookie run. but only ovenbreak. i loved ovenbreak back in 2018 and i stopped playing around early 2021 and havent picked it up again until now. frankly the fanbase really infuriates me, which is what scared me away from it in the first place. but the gameplay for ovenbreak is soooo addicting.
my hands are getting tired of typing. im hoping to go out this weekend with my parents and get my haircut, my dream day for this weekend is to go to a pastry cafe, then a record store, and then dinner. but frankly, nothing literally ever works out for me. so i will be over the moon if even ONE of these things work out bcs a big part of me really doubts it at all. seeya!
listening to: soad
my dad left for florida about a week or so ago. leaving my mom and i basically to our own devices for awhile. my mom is very sick and just in general immunocompromised, so getting around is really difficult for her sometimes. it frustrated the both of us that my dad thought to leave us for some work trip. and on top of that he gave us literally no money, and all we had to live on for the week was my moms measly 600 dollar paycheck. if you think that sounds like a lot, all it did was feed us. thats it! i am very thankful it did so...but considering my dad insisted we could "do stuff" this week while he was gone (doing stuff namely being clothes shopping as both my mom and i are severely deficient on clothes, and getting our hair cut bcs i get mine done every 6 months.) but of course we couldnt do either of those despite his confidence we could. because he is a presumptuous self absorbed over confident idiot. despite all this, i actually had a very good week. last three days ive been watching house. the rest of the week i just kinda sat around and slept, ate, ect. ive not been able to stop eating this specific chicken wrap i make at home now its the most perfect concoction made by man. it starts with a tortilla and then boneless fried chicken i put in the air fryer and then i put cajun ranch and plain ranch in it with shredded cheese and lettuce and also someitmes fiesta strips. and its like, the most perfect thing in the world. nothing seems even remotely good compared to it. also we found a bag of potato smiles at the store last weekend and i was OVER THE MOOOONNN cuz thats one of my favorite foods and they neverrrr ever have it. that made my whole week TBH. i had some pretty bad caffiene withdrawal yesterday only for both my mom and brother to buy me TWO coffees each of them so i had four coffees by the end of the day. by that time the withdrawal was over! but i dont mind bcs i love having my daily monster coffee. no i am not dependant on it. looks around
i watched red dragon AND silence of the lambs a few nights ago with my boyfriend they were both really good and i heavily enjoyed them. ive not been watching movies much at all lately but i want to get back on that soon. unfortunately the same thing goes to music...ive just been listening to my childhood playlist on repeat every fuckin day its all i listen to anymore. eye roll. i really need to find some new shit. ummm oh ive been playing LOTS of cookie run. but only ovenbreak. i loved ovenbreak back in 2018 and i stopped playing around early 2021 and havent picked it up again until now. frankly the fanbase really infuriates me, which is what scared me away from it in the first place. but the gameplay for ovenbreak is soooo addicting.
my hands are getting tired of typing. im hoping to go out this weekend with my parents and get my haircut, my dream day for this weekend is to go to a pastry cafe, then a record store, and then dinner. but frankly, nothing literally ever works out for me. so i will be over the moon if even ONE of these things work out bcs a big part of me really doubts it at all. seeya!
05/02/24.................any day, now!
i did my make up for fun today just because i felt like it, but once i was done and started taking pictures i got upset bcs i looked extremely ugly. i wish i was sexier. more attractive. less average, less weird looking. my double chin is the bane of my existence
i bursted into tears in front of my dad the day before yesterday, which was both embarrassing and annoying. hes the last person i want to cry in front of. i was crying because im tired of rotting away in this stupid fucking house not being able to go outside and do anything, especially now that spring is here and soon summer, too. i cant go on walks, i cant ride a bike, i cant swim. i have no money so i cant do anything else. i dont have a car, a job. im not in school, i have no real life friends, no connection to my distant family. so im doomed to fester alone in this house for god knows how long. every now and then it takes my toll on me and i break until i get over it eventually a few days after because i know theres no helping it. yesterday though, despite us having no money, my dad decided to take me out for a drive around the downtown area of my city. a drive just to drive. it was actually very nice, and im glad we did it. i just hope i can actually do things downtown soon instead of just looking at it. looking at all of downtown in 30 minutes is a lot different than actually getting to experience it. ive loved the downtown area of my city since i was a kid, i seem to never get tired of going there. i havent been able to go especially in recent years due to a lot of factors im not at liberty to explain right now.
ive been craving steak and shake tenders really bad praying to god i get some this weekend. this whole week ive just been crying, staring at nothing, sleeping, rotting on my phone, repeat. i saw some movies, so that was cool. rewatched the first ep of sherlock bbc, which i really enjoyed. i dont care that others think that show is bad. its flawed but i love it all the same. anyone who faults me for that can jump out of their window ig idk. i hope one day i can stop rotting in my house doing nothing and actually fucking live for once. just once.
ive been wanting to code really badly lately, but going back to coding after taking a long break is torture of the finest caliber. nonetheless, i think i will code something today. i will probably be coding an entry page for the site. something very snazzy, with function and style. i want an entry page that gets people excited to see the rest of the site, you know? sometimes i feel like entry pages can be a little underwhelming compared to the site behind them. i dont want mine to be that way...
i also want to finish my shrines. and start on a fight club one. but im so exact about how i want my shrines to be that they can be really difficult to code as i rely heavily on iframes and those are just soooo annnoyyyinngngggg
ive been struggling with art block lately, and i dont really react much to the music i listen to anymore. i need something new to listen to but i dont like anything new that i turn on. sigh. i feel like these past two years my relationship with music has greatly dwindled, and i dont want that. music is my life, i love it so so so much more than anything and its influenced so many aspects of my life and the way i see the world. but im becoming apathetic about so much of what i listen to. im not sure how to approach it or where to go from here. maybe its just a phase.
this entry was a bit of a brain dump but whatever. i feel melancholy. empty. lonely. embarrassed. insecure. i want out of hereeeee. bye
i bursted into tears in front of my dad the day before yesterday, which was both embarrassing and annoying. hes the last person i want to cry in front of. i was crying because im tired of rotting away in this stupid fucking house not being able to go outside and do anything, especially now that spring is here and soon summer, too. i cant go on walks, i cant ride a bike, i cant swim. i have no money so i cant do anything else. i dont have a car, a job. im not in school, i have no real life friends, no connection to my distant family. so im doomed to fester alone in this house for god knows how long. every now and then it takes my toll on me and i break until i get over it eventually a few days after because i know theres no helping it. yesterday though, despite us having no money, my dad decided to take me out for a drive around the downtown area of my city. a drive just to drive. it was actually very nice, and im glad we did it. i just hope i can actually do things downtown soon instead of just looking at it. looking at all of downtown in 30 minutes is a lot different than actually getting to experience it. ive loved the downtown area of my city since i was a kid, i seem to never get tired of going there. i havent been able to go especially in recent years due to a lot of factors im not at liberty to explain right now.
ive been craving steak and shake tenders really bad praying to god i get some this weekend. this whole week ive just been crying, staring at nothing, sleeping, rotting on my phone, repeat. i saw some movies, so that was cool. rewatched the first ep of sherlock bbc, which i really enjoyed. i dont care that others think that show is bad. its flawed but i love it all the same. anyone who faults me for that can jump out of their window ig idk. i hope one day i can stop rotting in my house doing nothing and actually fucking live for once. just once.
ive been wanting to code really badly lately, but going back to coding after taking a long break is torture of the finest caliber. nonetheless, i think i will code something today. i will probably be coding an entry page for the site. something very snazzy, with function and style. i want an entry page that gets people excited to see the rest of the site, you know? sometimes i feel like entry pages can be a little underwhelming compared to the site behind them. i dont want mine to be that way...
i also want to finish my shrines. and start on a fight club one. but im so exact about how i want my shrines to be that they can be really difficult to code as i rely heavily on iframes and those are just soooo annnoyyyinngngggg
ive been struggling with art block lately, and i dont really react much to the music i listen to anymore. i need something new to listen to but i dont like anything new that i turn on. sigh. i feel like these past two years my relationship with music has greatly dwindled, and i dont want that. music is my life, i love it so so so much more than anything and its influenced so many aspects of my life and the way i see the world. but im becoming apathetic about so much of what i listen to. im not sure how to approach it or where to go from here. maybe its just a phase.
this entry was a bit of a brain dump but whatever. i feel melancholy. empty. lonely. embarrassed. insecure. i want out of hereeeee. bye
04/12/24.................black hole sun
i saw the eclipse! indiana was luccky enough to have complete totality on april 8th and it was so outrageously beautiful. i sat on the grass in my yard and stared up at the sky in awe, and i keep thinking how sad it is i cant see it again immediately. maybe in the future i could travel to see another one...i dont know. but it truly is a wonderfully beautiful experience and unlike anything i was expecting. and yes obviously i had glasses. but did you know, once totality has hit you can stare right at it with no problem? because the moon is completely covering the sun! during the days leading up to it there was a lot of misinformation going around that was really upsetting me. but bottom line, it was BEAUTIFUL! my whole neighborhood got dark and every single light on cars and on streetlights that had sensors immediately turned on due to the change. it was just...amazing. it was 8pm at 3pm! and the sight of the moon with that bright white ring around it in the sky was outrageous, its impossible to describe...
aside from that nothing very climactic has been going on but i have been watching a LOT of voyager the past two days with my best friend view. its been great to rewatch it, despite what many will say about it i really really love voyager and ive been excited to see it again. as you might know already im a huge fan of the doctor from voyager...i have a shrine of him here on my site if you'd like to hear more about how much i like him! it only needs two more pages made for it, depending on how i feel i might make those pages.
ive also been watching a lot of movies as per usual. i still want to make a fight club shrine, but its really hard telling if ill make it in time before i get apathetic about it like i do with everything else...the only reason i dont have more shrines is because i get apathetic too quick to focus all that time on one thing. im lazy. and have adhd. i dont know. website making is not for the weak. i also plan on rewatching fight club sometime during the week, after monday preferably because my beloved friend view is going to show our other two friends one of its favorite movies, memento, and its a pretty big occassion. im really looking forward to it! my friend group, but particularly view and i, take movies very seriously. when i like a movie it kind of becomes an extension of myself, just like everything else i like. im so dramatic about my interests but its only a product of the life ive lived up until now. womp womp.
ive been struggling with my art lately as well. i just...dont know anymore man. i just want to make good art. grrrr. grrrr. its just so hard to put into words. it looks so bad but everyones like oh well artists always think their art is bad well then how am i supposed to know if its good or not. "you only need to have fun doing it it doesnt matter if it looks good" i wont have a lot of fun if im not creating all of the images that plague my head, and i cant create those images if i suck balls and cocks at drawing. uugghhh i dont know. i dont know. i cant do hardly anything right, even my foremost passions like art or...hell, web design. bye. im slated to have buffalo wild wings this weekend on saturday, pray that i can!!!
aside from that nothing very climactic has been going on but i have been watching a LOT of voyager the past two days with my best friend view. its been great to rewatch it, despite what many will say about it i really really love voyager and ive been excited to see it again. as you might know already im a huge fan of the doctor from voyager...i have a shrine of him here on my site if you'd like to hear more about how much i like him! it only needs two more pages made for it, depending on how i feel i might make those pages.
ive also been watching a lot of movies as per usual. i still want to make a fight club shrine, but its really hard telling if ill make it in time before i get apathetic about it like i do with everything else...the only reason i dont have more shrines is because i get apathetic too quick to focus all that time on one thing. im lazy. and have adhd. i dont know. website making is not for the weak. i also plan on rewatching fight club sometime during the week, after monday preferably because my beloved friend view is going to show our other two friends one of its favorite movies, memento, and its a pretty big occassion. im really looking forward to it! my friend group, but particularly view and i, take movies very seriously. when i like a movie it kind of becomes an extension of myself, just like everything else i like. im so dramatic about my interests but its only a product of the life ive lived up until now. womp womp.
ive been struggling with my art lately as well. i just...dont know anymore man. i just want to make good art. grrrr. grrrr. its just so hard to put into words. it looks so bad but everyones like oh well artists always think their art is bad well then how am i supposed to know if its good or not. "you only need to have fun doing it it doesnt matter if it looks good" i wont have a lot of fun if im not creating all of the images that plague my head, and i cant create those images if i suck balls and cocks at drawing. uugghhh i dont know. i dont know. i cant do hardly anything right, even my foremost passions like art or...hell, web design. bye. im slated to have buffalo wild wings this weekend on saturday, pray that i can!!!
03/31/24..........i am jacks ocd
listening to: closer by nin
happy easter. what have i been doing lately? not much. i just finished watching fight club for the 4th time, and its quickly become one of my favorite movies. i love it a whole lot. like im seriously obsessed with it. autism is one hell of a drug. i love edward norton and by extension the narrator, i kind of um...am definitely self shipping with him. hes all i think about before i go to bed. as far as im concerned, thats who my body pillow is. touch starved and pathetic...bleh..
i beat the splatoon 3 dlc, which was outrageously awesome. a perfectly balanced difficulty. it was just so fucking fun. i loved playing it and seeing pearl and marina in that capacity was so awesome, i LOVE pearl. shes my favorite splatoon character. frye is my second favorite. i was obsessed with the singleplayer that came with the game and literally played it for three days straight. like seriously i couldnt put it down. nintendo is COOKING with these singleplayers, im only a little sad thinking this will probably be the last one. frown. im glad i could play it, though. especially because i dont have money like ever. i preordered this dlc a year ago, i think. worth the wait, id say. the new formatting was also interesting. still managed to stay familiar to the other singeplayer campaigns but was extremely new and fresh...just, so spectacular. i dont surround myself in the gaming community so i dont know the general consensus of anything unless i watch a vinesauce stream or something...but if people dont like this dlc i will literally blow this whole building up. ITS FUCKING AMAZING! if you like splatoon and havent played side order yet, PLEASE do. its stupendous. truly stupendous.
last saturday i got my dad to take me to buffalo wild wings, my FAVORITE restaurant. has been since i was a kid. i hadnt had it in probably like 3 or 4 years, so i was completely jumping for joy. im big on food. i dont know if ive made that clear, but eating food is by far one of my favorite things. as soon as that food went on that table i ate it like some sort of beast. i ate 8 mozzarella sticks in one go and got full off just those. they have really good mozzarella sticks, by the way. i like wingstop but buffalo wild wings still reigns supreme. the combination of their barbecue sauce with the ranch is INSANE. ITS LIKE. UGH!!! im only sad im not going again any time soon.
ive been rewatching mlp fim with a friend of mine the past few days. i hyperfixated on mlp at the age of 10 and again at the age of 13. coming back to it has been a lot of fun, its such a fun show and i just. love nearly everything about it, i always have. the music, the character design, the voices?? art direction?!?!! JUSTTT....im looking forward to watching more and so i can see discord again, hes my favorite mlp character EVER!!!! I LOVE HIMMM WAHHHGGHHHG
umm ummm what else...i got candy today since its easter. i am 19 so you might be thinking arewnt you fucking grown dude? well yeah but my mom loves me and i love her. i gotta get a job so i can start giving back, man. a few days ago she was stranded at work without a ride after my brother fell asleep (he was her ride) so i felt. really sad and powerless. cant drive a fucking car or else i wouldve just done it myself. she ended up getting home thank god, but its still infuriating to look back on. i know ill barely be able to handle it and it will be hard but goddammit i just want to be helpful and worth a shit. my big sister came here today for easter with her nephew and her little sister (we're half blood siblings so her little sister isnt my little sister. its complicated) it was kind of sad seeing how much older shes gotten. shes in her mid 20s. and then i realized jesus fucking christ, im 19. i started crying and had to cover my face. i would not have been able to handle that conversation, so i ran upstairs. my family are all strangers to me. im close to my parents in that we talk often, but they dont truly know me beyond the music i play in the car. they dont even see the art i draw. they'd never understand. i feel as though a lot of this is my fault.
have a good easter. thanks for reading if you did.
happy easter. what have i been doing lately? not much. i just finished watching fight club for the 4th time, and its quickly become one of my favorite movies. i love it a whole lot. like im seriously obsessed with it. autism is one hell of a drug. i love edward norton and by extension the narrator, i kind of um...am definitely self shipping with him. hes all i think about before i go to bed. as far as im concerned, thats who my body pillow is. touch starved and pathetic...bleh..
i beat the splatoon 3 dlc, which was outrageously awesome. a perfectly balanced difficulty. it was just so fucking fun. i loved playing it and seeing pearl and marina in that capacity was so awesome, i LOVE pearl. shes my favorite splatoon character. frye is my second favorite. i was obsessed with the singleplayer that came with the game and literally played it for three days straight. like seriously i couldnt put it down. nintendo is COOKING with these singleplayers, im only a little sad thinking this will probably be the last one. frown. im glad i could play it, though. especially because i dont have money like ever. i preordered this dlc a year ago, i think. worth the wait, id say. the new formatting was also interesting. still managed to stay familiar to the other singeplayer campaigns but was extremely new and fresh...just, so spectacular. i dont surround myself in the gaming community so i dont know the general consensus of anything unless i watch a vinesauce stream or something...but if people dont like this dlc i will literally blow this whole building up. ITS FUCKING AMAZING! if you like splatoon and havent played side order yet, PLEASE do. its stupendous. truly stupendous.
last saturday i got my dad to take me to buffalo wild wings, my FAVORITE restaurant. has been since i was a kid. i hadnt had it in probably like 3 or 4 years, so i was completely jumping for joy. im big on food. i dont know if ive made that clear, but eating food is by far one of my favorite things. as soon as that food went on that table i ate it like some sort of beast. i ate 8 mozzarella sticks in one go and got full off just those. they have really good mozzarella sticks, by the way. i like wingstop but buffalo wild wings still reigns supreme. the combination of their barbecue sauce with the ranch is INSANE. ITS LIKE. UGH!!! im only sad im not going again any time soon.
ive been rewatching mlp fim with a friend of mine the past few days. i hyperfixated on mlp at the age of 10 and again at the age of 13. coming back to it has been a lot of fun, its such a fun show and i just. love nearly everything about it, i always have. the music, the character design, the voices?? art direction?!?!! JUSTTT....im looking forward to watching more and so i can see discord again, hes my favorite mlp character EVER!!!! I LOVE HIMMM WAHHHGGHHHG
umm ummm what else...i got candy today since its easter. i am 19 so you might be thinking arewnt you fucking grown dude? well yeah but my mom loves me and i love her. i gotta get a job so i can start giving back, man. a few days ago she was stranded at work without a ride after my brother fell asleep (he was her ride) so i felt. really sad and powerless. cant drive a fucking car or else i wouldve just done it myself. she ended up getting home thank god, but its still infuriating to look back on. i know ill barely be able to handle it and it will be hard but goddammit i just want to be helpful and worth a shit. my big sister came here today for easter with her nephew and her little sister (we're half blood siblings so her little sister isnt my little sister. its complicated) it was kind of sad seeing how much older shes gotten. shes in her mid 20s. and then i realized jesus fucking christ, im 19. i started crying and had to cover my face. i would not have been able to handle that conversation, so i ran upstairs. my family are all strangers to me. im close to my parents in that we talk often, but they dont truly know me beyond the music i play in the car. they dont even see the art i draw. they'd never understand. i feel as though a lot of this is my fault.
have a good easter. thanks for reading if you did.
03/20/24..........what do i title this melodramatic garbage
one of my least favorite things to be told is "me too" or anything similar. theres nothing wrong with saying that. theres nothing wrong with expressing similarity and familiarity with someone. its my specific brand of brain diseases that make me so aggressive when people do it to me. my brain reads it as dismissing me. it reads it as ignoring me and making it about themselves. thats not true. obviously thats not fucking true, its stupid...its genuinely idiotic and egotistical for me to think that. i cant shake it. in the moment im not telling myself "this is an irrational thought" im telling myself "this person is disrespecting me and has no acknowledgement of me whatsoever" i always get told "its good that you recognize your flaws, thats the first step" i guess im glad i recognize them. i guess it makes me a little bit less of a horrible person that i recognize my horrid flaws than letting them run rampant. but if im to be honest, me being able to recognize them almost make them even harder to manage. people always say once you figure out the flaw youre on your way to improving. but i hate the idea of me improving, because it implies who i am right now is worthless. it implies that what i am needs to be thrown out for a new improved less annoying version. i cant read it as anything else. the idea of me "improving" just makes me hate myself even more. well if i need to improve then. i dont know. i cant finish the thought, theres nothing there.
i want people to stay away from me. i want people to maintain a safe distance from my bubble of hubris and misery and self obsession and identity issues and let me wallow in it without them getting in and going "hey me too". this isnt fair of me to want because nobody has no way of knowing what is a safe distance from it. i dont even know what a safe distance is from it. i just want my things to be my things. i want what i like to be my little thing. go away. imn sorry im like this. im sorry im doing this to you. just stay away from my little thing. or at least say "this is your little thing" i dont care if i cant understand your relationship towards it bcs mine is far more dramatic and intense. so fucking stupid. i wish i were dead.
i want people to stay away from me. i want people to maintain a safe distance from my bubble of hubris and misery and self obsession and identity issues and let me wallow in it without them getting in and going "hey me too". this isnt fair of me to want because nobody has no way of knowing what is a safe distance from it. i dont even know what a safe distance is from it. i just want my things to be my things. i want what i like to be my little thing. go away. imn sorry im like this. im sorry im doing this to you. just stay away from my little thing. or at least say "this is your little thing" i dont care if i cant understand your relationship towards it bcs mine is far more dramatic and intense. so fucking stupid. i wish i were dead.
03/02/24....................strange elation
listening to: better off dead soundtrack
i am doing much better than i have been the past few days. i decided to go with my dad to the grocery store and because he knew ive been having a rough go of it being stuck inside, he got me steak and shake as well (which is my childhood favorite!) i got a burger, onion rings, chili, and a banana shake (the latter of which i just finished) i had a decently good time. perhaps i wouldve had a better time with my mom, but im grateful i got to do it regardless. im looking forward to the rest of the day and hoping it ends as good as it started.
tonight, im watching twin peaks with my friends. we'll be finishing it and moving onto fire walk with me later this week. im looking forward to seeing the climax! though, i read on tumblr that two books were "required" to understand the full story, which kind of upset me. idk. im not much of a reader and reading is a big hoop for me to jump through. it makes me feel like an illiterate idiot. but that wasnt really why i was upset about the books, i was moreso upset that i need to read TWO ENTIRE BOOKS just to get the full story on something... -_- idk it just felt like too much effort for me as a casual fan of the show. if i was a huge fan i would probably jump right to it but i really dont care about it enough to read two entire books.
im hoping to get some drawing done today and i also want to play some roblox. side order came out a week or so ago and im really looking forward to playing that. but the only problem is the hdmi connection from my switch to my tv has stopped working (...again.) and i really havent had the energy to trouble shoot it or mess with it. but i dont want to play side order on an itty bitty screen >:( just the thought is pissing me off. ill figure it out. im thinking of asking my dad for an extra hdmi cord to see if my cord is whats the problem. that will get me a long way in figuring out the issue i think.
im looking forward to the week!!! heres to a really great one!!! hugs and kisses.
i am doing much better than i have been the past few days. i decided to go with my dad to the grocery store and because he knew ive been having a rough go of it being stuck inside, he got me steak and shake as well (which is my childhood favorite!) i got a burger, onion rings, chili, and a banana shake (the latter of which i just finished) i had a decently good time. perhaps i wouldve had a better time with my mom, but im grateful i got to do it regardless. im looking forward to the rest of the day and hoping it ends as good as it started.
tonight, im watching twin peaks with my friends. we'll be finishing it and moving onto fire walk with me later this week. im looking forward to seeing the climax! though, i read on tumblr that two books were "required" to understand the full story, which kind of upset me. idk. im not much of a reader and reading is a big hoop for me to jump through. it makes me feel like an illiterate idiot. but that wasnt really why i was upset about the books, i was moreso upset that i need to read TWO ENTIRE BOOKS just to get the full story on something... -_- idk it just felt like too much effort for me as a casual fan of the show. if i was a huge fan i would probably jump right to it but i really dont care about it enough to read two entire books.
im hoping to get some drawing done today and i also want to play some roblox. side order came out a week or so ago and im really looking forward to playing that. but the only problem is the hdmi connection from my switch to my tv has stopped working (...again.) and i really havent had the energy to trouble shoot it or mess with it. but i dont want to play side order on an itty bitty screen >:( just the thought is pissing me off. ill figure it out. im thinking of asking my dad for an extra hdmi cord to see if my cord is whats the problem. that will get me a long way in figuring out the issue i think.
im looking forward to the week!!! heres to a really great one!!! hugs and kisses.
02/29/24....................'cause it keeps me sane
listening to: apple venus vol 1 by xtc
at last! a new blog entry! a lot has been going on for me, internally. mentally and stuff. i cant really say the edibles have responded well and i cant really see myself taking anymore in the future. i had a lot of fun when they went well, but when they go bad things can get pretty scary. basically i had two good times and two bad ones. ill think on it more. ive been going through a big mental transition i guess if you will. coping with things. ive been notorious for running away from my own mind my whole life, and i know now that its been doing me more harm than good. i feel as though it might be catching up to me. so im trying to commit to my mental health without just running away from it and getting scared. its so hard to face all of the problems i have because its like, your mind feeds off the very fear it instills off you. i feel as though my paranoia is just this endlessly hungry beast that grabs at all of my thoughts and eats them, never being satiated. it'll feed off anything and convince me of anything just to satisfy itself...i cant let it keep doing that. last night before going to bed i had this brief but intense horrifying feeling of anxiety. like it was some sort of anxiety or panic attack. my entire body started to buzz and i felt like i was gonna get cold sweats. it was horrifying. i know what caused it. and thats good, i think knowing what caused that really helps me feel better about it. but i still wish it never happened at all.
in this period of learning more about my mind and learning to be more comfortable and calm, and coping, im reminding myself of all of the wonderful things life has granted me and all of the untruths that my mind insists upon me everyday. im remembering that its been worse, and im living the better times right now. and that even from here, they can get even better. im remembering that despite everything my parents love me and i still love them. that my friends love me. that i still have two working arms and to working hands, two working legs and two working feet. that i can smell and hear and see. that i can breathe and sing. its been healing. enriching. to remember that no one has hurt me, and i wont be hurt because im lucky enough to be protected by those i love. i have nothing to truly be genuinely upset about, and its all just things my mind wants me to suffer for. i have to remember that my mind will try to hurt me. i need to stop focuses on possible traumas and focus on the real ones that i know happened. i need to remember that im happy and im okay and safe.
today is a leap day. i never quite realized how strange leap days and leap years are until this year. yes obviously there are real reasons why it happens. still crazy to think about, though. one extra day...and every other year its just not there. so bizarre. perhaps instead of viewing it as something scary or bizarre or perplexing i should view it as an extra opportunity to live. an extra day to exist. something we're lucky enough to be granted with every few years. i feel like im sounding a bit too "hippy dippy", i dont like coming off as that...im just trying to be positive. im probably just worried about how im coming off bcs im so paranoid of coming off wrong. or "incorrect"
im hoping this weekend i watch great movies, eat great food, laugh lots, and experience endless joy. i hope to notice the little things about sounds, smells, tastes. i hope to embrace all im lucky to have. i hope to remind myself that as long as the sun shines, change will persist and bless me. i hope all of this for you, as well!
at last! a new blog entry! a lot has been going on for me, internally. mentally and stuff. i cant really say the edibles have responded well and i cant really see myself taking anymore in the future. i had a lot of fun when they went well, but when they go bad things can get pretty scary. basically i had two good times and two bad ones. ill think on it more. ive been going through a big mental transition i guess if you will. coping with things. ive been notorious for running away from my own mind my whole life, and i know now that its been doing me more harm than good. i feel as though it might be catching up to me. so im trying to commit to my mental health without just running away from it and getting scared. its so hard to face all of the problems i have because its like, your mind feeds off the very fear it instills off you. i feel as though my paranoia is just this endlessly hungry beast that grabs at all of my thoughts and eats them, never being satiated. it'll feed off anything and convince me of anything just to satisfy itself...i cant let it keep doing that. last night before going to bed i had this brief but intense horrifying feeling of anxiety. like it was some sort of anxiety or panic attack. my entire body started to buzz and i felt like i was gonna get cold sweats. it was horrifying. i know what caused it. and thats good, i think knowing what caused that really helps me feel better about it. but i still wish it never happened at all.
in this period of learning more about my mind and learning to be more comfortable and calm, and coping, im reminding myself of all of the wonderful things life has granted me and all of the untruths that my mind insists upon me everyday. im remembering that its been worse, and im living the better times right now. and that even from here, they can get even better. im remembering that despite everything my parents love me and i still love them. that my friends love me. that i still have two working arms and to working hands, two working legs and two working feet. that i can smell and hear and see. that i can breathe and sing. its been healing. enriching. to remember that no one has hurt me, and i wont be hurt because im lucky enough to be protected by those i love. i have nothing to truly be genuinely upset about, and its all just things my mind wants me to suffer for. i have to remember that my mind will try to hurt me. i need to stop focuses on possible traumas and focus on the real ones that i know happened. i need to remember that im happy and im okay and safe.
today is a leap day. i never quite realized how strange leap days and leap years are until this year. yes obviously there are real reasons why it happens. still crazy to think about, though. one extra day...and every other year its just not there. so bizarre. perhaps instead of viewing it as something scary or bizarre or perplexing i should view it as an extra opportunity to live. an extra day to exist. something we're lucky enough to be granted with every few years. i feel like im sounding a bit too "hippy dippy", i dont like coming off as that...im just trying to be positive. im probably just worried about how im coming off bcs im so paranoid of coming off wrong. or "incorrect"
im hoping this weekend i watch great movies, eat great food, laugh lots, and experience endless joy. i hope to notice the little things about sounds, smells, tastes. i hope to embrace all im lucky to have. i hope to remind myself that as long as the sun shines, change will persist and bless me. i hope all of this for you, as well!
02/11/24....................we'll drive you crazayyy
listening to: dazed and confused soundtrack
hows it going. i took my first edible this week. heres what i wrote about that, while high, before giving up and getting distracted. dont write while high lol
bhiii im writing this while high off an edible. my first one ive never don e any thc or marjiuana aor anything else like that in my life this is my first. little thing. im ahving a really good time and im really. well now im really tired. but im just so happy i get to do this.n its so grea. t. i can barely focus but i wanted to write an entry bcs i felt it was a kind of lzdnmark moment in my life for sure. even if i never take an edible again it will still be such an important mment n my life. sooo yeah. ill write more later i m just so tired lol
anyways now that im sober i will comment that edibles are great. i really enjoyed my time taking them. i have a few more left. im planning to take 3 instead of the usual two on peter torks birthday. i know he was sober for years, decades even, but ill take it for the 60s tork. and also respect 80s-2010s tork while doing so. im so excited for his birthday! peter tork is one of my favorite people ever and i love him to pieces. his birthdays on the 13th. im hoping to draw something for him in time. but ive had like 3 wips sitting in csp for the past week. im great at starting drawings and horrible at finishing them!!! actually i just now remembered its 2 wips, i finished one bcs it was just meant to be a sketch. the 2 wips are of the blues brothers and my oc epsilon. pray i finish them!!!
i gotta pee so bad but someones in the bathroom so im going stir crazy trying to type this. but anyways the edible. i wanted to describe that experience. it was so great. first thing you feel is usually your body like, vibrating. like a wave completely over comes you and you can feel it underneath your skin. and then a sense of euphoria fills your body unlike anything you wouldve felt before. and then after that everything feels far away. your brain feels like its far away. stuff in front of you feels like its so far from you. music and audio in general is just so close and in your head. its great. its so great. i watched dazed and confused when i took the first edible. yesterday i took my third and watched twin peaks with my friends. twin peaks is great high. i recommend it.
aside from the edible partaking nothing else has really been happening. this week was hell. mostly. but i did try wingstop for the first time!!! which ive been dying to do for ages. my opinion on that was that it is very great and if you like wings you should try them out. but they are extremely rich and savory and salty. and also it gave me diahrrea...lol........so watch out for that..........id eat it again though. i think the ranch is just as good as everyone hyped it up to be. now that ive tried wingstop all i have to do is try canes and in n out and ill finally be a mukbang tiktoker. LOLLL also todahys the superbowl! which i dont fucking care about. even remotely. see i love the superbowl every year, but NOT for the program itself. FOR THE FOOOODDDD!!!! i never watch the program. ive not laid eyes on a superbowl in 5 years. but my dad cooks the best finger foods that day. today we got candied meatballs and cocktail wienies. and a cheese ball and taco dip. and some other stuff but those things im most excited for. i personally believe sports, all of it, is up there with the most evil sinister things the world has invented. i hate sports. especially in its current state.i promise you that stuff is not based on skill anymore...and its all about money. the nfl is not being shy about how clear it is theyre using taylor swift as a way to make more money and get more ratings. mattel made an nfl barbie for pete's sake!!! ughh!!! if you watch that garbage to see taylor swift you're disgusting. if you like taylor swift youre disgusting too. ugghh i HATE that woman. she truly makes me nauseous.
OHHH ive also been so into steve martin lately. ive watched like 4 movies of his this past week. he is such a treat!!! i cant describe why i like him so much i just dooo and i look forward to seeing more of his movies. i also want to get more into john candy's filmography too though bcs i love him in planes trains <33 hes so cute and so so sweet looking i just love him so much. planes trains really got me into both him and steve and i want to watch their other stuff now cause theyre just such a delight on screen. tonight im watching a movie with my friends, and its johnnys turn to pick one. i thinkkkkkk we're watching exorcist iii! which we saw already but we're rewatching it.
hmmm what else what else... i believe that should be it. im planning on making an nsfw page for the site so i can separate all my musings about sex. looking forward to that!!! im also gonna pick my room up a little bit. not crazy but just getting the piles of plates out of here -_- wish me luck on that and pray i actually do it. AND PRAY I PEE SOON OHH MY GODDD ok byeee!
hows it going. i took my first edible this week. heres what i wrote about that, while high, before giving up and getting distracted. dont write while high lol
bhiii im writing this while high off an edible. my first one ive never don e any thc or marjiuana aor anything else like that in my life this is my first. little thing. im ahving a really good time and im really. well now im really tired. but im just so happy i get to do this.n its so grea. t. i can barely focus but i wanted to write an entry bcs i felt it was a kind of lzdnmark moment in my life for sure. even if i never take an edible again it will still be such an important mment n my life. sooo yeah. ill write more later i m just so tired lol
anyways now that im sober i will comment that edibles are great. i really enjoyed my time taking them. i have a few more left. im planning to take 3 instead of the usual two on peter torks birthday. i know he was sober for years, decades even, but ill take it for the 60s tork. and also respect 80s-2010s tork while doing so. im so excited for his birthday! peter tork is one of my favorite people ever and i love him to pieces. his birthdays on the 13th. im hoping to draw something for him in time. but ive had like 3 wips sitting in csp for the past week. im great at starting drawings and horrible at finishing them!!! actually i just now remembered its 2 wips, i finished one bcs it was just meant to be a sketch. the 2 wips are of the blues brothers and my oc epsilon. pray i finish them!!!
i gotta pee so bad but someones in the bathroom so im going stir crazy trying to type this. but anyways the edible. i wanted to describe that experience. it was so great. first thing you feel is usually your body like, vibrating. like a wave completely over comes you and you can feel it underneath your skin. and then a sense of euphoria fills your body unlike anything you wouldve felt before. and then after that everything feels far away. your brain feels like its far away. stuff in front of you feels like its so far from you. music and audio in general is just so close and in your head. its great. its so great. i watched dazed and confused when i took the first edible. yesterday i took my third and watched twin peaks with my friends. twin peaks is great high. i recommend it.
aside from the edible partaking nothing else has really been happening. this week was hell. mostly. but i did try wingstop for the first time!!! which ive been dying to do for ages. my opinion on that was that it is very great and if you like wings you should try them out. but they are extremely rich and savory and salty. and also it gave me diahrrea...lol........so watch out for that..........id eat it again though. i think the ranch is just as good as everyone hyped it up to be. now that ive tried wingstop all i have to do is try canes and in n out and ill finally be a mukbang tiktoker. LOLLL also todahys the superbowl! which i dont fucking care about. even remotely. see i love the superbowl every year, but NOT for the program itself. FOR THE FOOOODDDD!!!! i never watch the program. ive not laid eyes on a superbowl in 5 years. but my dad cooks the best finger foods that day. today we got candied meatballs and cocktail wienies. and a cheese ball and taco dip. and some other stuff but those things im most excited for. i personally believe sports, all of it, is up there with the most evil sinister things the world has invented. i hate sports. especially in its current state.i promise you that stuff is not based on skill anymore...and its all about money. the nfl is not being shy about how clear it is theyre using taylor swift as a way to make more money and get more ratings. mattel made an nfl barbie for pete's sake!!! ughh!!! if you watch that garbage to see taylor swift you're disgusting. if you like taylor swift youre disgusting too. ugghh i HATE that woman. she truly makes me nauseous.
OHHH ive also been so into steve martin lately. ive watched like 4 movies of his this past week. he is such a treat!!! i cant describe why i like him so much i just dooo and i look forward to seeing more of his movies. i also want to get more into john candy's filmography too though bcs i love him in planes trains <33 hes so cute and so so sweet looking i just love him so much. planes trains really got me into both him and steve and i want to watch their other stuff now cause theyre just such a delight on screen. tonight im watching a movie with my friends, and its johnnys turn to pick one. i thinkkkkkk we're watching exorcist iii! which we saw already but we're rewatching it.
hmmm what else what else... i believe that should be it. im planning on making an nsfw page for the site so i can separate all my musings about sex. looking forward to that!!! im also gonna pick my room up a little bit. not crazy but just getting the piles of plates out of here -_- wish me luck on that and pray i actually do it. AND PRAY I PEE SOON OHH MY GODDD ok byeee!
02/06/24....................you dont like me
im such a "you think youre better than me?" person. its a disease. i misread almost everything people say to me as them telling me they think theyre better than me and know it. this is bcs I fully believe everyone is better than me. even people i dont like and i wont ADMIT are better than me i will still believe theyre better than me. obviously this is because im horribly insecure. i hate everything about myself. well, if you didnt somehow know already, hating yourself just makes you ten times worse as a person. i dont like facing that. because it makes me hate myself more. its literally like ouroburos. its a self inflicted cycle. its so hard to stop. you hate yourself, someone says something you misinterpret, and then you react in an uncalled for way because you fucking hate yourself, you then loathe how you reacted, and it just repeats. its miserable. its truly miserable. some days i wish my friends just told me how much they hated me to my face. i want them to hate me. i feel almost as if im not satisfied if they dont confirm it. because its like, being stuck in suspicion is so hard. its scary and its irritating and it just makes me angrier. to someone with a mindset like me im convinced that theyre all hiding their hatred for me. it feels like they all know how horrible i am and just arent telling me. and its like, well i know now. you can tell me now because i know. its okay. a lot of people say this line of thinking is painful for your friends because it tells them that you view them as hateful people. thats not how it is in my head though. i view my friends as smart, calm, emotionally mature, nice people who dont want their lives being ridden by someone like me. THATS the way i see it. im burdening them. im troubling their already troubled lives with my horrid actions. "do better" "better yourself" "look inside yourself for the better you" ect ect and anyting that sounds like that. i have. i have been doing that. oh my god ive been doing it for the past 6 years. when i was 12 my entire friends list on facebook started making posts about how irritating i was. they all knew i could see it. they just said it anyways. i was completely gutted. if i didnt hate myself before i hated myself even more. after that ive been trying to "do better" all this time. i think people dont understand how hard it is to do better. last night i watched a movie with my friends and i got so fucking upset and stressed out i couldnt look at what they were saying about the movie i had to tab out. i was so fucking frustrated the entire run time of the movie i just wanted to fucking kill myself. all i wanted was to dig a deep hole in the mud and fucking die there. is tabbing out and not saying anything during a movie "doing better?" yes i didnt hurt them. i didnt do anything to hurt them. but then waht about me? im still in pain. im still seething. im still mentally unstable behind the screen. whats wrong with me?
02/03/24....................shake a tail feather
happy february! january as a whole felt really long, and it seems many agree. it was a very run of the mill month. i wouldnt say theres much to note of it though i did watch a lot of movies. ive also been watching quite a bit of twin peaks as well, with my friends! ive seen it before but i never got to finish it. so i decided to rewatch it and then finish past when i stopped, but with my friends. since all of them wanted to see it anyways!!!
as is the usual case in my house, money is really bad right now. my dad only had 100 dollars for groceries so this week is gonna be pretty balls and sacks. ill try and make the best of it. wish me luck! because of this my mom had to give what money she had back for my birthday money to rent -_- she never gave me it bcs her car had been broke down and she couldnt get a card for the money to be put on. it seems almost as though this was fate, prolonging my mother from giving me my money so she could inevitably throw it towards rent so we could fucking. survive. i guess. she told me ill get it finally soon though. i fucking HOPE!!!!!!!! god theres so much shit i want im clamoring. christmas sucked. birthday sucked. i just want shit i actually like oh my god please. im not spoiled. just poor and tired of it. and doomed with parents who dont understand me.
speaking of birthday and christmas, i did get really great gifts from my good friend alex. two mike nesmith records, the sleeve to the potp record, some cds, just to name a few highlights. that was probably the best part about january! my room has fallen in disarray btw. i cant stand looking at my surroundings. im praying for it to finally be clean one day. sighhhh
my hopes for february go as follows..
order chinese takeout at least 2 times (ouughh)
watch at least 3 great movies
get room clean once and for fucking all
get the sherlock outfit on splatoon
finish the mikey and fletcher story, or at least get lots of progress in
watch a john candy movie
finish twin peaks
draw something i actually like
order my fucking vibrator.
get stickers for my phone and laptop
and thats it. hopefully its not too much to ask of lady luck! i know she hates me but maybe she'll cut me some slack. alright, im done. peace!
as is the usual case in my house, money is really bad right now. my dad only had 100 dollars for groceries so this week is gonna be pretty balls and sacks. ill try and make the best of it. wish me luck! because of this my mom had to give what money she had back for my birthday money to rent -_- she never gave me it bcs her car had been broke down and she couldnt get a card for the money to be put on. it seems almost as though this was fate, prolonging my mother from giving me my money so she could inevitably throw it towards rent so we could fucking. survive. i guess. she told me ill get it finally soon though. i fucking HOPE!!!!!!!! god theres so much shit i want im clamoring. christmas sucked. birthday sucked. i just want shit i actually like oh my god please. im not spoiled. just poor and tired of it. and doomed with parents who dont understand me.
speaking of birthday and christmas, i did get really great gifts from my good friend alex. two mike nesmith records, the sleeve to the potp record, some cds, just to name a few highlights. that was probably the best part about january! my room has fallen in disarray btw. i cant stand looking at my surroundings. im praying for it to finally be clean one day. sighhhh
my hopes for february go as follows..
order chinese takeout at least 2 times (ouughh)
watch at least 3 great movies
get room clean once and for fucking all
get the sherlock outfit on splatoon
finish the mikey and fletcher story, or at least get lots of progress in
watch a john candy movie
finish twin peaks
draw something i actually like
order my fucking vibrator.
get stickers for my phone and laptop
and thats it. hopefully its not too much to ask of lady luck! i know she hates me but maybe she'll cut me some slack. alright, im done. peace!
01/25/24....................imagine me and you
i watched two movies in a row last night. mars attacks, and adaptation. both were alright in their own ways. ive also been slowly chipping away an oc story, specifically about my ocs mikey and fletcher. my ocs actually mean a great deal to me, and i draw them often and think about them often. they just arent present on this site bcs my art has been traced in the past and i still really dont feel comfortable posting it anywhere. im not very good at writing, pretty much at all. i wrote a decent story about a year ago but i still think it could be improved. i want to be able to write, and i even like doing it. but i feel as though its similar to art in that it will take me ages to write anything that doesnt feel like a stream of consciousness and more like an actual uniform story. i dont read books. ive read a lot of fanfiction, but even that i have little reason to read these days. so im really working with nothing. you might wonder why i want to write and why i try writing if i dont read books. its mostly because i want to adapt things i cant within my own illustrations. my oc lore is really big, so much so that i could spend days talking about it. so naturally i want to adapt them into readable stories, mostly for my own enjoyment but there is a part of me thats motivated to do it for my 3 friends as well so they understand my ocs better.
back on the topic of movies, which ive been watching a lot of lately, if you want to read my reviews and thoughts and see what ive been watching lately please feel free to take a look at my letterboxd. its linked on the main page! im also completely fine with recommendations, and i encourage them. throw any movie my way. i would especially love it if your recommendations coincided with movies i already liked. that would be nice of you. i think maybe in the future i may post movie reviews on my site, but its not top of my to-do list. right now i want to work more on my xtc shrine and a page for my record collection.
ok stop reading here i will discuss 18+ topics
im still working very hard on getting my first vibrator. working veyr hard as in asking my mom over and over again when she'll give me my birthday money. which is what im buying it with. no my mom doesnt know. no i didnt tell her. im not crazy. im not independant. i dont make money. its pathetic. anyways ive been more sexually open with my close friend johnny lately, and its been a huge weight off my shoulders. it never occurred to me how healthy it would be to have another person to discuss the nature of sexuality with. completely platonically. my whole life, and especially after becoming an adult, ive been completely ashamed of my sexual desire. feeling totally repulsive and shameful every time i feel aroused. but after starting to be more open with my friends, ive felt more empowered by it than i ever have.
nonetheless its still pretty upsetting to remember i dont Have anyone to actually Do anything with. most of my day is spent fantasizing about a gentle, caring, beautiful man that will satisfy me and do everything ive ever wanted done to me. all i can do is dream. i wish i could just run into a beautiful man miraculously. i know a beautiful man. but hes taken. and too old for me. thats the only one i know. so. thats too bad. though i think if i knew an available beautiful man he still wouldnt want me. who would? i find it hard to believe anybody would see me and think sexual desire. what else is there to write here?
ive also been chipping away at a piece for my friend. this ive had rotting in my file libraries since september. its for mews birthday. im really looking forward to finishing it, because its really close. but every time i try to work on it i get extremely fatigued and tired and i cant think straight. it seems like all i do is sleep anymore. i dont really know how to stop doing that. i actually would be sleeping right now, i only woke up bcs i was starving and my limbs were aching. so i woke up ate breakfast and decided to do this...downstairs in my front room instead of in my bed like usual. many people say its mentally beneficial to get out of bed, and even get out of your room, to help motivate you. i think this is true! nonetheless i will probably go back to sleep after i put this on the site. bye!
back on the topic of movies, which ive been watching a lot of lately, if you want to read my reviews and thoughts and see what ive been watching lately please feel free to take a look at my letterboxd. its linked on the main page! im also completely fine with recommendations, and i encourage them. throw any movie my way. i would especially love it if your recommendations coincided with movies i already liked. that would be nice of you. i think maybe in the future i may post movie reviews on my site, but its not top of my to-do list. right now i want to work more on my xtc shrine and a page for my record collection.
ok stop reading here i will discuss 18+ topics
im still working very hard on getting my first vibrator. working veyr hard as in asking my mom over and over again when she'll give me my birthday money. which is what im buying it with. no my mom doesnt know. no i didnt tell her. im not crazy. im not independant. i dont make money. its pathetic. anyways ive been more sexually open with my close friend johnny lately, and its been a huge weight off my shoulders. it never occurred to me how healthy it would be to have another person to discuss the nature of sexuality with. completely platonically. my whole life, and especially after becoming an adult, ive been completely ashamed of my sexual desire. feeling totally repulsive and shameful every time i feel aroused. but after starting to be more open with my friends, ive felt more empowered by it than i ever have.
nonetheless its still pretty upsetting to remember i dont Have anyone to actually Do anything with. most of my day is spent fantasizing about a gentle, caring, beautiful man that will satisfy me and do everything ive ever wanted done to me. all i can do is dream. i wish i could just run into a beautiful man miraculously. i know a beautiful man. but hes taken. and too old for me. thats the only one i know. so. thats too bad. though i think if i knew an available beautiful man he still wouldnt want me. who would? i find it hard to believe anybody would see me and think sexual desire. what else is there to write here?
01/13/24.........in a world so coooolddd
watching: vinesauce
devastating temperatures and a windchill ravaged my town for another year and a row and bitch it was fucking cold in the house!!! all day!!!!! my house is a piece of garbage shit thats horribly insulated, has holes in the ceiling, a badly working furnace and heat that turns off and on, and raccoons living in the roof!!! YAY!!!! I LIVE IN A HEALTH HAZARD!!! so yeah it was definitely fucking coldburger all day and it was made all the more worse bcs i got three vaccines yesterday, one of them my meningitis shot, and if you know anything you know that bitch packs a PUNCH!!!! so i was all dizzy and sickly and way colder than usual ect ect. but i watched some seinfeld downstairs and took a nap and all that stuff while spending time with my mom and i got better. yayyy
i cant be too miserable, im trying to be more positive and loving. i will try to let out my worst thoughts here mahybe? things are going well. i think some form of seasonal affective disorder hit me today, bcs it was so cold out and looked so bad..and it was so cold in the house. and still kinda sorta is. idk, im actually finding myself in a less than perfect mood right now. but im still off my prozac, and on that topic i saw the doctor yesterday (hence the three vaccines) and hopefully i think i can finally get my prozac and other meds! yay! hopefully once i get back on my prozac i wont feel as dreadful and in a funk i would really like to have her back in my life. today was just a bad day in general though, i handled it well, theres been worse. but yeah..
in other news i should finally be getting my birthday and christmas money next friday, or that weekend. im sooo ecstatic for obvious reasons but also stop reading if you are under 18 or hate sex talk
im HOPEFULLY getting a vibrator with the money. YAAAAAAAY YOU DONT UNDERSTAND HOW BADLY I WANT ONE. if youve seen my recent entries about my sexual frustration i think you can understand why i want one so bad. ohhh my god itd be a blessing. sexual freedom and joy for everyone INCLUDING PATHETIC TOUCH STARVED JACKIEEE!!
also im working on another story about my ocs, mikey and fletcher. its going to cover the story of their meeting and their first time gettin' it on. theyre sex life is very important to their characters and has been a big aspect of their story for ages so im really dying to get the whole thing down and cleared up. i want to write more about my ocs in general. both smut and just normal stuff. i want to develop my ocs to the best of my ability for no one but me. yay! heres to a shame free experience of writing my freaks
okay im outta here. seeya
devastating temperatures and a windchill ravaged my town for another year and a row and bitch it was fucking cold in the house!!! all day!!!!! my house is a piece of garbage shit thats horribly insulated, has holes in the ceiling, a badly working furnace and heat that turns off and on, and raccoons living in the roof!!! YAY!!!! I LIVE IN A HEALTH HAZARD!!! so yeah it was definitely fucking coldburger all day and it was made all the more worse bcs i got three vaccines yesterday, one of them my meningitis shot, and if you know anything you know that bitch packs a PUNCH!!!! so i was all dizzy and sickly and way colder than usual ect ect. but i watched some seinfeld downstairs and took a nap and all that stuff while spending time with my mom and i got better. yayyy
i cant be too miserable, im trying to be more positive and loving. i will try to let out my worst thoughts here mahybe? things are going well. i think some form of seasonal affective disorder hit me today, bcs it was so cold out and looked so bad..and it was so cold in the house. and still kinda sorta is. idk, im actually finding myself in a less than perfect mood right now. but im still off my prozac, and on that topic i saw the doctor yesterday (hence the three vaccines) and hopefully i think i can finally get my prozac and other meds! yay! hopefully once i get back on my prozac i wont feel as dreadful and in a funk i would really like to have her back in my life. today was just a bad day in general though, i handled it well, theres been worse. but yeah..
in other news i should finally be getting my birthday and christmas money next friday, or that weekend. im sooo ecstatic for obvious reasons but also stop reading if you are under 18 or hate sex talk
im HOPEFULLY getting a vibrator with the money. YAAAAAAAY YOU DONT UNDERSTAND HOW BADLY I WANT ONE. if youve seen my recent entries about my sexual frustration i think you can understand why i want one so bad. ohhh my god itd be a blessing. sexual freedom and joy for everyone INCLUDING PATHETIC TOUCH STARVED JACKIEEE!!
also im working on another story about my ocs, mikey and fletcher. its going to cover the story of their meeting and their first time gettin' it on. theyre sex life is very important to their characters and has been a big aspect of their story for ages so im really dying to get the whole thing down and cleared up. i want to write more about my ocs in general. both smut and just normal stuff. i want to develop my ocs to the best of my ability for no one but me. yay! heres to a shame free experience of writing my freaks
okay im outta here. seeya
01/11/24.........whistling in the dark
listening to: flood by tmbg
watching: lost media found in 2023 from blameitonjorge
drinking: coffee
eating: pickle potato chips
yeah ive not been doing good as my past entry has made obvious. i ran out of my prozac probably 2 weeks ago and have been in a constant back and forth with the pharmacy and insurance to get it back. along with my asthma medication which you know, lets me function. lol. my rescue inhaler is completely empty but dont tell my mom. i have a doctors appointment tomorrow that im fucking dreading only bcs i always dread them i hate doctors appointments. covid cases spiking lately has also made me incredibly fucking paranoid bcs my parents dont care and i dont have reliable masks. such is FUCKING life. nonetheless ive been in a good mood today after having a full blown meltdown yesterday.
i made four pieces of french toast for breakfast this morning, which were good but not as good as my dads. i had an awful cup of coffee though but thankfully i made a new pot and it tasted good (whcih is what im drinking now). i also started my morning listening to they might be giants which i havent been listening to regularly much at all, due to me playing them out for years now...but ive really been digging it again today, its like im rediscovering them. on that topic of tmbg btw, i really do hate it when other people like them. if youve kept up with my blog posts you know im incredibly sensitive to people liking my interests and tmbg i take especially to heart bcs when i got into them the fanbase was mostly not autistic and neurotic 12 year olds (which was what i was at the time) but these days, its simply OVERRUN with that type. you might think i should be glad, but im not. i agree with you though, I SHOULD be glad. but imjust not. i cant muster it. its because of my insane need to be the only one to like something. i have this genuine, unironic, "before it was cool" "real fan" attitude with things and it just makes liking things so much more insufferable for me. if you're thinking "haha, this idiot must be miserable." thanks, i am! you dont have to worry about that.
im taking a general social Break. im isolating myself from others. this is not good! but i need to! im becoming terrible to be around. even if my freinds claim im not i just know i am...im a corrosive person... im like..septic...ugh...im a hypocritical self obsessed freak of nature. and i hate that. whatever. i dont think i have much more to add. bye
watching: lost media found in 2023 from blameitonjorge
drinking: coffee
eating: pickle potato chips
yeah ive not been doing good as my past entry has made obvious. i ran out of my prozac probably 2 weeks ago and have been in a constant back and forth with the pharmacy and insurance to get it back. along with my asthma medication which you know, lets me function. lol. my rescue inhaler is completely empty but dont tell my mom. i have a doctors appointment tomorrow that im fucking dreading only bcs i always dread them i hate doctors appointments. covid cases spiking lately has also made me incredibly fucking paranoid bcs my parents dont care and i dont have reliable masks. such is FUCKING life. nonetheless ive been in a good mood today after having a full blown meltdown yesterday.
i made four pieces of french toast for breakfast this morning, which were good but not as good as my dads. i had an awful cup of coffee though but thankfully i made a new pot and it tasted good (whcih is what im drinking now). i also started my morning listening to they might be giants which i havent been listening to regularly much at all, due to me playing them out for years now...but ive really been digging it again today, its like im rediscovering them. on that topic of tmbg btw, i really do hate it when other people like them. if youve kept up with my blog posts you know im incredibly sensitive to people liking my interests and tmbg i take especially to heart bcs when i got into them the fanbase was mostly not autistic and neurotic 12 year olds (which was what i was at the time) but these days, its simply OVERRUN with that type. you might think i should be glad, but im not. i agree with you though, I SHOULD be glad. but imjust not. i cant muster it. its because of my insane need to be the only one to like something. i have this genuine, unironic, "before it was cool" "real fan" attitude with things and it just makes liking things so much more insufferable for me. if you're thinking "haha, this idiot must be miserable." thanks, i am! you dont have to worry about that.
im taking a general social Break. im isolating myself from others. this is not good! but i need to! im becoming terrible to be around. even if my freinds claim im not i just know i am...im a corrosive person... im like..septic...ugh...im a hypocritical self obsessed freak of nature. and i hate that. whatever. i dont think i have much more to add. bye
01/07/24.........im not going to do it dont freak out
listening to: xtc
ive been off my prozac for like 3 days and i alreayd want to fucking kill myself i dont have it bcs of the idiotic pharmacy not being able to fill it fo rme im so fucking mad i hate that i had to switch insurance for no reason i hate that they put me ina d ifferent pharmacy that didnt already have prozac stocked so now i have to sit and wail uncontrollably at my desk and resist the urge to start beating myself senseless until i stgart bleeding i want tof ucking die so fucking bad im so fucking miserable i cant do anything right now i just want to die someone please fucking kill me oh my god im so fucking mad im so fucking upset im so fucking depressed i feel like biting my own fucking figners off oh my god i cant fucking stand it
im being wrongfullymena to my fucking friends who did not deserve the brunt of my idiocy im saying stupid useless shit and being even more annoying than i usually am i just wanna die im so fucking stupid i cant function without a dumb fucking chemical in my body bcs im a failuire of a huma ni cant fucking take it anmyorte oh my god i just wana fucking go away i wanna be asleep forever. uuuggghhhh someone fucking kill me FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCKK IM TRYING SOO HARD NOT TO START THROWING SHIT AND BREAKING SHIT AROUND MY ALREADY DISGUSTING ROOM i wanna take a shower but the mere idea of doing so is making me so fucking angry id rather kill myself than shower id rather die than do anything i dont even like the feeling of existing right now i feel like tearing my skin off. FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ive been off my prozac for like 3 days and i alreayd want to fucking kill myself i dont have it bcs of the idiotic pharmacy not being able to fill it fo rme im so fucking mad i hate that i had to switch insurance for no reason i hate that they put me ina d ifferent pharmacy that didnt already have prozac stocked so now i have to sit and wail uncontrollably at my desk and resist the urge to start beating myself senseless until i stgart bleeding i want tof ucking die so fucking bad im so fucking miserable i cant do anything right now i just want to die someone please fucking kill me oh my god im so fucking mad im so fucking upset im so fucking depressed i feel like biting my own fucking figners off oh my god i cant fucking stand it
im being wrongfullymena to my fucking friends who did not deserve the brunt of my idiocy im saying stupid useless shit and being even more annoying than i usually am i just wanna die im so fucking stupid i cant function without a dumb fucking chemical in my body bcs im a failuire of a huma ni cant fucking take it anmyorte oh my god i just wana fucking go away i wanna be asleep forever. uuuggghhhh someone fucking kill me FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCKK IM TRYING SOO HARD NOT TO START THROWING SHIT AND BREAKING SHIT AROUND MY ALREADY DISGUSTING ROOM i wanna take a shower but the mere idea of doing so is making me so fucking angry id rather kill myself than shower id rather die than do anything i dont even like the feeling of existing right now i feel like tearing my skin off. FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
12/27/23.................jump for joy, jump for joy!
listening to: xtc
this morning i woke up to possibly the best thing that the universe could grace me. an article from swindon advertiser interviewing all four of the mainstay xtc members (andy, colin, david, terry). ohh i was over the moon, completely jumping for joy. what a wonderful gift to wake up to!!! what a lucky note to end the year on!!!
if you werent already aware, xtc is my favorite band of all time. period. i love their music than anybody elses and i think no one could ever hope to top them. no one!! no one ever ever ever. their music has touched my soul in a way i cant explain and they are a bigger deal to me than anything else i can describe. their lyrics have helped me find identity and have given me creative inspiration time and time again for the past 3, nearly 4, years. i know about their history inside and out, so you can imagine my reaction when a band whos entirely went their separate ways for the past 16 years...all agree to do an interview. of course, this interview wasnt done with all four of them around eachother. but its all four of them, being asked the same questions and put together in the same article!!! which is huge by itself because of the status of xtc for the past decade and a half.
the article focused mainly on the band's relationship to their home town of swindon, opinions on it and theyre place in the towns history. which warmed my heart, and made me smile. id love to visit swindon one day...but the main attraction of this article was of course them discussing the possibility of a reunion. which is slim. oh, extremely slim! i knew it was slim before i even read it. andy is easy to predict in terms of questions like this. david, colin, and terry saw potential- but all ultimately agreed that it depended on andy. because xtc isnt xtc without that lovable, high maintenence lad. andy's response to the hypothetical was expected, but nonetheless something i want to talk about.
andy essentially says the idea horrifies him, and that theres few things sadder than a bunch of, in his words, "fat balding old farts waddling on stage in the name of nostalgia", which i completely see where hes coming from and understand...but, i disagree! especially as a now huge monkees fan. the monkees are numero uno for fat old farts that waddle on stage, lol. but the way i see it, at least in the monkees sake, is that its not from a place of nostalgia. i think for a lot of old bands, reunions arent done for nostalgia. i think it represents a greater passion and desire for creating and performing with those youve spent your career with, and your very own fans. but another thing i think thats worth bringing up is that andy immediately assumed touring, but the way i see it is that they shouldnt do a reunion tour! they toured for not even half of xtc's lifespan as a band. they stopped in 1982 for petes sake!!! while id truly give anything to see my favorite band of all time live after thinking there'd be no chance, i dont believe a reunion tour is whats best for xtc in its current state nor is it needed. see, what i firmly believe, is that we need a new xtc album.
id love to hear new music from all of them, to hear all four of them together on something again for the first time in what would be nearly 40 years...just the idea makes me wanna click my heels. with andy releasing my failed songwriting career, colin recording stuff, and terry doing stuff as extc, plus with the past tc&i project...i can see a big possibility of a great new xtc album. however, andy does suffer from tinnitus and has expressed in a similarly recent interview that he has lost a lot of his former passion for music. which i sympathize with and feel so terrible for him...i feel as though, thats the only thing that makes a new xtc release so unlikely. and really, i wouldnt care if we got one or not either way. because to me xtc will always be great and they dont NEED a new album. they dont NEED a new ANYTHING. because xtc in its current state is so flawless and strong even today.
but yeah thats my general opinion of the topic of anything "new" coming out of xtc, my favorite band of all time. they mean the world to me and anything coming from them would be a miracle. but i would never demand them or beg them...any outcome would make me happy all the same.
this morning i woke up to possibly the best thing that the universe could grace me. an article from swindon advertiser interviewing all four of the mainstay xtc members (andy, colin, david, terry). ohh i was over the moon, completely jumping for joy. what a wonderful gift to wake up to!!! what a lucky note to end the year on!!!
if you werent already aware, xtc is my favorite band of all time. period. i love their music than anybody elses and i think no one could ever hope to top them. no one!! no one ever ever ever. their music has touched my soul in a way i cant explain and they are a bigger deal to me than anything else i can describe. their lyrics have helped me find identity and have given me creative inspiration time and time again for the past 3, nearly 4, years. i know about their history inside and out, so you can imagine my reaction when a band whos entirely went their separate ways for the past 16 years...all agree to do an interview. of course, this interview wasnt done with all four of them around eachother. but its all four of them, being asked the same questions and put together in the same article!!! which is huge by itself because of the status of xtc for the past decade and a half.
the article focused mainly on the band's relationship to their home town of swindon, opinions on it and theyre place in the towns history. which warmed my heart, and made me smile. id love to visit swindon one day...but the main attraction of this article was of course them discussing the possibility of a reunion. which is slim. oh, extremely slim! i knew it was slim before i even read it. andy is easy to predict in terms of questions like this. david, colin, and terry saw potential- but all ultimately agreed that it depended on andy. because xtc isnt xtc without that lovable, high maintenence lad. andy's response to the hypothetical was expected, but nonetheless something i want to talk about.
andy essentially says the idea horrifies him, and that theres few things sadder than a bunch of, in his words, "fat balding old farts waddling on stage in the name of nostalgia", which i completely see where hes coming from and understand...but, i disagree! especially as a now huge monkees fan. the monkees are numero uno for fat old farts that waddle on stage, lol. but the way i see it, at least in the monkees sake, is that its not from a place of nostalgia. i think for a lot of old bands, reunions arent done for nostalgia. i think it represents a greater passion and desire for creating and performing with those youve spent your career with, and your very own fans. but another thing i think thats worth bringing up is that andy immediately assumed touring, but the way i see it is that they shouldnt do a reunion tour! they toured for not even half of xtc's lifespan as a band. they stopped in 1982 for petes sake!!! while id truly give anything to see my favorite band of all time live after thinking there'd be no chance, i dont believe a reunion tour is whats best for xtc in its current state nor is it needed. see, what i firmly believe, is that we need a new xtc album.
id love to hear new music from all of them, to hear all four of them together on something again for the first time in what would be nearly 40 years...just the idea makes me wanna click my heels. with andy releasing my failed songwriting career, colin recording stuff, and terry doing stuff as extc, plus with the past tc&i project...i can see a big possibility of a great new xtc album. however, andy does suffer from tinnitus and has expressed in a similarly recent interview that he has lost a lot of his former passion for music. which i sympathize with and feel so terrible for him...i feel as though, thats the only thing that makes a new xtc release so unlikely. and really, i wouldnt care if we got one or not either way. because to me xtc will always be great and they dont NEED a new album. they dont NEED a new ANYTHING. because xtc in its current state is so flawless and strong even today.
but yeah thats my general opinion of the topic of anything "new" coming out of xtc, my favorite band of all time. they mean the world to me and anything coming from them would be a miracle. but i would never demand them or beg them...any outcome would make me happy all the same.
12/24/23.................im breathing in, im breathing out
songs listened to while typing this:
margaret freeman - the residents
take me to the river live - talking heads
i will never love you - bondage fairies
like humans do - david byrne
well, im 19 and what have i got to say for it. nothing!!!!!!! what have i been doing the past couple of days. listening to more monkees. enjoying more monkees. watching more seinfeld occassionally. eating like a pig. this is just my everyday to be honest. getting depressed and miserable and embarrassed and scared and anxious. ect ect!!
past 4 days ive been having asthma flare ups which has been scary and odd bcs ive not had any of such significance since i was really little. but im managing it and i know if something happens ill get taken care of. probably. ummm...what else...
ive been drawing? listening to music incessantly? i dont know what ive been doing. i dont do anything. i watched planes, trains, and automobiles the other day and im so so in love with it. i also watched the king of comedy the same night with my friend charlie, and we both really enjoyed it.
oh right on my birthday i got candy, a shirt which i love, two projecting lights, and um. a phonecase that didnt fit my phone. my mom has to return it. LOL. i also got a peace sign necklace which reminds me so much of peter tork :)) one of my favorite people ever if you didnt know. i also got stickers. oh and i had this DELICIOUS MASSIVE cheesecake and it was the most delicious confectionary i had ever tasted...and i made cupcakes, and decorated them. they were very yummy. i also had chinese that night for dinner and it was so delicious, even if the power went out as soon as i started eating -_- completely ruined my mood. i was watching wrath of khan that night with my friends alex, charlie, and earthy.
im looking forward to christmas tomorrow, and hoping for some good stuff that wont rot away in my room like most gifts i tend to get. im still grateful. i love my mom. maybe im just hard to get gifts for... or maybe its because i dont have a life. i plan on watching the grinch while i eat christmas dinner.
oh also i managed to get the floor of my room cleared off, i need to do some more picking up at some point. if this breathing issue persists though idk when that will be. we'll see. today i danced around to monkees songs in my room and tried to fight an asthma attack bcs i weigh dancing over my life. naturally. i keep falling asleep while playing candy crush...
i hope you have a good christmas. hugs and kisses
margaret freeman - the residents
take me to the river live - talking heads
i will never love you - bondage fairies
like humans do - david byrne
well, im 19 and what have i got to say for it. nothing!!!!!!! what have i been doing the past couple of days. listening to more monkees. enjoying more monkees. watching more seinfeld occassionally. eating like a pig. this is just my everyday to be honest. getting depressed and miserable and embarrassed and scared and anxious. ect ect!!
past 4 days ive been having asthma flare ups which has been scary and odd bcs ive not had any of such significance since i was really little. but im managing it and i know if something happens ill get taken care of. probably. ummm...what else...
ive been drawing? listening to music incessantly? i dont know what ive been doing. i dont do anything. i watched planes, trains, and automobiles the other day and im so so in love with it. i also watched the king of comedy the same night with my friend charlie, and we both really enjoyed it.
oh right on my birthday i got candy, a shirt which i love, two projecting lights, and um. a phonecase that didnt fit my phone. my mom has to return it. LOL. i also got a peace sign necklace which reminds me so much of peter tork :)) one of my favorite people ever if you didnt know. i also got stickers. oh and i had this DELICIOUS MASSIVE cheesecake and it was the most delicious confectionary i had ever tasted...and i made cupcakes, and decorated them. they were very yummy. i also had chinese that night for dinner and it was so delicious, even if the power went out as soon as i started eating -_- completely ruined my mood. i was watching wrath of khan that night with my friends alex, charlie, and earthy.
im looking forward to christmas tomorrow, and hoping for some good stuff that wont rot away in my room like most gifts i tend to get. im still grateful. i love my mom. maybe im just hard to get gifts for... or maybe its because i dont have a life. i plan on watching the grinch while i eat christmas dinner.
oh also i managed to get the floor of my room cleared off, i need to do some more picking up at some point. if this breathing issue persists though idk when that will be. we'll see. today i danced around to monkees songs in my room and tried to fight an asthma attack bcs i weigh dancing over my life. naturally. i keep falling asleep while playing candy crush...
i hope you have a good christmas. hugs and kisses
12/04/23.......................between you and me
i better pray he doesnt look at my site. anyways ive been smitten lately for one of my friends, and as all crushes go its torture...i cant stop thinking about him. im scared to describe his appearance as it will give it away and id literally rather die than have him read this, but his appearance is one of the most wonderful things about him. theres something about guys like him that i cant get enough of. gentle, not even remotely masculine at all. kooky, weird, funny. i cant take it, i just want a boyfriend that IS him or is LIKE him and i hate that i dont have one. i think about it constantly. ESPECIALLY in bed, because it almost feels as though thats when im the loneliest....i have no one to keep me warm or be by my side and all i can think about is a tender, sweet, unbelievably mind numbingly beautiful wonderful man to be there with me. thinking about his touch, the way he breathes, the way he smells. i hate being touch starved, i hate that im an unlovable weird looking fat freak, and that the mere idea of someone being attracted to me weirds me out because i hate how i look. i cant wrap my mind around someone finding me attractive because if i dont find me attractive how can anyone else...? its inconcievable to me and i always assume they'd be lying. im rambling at this point. i just want him. i want the guy im thinking about right now. i want him everyday. its not fair. cant i just stop feeling this way about him so it doesnt hurt as much when i see him?
12/04/23.......................epic fail
im such a selfish self obsessed idiot im full of envy and jealousy and im so fucking insecure and all i care about is me how people think of me how people will respond to me all i want is attention all i crave is attention all the time and i dont want this to be me i never want this to be me i HATE that this is me. this has been me for as long as i can remember and my social life has been a sisyphean task of getting over this idiotic child like obsession with myself and with people giving me attention. all i want is the center of attention and when ppl are talking in front of me and im not apart of the conversation i just get mad and i shouldnt i dont fucking want to be mad i want to be normal about it. can i stop being mad??? can i stop convincing myself that people hate me and like others more than me?? i just want it to stop i want to be a normal stable person i hate that friendship is an uphill battle for me and constantly has been i just want to be normla i want to be likable i hate it i hate all of it just make it stop UGGHHH FUCK MEEEE I FUCKING HATE IT I HATE IT SO FUCKING MUCHHH MAKE IT STOP JUST MAKE IT STOP
12/04/23.......................plagiarism and me!
hbomberguy made a great 3 and a half hour long video about plagiarism, specifically plagiarism comitted on youtube, but he discusses the general topic as a whole as well. at the end he ties the video together by discussing what he feels inspires the act of plagiarism in so many people, and this resonated with me as someone who was also plagiarized. in one way or another. so i guess this is the moment i tell this story, and what hbomberguy's description represented for me as a whole.
in july of 2021, i was sent a follow request on my private twitter account. when i had went to see who it was, it was gone. i typed in the username i saw in the initial notification and had found that they had blocked my private account, and my main account. they had accidentally sent me a follow request when trying to block me. when i tried to get to the bottom of this, on a separate account, i saw my own artworks on the account they blocked me on- badly, and terribly traced and recolored. many of these tracings of my own art works getting far more engagement than my original uploads of them. it was heart breaking. i had these terrible tremors off and on for the rest of the day, it had bothered me that badly.
if you havent learned by now, im a deeply insecure person. i hate myself. i dont have a lot of confidence in what i do, what i say, how i feel. im possessive of what i like and what i make, and what ive made myself as its all i have. its all people let me have. i think no one likes it so i have to like it for myself. its complicated. im a very complicated person. im both self obsessed and self loathing. so im sure you can imagine how someone with such a broken insecure mind would react to someone doing this, tracing my own works. it was mentally destructive and its still something i experience the effects of to this day. i locked all of my accounts where my art was publically accessible and deleted what i needed to just so i couldnt be seen by them, or any other possible offenders. because even after dealing with that person and doing the ring around with them, i knew they would try to come back and do more.
tracing my art wasnt the only thing they did, though. they didnt just "plagiarize" my art, they "plagiarized" my entire fucking personality. my interests, the music i liked, the fucking carrd i had linked on my profile i used to introduce myself to new followers. they had used one of my own names for themselves, had begun speaking like me. they made spotify playlists that were directly ripped off from exact ones i made. it was horrifying. they were literally trying to be me. so imagine how someone who cant fucking stand being in their own skin would react to a stranger trying to be THEM. not just tracing their art work but literally trying to be THEM.
and this is where what hbomberguy's words come into play. obviously this is going to be half remembered because this is a personal mused blog post and im having violent acid reflux right now, but to boil it down, he says humanity as a whole is constantly finding themselves, and often look to others to complete themselves and to figure out who they really are. and sometimes in this process, will commit acts like the one i just told you about. it made me realize a lot more about the person who did this to me. it made me understand their motives more, understand why'd they do something like this to someone they never spoke to. and in a way i relate, i dont know who i am. and whenever i think i do i hate who i am, if im ever in a split moment of clarity where i briefly realize just who i am...i hate what i see. so i get it. as most of us do, really. none of us know who the hell we are...and some of us might take more extreme irrational measures to "figure" it out. but in the end, when you try to claim someone else's identity as your own to feel complete, you and the person you stole from ultimately just feel a hell of a lot worse than you both did before.
i dont know. i will never forgive that person for what they did to me. it was horrifying. i still hate them for doing it, and i dont care that hate is a strong word. there are still days where i cant see myself, or my art, the same way because of them. but at least now i can say i understand why'd they do such a horrible thing to me.
in july of 2021, i was sent a follow request on my private twitter account. when i had went to see who it was, it was gone. i typed in the username i saw in the initial notification and had found that they had blocked my private account, and my main account. they had accidentally sent me a follow request when trying to block me. when i tried to get to the bottom of this, on a separate account, i saw my own artworks on the account they blocked me on- badly, and terribly traced and recolored. many of these tracings of my own art works getting far more engagement than my original uploads of them. it was heart breaking. i had these terrible tremors off and on for the rest of the day, it had bothered me that badly.
if you havent learned by now, im a deeply insecure person. i hate myself. i dont have a lot of confidence in what i do, what i say, how i feel. im possessive of what i like and what i make, and what ive made myself as its all i have. its all people let me have. i think no one likes it so i have to like it for myself. its complicated. im a very complicated person. im both self obsessed and self loathing. so im sure you can imagine how someone with such a broken insecure mind would react to someone doing this, tracing my own works. it was mentally destructive and its still something i experience the effects of to this day. i locked all of my accounts where my art was publically accessible and deleted what i needed to just so i couldnt be seen by them, or any other possible offenders. because even after dealing with that person and doing the ring around with them, i knew they would try to come back and do more.
tracing my art wasnt the only thing they did, though. they didnt just "plagiarize" my art, they "plagiarized" my entire fucking personality. my interests, the music i liked, the fucking carrd i had linked on my profile i used to introduce myself to new followers. they had used one of my own names for themselves, had begun speaking like me. they made spotify playlists that were directly ripped off from exact ones i made. it was horrifying. they were literally trying to be me. so imagine how someone who cant fucking stand being in their own skin would react to a stranger trying to be THEM. not just tracing their art work but literally trying to be THEM.
and this is where what hbomberguy's words come into play. obviously this is going to be half remembered because this is a personal mused blog post and im having violent acid reflux right now, but to boil it down, he says humanity as a whole is constantly finding themselves, and often look to others to complete themselves and to figure out who they really are. and sometimes in this process, will commit acts like the one i just told you about. it made me realize a lot more about the person who did this to me. it made me understand their motives more, understand why'd they do something like this to someone they never spoke to. and in a way i relate, i dont know who i am. and whenever i think i do i hate who i am, if im ever in a split moment of clarity where i briefly realize just who i am...i hate what i see. so i get it. as most of us do, really. none of us know who the hell we are...and some of us might take more extreme irrational measures to "figure" it out. but in the end, when you try to claim someone else's identity as your own to feel complete, you and the person you stole from ultimately just feel a hell of a lot worse than you both did before.
i dont know. i will never forgive that person for what they did to me. it was horrifying. i still hate them for doing it, and i dont care that hate is a strong word. there are still days where i cant see myself, or my art, the same way because of them. but at least now i can say i understand why'd they do such a horrible thing to me.
12/03/23...........................come on in
listening to: mgb-gt by peter tork
drinking: lipton citrus green tea
it only occurred to me recently that i couldve been writing blog entries this whole time, and just waited until my blog was recoded to upload them. im very stupid. i was a ghostbuster on halloween and i ate a lot of candy and ate candied meatballs and i watched a garbo horror movie with my parents and then i watched phantom of the paradise and slept. it was a great halloween. thanksgiving was as it usually is, but my dad totally fucked up the cheesy potatoes which is like the entire point of thanksgiving in this house =_= i watched jacobs ladder on thanskgiving, a cerebral psychological horror. i liked it, its really sad. the lead kept reminding me of andy partridge
i surrounded myself with too many monkees fans and it drained me, and i felt myself getting apathetic about them/pessimistic about them. i saw and read way too many things that upset me and i had to distance myself from the fans so i could be normal. i wouldnt have to do this if i wasnt a totally neurotic FREAK. but whatever i guess. i was obsessed with the monkees all throughout october and then through november i was just soooo weird about them but by the end of nov i got better about them again. ive also been watching a lot of movies lately. enjoying my time with them...mostly.
my room is an unmanagable nightmarish horrible disaster that makes me embarrassed and upset just to think about it. my mom has offered to help me out with it (because it is no longer a one man job) but because she has adhd just the same as me she is similarly having a hard time actually coming up here to my room to help like shes been insisting for three days. what a drag. ive listened to a few new albums. new songs. ect. as i tend to! im trying to redevelop an old oc of mine, vesta. not really liking how its coming but ill keep trying.
ive been struggling with insecurity, self hatred, ect. the works. as it alwasy tends to be!!! im so mean to other people because of my own issues, its terrible. i want it to go away. im trying so hard...
i turn 19 on the 14th of this month. im less pessimistic about it than i was about turning 18. i know what to expect now. 2023 genuinely felt like only 6 months, i cant believe its been 12. kisses and hugs
drinking: lipton citrus green tea
it only occurred to me recently that i couldve been writing blog entries this whole time, and just waited until my blog was recoded to upload them. im very stupid. i was a ghostbuster on halloween and i ate a lot of candy and ate candied meatballs and i watched a garbo horror movie with my parents and then i watched phantom of the paradise and slept. it was a great halloween. thanksgiving was as it usually is, but my dad totally fucked up the cheesy potatoes which is like the entire point of thanksgiving in this house =_= i watched jacobs ladder on thanskgiving, a cerebral psychological horror. i liked it, its really sad. the lead kept reminding me of andy partridge
i surrounded myself with too many monkees fans and it drained me, and i felt myself getting apathetic about them/pessimistic about them. i saw and read way too many things that upset me and i had to distance myself from the fans so i could be normal. i wouldnt have to do this if i wasnt a totally neurotic FREAK. but whatever i guess. i was obsessed with the monkees all throughout october and then through november i was just soooo weird about them but by the end of nov i got better about them again. ive also been watching a lot of movies lately. enjoying my time with them...mostly.
my room is an unmanagable nightmarish horrible disaster that makes me embarrassed and upset just to think about it. my mom has offered to help me out with it (because it is no longer a one man job) but because she has adhd just the same as me she is similarly having a hard time actually coming up here to my room to help like shes been insisting for three days. what a drag. ive listened to a few new albums. new songs. ect. as i tend to! im trying to redevelop an old oc of mine, vesta. not really liking how its coming but ill keep trying.
ive been struggling with insecurity, self hatred, ect. the works. as it alwasy tends to be!!! im so mean to other people because of my own issues, its terrible. i want it to go away. im trying so hard...
i turn 19 on the 14th of this month. im less pessimistic about it than i was about turning 18. i know what to expect now. 2023 genuinely felt like only 6 months, i cant believe its been 12. kisses and hugs
11/26/23........................i desire
warning: i talk about sex and romance and my lame relationship with it. dont read if you dont want that
in the modern american society i reside in, its expected and encouraged that you lose your virginity around the age of 18. at least, this is how i see society. if youve read my site already you know ive been isolated since the age of 7. no social life, no real life friends. everyone ive ever known, closely or even briefly romantically, has been across a computer screen. and even during this experience, namely 16-18 (the ideal years to experience something romantic and sexual) i was never even sent one provocative text. no ones ever complimented my body or told me what they'd like to do to me. im sure a lot of people around my age range and older can relate. and truly, most would tell me i have no reason to feel grief because im still so young. but my situation is too specific for all of these. ive been isolated for so long with no light at the end of the tunnel. an endless dark tunnel of loneliness. never being touched, held. carressed, kissed. none of that. i get squeemish when i watch kissing and sex scenes. i close my eyes and curl my toes, and i dont really know from what emotion. maybe its bashfulness, disgust, jealousy...? i know a lot of the time, it is jealousy. i have a huge sexual and romantic crush on the emh from star trek: voyager, and during one of his first kissing scenes i felt such anguish. i HATED that he was kissing someone other than me. but other kissing scenes in other shows or movies, with people im not quite interested in so strongly, i still react strongly like that. in this case i really dont know what it is, especially because i want to be touched so bad. to be kissed so bad. maybe im just embarrassed by the funny faces kissing and sex makes people do. i dont know...i literlaly dont know...its stupid. im a child.
going to the doctors office as ive gotten older has been weird because every time my doctor goes to touch me, i tense up and get scared it will turn me on. i think this is an ocd induced paranoia, or something. but its weird. i hate it. i think its also from touch starvation. the only touch i recieve from anyone in areas like my neck, or my stomach, is from a doctor. thats not meant to imply anything between me and my doctor. i say it to mostly represent just how untouched i feel. unloved i feel. i feel like even if magically i had a social life, no one would ever dream of looking at me and wanting to touch me. to kiss me, to feel me. i bring up the doctor bcs of the emh which i also brought up earlier. idk, i know it seems silly to be so sexually attracted to a bald hologram from a scifi drama from the 90s, but he was literally like...my second sexual awakening. i first saw voyager when i was 18 and i realized the emh was the first anything i felt genuine sexual desire towards. like real sexual desire. my utter desire for him was what sprung me into actually browsing for sex toys, because i thought i couldnt take not being touched anymore. and i hated that the one man i wanted to be touched by literally wasnt even real...let alone not even a corporeal being. imagine im using the sob emoji here. anyways back to the doctor thing. watching through voyager for the first time theres a scene where the emh checks captain janeways lymph nodes, the parts of your sinuses that are below your ears on your upper neck. i believe...maybe theyre not apart of the sinuses, but they swell when youre sick. anyways, a gesture that was obviously intended to be casual and caring i completely interpreted as erotic. after that scene i would think about him touching me there, and all of the other places a doctor would, multiple times a day. id go to bed thinking about it. see the point of me bringing this up is that touch starvation will make you sexualize even the simplest things, like a doctor checking their patient. is this morally incorrect? im not turend on by my real doctor, but i was worried i was bcs of a holographic bald dude from a scifi show. hes not real. but if i was on voyager i would probably make sexual advances towards him. i dont know...it doesnt really matter. maybe janeway would get mad at me (insert another sob emoji) im typing this in such a serious tone but im mostly being funny here.
amongst me browsing for sex toys this year amongst turning 18 i also started actually watching porn. i hate confessing this. i feel weird. watching porn feels weird. it doesnt turn me on the same way my thoughts do. my intimate fantasies with my weird looking unconventional men never truly match up to porn. maybe thats just how it is for everyone...sometimes i just watch porn cause im curious. but when i first started it got to the point where like i got sick of jerking off. it was like i was doing it too much. so i dont do it as much. fully exploring sexuality now is kind of weird...and shameful, and lame. cause i dont even have anybody to do it with. i just have my lame hands and my dumb phone. watching porn and jerking off just makes me even More miserable that im a sexually frustrated buffoon. i mean. its just embarrassing...sometimes i wonder if im hyping it up too much and that if i ever even have sex its gonna be super lame, and ill have spent hours of my late teenage life and early adult life thinking about this thing that isnt even really that good. but when i see beautiful men i just get sick to my stomach. it doesnt even always have to be sex or penetration or whatever. just cuddling and kissing is erotic enough for me. i could get off of that alone. that would be enough for me even. but ill never meet anyone. i feel like i will never meet a guy who will please me sexually. who will want to please me sexually. who will actually get aroused by my body and my existence. and even if magically a man will feel these things towards me, what the hell do i do if i dont feel them towards him? i hate sex. i hate romance. but i also love all of it and i want to experience it but its not fair. they wont fucking let me experience it man
in the modern american society i reside in, its expected and encouraged that you lose your virginity around the age of 18. at least, this is how i see society. if youve read my site already you know ive been isolated since the age of 7. no social life, no real life friends. everyone ive ever known, closely or even briefly romantically, has been across a computer screen. and even during this experience, namely 16-18 (the ideal years to experience something romantic and sexual) i was never even sent one provocative text. no ones ever complimented my body or told me what they'd like to do to me. im sure a lot of people around my age range and older can relate. and truly, most would tell me i have no reason to feel grief because im still so young. but my situation is too specific for all of these. ive been isolated for so long with no light at the end of the tunnel. an endless dark tunnel of loneliness. never being touched, held. carressed, kissed. none of that. i get squeemish when i watch kissing and sex scenes. i close my eyes and curl my toes, and i dont really know from what emotion. maybe its bashfulness, disgust, jealousy...? i know a lot of the time, it is jealousy. i have a huge sexual and romantic crush on the emh from star trek: voyager, and during one of his first kissing scenes i felt such anguish. i HATED that he was kissing someone other than me. but other kissing scenes in other shows or movies, with people im not quite interested in so strongly, i still react strongly like that. in this case i really dont know what it is, especially because i want to be touched so bad. to be kissed so bad. maybe im just embarrassed by the funny faces kissing and sex makes people do. i dont know...i literlaly dont know...its stupid. im a child.
going to the doctors office as ive gotten older has been weird because every time my doctor goes to touch me, i tense up and get scared it will turn me on. i think this is an ocd induced paranoia, or something. but its weird. i hate it. i think its also from touch starvation. the only touch i recieve from anyone in areas like my neck, or my stomach, is from a doctor. thats not meant to imply anything between me and my doctor. i say it to mostly represent just how untouched i feel. unloved i feel. i feel like even if magically i had a social life, no one would ever dream of looking at me and wanting to touch me. to kiss me, to feel me. i bring up the doctor bcs of the emh which i also brought up earlier. idk, i know it seems silly to be so sexually attracted to a bald hologram from a scifi drama from the 90s, but he was literally like...my second sexual awakening. i first saw voyager when i was 18 and i realized the emh was the first anything i felt genuine sexual desire towards. like real sexual desire. my utter desire for him was what sprung me into actually browsing for sex toys, because i thought i couldnt take not being touched anymore. and i hated that the one man i wanted to be touched by literally wasnt even real...let alone not even a corporeal being. imagine im using the sob emoji here. anyways back to the doctor thing. watching through voyager for the first time theres a scene where the emh checks captain janeways lymph nodes, the parts of your sinuses that are below your ears on your upper neck. i believe...maybe theyre not apart of the sinuses, but they swell when youre sick. anyways, a gesture that was obviously intended to be casual and caring i completely interpreted as erotic. after that scene i would think about him touching me there, and all of the other places a doctor would, multiple times a day. id go to bed thinking about it. see the point of me bringing this up is that touch starvation will make you sexualize even the simplest things, like a doctor checking their patient. is this morally incorrect? im not turend on by my real doctor, but i was worried i was bcs of a holographic bald dude from a scifi show. hes not real. but if i was on voyager i would probably make sexual advances towards him. i dont know...it doesnt really matter. maybe janeway would get mad at me (insert another sob emoji) im typing this in such a serious tone but im mostly being funny here.
amongst me browsing for sex toys this year amongst turning 18 i also started actually watching porn. i hate confessing this. i feel weird. watching porn feels weird. it doesnt turn me on the same way my thoughts do. my intimate fantasies with my weird looking unconventional men never truly match up to porn. maybe thats just how it is for everyone...sometimes i just watch porn cause im curious. but when i first started it got to the point where like i got sick of jerking off. it was like i was doing it too much. so i dont do it as much. fully exploring sexuality now is kind of weird...and shameful, and lame. cause i dont even have anybody to do it with. i just have my lame hands and my dumb phone. watching porn and jerking off just makes me even More miserable that im a sexually frustrated buffoon. i mean. its just embarrassing...sometimes i wonder if im hyping it up too much and that if i ever even have sex its gonna be super lame, and ill have spent hours of my late teenage life and early adult life thinking about this thing that isnt even really that good. but when i see beautiful men i just get sick to my stomach. it doesnt even always have to be sex or penetration or whatever. just cuddling and kissing is erotic enough for me. i could get off of that alone. that would be enough for me even. but ill never meet anyone. i feel like i will never meet a guy who will please me sexually. who will want to please me sexually. who will actually get aroused by my body and my existence. and even if magically a man will feel these things towards me, what the hell do i do if i dont feel them towards him? i hate sex. i hate romance. but i also love all of it and i want to experience it but its not fair. they wont fucking let me experience it man
10/08/23........................Zilch.
listening to: headquarters by the monkees
happy october! im hyperfixated on the monkees and they are genuinely all i can think about. ive been listening to their music and watching their show for a week now, and im completely hooked. i like ogling pictures of them on pinterest. by the way, theres a fansite that has a lot of content of theirs meticulously catalogued and photographed. including a massive catalog of every outfit and piece of clothing theyve ever been seen wearing, separated by accessory, top, bottom, ect. the site is here if you'd like to see it, lol.
because of my intense newfound interest in the monkees, i found out a book about their touring career was available at the library just a few blocks away from me. because of this, i was trying to convince my mom to take me. but as i shouldve known better, she kept making up reasons she couldnt. i.e. they'll make me pay for overdue books from when you were a kid, i dont feel good, i wanna do it on a day i have money (which is never), ect ect. and i was also trying to get their debut album on original pressing from discogs, which is really cheap btw. that she also could not get. idk if im spoiled but things just feel impossible. it sucks. see my last entry.
on a lighter note, umm...actually i dont have anything else light to talk about except for my love for the monkees. im looking forward to fattening up on candy this month. also i think im artblocked again. which is annoying, cause i wanna draw monkees stuff!!!! grrr!!!
Never mind the furthmore, the plea is self defense!
happy october! im hyperfixated on the monkees and they are genuinely all i can think about. ive been listening to their music and watching their show for a week now, and im completely hooked. i like ogling pictures of them on pinterest. by the way, theres a fansite that has a lot of content of theirs meticulously catalogued and photographed. including a massive catalog of every outfit and piece of clothing theyve ever been seen wearing, separated by accessory, top, bottom, ect. the site is here if you'd like to see it, lol.
because of my intense newfound interest in the monkees, i found out a book about their touring career was available at the library just a few blocks away from me. because of this, i was trying to convince my mom to take me. but as i shouldve known better, she kept making up reasons she couldnt. i.e. they'll make me pay for overdue books from when you were a kid, i dont feel good, i wanna do it on a day i have money (which is never), ect ect. and i was also trying to get their debut album on original pressing from discogs, which is really cheap btw. that she also could not get. idk if im spoiled but things just feel impossible. it sucks. see my last entry.
on a lighter note, umm...actually i dont have anything else light to talk about except for my love for the monkees. im looking forward to fattening up on candy this month. also i think im artblocked again. which is annoying, cause i wanna draw monkees stuff!!!! grrr!!!
Never mind the furthmore, the plea is self defense!
09/30/23...........all you can do is laugh
i wanna run away with someone i love. in a queer way. im tired of being house bound and unable to live my life. unable to live anything that gives me joy. im tired of being poor and im tired of seeing people experience the things ive been wanting to for years. it feels to me like everyone around me is doing things and being happy and im just rotting away in a house...every week my parents checks are only enough for food and bills...only enough for living. when i get a job will i also be stuck in that endless cycle? the cycle of living to work? working to live? id rather die. id genuinely rather die. i dont know how people do it. i dont know what keeps people going.
i wanted to see stop making sense in theaters with my mom sometime this weekend because it was cheaper than usual and i knew she got paid this weekend so i thought we'd be able to and she said we might but then i heard my dad telling her that all he could cover this week was groceries and that he needed her check for the rest of bills and rent. its depressing. i cant live none of us can live. i cant do anything. every time i ask my mom if its possible we could go out and so much as get a fucking coffee and drive around its always maybe but my check has to go towards rent and gas. gas to work. work to live. money for gas that gets you to work for the money for the gas. its fucking sickening. its a disgusting cycle. watching my loved ones live through it makes me want to fucking cull myself. i dont wanna be in that cycle. i dont want to live a life where i cant be happy. why is everyone happier than me. why are people seeing my favorite bands live why are people dancing alone in theaters to my favorite talking heads songs why are people going out with people they love. when will i get that. im 18 surely i will get it soon right. surely i will be allowed joy one day right. i hate waking up starving with my stomach hurting because theres never anything to eat. i hate having to eat just to get rid of pain. i hate that my parents can barely cover dinner on the weekends when the groceries are gone. i hate that my parents always tell me the price of something and it makes me feel guilty because i feel like i shouldnt even be living because im just mkaing it harder for them. im tired of being poor im tired of poverty im tired of my parents telling me we're not poor even though we are. if all we spend money on is living then we are poor. if there are weeks where the only thing to eat are crackers and granola bars then we are poor. im fucking sick of this
i wanted to see stop making sense in theaters with my mom sometime this weekend because it was cheaper than usual and i knew she got paid this weekend so i thought we'd be able to and she said we might but then i heard my dad telling her that all he could cover this week was groceries and that he needed her check for the rest of bills and rent. its depressing. i cant live none of us can live. i cant do anything. every time i ask my mom if its possible we could go out and so much as get a fucking coffee and drive around its always maybe but my check has to go towards rent and gas. gas to work. work to live. money for gas that gets you to work for the money for the gas. its fucking sickening. its a disgusting cycle. watching my loved ones live through it makes me want to fucking cull myself. i dont wanna be in that cycle. i dont want to live a life where i cant be happy. why is everyone happier than me. why are people seeing my favorite bands live why are people dancing alone in theaters to my favorite talking heads songs why are people going out with people they love. when will i get that. im 18 surely i will get it soon right. surely i will be allowed joy one day right. i hate waking up starving with my stomach hurting because theres never anything to eat. i hate having to eat just to get rid of pain. i hate that my parents can barely cover dinner on the weekends when the groceries are gone. i hate that my parents always tell me the price of something and it makes me feel guilty because i feel like i shouldnt even be living because im just mkaing it harder for them. im tired of being poor im tired of poverty im tired of my parents telling me we're not poor even though we are. if all we spend money on is living then we are poor. if there are weeks where the only thing to eat are crackers and granola bars then we are poor. im fucking sick of this
09/20/23........................Crowded Room
watching: seinfeld
eating: papa johns
drinking: brisk lemon tea
listening to: xtc
for the past 18 hours my own mind has been torturing me. most days i can keep my ocd under control at least in the realm of intrusive thoughts, but sometimes i have days of weakness that render me horrified, paranoid, depressed. its hard. even if im on medication i guess theres still bound to be some bad days. im trying my hardest to cope with it, and its a lot less bad than it has been prior. i just hope it doesnt last too long.
i recently reached level 1000 on candy crush, which makes me feel a bit satisfied. unfortunately my phones been getting worse and worse, i can barely use it anymore >_> its so slow and freezes all the time. my mom told me i shouldve gotten a new one the last time they offered a free upgrade, but, >:T i didnt want a new one!!!! but i guess its time to finally get a new one...i just hope its soon rather than later.
ive also been rewatching one piece, my favorite anime of all time. ive been watching it with my best friend in the entire world, its mews first time! and i think its really enjoying it. i know i am!!!!! i first watched one piece when i was 11 in 2016 and its meant the world to me and made a lasting impact on me and my creative ventures ever since... it has its flaws, for sure, but i still find a lot of good in it. usopp is my favorite fictional character literally of all time... ive also been thinking of writing an essay or article about him and putting it on the site. we'll see!
ive also had a new index coded up for like, weeks, a month and a half at least. ive just had no motivation or willingness to finish it... but soon...hopefully soon!!!
im also really looking forward to halloween, cause who isnt? im hoping my halloween is spent eating candy at my computer desk in my halloween costume while watching a vargskelethor stream. i think im going to be a ghostbuster! specifically my favorite, egon:) but we'll see... last year i was my oc, epsilon.
ive also been playing a crapton of everskies. its a dress up game similar to stardoll or gaia, but i think its a lot better than most others similar to it...its completely community made and the economy isnt psychological torture. i really recommend it if you like dress up games, for sure.
i think thats about it from me this time...see ya soon. wish me good tidings!
eating: papa johns
drinking: brisk lemon tea
listening to: xtc
for the past 18 hours my own mind has been torturing me. most days i can keep my ocd under control at least in the realm of intrusive thoughts, but sometimes i have days of weakness that render me horrified, paranoid, depressed. its hard. even if im on medication i guess theres still bound to be some bad days. im trying my hardest to cope with it, and its a lot less bad than it has been prior. i just hope it doesnt last too long.
i recently reached level 1000 on candy crush, which makes me feel a bit satisfied. unfortunately my phones been getting worse and worse, i can barely use it anymore >_> its so slow and freezes all the time. my mom told me i shouldve gotten a new one the last time they offered a free upgrade, but, >:T i didnt want a new one!!!! but i guess its time to finally get a new one...i just hope its soon rather than later.
ive also been rewatching one piece, my favorite anime of all time. ive been watching it with my best friend in the entire world, its mews first time! and i think its really enjoying it. i know i am!!!!! i first watched one piece when i was 11 in 2016 and its meant the world to me and made a lasting impact on me and my creative ventures ever since... it has its flaws, for sure, but i still find a lot of good in it. usopp is my favorite fictional character literally of all time... ive also been thinking of writing an essay or article about him and putting it on the site. we'll see!
ive also had a new index coded up for like, weeks, a month and a half at least. ive just had no motivation or willingness to finish it... but soon...hopefully soon!!!
im also really looking forward to halloween, cause who isnt? im hoping my halloween is spent eating candy at my computer desk in my halloween costume while watching a vargskelethor stream. i think im going to be a ghostbuster! specifically my favorite, egon:) but we'll see... last year i was my oc, epsilon.
ive also been playing a crapton of everskies. its a dress up game similar to stardoll or gaia, but i think its a lot better than most others similar to it...its completely community made and the economy isnt psychological torture. i really recommend it if you like dress up games, for sure.
i think thats about it from me this time...see ya soon. wish me good tidings!
08/22/23.......................Leave it!
listening to: cold island from my singing monsters
its another blog post from me, jackie....august has been quite the month so far. well not particularly but i spoke to some friends i cut off a few years ago and was able to clear the air, which helped a lot i think... other than that ive spent the month rewatching sherlock bbc and playing everskies. and drawing but i always do that. ive also been listening to a lot of music from my childhood which has made me feel really good...understand a lot of things about myself and come to appreciate who i am more, i guess.
in general i actually do think ive come to feel self love more often these past few weeks. i attribute a lot of that to my best friend, or, significant, thing, person, (we're not sure what we are we just love eachother a lot), charlie. it means so much to me and has helped me realize a lot about myself and appreciate it. mew has shown me love beyond any ive experienced before. i feel very fortunate to know someone like it. being its friend has been the best thing i couldve asked for.
i still struggle with self loathing, its a kind of thing that seems to come and go for me. id say the status of my mental health is generally normal for now. well as normal as i can be.
im honestly not sure what else to add...other than that my period has been really weird and i think it is probably the fault of prozac. its kind of making me nervous though and i hope its nothing to worry about 0_0 also i had a REALLY REALLY good taco bell burrito on saturday that changed my whole fucking life. heres the specs if you wanna try it yourself:
beefy crunch burrito
NO rice
grilled
creamy jalapeno sauce
try it... tell em jackie sent ya... (dont do that that would be weird)
its another blog post from me, jackie....august has been quite the month so far. well not particularly but i spoke to some friends i cut off a few years ago and was able to clear the air, which helped a lot i think... other than that ive spent the month rewatching sherlock bbc and playing everskies. and drawing but i always do that. ive also been listening to a lot of music from my childhood which has made me feel really good...understand a lot of things about myself and come to appreciate who i am more, i guess.
in general i actually do think ive come to feel self love more often these past few weeks. i attribute a lot of that to my best friend, or, significant, thing, person, (we're not sure what we are we just love eachother a lot), charlie. it means so much to me and has helped me realize a lot about myself and appreciate it. mew has shown me love beyond any ive experienced before. i feel very fortunate to know someone like it. being its friend has been the best thing i couldve asked for.
i still struggle with self loathing, its a kind of thing that seems to come and go for me. id say the status of my mental health is generally normal for now. well as normal as i can be.
im honestly not sure what else to add...other than that my period has been really weird and i think it is probably the fault of prozac. its kind of making me nervous though and i hope its nothing to worry about 0_0 also i had a REALLY REALLY good taco bell burrito on saturday that changed my whole fucking life. heres the specs if you wanna try it yourself:
beefy crunch burrito
NO rice
grilled
creamy jalapeno sauce
try it... tell em jackie sent ya... (dont do that that would be weird)
06/29/23....Fixing a Hole (Where the rain gets in)
listening to: sgt pepper's lonely hearts club band - the beatles
hows it going? this past month has been pretty tolerable, pretty eventful, overall fun. got into a new artists, watched some stuff. drew a lot of stuff. i mean, thats how it always goes with me but the more things i experience the more "productive" it was. i may be rotting away in a house but i better entertain myself with it or im wasting precious time...
i think the most eventful things to comment on for this month is that i listened to my first beatles album ever (said by no one in the world until this moment), started watching seinfeld, and been really addicted to...candy crush. im turning into my fucking dad! what am i 45? jesus... ive been having a fun time with it all though. the beatles album i listened to was sgt pepper's, and god, i LOVE it! a lot more than i anticipated! last month i listened to another very iconic 60s album, pet sounds. i hated the damn thing. so much. so it made me think i wouldnt really like sgt pepper's either, but boy was i mistaken! shouldve never compared the two. sgt pepper's is the most popular album ever made for a reason. im really really obsessed with it. my favorite track is fixing a hole, god i LOVE it! i have like 50 scrobbles of the damn thing. im so so obsessed with that song, it speaks to me sincerely. it sounds like something andy partridge wouldve written, too, which makes it even more appealing to me as im one of andy's biggest fans. i also really like getting better, the title track and reprise, and little help from my friends. boy, ill tell ya, i LOVE ringos voice! its like a comfy warm blanket, his voice emulates how it feels to fall asleep after a long, exhausting day, on your cold sheets with your warm blanket. wish the guy got more songs, geez... honestly, for awhile i got really scared to attempt even sitting and listening to the beatles because it felt like it was cringy. over the past decade the beatles have been made into this "well actually they were bad and liking them is dumb and cringe" thing. and i kind of get it because like yeah they are literally the biggest fucking band in the entire world, and they all were weirdos at some point, especially john lennon. but the music is good. ive always enjoyed beatles tunes since i was a kid. and not just the music, im really intrigued by the phenomenon of their existence as a whole. the stories associated with this band are fascinating. even the gross and weird ones. like these guys werent just human, they were fucking crazy. and the mere insanity surrounding their fame, like how do you even reach something like that? its just so amazing to me.
but im not gonna keep going on about the beables. like i said, i also started watching seinfeld. id been meaning to do it for a year or so now, and an acquaintance of me really wanted me to. i finally did! i dont regret it. its funny as hell. it has some questionable 90s moments, which is a little disappointing. but it has a lot of really great moments nonetheless. i love george A LOT. hes really cute and i relate with him so so much. im like george costanza if he was a queer 18 year old with hair. i dont care how cringe this is, im going full into this. he just like me fr. im probably gonna put him on my kinlist at some point!
and then theres the candy crush....its like a disease. it gets really really hard at times but honestly i think its really user friendly. ads are rare and when they happen are completely optional. and you dont have to pay to win. its pretty addicting. i dig it! its a fun way to pass the time or tire my brain out before bed. ive fallen asleep playing candy crush so many times since i started playing it, lol. really i am turning into a fucking 45 year old. i turn 18 and suddenly i act like i got a wife and kids. another game ive been playing is goatlings, again. i first got into goatlings last march in 2022, and i took a long break cause the economy was pissing me the HELL OFF!!! it still is. but i went back cuz i missed it and my best friend in the entire world plays it quite often so i wanna get in on that with it, bcs i love mew more than life itself. its been pretty fun, ive been drawing stuff for people in exchange for the games virtual currency. im not a gamer, clearly.
i also got into this insanely obscure and niche artist Wazmo Nariz. a new wave zolo artist from chicago who was only active from '79 to '81. theres only two recordings of him live, and only one music video. you cant even find lyrics to the damn songs! (which is hell considering he sings like someones strangling him). funnily enough i was actually able to get into contact with one of the members via an old facebook page they made for the band, asking him for lyrics. and what do you know, the lyrics are in another goddamn state. just my luck. and he hasnt gotten back to me since. but i hope one day ill get those bizarro lyrics and ill finally know the secrets to wazmo... i loved his debut album on first listen so much that i literally bought it second hand off discogs the NEXT DAY. for 10 bucks! its on my shelf RIGHT now. one day i hope i can get things arent right, his last album, as well. but money is hard to come by for me and i got real lucky that i could make up that 10 bucks.
okay thats it im done here. my fuckin arm hurts
hows it going? this past month has been pretty tolerable, pretty eventful, overall fun. got into a new artists, watched some stuff. drew a lot of stuff. i mean, thats how it always goes with me but the more things i experience the more "productive" it was. i may be rotting away in a house but i better entertain myself with it or im wasting precious time...
i think the most eventful things to comment on for this month is that i listened to my first beatles album ever (said by no one in the world until this moment), started watching seinfeld, and been really addicted to...candy crush. im turning into my fucking dad! what am i 45? jesus... ive been having a fun time with it all though. the beatles album i listened to was sgt pepper's, and god, i LOVE it! a lot more than i anticipated! last month i listened to another very iconic 60s album, pet sounds. i hated the damn thing. so much. so it made me think i wouldnt really like sgt pepper's either, but boy was i mistaken! shouldve never compared the two. sgt pepper's is the most popular album ever made for a reason. im really really obsessed with it. my favorite track is fixing a hole, god i LOVE it! i have like 50 scrobbles of the damn thing. im so so obsessed with that song, it speaks to me sincerely. it sounds like something andy partridge wouldve written, too, which makes it even more appealing to me as im one of andy's biggest fans. i also really like getting better, the title track and reprise, and little help from my friends. boy, ill tell ya, i LOVE ringos voice! its like a comfy warm blanket, his voice emulates how it feels to fall asleep after a long, exhausting day, on your cold sheets with your warm blanket. wish the guy got more songs, geez... honestly, for awhile i got really scared to attempt even sitting and listening to the beatles because it felt like it was cringy. over the past decade the beatles have been made into this "well actually they were bad and liking them is dumb and cringe" thing. and i kind of get it because like yeah they are literally the biggest fucking band in the entire world, and they all were weirdos at some point, especially john lennon. but the music is good. ive always enjoyed beatles tunes since i was a kid. and not just the music, im really intrigued by the phenomenon of their existence as a whole. the stories associated with this band are fascinating. even the gross and weird ones. like these guys werent just human, they were fucking crazy. and the mere insanity surrounding their fame, like how do you even reach something like that? its just so amazing to me.
but im not gonna keep going on about the beables. like i said, i also started watching seinfeld. id been meaning to do it for a year or so now, and an acquaintance of me really wanted me to. i finally did! i dont regret it. its funny as hell. it has some questionable 90s moments, which is a little disappointing. but it has a lot of really great moments nonetheless. i love george A LOT. hes really cute and i relate with him so so much. im like george costanza if he was a queer 18 year old with hair. i dont care how cringe this is, im going full into this. he just like me fr. im probably gonna put him on my kinlist at some point!
and then theres the candy crush....its like a disease. it gets really really hard at times but honestly i think its really user friendly. ads are rare and when they happen are completely optional. and you dont have to pay to win. its pretty addicting. i dig it! its a fun way to pass the time or tire my brain out before bed. ive fallen asleep playing candy crush so many times since i started playing it, lol. really i am turning into a fucking 45 year old. i turn 18 and suddenly i act like i got a wife and kids. another game ive been playing is goatlings, again. i first got into goatlings last march in 2022, and i took a long break cause the economy was pissing me the HELL OFF!!! it still is. but i went back cuz i missed it and my best friend in the entire world plays it quite often so i wanna get in on that with it, bcs i love mew more than life itself. its been pretty fun, ive been drawing stuff for people in exchange for the games virtual currency. im not a gamer, clearly.
i also got into this insanely obscure and niche artist Wazmo Nariz. a new wave zolo artist from chicago who was only active from '79 to '81. theres only two recordings of him live, and only one music video. you cant even find lyrics to the damn songs! (which is hell considering he sings like someones strangling him). funnily enough i was actually able to get into contact with one of the members via an old facebook page they made for the band, asking him for lyrics. and what do you know, the lyrics are in another goddamn state. just my luck. and he hasnt gotten back to me since. but i hope one day ill get those bizarro lyrics and ill finally know the secrets to wazmo... i loved his debut album on first listen so much that i literally bought it second hand off discogs the NEXT DAY. for 10 bucks! its on my shelf RIGHT now. one day i hope i can get things arent right, his last album, as well. but money is hard to come by for me and i got real lucky that i could make up that 10 bucks.
okay thats it im done here. my fuckin arm hurts
06/18/23...................Fancy Pants Manifesto
listening to: hip to the javabean - lemon demon
my brain is constantly conspiring against me. a lot of people can relate with that, and its a very vague statement so it can cover a lot of situations. for me, i dont know what the hells wrong with me. i do so many weird things. weird negative things. i think so many weird negative things. i assume a lot of its ocd especially bcs my mom has ocd and shes like yeah you have ocd. but its like, some of this stuff, including the main thing im here to talk about, i dont think is ocd.
basically, i have this annoying and irritating problem where i get competitive, pedantic, jealous, insecure, and defensive, when other people like what i like. specifically big interests, like things i like MOST. both strangers and friends will irritate me if they like what i like. but this is such a specific feeling. its only people who are in my age range who i think are "like me" or "similar" to me. or sometimes, if i already view you as above me i wont really be as bothered or care. (because in my mind you're already the biggest fan of that thing and i cant just replace you.)
this is something i like to call "real fan syndrome" where i convince myself im the better and best fan of everything i like and when people do things that make me insecure of that title i get horribly upset and have the urge to defend my title. i dont actually take it out on people, not really anymore. i think i mightve done it a lot more when i was younger without realizing what was happening. but even if i dont actually do it, i still get irrationally upset. and i obviously dont fucking want to be upset over something so trivial and so stupid that literally cannot be helped or fixed. its literally all in my head. ive had some very nice friends of mine compensate, saying they'll post about the things i like less or tag things for me. im very fortunate that theres people in my life who are considerate of my childish and absurd feelings and ideas about myself.
this problem gets especially debilitating when things i like and consider "my things" get big. ESPECIALLY especially when i got into them before they got big or recognizable at all. (literally, i first heard lemon demon before everyone Now did. im serious. i heard spirit phone a few months after release.) dont even fucking get me started on my insanity towards tally hall, which is an entire journal entry in of itself. (in my head, im still the number one tally hall fan and i know better than everyone about it. yes even you. someone please help me)
thankfully im not as weird about things that were always popular, like fucking star trek xd this weird brain thing at least is able to differ from things that have like billions of fans. but if anything is even slightly obscure or niche and it suddenly gets big ill flip out. if youre reading this thinking "oh no, i like something this person likes, did they get mad at me by reading my site/talking to me?" i probably did! to tell you the complete truth, i probably did! no its not your fault. obviously not...theres something gravely wrong with me. i would never take it out on you and im sorry if i hurt you, the reader, in the past because of my weirdo behaviors.
anyways i just want it to go away. i dont know how long ive been dealing with this. i wanna say it started in 2019, but it couldve been 2018 too (the year my best friend saw they might be giants twice, and i didnt get to at all. it scarred me. genuinely.) i dont know. this would all be a hell of a lot easier if i had a goddamn therapist. but you know...im not allowed earthly conveniences.
my brain is constantly conspiring against me. a lot of people can relate with that, and its a very vague statement so it can cover a lot of situations. for me, i dont know what the hells wrong with me. i do so many weird things. weird negative things. i think so many weird negative things. i assume a lot of its ocd especially bcs my mom has ocd and shes like yeah you have ocd. but its like, some of this stuff, including the main thing im here to talk about, i dont think is ocd.
basically, i have this annoying and irritating problem where i get competitive, pedantic, jealous, insecure, and defensive, when other people like what i like. specifically big interests, like things i like MOST. both strangers and friends will irritate me if they like what i like. but this is such a specific feeling. its only people who are in my age range who i think are "like me" or "similar" to me. or sometimes, if i already view you as above me i wont really be as bothered or care. (because in my mind you're already the biggest fan of that thing and i cant just replace you.)
this is something i like to call "real fan syndrome" where i convince myself im the better and best fan of everything i like and when people do things that make me insecure of that title i get horribly upset and have the urge to defend my title. i dont actually take it out on people, not really anymore. i think i mightve done it a lot more when i was younger without realizing what was happening. but even if i dont actually do it, i still get irrationally upset. and i obviously dont fucking want to be upset over something so trivial and so stupid that literally cannot be helped or fixed. its literally all in my head. ive had some very nice friends of mine compensate, saying they'll post about the things i like less or tag things for me. im very fortunate that theres people in my life who are considerate of my childish and absurd feelings and ideas about myself.
this problem gets especially debilitating when things i like and consider "my things" get big. ESPECIALLY especially when i got into them before they got big or recognizable at all. (literally, i first heard lemon demon before everyone Now did. im serious. i heard spirit phone a few months after release.) dont even fucking get me started on my insanity towards tally hall, which is an entire journal entry in of itself. (in my head, im still the number one tally hall fan and i know better than everyone about it. yes even you. someone please help me)
thankfully im not as weird about things that were always popular, like fucking star trek xd this weird brain thing at least is able to differ from things that have like billions of fans. but if anything is even slightly obscure or niche and it suddenly gets big ill flip out. if youre reading this thinking "oh no, i like something this person likes, did they get mad at me by reading my site/talking to me?" i probably did! to tell you the complete truth, i probably did! no its not your fault. obviously not...theres something gravely wrong with me. i would never take it out on you and im sorry if i hurt you, the reader, in the past because of my weirdo behaviors.
anyways i just want it to go away. i dont know how long ive been dealing with this. i wanna say it started in 2019, but it couldve been 2018 too (the year my best friend saw they might be giants twice, and i didnt get to at all. it scarred me. genuinely.) i dont know. this would all be a hell of a lot easier if i had a goddamn therapist. but you know...im not allowed earthly conveniences.
06/01/23.................Bleeds For You and Me
listening to: xtc
its pride month! i thought id come on here and write some sort of prideful plea. about me and my degrees of lgbtq ness and my relationship with not being cishet! so much fun! isnt that exciting!
my earliest examples of being lgbtq goes as far back as like, 9 years old. there were girls i met online back when i still thought i was a girl that i had crushes on. but i didnt really care about sexuality nor did i think about it, i didnt take love or dating in general seriously because i was...9....so i kind of shrugged it off. by the time i was 10-11, i considered myself straight. but at some point, id say late october 2016 early 2017, i identified as....a guy. but i didnt call this trans. i knew who trans people were! but i didnt call myself trans, i was just a guy. i didnt really think much about it, looking back on it i think thats because i was too scared to realize why i was doing that. (i had been doing it because a guy i met online traumatized me so much to the point where i was disgusted by femininity. thats why.) another guy, who i had known since i was 9, became my closest friend in about early 2017. i was so utterly in love with him that i stopped being a guy (not trans, apparently) because i wanted him to love me. (he was straight) we never got together like i wanted to, we shouldnt have anyways i was far too young. but for awhile, i stopped the "im a guy" thing. it only lasted for a few months. i spent the rest of 2017, and the majority of 2018 as a girl. telling everyone i was a straight girl who loved men, and i was pretty comfortable with it. i had no problem with being cishet.
until, one fateful day in late 2018, i had taken a selfie. and i looked at it and the first thing i thought was, "i look like a boy here." and "i wonder if other people could look at this and think, thats a boy." and i realized i liked that hypothetical. a great deal! the idea of someone seeing me as a boy, mistaking me for one. it filled me with a rush of euphoria, excitement. at this time, my best friend in the whole world was identifying as a trans man at the time (theyre now agender, hi alex!) so i guess i was pretty lucky, i immediately sought his advice. alex helped me realize this was probably what i wanted. i had learned much more about trans people since i was 11, i was 13 now and only a few months from 14 and i was ready to actually face this. my new identity. i came out as trans, first declaring myself as kennedy, or, ken. this was a shorthand of my deadname. i later ditched it in mid 2019 for jimmy, which i still go by today alongside other names!
for awhile, it was simple. i was jimmy, i was a he. i was gay, i loved boys. it was pretty cool for awhile. and then, in early 2021, everything started to shift. for the first time in 2 years, i was beginning to feel different about sexuality and gender. it was weird, and almost scary. i had developed a crush on a girl i had met, joann, and after pining for her i asked her out. she was my first girlfriend. im still friends with her today! i was completely in love with joann, but inevitably we broke up due to me not being fit for relationships in general. but xe helped me realize something that i thought wouldve never came true, i was bisexual. throughout this time in my life, i had been having dreams about women. thinking about women. it was bizarre as i had never thought about women like this before. i became bisexual, i guess...honestly, im still not sure about it. but ive learned so much more about bisexual identity and the experience of it since then, and i feel decently comfortable with the label.
around the same time i met joann, i realized i was most likely nonbinary. this was a lot less nerve wracking because i had a feeling it would inevitably encroach upon me. for awhile i avoided it mostly because i hated they/them pronouns for me, i never liked how they felt for me. and i knew people would try to use them for me if i had came out as nonbinary. but i finally bit the bullet, i realized i still liked she/her pronouns after all this time and used them along he/him shortly after i came out as nonbinary. in early 2021, suddenly i wasnt just a gay guy anymore. i was something far more complicated to me. but it felt good, being so complicated. before i was just simple, so straight to the point. i hadnt realized how unhappy i was with that until i came out as nonbinary. now i have a delightfully and comfortably complex relationship with gender, and with sexuality. and im happy as hell about it. im whatever the hell i want to be, whatever i need to be, and its nobody elses business. im a dude with tits. im a lady with facial hair. im a really sexy guy with a fat ass for some reason and it fucking rules.
somewhere in early 2021 i first heard the song "have you seen jackie?" by the dukes of stratosphear, the alias and side project of my favorite band of all time, xtc. heres an excerpt of the lyrics to "have you seen jackie?"
Hey, leave Jackie alone
Hey, his mind is all blown
Hey, she's not on the phone at all these days
Leave Jackie alone
Jackie couldn't decide if he was a girl
Or if she was a boy
Have you seen Jackie?
it was when i heard this song, written so eloquently by andy partridge, that i realized who i was. this song captured exactly how i had felt about my gender this whole time. this was when i became jackie. its why im jackie now. im jackie. this song is who i am, inside and out! im trying not to cry over how happy this song makes me, even now. when i hear it come on shuffle, i smile. when i hear it come on in the shower, or in the car, i smile. its me, im jackie. i could write an entire thing solely on my intimate relationship with this song. it means so much to me, its who i am.
being lgbt has been one of the best things to have happened to me, the thing about me that i was the happiest to do. to fundamentally change. it was the first time i really felt sure about something i wanted to do for myself. when i came out to my mom in early 2019, i bawled my eyes out to her. i was so scared. but i knew that this was going to be who i was forever, and my mom had to know and accept it or i would be lost. she accepted me, and so did the rest of my family. none of them really care, but im still very grateful i didnt get kicked out.
with the current climate of the us right now, and the current consensus on lgbt identities, its really scary to be lgbt right now. to be trans. i got my hair cut recently, and im scared to go out in public with boobs and short hair. thats how bad it is. but im so proud of who i am, so happy with who i am, so euphoric at who ive become. i cant stop. i cant let go. i love being queer. i love being bisexual. i love being nonbinary. i love being who i am. no one will take that from me. not ever.
its pride month! i thought id come on here and write some sort of prideful plea. about me and my degrees of lgbtq ness and my relationship with not being cishet! so much fun! isnt that exciting!
my earliest examples of being lgbtq goes as far back as like, 9 years old. there were girls i met online back when i still thought i was a girl that i had crushes on. but i didnt really care about sexuality nor did i think about it, i didnt take love or dating in general seriously because i was...9....so i kind of shrugged it off. by the time i was 10-11, i considered myself straight. but at some point, id say late october 2016 early 2017, i identified as....a guy. but i didnt call this trans. i knew who trans people were! but i didnt call myself trans, i was just a guy. i didnt really think much about it, looking back on it i think thats because i was too scared to realize why i was doing that. (i had been doing it because a guy i met online traumatized me so much to the point where i was disgusted by femininity. thats why.) another guy, who i had known since i was 9, became my closest friend in about early 2017. i was so utterly in love with him that i stopped being a guy (not trans, apparently) because i wanted him to love me. (he was straight) we never got together like i wanted to, we shouldnt have anyways i was far too young. but for awhile, i stopped the "im a guy" thing. it only lasted for a few months. i spent the rest of 2017, and the majority of 2018 as a girl. telling everyone i was a straight girl who loved men, and i was pretty comfortable with it. i had no problem with being cishet.
until, one fateful day in late 2018, i had taken a selfie. and i looked at it and the first thing i thought was, "i look like a boy here." and "i wonder if other people could look at this and think, thats a boy." and i realized i liked that hypothetical. a great deal! the idea of someone seeing me as a boy, mistaking me for one. it filled me with a rush of euphoria, excitement. at this time, my best friend in the whole world was identifying as a trans man at the time (theyre now agender, hi alex!) so i guess i was pretty lucky, i immediately sought his advice. alex helped me realize this was probably what i wanted. i had learned much more about trans people since i was 11, i was 13 now and only a few months from 14 and i was ready to actually face this. my new identity. i came out as trans, first declaring myself as kennedy, or, ken. this was a shorthand of my deadname. i later ditched it in mid 2019 for jimmy, which i still go by today alongside other names!
for awhile, it was simple. i was jimmy, i was a he. i was gay, i loved boys. it was pretty cool for awhile. and then, in early 2021, everything started to shift. for the first time in 2 years, i was beginning to feel different about sexuality and gender. it was weird, and almost scary. i had developed a crush on a girl i had met, joann, and after pining for her i asked her out. she was my first girlfriend. im still friends with her today! i was completely in love with joann, but inevitably we broke up due to me not being fit for relationships in general. but xe helped me realize something that i thought wouldve never came true, i was bisexual. throughout this time in my life, i had been having dreams about women. thinking about women. it was bizarre as i had never thought about women like this before. i became bisexual, i guess...honestly, im still not sure about it. but ive learned so much more about bisexual identity and the experience of it since then, and i feel decently comfortable with the label.
around the same time i met joann, i realized i was most likely nonbinary. this was a lot less nerve wracking because i had a feeling it would inevitably encroach upon me. for awhile i avoided it mostly because i hated they/them pronouns for me, i never liked how they felt for me. and i knew people would try to use them for me if i had came out as nonbinary. but i finally bit the bullet, i realized i still liked she/her pronouns after all this time and used them along he/him shortly after i came out as nonbinary. in early 2021, suddenly i wasnt just a gay guy anymore. i was something far more complicated to me. but it felt good, being so complicated. before i was just simple, so straight to the point. i hadnt realized how unhappy i was with that until i came out as nonbinary. now i have a delightfully and comfortably complex relationship with gender, and with sexuality. and im happy as hell about it. im whatever the hell i want to be, whatever i need to be, and its nobody elses business. im a dude with tits. im a lady with facial hair. im a really sexy guy with a fat ass for some reason and it fucking rules.
somewhere in early 2021 i first heard the song "have you seen jackie?" by the dukes of stratosphear, the alias and side project of my favorite band of all time, xtc. heres an excerpt of the lyrics to "have you seen jackie?"
Hey, leave Jackie alone
Hey, his mind is all blown
Hey, she's not on the phone at all these days
Leave Jackie alone
Jackie couldn't decide if he was a girl
Or if she was a boy
Have you seen Jackie?
it was when i heard this song, written so eloquently by andy partridge, that i realized who i was. this song captured exactly how i had felt about my gender this whole time. this was when i became jackie. its why im jackie now. im jackie. this song is who i am, inside and out! im trying not to cry over how happy this song makes me, even now. when i hear it come on shuffle, i smile. when i hear it come on in the shower, or in the car, i smile. its me, im jackie. i could write an entire thing solely on my intimate relationship with this song. it means so much to me, its who i am.
being lgbt has been one of the best things to have happened to me, the thing about me that i was the happiest to do. to fundamentally change. it was the first time i really felt sure about something i wanted to do for myself. when i came out to my mom in early 2019, i bawled my eyes out to her. i was so scared. but i knew that this was going to be who i was forever, and my mom had to know and accept it or i would be lost. she accepted me, and so did the rest of my family. none of them really care, but im still very grateful i didnt get kicked out.
with the current climate of the us right now, and the current consensus on lgbt identities, its really scary to be lgbt right now. to be trans. i got my hair cut recently, and im scared to go out in public with boobs and short hair. thats how bad it is. but im so proud of who i am, so happy with who i am, so euphoric at who ive become. i cant stop. i cant let go. i love being queer. i love being bisexual. i love being nonbinary. i love being who i am. no one will take that from me. not ever.
05/23/23...................Shoehorn with Teeth
drinking: coffee
a new blog post. from me! im going to be complaining and im gonna be #controversial (not about anything bad. im a chill person. actually im gonna be complaining BECAUSE im such a chill person) anyways. i dont give a shit about ppl who use neocities as a carrd! i literally dont care. i dont know why some people take such great offense to it! big deal! theres not explicit rules entailing what you have to use neocities for, are there? maybe i missed something. anyways, you gotta understand not everyone is in the interest of keeping an active fully fledged website. hell, i love this hobby but i only pick it back up every now and then when i feel like it! my site is still in its extreme infancy! if someone just wants to use neocities to introduce themselves in a cool fashion with cool looking designs so be it. i mean yeah, if theyre outright stealing their page content from artists or hot linking or something, that can be troublesome. but the inherent action of using neocities to introduce yourself on other platforms is not evil or annoying to me like i dont. care. there are so many things people seem to care just Too much about in general. and it kind of ....i dont know its not like it bothers me i just wish people would chill out sometimes. ask themselves how much they truly care about this and if theyre just being angry for the sake of being angry. i had several carrds before i made my neocities. i loved making my carrd! its a fun activity, its a lot easier than coding and a lot more accessible to those who dont want to learn it. and thats another thing, people who treat knowing html+css like some sort of cool kids club upset me!!! like damn man not everyone has the willingness or the patience to learn that shit! a lot of my friends have gone on record to say they want a site but no matter how many times they try to learn html+css they just cant. hell i barely know the half about it, i just know basic enough stuff to make cool colorful boxes. basically bottom line is if someone is doing something completely innocent and not harmful why do you care...i guess you can be annoyed yeah but dont be so venomous about it geezz!!! and also dont make fun of others for not knowing a skill you know. thats mean! i suck shit balls at math, if someone made fun of me bcs they know math and i dont, i would try to kill them or something. okay, love you hugs and kisses bye.
a new blog post. from me! im going to be complaining and im gonna be #controversial (not about anything bad. im a chill person. actually im gonna be complaining BECAUSE im such a chill person) anyways. i dont give a shit about ppl who use neocities as a carrd! i literally dont care. i dont know why some people take such great offense to it! big deal! theres not explicit rules entailing what you have to use neocities for, are there? maybe i missed something. anyways, you gotta understand not everyone is in the interest of keeping an active fully fledged website. hell, i love this hobby but i only pick it back up every now and then when i feel like it! my site is still in its extreme infancy! if someone just wants to use neocities to introduce themselves in a cool fashion with cool looking designs so be it. i mean yeah, if theyre outright stealing their page content from artists or hot linking or something, that can be troublesome. but the inherent action of using neocities to introduce yourself on other platforms is not evil or annoying to me like i dont. care. there are so many things people seem to care just Too much about in general. and it kind of ....i dont know its not like it bothers me i just wish people would chill out sometimes. ask themselves how much they truly care about this and if theyre just being angry for the sake of being angry. i had several carrds before i made my neocities. i loved making my carrd! its a fun activity, its a lot easier than coding and a lot more accessible to those who dont want to learn it. and thats another thing, people who treat knowing html+css like some sort of cool kids club upset me!!! like damn man not everyone has the willingness or the patience to learn that shit! a lot of my friends have gone on record to say they want a site but no matter how many times they try to learn html+css they just cant. hell i barely know the half about it, i just know basic enough stuff to make cool colorful boxes. basically bottom line is if someone is doing something completely innocent and not harmful why do you care...i guess you can be annoyed yeah but dont be so venomous about it geezz!!! and also dont make fun of others for not knowing a skill you know. thats mean! i suck shit balls at math, if someone made fun of me bcs they know math and i dont, i would try to kill them or something. okay, love you hugs and kisses bye.
02/27/23.......................The Bloodmobile
songs listened to while writing this:
margaret freeman - the residents
katherine hepburn - sparks
gone daddy gone - violent femmes
well, its been awhile. we're 2 months into 2023 and it has been a rough one. ive gotten sick twice this year already, and had my fair share of depressive episodes. which ive been put on medication for recently. yes, im medicated now! mostly for anxiety and depression. still no adhd meds or anything, im waiting to get scheduled with a therapist hopefully at some point. i finally got my first round of covid shot, which was so relieving. my family have been arguing with me about it since they became available and for awhile i thought id never get one, until i finally got to see a doctor which i was trying to do for 2 years now. unfortunately my follow up appointment, which was meant for today, had to be rescheduled. which is very frustrating. i am hoping i get to go again very soon.
hopefully i havent put too much of my info on blast just now, getting that covid shot and getting medicated was just very important to me and im very happy about it. though, im feeling significant depression today, which is unexpected considering ive been taking my medication for a week now. but i guess it cant fix all of my problems.
i just got over a gnarly sinus infection, which i still have some leftover mucus lingering from. i had something that felt like the flu last month, which was torturous. i had post nasal drip in november last year as well. im not sure why i keep experiencing this, i can only hope it stops here. this was another reason why i was hoping to see my doctor, because anybody in their right mind would see a doctor after getting sick 3 times in a row.
anyways, aside from my health issues ive also been rewatching star trek, my favorite thing in the whole world (aside from xtc, of course.) i finished tos and its movies earlier this month and now im going through tng. my love for tos was aggressively rekindled and i was reminded of how much i adore leonard mccoy. hes my favorite star trek character ever aside from q and he means so so much to me...i relate with him a lot and im kin with him (you can find him on my about section!) i also watched two of the last tos movies which i didnt watch before cause a friend told me to skip them. i can see why they told me to now but i still had a good time with them, even if they were a little stupid.
ive also been trying to keep myself a stricter sleeping schedule, sleeping at 10:30-11pm every night to be sure that i take my meds at the right times every morning instead of forgetting like i always do. i also take medication for my asthma, and when i forget i can get pretty bad in condition. ive still not gotten better at brushing my teeth, though. little steps i guess...
hopefully i get to have some mcdonalds at the end of this week.....ttyl
margaret freeman - the residents
katherine hepburn - sparks
gone daddy gone - violent femmes
well, its been awhile. we're 2 months into 2023 and it has been a rough one. ive gotten sick twice this year already, and had my fair share of depressive episodes. which ive been put on medication for recently. yes, im medicated now! mostly for anxiety and depression. still no adhd meds or anything, im waiting to get scheduled with a therapist hopefully at some point. i finally got my first round of covid shot, which was so relieving. my family have been arguing with me about it since they became available and for awhile i thought id never get one, until i finally got to see a doctor which i was trying to do for 2 years now. unfortunately my follow up appointment, which was meant for today, had to be rescheduled. which is very frustrating. i am hoping i get to go again very soon.
hopefully i havent put too much of my info on blast just now, getting that covid shot and getting medicated was just very important to me and im very happy about it. though, im feeling significant depression today, which is unexpected considering ive been taking my medication for a week now. but i guess it cant fix all of my problems.
i just got over a gnarly sinus infection, which i still have some leftover mucus lingering from. i had something that felt like the flu last month, which was torturous. i had post nasal drip in november last year as well. im not sure why i keep experiencing this, i can only hope it stops here. this was another reason why i was hoping to see my doctor, because anybody in their right mind would see a doctor after getting sick 3 times in a row.
anyways, aside from my health issues ive also been rewatching star trek, my favorite thing in the whole world (aside from xtc, of course.) i finished tos and its movies earlier this month and now im going through tng. my love for tos was aggressively rekindled and i was reminded of how much i adore leonard mccoy. hes my favorite star trek character ever aside from q and he means so so much to me...i relate with him a lot and im kin with him (you can find him on my about section!) i also watched two of the last tos movies which i didnt watch before cause a friend told me to skip them. i can see why they told me to now but i still had a good time with them, even if they were a little stupid.
ive also been trying to keep myself a stricter sleeping schedule, sleeping at 10:30-11pm every night to be sure that i take my meds at the right times every morning instead of forgetting like i always do. i also take medication for my asthma, and when i forget i can get pretty bad in condition. ive still not gotten better at brushing my teeth, though. little steps i guess...
hopefully i get to have some mcdonalds at the end of this week.....ttyl
01/09/23.....................I Am The Audience!
listening to: XTC
a new blog post! to distract me and also because im bored and sitting up and drawing hurts. i found out i had a belly button infection earlier today, its freaking me out a little bit only because im afraid its a cyst and im too scared to google if thats true. also, i recently finished a short story about my ocs. im proud of it only because i rarely ever finish stories i write or put much effort into them. hopefully moving forward, i can start improving on my literature skills :). the curse of being a visual artist that makes ocs is that if you want those ocs to be developed, you gotta learn to be a good writer, lol. im not sure if ill upload the story here. we'll see.
EVERYTHING in my house is broken right now. oven has issues, still useable thankfully. coffee pot broke completely, which is terrible because i have a caffiene addiction. the washer's door sensor has been broken and none of my family members have had time to fix it. oh, and the shower head broke. AND the bathroom light keeps flickering. we also have a hole in the ceiling but thats been there for like a year or two now. this place needs condemned, but we're poor AND in a housing crisis right now. so we cant do much, lol. now you know why christmas SUCKED!
nonetheless, im still hoping me and my mom can find the time to go out and get starbucks at the VERY LEAST sometime at the end of the month, when she next gets paid. im longing to add a new xtc record to my collection, thankfully my very generous friend bought me a single ive been wanting for awhile. but i really want to add something that will get me closer to finishing my studio collection of theirs. all i need is white music, drums and wires, mummer, and the 2 lp of english settlement. i have the 1lp bcs i bought it on accident without paying attention to its release. yes, i pay extra attention now.
i AM thankful to say that my recent general record collection additions have been very satisfactory. one of my friends gifted me in 3-d and another gifted me boi-ngo. two of some of my fave albums! im fortunate that as a poor person, i have generous friends with good incomes. hopefully once tax season rolls around, i can buy MYSELF some records (with my moms money lol)
okay, thats all for now. pray my belly button infection goes away quickly and that it WONT be painful like im paranoid of. byeeeeeeee
a new blog post! to distract me and also because im bored and sitting up and drawing hurts. i found out i had a belly button infection earlier today, its freaking me out a little bit only because im afraid its a cyst and im too scared to google if thats true. also, i recently finished a short story about my ocs. im proud of it only because i rarely ever finish stories i write or put much effort into them. hopefully moving forward, i can start improving on my literature skills :). the curse of being a visual artist that makes ocs is that if you want those ocs to be developed, you gotta learn to be a good writer, lol. im not sure if ill upload the story here. we'll see.
EVERYTHING in my house is broken right now. oven has issues, still useable thankfully. coffee pot broke completely, which is terrible because i have a caffiene addiction. the washer's door sensor has been broken and none of my family members have had time to fix it. oh, and the shower head broke. AND the bathroom light keeps flickering. we also have a hole in the ceiling but thats been there for like a year or two now. this place needs condemned, but we're poor AND in a housing crisis right now. so we cant do much, lol. now you know why christmas SUCKED!
nonetheless, im still hoping me and my mom can find the time to go out and get starbucks at the VERY LEAST sometime at the end of the month, when she next gets paid. im longing to add a new xtc record to my collection, thankfully my very generous friend bought me a single ive been wanting for awhile. but i really want to add something that will get me closer to finishing my studio collection of theirs. all i need is white music, drums and wires, mummer, and the 2 lp of english settlement. i have the 1lp bcs i bought it on accident without paying attention to its release. yes, i pay extra attention now.
i AM thankful to say that my recent general record collection additions have been very satisfactory. one of my friends gifted me in 3-d and another gifted me boi-ngo. two of some of my fave albums! im fortunate that as a poor person, i have generous friends with good incomes. hopefully once tax season rolls around, i can buy MYSELF some records (with my moms money lol)
okay, thats all for now. pray my belly button infection goes away quickly and that it WONT be painful like im paranoid of. byeeeeeeee
12/31/22..................Smells Like Nirvana
listening to: weird al
its new years eve! tomorrow is 2023 and i hope and pray it gets easier (it probably wont.)
earlier this month was my birthday, i mentioned it a few times in past entries. i turned 18, which is kind of horrifying but im dealing with it i guess. im just scared 2023 is going to be the most stressful year of my life. or maybe it'll be the most depressing. maybe both! oh boy!
i got a brand new laptop for my birthday, so ive been having "laptop" days and "desktop" days. right now im typing this on desktop. its convenient having a laptop now as someone who gets fatigued easily and sometimes sitting at my desk is an uphill battle. now i can lay in bed and watch weird al videos until i get tired! oh boy!
other than those things ive just been depressed again. depressed and angry. honestly, what else is new...christmas was disappointing but i guess i should get used to it.
honestly, the majority of my time has been focused on weird al. since the start of this month hes really all ive been paying any attention to because im hyperfixating on him. hes the only thing that makes me feel literally any positive emotion. im listening to his albums in chronological order and when im not doing anything else im probably watching a playlist of videos hes in lol. in fact, im listening to him as i type this!
on a brief sidenote, you know, i hate using the word hyperfixation now. not because of the neurodivergent community itself but the way ppl within it like, seem to have stigmatized the usage of the word. i feel like im LYING when i use it now, like im being dramatic or something. as if hypefixations havent been a very real experience that has influenced my life for as long as i can remember??? i fall into unbelievably deep depressive episodes when i dont have one, which is why this year has been so hellish, because i havent had many or many that lasted very long. but whatever i just need to keep using the words i know describe my real experiences and ignore anybody being annoying online.
well, i hope you all have a good new years eve, a good new years day, and a great 2023. good luck everyone.
its new years eve! tomorrow is 2023 and i hope and pray it gets easier (it probably wont.)
earlier this month was my birthday, i mentioned it a few times in past entries. i turned 18, which is kind of horrifying but im dealing with it i guess. im just scared 2023 is going to be the most stressful year of my life. or maybe it'll be the most depressing. maybe both! oh boy!
i got a brand new laptop for my birthday, so ive been having "laptop" days and "desktop" days. right now im typing this on desktop. its convenient having a laptop now as someone who gets fatigued easily and sometimes sitting at my desk is an uphill battle. now i can lay in bed and watch weird al videos until i get tired! oh boy!
other than those things ive just been depressed again. depressed and angry. honestly, what else is new...christmas was disappointing but i guess i should get used to it.
honestly, the majority of my time has been focused on weird al. since the start of this month hes really all ive been paying any attention to because im hyperfixating on him. hes the only thing that makes me feel literally any positive emotion. im listening to his albums in chronological order and when im not doing anything else im probably watching a playlist of videos hes in lol. in fact, im listening to him as i type this!
on a brief sidenote, you know, i hate using the word hyperfixation now. not because of the neurodivergent community itself but the way ppl within it like, seem to have stigmatized the usage of the word. i feel like im LYING when i use it now, like im being dramatic or something. as if hypefixations havent been a very real experience that has influenced my life for as long as i can remember??? i fall into unbelievably deep depressive episodes when i dont have one, which is why this year has been so hellish, because i havent had many or many that lasted very long. but whatever i just need to keep using the words i know describe my real experiences and ignore anybody being annoying online.
well, i hope you all have a good new years eve, a good new years day, and a great 2023. good luck everyone.
12/08/22.................All About a Feeling
listening to: in 3-d by weird al
november is over, and it was a good month. nothing significant changed, but it was still good. i watched a lot of movies that month, a lot of which changed my life! i watched one of my now favorite movies of all time, barton fink.
i knew from the start i was watching all of these movies as a form of escapism, and it helped a lot. it kept my mind off things, distracted me and made me feel less lonely. but it kind of wore off recently and now i feel like im back at square one. im not done watching movies, far from it, but i am taking a break right now.
my birthday is a week from now, and im having a difficult time looking forward to it. last year, i cried on my birthday. i talked about it in a previous blog post, but im also turning 18. which of course, is a very scary age...for most. im just stressed. im lonely, scared, apathetic. im depressed. its sad, because i love december. i dont usually get seasonal depression, or holiday depression, things are just bad because my life just gets worse.
i dont have anything going on, i broke up with my boyfriend recently. im unbelievably lonely, i dont talk to anyone anymore and nothing feels good. i dont go outside, i dont have a job, i dont have anything to do all day. im art blocked now too, and when im art blocked i remember very quickly that i have nothing to do all day. im essentially worthless without art. all i have is this fucking computer and myself. its frustrating. all i can do is just wait and hope for a miracle all the time.
i havent had a real hyperfixation in a really long time and everythings felt so boring and exhausting, my enthusiasm for things doesnt last long and apathy sets in really quickly now.
they might be giants, one of my favorite bands of all time, announced a show in my city. i wont go into it, but i have a nightmarish history of trying to see bands live, especially tmbg. so seeing them come to my city was like a miracle. it felt like i was getting my miracle. and then, so suddenly, the tickets sold out before my mom could buy them. honestly, i was going to try to find resellers for them but i just have no energy to. i dont care anymore. i dont want to do anything. i have no hope. i just dont think its worth trying for these things anymore.
i hope my birthday goes well. i hope those reading this have a good holiday season.
november is over, and it was a good month. nothing significant changed, but it was still good. i watched a lot of movies that month, a lot of which changed my life! i watched one of my now favorite movies of all time, barton fink.
i knew from the start i was watching all of these movies as a form of escapism, and it helped a lot. it kept my mind off things, distracted me and made me feel less lonely. but it kind of wore off recently and now i feel like im back at square one. im not done watching movies, far from it, but i am taking a break right now.
my birthday is a week from now, and im having a difficult time looking forward to it. last year, i cried on my birthday. i talked about it in a previous blog post, but im also turning 18. which of course, is a very scary age...for most. im just stressed. im lonely, scared, apathetic. im depressed. its sad, because i love december. i dont usually get seasonal depression, or holiday depression, things are just bad because my life just gets worse.
i dont have anything going on, i broke up with my boyfriend recently. im unbelievably lonely, i dont talk to anyone anymore and nothing feels good. i dont go outside, i dont have a job, i dont have anything to do all day. im art blocked now too, and when im art blocked i remember very quickly that i have nothing to do all day. im essentially worthless without art. all i have is this fucking computer and myself. its frustrating. all i can do is just wait and hope for a miracle all the time.
i havent had a real hyperfixation in a really long time and everythings felt so boring and exhausting, my enthusiasm for things doesnt last long and apathy sets in really quickly now.
they might be giants, one of my favorite bands of all time, announced a show in my city. i wont go into it, but i have a nightmarish history of trying to see bands live, especially tmbg. so seeing them come to my city was like a miracle. it felt like i was getting my miracle. and then, so suddenly, the tickets sold out before my mom could buy them. honestly, i was going to try to find resellers for them but i just have no energy to. i dont care anymore. i dont want to do anything. i have no hope. i just dont think its worth trying for these things anymore.
i hope my birthday goes well. i hope those reading this have a good holiday season.
11/03/22........................Web Heritage
listening to: sat in your lap by kate bush
in the midst of everything happening on corporate social media right now, and people finding alternatives, i think its worth typing this up
it was talked about a few months ago, and its probably gonna get talked about again. crediting graphics on neocities.
now im going to preface this with saying im not going to outright say you never have to credit, because im a visual artist myself and literally had my art stolen a few months ago.
i feel like crediting on neocities is more about internet history and archiving. it goes without saying that anything you find that you know for a fact where it came from or appears to be made by one person, or looks to be someones genuine actual art, its your responsibility to credit and link back. the big thing for me here is sourcing graphics from neocities predecessor, geocities. i think people forget that all geocities users almost all of them hot linked, ripped, and stole graphics from their fellow geocitizens sites All the time. graphics were shared around very often. which is why, i think at least in the sense of getting stuff off gifcities or using graphics that are probably as old as 1999, its fine to not know who to credit. most of the time i will just link back to the first geocities i saw it on and call it a day.
despite how often neocities users want to equate web making to the process of visual art, its a lot different than that. web making is an art, but to hound ppl for not crediting a rotating star gif because they found it on a website from 2004...?
forgive the sappiness for a second, but, web history is neocitizen heritage. geocitizens were our ancestors, they saved these graphics and shared them around with eachother and now we are extremely fortunate to do the same thing. these were made for us to use. to share and to customize.
and i should express, i absolutely am against downloading ppls neocities html and using it as your own. thats terrible and not what im talking about here.
essentially, i think when it comes to using graphics that you pulled off gifcities and neocities deep dives and not knowing who made them because you dont have the time and energy to find who did it, is fine. maybe i misunderstood the discourse so if all of this seems obvious im sorry LOL.
id also like to add that a good example of what im talking about is the frame of my blog! i made it myself from a screenshot i found off a website archival blog. all it did was post old screenshots, and i took the empty window and made something out of it. they didnt make the window, and there could be a billion different desktop screenshots with the same exact window. just as there are a billion different neocities with that same rotating clown gif. simply put, i think neocities crediting is as simple as linking back to the place you got it and taking things down or crediting when asked.
i feel like the vibe of the internet has gotten more and more aggressive, and now we just want to find things to pick at and find a problem with. despite neocities essentially being the opposite of that (at least to me)
in the midst of everything happening on corporate social media right now, and people finding alternatives, i think its worth typing this up
it was talked about a few months ago, and its probably gonna get talked about again. crediting graphics on neocities.
now im going to preface this with saying im not going to outright say you never have to credit, because im a visual artist myself and literally had my art stolen a few months ago.
i feel like crediting on neocities is more about internet history and archiving. it goes without saying that anything you find that you know for a fact where it came from or appears to be made by one person, or looks to be someones genuine actual art, its your responsibility to credit and link back. the big thing for me here is sourcing graphics from neocities predecessor, geocities. i think people forget that all geocities users almost all of them hot linked, ripped, and stole graphics from their fellow geocitizens sites All the time. graphics were shared around very often. which is why, i think at least in the sense of getting stuff off gifcities or using graphics that are probably as old as 1999, its fine to not know who to credit. most of the time i will just link back to the first geocities i saw it on and call it a day.
despite how often neocities users want to equate web making to the process of visual art, its a lot different than that. web making is an art, but to hound ppl for not crediting a rotating star gif because they found it on a website from 2004...?
forgive the sappiness for a second, but, web history is neocitizen heritage. geocitizens were our ancestors, they saved these graphics and shared them around with eachother and now we are extremely fortunate to do the same thing. these were made for us to use. to share and to customize.
and i should express, i absolutely am against downloading ppls neocities html and using it as your own. thats terrible and not what im talking about here.
essentially, i think when it comes to using graphics that you pulled off gifcities and neocities deep dives and not knowing who made them because you dont have the time and energy to find who did it, is fine. maybe i misunderstood the discourse so if all of this seems obvious im sorry LOL.
id also like to add that a good example of what im talking about is the frame of my blog! i made it myself from a screenshot i found off a website archival blog. all it did was post old screenshots, and i took the empty window and made something out of it. they didnt make the window, and there could be a billion different desktop screenshots with the same exact window. just as there are a billion different neocities with that same rotating clown gif. simply put, i think neocities crediting is as simple as linking back to the place you got it and taking things down or crediting when asked.
i feel like the vibe of the internet has gotten more and more aggressive, and now we just want to find things to pick at and find a problem with. despite neocities essentially being the opposite of that (at least to me)
11/01/22........................Lord is it Mine
listening to: kepler 22-b by king gizzard
eating: egg and bacon sandwich
drinking: coffee
its november, halloween is over and with it, october as well. october was a pretty excruciating month, i feel like every month leading up to it was just preparation for it. i hope, feeling the way i do now, november is better. because i was pretty happy on halloween, and i feel pretty decent now. maybe im getting used to the current things bothering me, though.
the month after november is december, my birth month. my birthday's the 14th, and im turning 18. thats the main reason im writing this now, i want to talk about turning 18 and what it means for me, and how it feels being so close. really, i feel dread. very very all consuming dread. ive not graduated, i dont have any schooling beyond elementary school. no job, no id, no liscense. its stressful, obviously its stressful.
i know 18 is stressful for everyone, but i feel like its especially worse for me. i keep telling myself it wont seem so bad once it actually comes. a big reason why it seems so scary is because i dont even feel 17, let alone 18, i still feel 12. and while my friends or family might deny that i seem 12, i feel it.
i just want out of here, i want a new life and i want to move past this chapter. imagine, you never left the part of your life where you were 12. and then, imagine in that same part of your life, you werent even going to school. thats essentially what my life is like. its nothing. ive sat alone in a house with no friends for years, since i was 8. and now im almost an adult, and im still this way. i mean sure i possess common sense but i dont have any of the life experience any actual 18 year olds should have.
and as if this sole experience couldnt get any worse i struggle with undiagnosed mental illnesses and family members who just do not fucking get it. i cant even bring up my mental health issues to my mom unless were the only ones in the room because my dad and brother are so judgemental. honestly, just saying that is making me feel worse. i hate bringing them up or talking about them, THATS how bad they make me feel.
maybe a miracle will happen and ill get a therapist, and ill see a doctor, and ill get a job and a car and my life will suddenly be on track. but considering everything, its hard to hope for that. im at the point where i just want to be thrown into my new life instead of waiting for it, because i feel like waiting for it is way more stressful than actually living it.
eating: egg and bacon sandwich
drinking: coffee
its november, halloween is over and with it, october as well. october was a pretty excruciating month, i feel like every month leading up to it was just preparation for it. i hope, feeling the way i do now, november is better. because i was pretty happy on halloween, and i feel pretty decent now. maybe im getting used to the current things bothering me, though.
the month after november is december, my birth month. my birthday's the 14th, and im turning 18. thats the main reason im writing this now, i want to talk about turning 18 and what it means for me, and how it feels being so close. really, i feel dread. very very all consuming dread. ive not graduated, i dont have any schooling beyond elementary school. no job, no id, no liscense. its stressful, obviously its stressful.
i know 18 is stressful for everyone, but i feel like its especially worse for me. i keep telling myself it wont seem so bad once it actually comes. a big reason why it seems so scary is because i dont even feel 17, let alone 18, i still feel 12. and while my friends or family might deny that i seem 12, i feel it.
i just want out of here, i want a new life and i want to move past this chapter. imagine, you never left the part of your life where you were 12. and then, imagine in that same part of your life, you werent even going to school. thats essentially what my life is like. its nothing. ive sat alone in a house with no friends for years, since i was 8. and now im almost an adult, and im still this way. i mean sure i possess common sense but i dont have any of the life experience any actual 18 year olds should have.
and as if this sole experience couldnt get any worse i struggle with undiagnosed mental illnesses and family members who just do not fucking get it. i cant even bring up my mental health issues to my mom unless were the only ones in the room because my dad and brother are so judgemental. honestly, just saying that is making me feel worse. i hate bringing them up or talking about them, THATS how bad they make me feel.
maybe a miracle will happen and ill get a therapist, and ill see a doctor, and ill get a job and a car and my life will suddenly be on track. but considering everything, its hard to hope for that. im at the point where i just want to be thrown into my new life instead of waiting for it, because i feel like waiting for it is way more stressful than actually living it.
08/30/22........................Three of a Kind
listening to: mothership connection by parliament
eating: toast
drinking: mean bean java monster
heyyyyy i hope you've had a good past 10 days! for me not a lot happened, except for the splatoon 3 splatfest (i was team paper !!), and LOTS of x files watching. ive been really really obsessed with the lone gunmen specifically and they are essentially the only thing thats been on my mind for the past 7 days at least. i drew something of byers and langley that i was really happy with! click here to view it! its a redraw of the two gentlemen on the cover of heaven 17's "how men are" album. that album reminds me a lot of the gunmen, but mostly for autism reasons LMFAO
other than that ive been listening to albums with my best friend and watching it draw. mew is a lot better at listening to new music than i am LOL
also! im pre ordering splatoon 3 on the 2nd HOPEFULLY! i wanted to get drums and wires finally when my mom got paid but i realized its better to get splatoon 3 first. its gonna be the first splatoon game ive played at launch so im SOOO excited!
i watched two movies this week too, peewee's big adventure which i LOVED! who wouldnt! and rem lazar which i didnt pay a lot of attention to bcs it was honestly a bit boring lol. but im glad i got to watch it since its been such a prolific part of vinesauce lore for years haha
i think thats all from me for now, seeya next time !
eating: toast
drinking: mean bean java monster
heyyyyy i hope you've had a good past 10 days! for me not a lot happened, except for the splatoon 3 splatfest (i was team paper !!), and LOTS of x files watching. ive been really really obsessed with the lone gunmen specifically and they are essentially the only thing thats been on my mind for the past 7 days at least. i drew something of byers and langley that i was really happy with! click here to view it! its a redraw of the two gentlemen on the cover of heaven 17's "how men are" album. that album reminds me a lot of the gunmen, but mostly for autism reasons LMFAO
other than that ive been listening to albums with my best friend and watching it draw. mew is a lot better at listening to new music than i am LOL
also! im pre ordering splatoon 3 on the 2nd HOPEFULLY! i wanted to get drums and wires finally when my mom got paid but i realized its better to get splatoon 3 first. its gonna be the first splatoon game ive played at launch so im SOOO excited!
i watched two movies this week too, peewee's big adventure which i LOVED! who wouldnt! and rem lazar which i didnt pay a lot of attention to bcs it was honestly a bit boring lol. but im glad i got to watch it since its been such a prolific part of vinesauce lore for years haha
i think thats all from me for now, seeya next time !
08/20/22........................Movies of Old
listening to: fuzzy warbles vol 5 by andy partridge
eating: onion rings and bbq wings
drinking: arizona green tea
its a new week! happy saturday! i hope all of you are having a good day today :) i woke up at 2pm today bcs i COULD NOT sleep last night. i just stayed up on my phone while watching vinny vinesauce's splatoon 2 streams. speaking of, ive been playing a LOT of splatoon 2 lately. mostly salmon run, bcs its SOOOO fun. and im VERYY excited for splat 3!!!!
also me and my bff started watching tng but like two episodes only. the first season is really lame LOL i hope we can get to the good episodes though.
we also watched ghoulies 3 and grease this week, with my other bffs johnny and earthy. both were um. questionable at times but i had a good time watching both, even though ghoulies 3 was the BAD MOVIE for the week lol. we're supposed to watch the next bad movie on monday, hopefully. then we'll watch peewee's big adventure which im SO EXCITED for, thats the good movie that earthy picked.
aside from that there were some low moments this week. lots of looking around not knowing what to do and having bad blood with my mom. unrelated to the bad blood im trying to get her to let me preorder splatoon 3 bcs i want it AS SOON AS POSSIBLE!!!!!!!
okay i think thats all i got to say today. see y'all next saturday...
eating: onion rings and bbq wings
drinking: arizona green tea
its a new week! happy saturday! i hope all of you are having a good day today :) i woke up at 2pm today bcs i COULD NOT sleep last night. i just stayed up on my phone while watching vinny vinesauce's splatoon 2 streams. speaking of, ive been playing a LOT of splatoon 2 lately. mostly salmon run, bcs its SOOOO fun. and im VERYY excited for splat 3!!!!
also me and my bff started watching tng but like two episodes only. the first season is really lame LOL i hope we can get to the good episodes though.
we also watched ghoulies 3 and grease this week, with my other bffs johnny and earthy. both were um. questionable at times but i had a good time watching both, even though ghoulies 3 was the BAD MOVIE for the week lol. we're supposed to watch the next bad movie on monday, hopefully. then we'll watch peewee's big adventure which im SO EXCITED for, thats the good movie that earthy picked.
aside from that there were some low moments this week. lots of looking around not knowing what to do and having bad blood with my mom. unrelated to the bad blood im trying to get her to let me preorder splatoon 3 bcs i want it AS SOON AS POSSIBLE!!!!!!!
okay i think thats all i got to say today. see y'all next saturday...
08/13/22........................Bad Saturday
listening to: fuzzy warbles vol 4 by andy partridge
eating: mcdonalds
AHH! its been a week already! i hope you had a good saturday! mine SUCKED!!!!! i cried like twice today over inconveniences. i woke up and breakfast kept being thwarted by Issues and then dinner was thwarted by Issues. but then my best friend ordered me some mcdonalds after i asked...it answered my pleas and i love mew so much. anyways that and this java monster im drinking saved my day just in the nic of time. aside from today though, the past week has been...more or less the same. i finished ds9 with my best friend and sound LOVED IT!!!!!! we plan on starting tng at some point!!! im beginning to forget all of the other things that happened this week.
oh, i didnt get to order that record my mom promised LOL but she said next weekend will work. we'll see... OH WE ALSO got steak and shake yesterday whcih was AWESOME!!! bcs i havent had steak and shaek in forever. and its my favorite restaurant next to buffalo wild wings. i also rewatched some of Q's tng episodes (encounter at farpoint, hide and q, q who, deja q to be exact) and i also read some qcard and jiles fanfiction :) also a lot of drawing none of it GOING ANYWHERE THOUGH i think im art blocked.
anyways! thats all i got. ill see you next saturday...for another blog post....
eating: mcdonalds
AHH! its been a week already! i hope you had a good saturday! mine SUCKED!!!!! i cried like twice today over inconveniences. i woke up and breakfast kept being thwarted by Issues and then dinner was thwarted by Issues. but then my best friend ordered me some mcdonalds after i asked...it answered my pleas and i love mew so much. anyways that and this java monster im drinking saved my day just in the nic of time. aside from today though, the past week has been...more or less the same. i finished ds9 with my best friend and sound LOVED IT!!!!!! we plan on starting tng at some point!!! im beginning to forget all of the other things that happened this week.
oh, i didnt get to order that record my mom promised LOL but she said next weekend will work. we'll see... OH WE ALSO got steak and shake yesterday whcih was AWESOME!!! bcs i havent had steak and shaek in forever. and its my favorite restaurant next to buffalo wild wings. i also rewatched some of Q's tng episodes (encounter at farpoint, hide and q, q who, deja q to be exact) and i also read some qcard and jiles fanfiction :) also a lot of drawing none of it GOING ANYWHERE THOUGH i think im art blocked.
anyways! thats all i got. ill see you next saturday...for another blog post....
08/06/22........................New Blog
listening to: mothership connection - parliament
eating: twizzlers nibs
my first blog entry! oh boy! i already wrote one but i accidentally erased all of it. :(
anyways. i decided ill update the blog every week or so, since im not a very active person LOL. but ill recount some interesting things about the past two weeks
first, ive been rewatching star trek deep space nine with my best friend alex. its mews first time but my second. i Love star trek ds9 and its probably my favorite ST series... im noticing though that i love it even more this second time around. unfortunately me and alex are already almost done with it, and we only have 9 more episodes left! but maybe i can make it watch tng next.
due to this im hyperfixating on ds9 again, which means drawing a LOT of it. ive been mostly drawing jiles (julian and miles) because lately ive become super obsessed with them. when i first watched ds9 my favorites were odo and quark, but it seems this time around ive gained a bias towards miles and julian. but im not complaining, as someone who falls under apathy spells too often its really nice finding new things to LOVE about a previous fixation.
on a new note, my mom said she could buy me a new record this monday. im not going to get my hopes up since we're living paycheck to paycheck rn and thats a REALLY dicey promise, but its a nice thought regardless. i might get either mummer or drums and wires. most likely drums, since its harder to get and more expensive. id rather jump at the chance now than wait.
well, thats all i got. thanks for reading! and for visiting my site..! im hoping to get my record collection page up and spiffy tomorrow...or, maybe at least sometime next week. bye!!!
eating: twizzlers nibs
my first blog entry! oh boy! i already wrote one but i accidentally erased all of it. :(
anyways. i decided ill update the blog every week or so, since im not a very active person LOL. but ill recount some interesting things about the past two weeks
first, ive been rewatching star trek deep space nine with my best friend alex. its mews first time but my second. i Love star trek ds9 and its probably my favorite ST series... im noticing though that i love it even more this second time around. unfortunately me and alex are already almost done with it, and we only have 9 more episodes left! but maybe i can make it watch tng next.
due to this im hyperfixating on ds9 again, which means drawing a LOT of it. ive been mostly drawing jiles (julian and miles) because lately ive become super obsessed with them. when i first watched ds9 my favorites were odo and quark, but it seems this time around ive gained a bias towards miles and julian. but im not complaining, as someone who falls under apathy spells too often its really nice finding new things to LOVE about a previous fixation.
on a new note, my mom said she could buy me a new record this monday. im not going to get my hopes up since we're living paycheck to paycheck rn and thats a REALLY dicey promise, but its a nice thought regardless. i might get either mummer or drums and wires. most likely drums, since its harder to get and more expensive. id rather jump at the chance now than wait.
well, thats all i got. thanks for reading! and for visiting my site..! im hoping to get my record collection page up and spiffy tomorrow...or, maybe at least sometime next week. bye!!!
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