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youve stumbled upon my blog, a page that harbors the incessant ramblings of an insecure mind. this place is for full fledged self expression, and hopefully it can serve as some form of clearing my mind better than social media can.
info
i am self diagnosed ocd, autism, adhd, and ptsd. im not as privileged to get a diagnosis or get therapy, so im unmedicated and most of the time do not have anyone to talk to. this is as good as it gets.
rememeber, theres nothing wrong with turning out to be wrong with a self diagnosis, being able to label ones issues helps many people.
beyond that, i dont answer to anybody. one of the biggest goals of my blog is to not explain myself, because im not doing this for anybody but myself.
to read an entry, select one of them on the side bar. oldest entries at the bottom, newest at the top. updates are whenever i feel like it.
Shoehorn with Teeth
drinking: coffee
a new blog post. from me! im going to be complaining and im gonna be #controversial (not about anything bad. im a chill person. actually im gonna be complaining BECAUSE im such a chill person) anyways. i dont give a shit about ppl who use neocities as a carrd! i literally dont care. i dont know why some people take such great offense to it! big deal! theres not explicit rules entailing what you have to use neocities for, are there? maybe i missed something. anyways, you gotta understand not everyone is in the interest of keeping an active fully fledged website. hell, i love this hobby but i only pick it back up every now and then when i feel like it! my site is still in its extreme infancy! if someone just wants to use neocities to introduce themselves in a cool fashion with cool looking designs so be it. i mean yeah, if theyre outright stealing their page content from artists or hot linking or something, that can be troublesome. but the inherent action of using neocities to introduce yourself on other platforms is not evil or annoying to me like i dont. care. there are so many things people seem to care just Too much about in general. and it kind of ....i dont know its not like it bothers me i just wish people would chill out sometimes. ask themselves how much they truly care about this and if theyre just being angry for the sake of being angry. i had several carrds before i made my neocities. i loved making my carrd! its a fun activity, its a lot easier than coding and a lot more accessible to those who dont want to learn it. and thats another thing, people who treat knowing html+css like some sort of cool kids club upset me!!! like damn man not everyone has the willingness or the patience to learn that shit! a lot of my friends have gone on record to say they want a site but no matter how many times they try to learn html+css they just cant. hell i barely know the half about it, i just know basic enough stuff to make cool colorful boxes. basically bottom line is if someone is doing something completely innocent and not harmful why do you care...i guess you can be annoyed yeah but dont be so venomous about it geezz!!! and also dont make fun of others for not knowing a skill you know. thats mean! i suck shit balls at math, if someone made fun of me bcs they know math and i dont, i would try to kill them or something. okay, love you hugs and kisses bye.
The Bloodmobile
songs listened to while writing this:
margaret freeman - the residents
katherine hepburn - sparks
gone daddy gone - violent femmes
well, its been awhile. we're 2 months into 2023 and it has been a rough one. ive gotten sick twice this year already, and had my fair share of depressive episodes. which ive been put on medication for recently. yes, im medicated now! mostly for anxiety and depression. still no adhd meds or anything, im waiting to get scheduled with a therapist hopefully at some point. i finally got my first round of covid shot, which was so relieving. my family have been arguing with me about it since they became available and for awhile i thought id never get one, until i finally got to see a doctor which i was trying to do for 2 years now. unfortunately my follow up appointment, which was meant for today, had to be rescheduled. which is very frustrating. i am hoping i get to go again very soon.
hopefully i havent put too much of my info on blast just now, getting that covid shot and getting medicated was just very important to me and im very happy about it. though, im feeling significant depression today, which is unexpected considering ive been taking my medication for a week now. but i guess it cant fix all of my problems.
i just got over a gnarly sinus infection, which i still have some leftover mucus lingering from. i had something that felt like the flu last month, which was torturous. i had post nasal drip in november last year as well. im not sure why i keep experiencing this, i can only hope it stops here. this was another reason why i was hoping to see my doctor, because anybody in their right mind would see a doctor after getting sick 3 times in a row.
anyways, aside from my health issues ive also been rewatching star trek, my favorite thing in the whole world (aside from xtc, of course.) i finished tos and its movies earlier this month and now im going through tng. my love for tos was aggressively rekindled and i was reminded of how much i adore leonard mccoy. hes my favorite star trek character ever aside from q and he means so so much to me...i relate with him a lot and im kin with him (you can find him on my about section!) i also watched two of the last tos movies which i didnt watch before cause a friend told me to skip them. i can see why they told me to now but i still had a good time with them, even if they were a little stupid.
ive also been trying to keep myself a stricter sleeping schedule, sleeping at 10:30-11pm every night to be sure that i take my meds at the right times every morning instead of forgetting like i always do. i also take medication for my asthma, and when i forget i can get pretty bad in condition. ive still not gotten better at brushing my teeth, though. little steps i guess...
hopefully i get to have some mcdonalds at the end of this week.....ttyl
I Am The Audience!
listening to: XTC
a new blog post! to distract me and also because im bored and sitting up and drawing hurts. i found out i had a belly button infection earlier today, its freaking me out a little bit only because im afraid its a cyst and im too scared to google if thats true. also, i recently finished a short story about my ocs. im proud of it only because i rarely ever finish stories i write or put much effort into them. hopefully moving forward, i can start improving on my literature skills :). the curse of being a visual artist that makes ocs is that if you want those ocs to be developed, you gotta learn to be a good writer, lol. im not sure if ill upload the story here. we'll see.
EVERYTHING in my house is broken right now. oven has issues, still useable thankfully. coffee pot broke completely, which is terrible because i have a caffiene addiction. the washer's door sensor has been broken and none of my family members have had time to fix it. oh, and the shower head broke. AND the bathroom light keeps flickering. we also have a hole in the ceiling but thats been there for like a year or two now. this place needs condemned, but we're poor AND in a housing crisis right now. so we cant do much, lol. now you know why christmas SUCKED!
nonetheless, im still hoping me and my mom can find the time to go out and get starbucks at the VERY LEAST sometime at the end of the month, when she next gets paid. im longing to add a new xtc record to my collection, thankfully my very generous friend bought me a single ive been wanting for awhile. but i really want to add something that will get me closer to finishing my studio collection of theirs. all i need is white music, drums and wires, mummer, and the 2 lp of english settlement. i have the 1lp bcs i bought it on accident without paying attention to its release. yes, i pay extra attention now.
i AM thankful to say that my recent general record collection additions have been very satisfactory. one of my friends gifted me in 3-d and another gifted me boi-ngo. two of some of my fave albums! im fortunate that as a poor person, i have generous friends with good incomes. hopefully once tax season rolls around, i can buy MYSELF some records (with my moms money lol)
okay, thats all for now. pray my belly button infection goes away quickly and that it WONT be painful like im paranoid of. byeeeeeeee
Smells Like Nirvana
listening to: weird al
its new years eve! tomorrow is 2023 and i hope and pray it gets easier (it probably wont.)
earlier this month was my birthday, i mentioned it a few times in past entries. i turned 18, which is kind of horrifying but im dealing with it i guess. im just scared 2023 is going to be the most stressful year of my life. or maybe it'll be the most depressing. maybe both! oh boy!
i got a brand new laptop for my birthday, so ive been having "laptop" days and "desktop" days. right now im typing this on desktop. its convenient having a laptop now as someone who gets fatigued easily and sometimes sitting at my desk is an uphill battle. now i can lay in bed and watch weird al videos until i get tired! oh boy!
other than those things ive just been depressed again. depressed and angry. honestly, what else is new...christmas was disappointing but i guess i should get used to it.
honestly, the majority of my time has been focused on weird al. since the start of this month hes really all ive been paying any attention to because im hyperfixating on him. hes the only thing that makes me feel literally any positive emotion. im listening to his albums in chronological order and when im not doing anything else im probably watching a playlist of videos hes in lol. in fact, im listening to him as i type this!
on a brief sidenote, you know, i hate using the word hyperfixation now. not because of the neurodivergent community itself but the way ppl within it like, seem to have stigmatized the usage of the word. i feel like im LYING when i use it now, like im being dramatic or something. as if hypefixations havent been a very real experience that has influenced my life for as long as i can remember??? i fall into unbelievably deep depressive episodes when i dont have one, which is why this year has been so hellish, because i havent had many or many that lasted very long. but whatever i just need to keep using the words i know describe my real experiences and ignore anybody being annoying online.
well, i hope you all have a good new years eve, a good new years day, and a great 2023. good luck everyone.
All About a Feeling
listening to: in 3-d by weird al
november is over, and it was a good month. nothing significant changed, but it was still good. i watched a lot of movies that month, a lot of which changed my life! i watched one of my now favorite movies of all time, barton fink.
i knew from the start i was watching all of these movies as a form of escapism, and it helped a lot. it kept my mind off things, distracted me and made me feel less lonely. but it kind of wore off recently and now i feel like im back at square one. im not done watching movies, far from it, but i am taking a break right now.
my birthday is a week from now, and im having a difficult time looking forward to it. last year, i cried on my birthday. i talked about it in a previous blog post, but im also turning 18. which of course, is a very scary age...for most. im just stressed. im lonely, scared, apathetic. im depressed. its sad, because i love december. i dont usually get seasonal depression, or holiday depression, things are just bad because my life just gets worse.
i dont have anything going on, i broke up with my boyfriend recently. im unbelievably lonely, i dont talk to anyone anymore and nothing feels good. i dont go outside, i dont have a job, i dont have anything to do all day. im art blocked now too, and when im art blocked i remember very quickly that i have nothing to do all day. im essentially worthless without art. all i have is this fucking computer and myself. its frustrating. all i can do is just wait and hope for a miracle all the time.
i havent had a real hyperfixation in a really long time and everythings felt so boring and exhausting, my enthusiasm for things doesnt last long and apathy sets in really quickly now.
they might be giants, one of my favorite bands of all time, announced a show in my city. i wont go into it, but i have a nightmarish history of trying to see bands live, especially tmbg. so seeing them come to my city was like a miracle. it felt like i was getting my miracle. and then, so suddenly, the tickets sold out before my mom could buy them. honestly, i was going to try to find resellers for them but i just have no energy to. i dont care anymore. i dont want to do anything. i have no hope. i just dont think its worth trying for these things anymore.
i hope my birthday goes well. i hope those reading this have a good holiday season.
Web Heritage
listening to: sat in your lap by kate bush
in the midst of everything happening on corporate social media right now, and people finding alternatives, i think its worth typing this up
it was talked about a few months ago, and its probably gonna get talked about again. crediting graphics on neocities.
now im going to preface this with saying im not going to outright say you never have to credit, because im a visual artist myself and literally had my art stolen a few months ago.
i feel like crediting on neocities is more about internet history and archiving. it goes without saying that anything you find that you know for a fact where it came from or appears to be made by one person, or looks to be someones genuine actual art, its your responsibility to credit and link back. the big thing for me here is sourcing graphics from neocities predecessor, geocities. i think people forget that all geocities users almost all of them hot linked, ripped, and stole graphics from their fellow geocitizens sites All the time. graphics were shared around very often. which is why, i think at least in the sense of getting stuff off gifcities or using graphics that are probably as old as 1999, its fine to not know who to credit. most of the time i will just link back to the first geocities i saw it on and call it a day.
despite how often neocities users want to equate web making to the process of visual art, its a lot different than that. web making is an art, but to hound ppl for not crediting a rotating star gif because they found it on a website from 2004...?
forgive the sappiness for a second, but, web history is neocitizen heritage. geocitizens were our ancestors, they saved these graphics and shared them around with eachother and now we are extremely fortunate to do the same thing. these were made for us to use. to share and to customize.
and i should express, i absolutely am against downloading ppls neocities html and using it as your own. thats terrible and not what im talking about here.
essentially, i think when it comes to using graphics that you pulled off gifcities and neocities deep dives and not knowing who made them because you dont have the time and energy to find who did it, is fine. maybe i misunderstood the discourse so if all of this seems obvious im sorry LOL.
id also like to add that a good example of what im talking about is the frame of my blog! i made it myself from a screenshot i found off a website archival blog. all it did was post old screenshots, and i took the empty window and made something out of it. they didnt make the window, and there could be a billion different desktop screenshots with the same exact window. just as there are a billion different neocities with that same rotating clown gif. simply put, i think neocities crediting is as simple as linking back to the place you got it and taking things down or crediting when asked.
i feel like the vibe of the internet has gotten more and more aggressive, and now we just want to find things to pick at and find a problem with. despite neocities essentially being the opposite of that (at least to me)
Lord is it Mine
listening to: kepler 22-b by king gizzard
eating: egg and bacon sandwich
drinking: coffee
its november, halloween is over and with it, october as well. october was a pretty excruciating month, i feel like every month leading up to it was just preparation for it. i hope, feeling the way i do now, november is better. because i was pretty happy on halloween, and i feel pretty decent now. maybe im getting used to the current things bothering me, though.
the month after november is december, my birth month. my birthday's the 14th, and im turning 18. thats the main reason im writing this now, i want to talk about turning 18 and what it means for me, and how it feels being so close. really, i feel dread. very very all consuming dread. ive not graduated, i dont have any schooling beyond elementary school. no job, no id, no liscense. its stressful, obviously its stressful.
i know 18 is stressful for everyone, but i feel like its especially worse for me. i keep telling myself it wont seem so bad once it actually comes. a big reason why it seems so scary is because i dont even feel 17, let alone 18, i still feel 12. and while my friends or family might deny that i seem 12, i feel it.
i just want out of here, i want a new life and i want to move past this chapter. imagine, you never left the part of your life where you were 12. and then, imagine in that same part of your life, you werent even going to school. thats essentially what my life is like. its nothing. ive sat alone in a house with no friends for years, since i was 8. and now im almost an adult, and im still this way. i mean sure i possess common sense but i dont have any of the life experience any actual 18 year olds should have.
and as if this sole experience couldnt get any worse i struggle with undiagnosed mental illnesses and family members who just do not fucking get it. i cant even bring up my mental health issues to my mom unless were the only ones in the room because my dad and brother are so judgemental. honestly, just saying that is making me feel worse. i hate bringing them up or talking about them, THATS how bad they make me feel.
maybe a miracle will happen and ill get a therapist, and ill see a doctor, and ill get a job and a car and my life will suddenly be on track. but considering everything, its hard to hope for that. im at the point where i just want to be thrown into my new life instead of waiting for it, because i feel like waiting for it is way more stressful than actually living it.
Three of a Kind
listening to: mothership connection by parliament
eating: toast
drinking: mean bean java monster
heyyyyy i hope you've had a good past 10 days! for me not a lot happened, except for the splatoon 3 splatfest (i was team paper !!), and LOTS of x files watching. ive been really really obsessed with the lone gunmen specifically and they are essentially the only thing thats been on my mind for the past 7 days at least. i drew something of byers and langley that i was really happy with! click here to view it! its a redraw of the two gentlemen on the cover of heaven 17's "how men are" album. that album reminds me a lot of the gunmen, but mostly for autism reasons LMFAO
other than that ive been listening to albums with my best friend and watching it draw. mew is a lot better at listening to new music than i am LOL
also! im pre ordering splatoon 3 on the 2nd HOPEFULLY! i wanted to get drums and wires finally when my mom got paid but i realized its better to get splatoon 3 first. its gonna be the first splatoon game ive played at launch so im SOOO excited!
i watched two movies this week too, peewee's big adventure which i LOVED! who wouldnt! and rem lazar which i didnt pay a lot of attention to bcs it was honestly a bit boring lol. but im glad i got to watch it since its been such a prolific part of vinesauce lore for years haha
i think thats all from me for now, seeya next time !
Movies of Old
listening to: fuzzy warbles vol 5 by andy partridge
eating: onion rings and bbq wings
drinking: arizona green tea
its a new week! happy saturday! i hope all of you are having a good day today :) i woke up at 2pm today bcs i COULD NOT sleep last night. i just stayed up on my phone while watching vinny vinesauce's splatoon 2 streams. speaking of, ive been playing a LOT of splatoon 2 lately. mostly salmon run, bcs its SOOOO fun. and im VERYY excited for splat 3!!!!
also me and my bff started watching tng but like two episodes only. the first season is really lame LOL i hope we can get to the good episodes though.
we also watched ghoulies 3 and grease this week, with my other bffs johnny and earthy. both were um. questionable at times but i had a good time watching both, even though ghoulies 3 was the BAD MOVIE for the week lol. we're supposed to watch the next bad movie on monday, hopefully. then we'll watch peewee's big adventure which im SO EXCITED for, thats the good movie that earthy picked.
aside from that there were some low moments this week. lots of looking around not knowing what to do and having bad blood with my mom. unrelated to the bad blood im trying to get her to let me preorder splatoon 3 bcs i want it AS SOON AS POSSIBLE!!!!!!!
okay i think thats all i got to say today. see y'all next saturday...
Bad Saturday
listening to: fuzzy warbles vol 4 by andy partridge
eating: mcdonalds
AHH! its been a week already! i hope you had a good saturday! mine SUCKED!!!!! i cried like twice today over inconveniences. i woke up and breakfast kept being thwarted by Issues and then dinner was thwarted by Issues. but then my best friend ordered me some mcdonalds after i asked...it answered my pleas and i love mew so much. anyways that and this java monster im drinking saved my day just in the nic of time. aside from today though, the past week has been...more or less the same. i finished ds9 with my best friend and sound LOVED IT!!!!!! we plan on starting tng at some point!!! im beginning to forget all of the other things that happened this week.
oh, i didnt get to order that record my mom promised LOL but she said next weekend will work. we'll see... OH WE ALSO got steak and shake yesterday whcih was AWESOME!!! bcs i havent had steak and shaek in forever. and its my favorite restaurant next to buffalo wild wings. i also rewatched some of Q's tng episodes (encounter at farpoint, hide and q, q who, deja q to be exact) and i also read some qcard and jiles fanfiction :) also a lot of drawing none of it GOING ANYWHERE THOUGH i think im art blocked.
anyways! thats all i got. ill see you next saturday...for another blog post....
New Blog
listening to: mothership connection - parliament
eating: twizzlers nibs
my first blog entry! oh boy! i already wrote one but i accidentally erased all of it. :(
anyways. i decided ill update the blog every week or so, since im not a very active person LOL. but ill recount some interesting things about the past two weeks
first, ive been rewatching star trek deep space nine with my best friend alex. its mews first time but my second. i Love star trek ds9 and its probably my favorite ST series... im noticing though that i love it even more this second time around. unfortunately me and alex are already almost done with it, and we only have 9 more episodes left! but maybe i can make it watch tng next.
due to this im hyperfixating on ds9 again, which means drawing a LOT of it. ive been mostly drawing jiles (julian and miles) because lately ive become super obsessed with them. when i first watched ds9 my favorites were odo and quark, but it seems this time around ive gained a bias towards miles and julian. but im not complaining, as someone who falls under apathy spells too often its really nice finding new things to LOVE about a previous fixation.
on a new note, my mom said she could buy me a new record this monday. im not going to get my hopes up since we're living paycheck to paycheck rn and thats a REALLY dicey promise, but its a nice thought regardless. i might get either mummer or drums and wires. most likely drums, since its harder to get and more expensive. id rather jump at the chance now than wait.
well, thats all i got. thanks for reading! and for visiting my site..! im hoping to get my record collection page up and spiffy tomorrow...or, maybe at least sometime next week. bye!!!